A jump, a pulse

Yesterday I thought that I wouldn't feel so strongly for him as I did the past few months since I didn't see him for almost two weeks.


Today, as June and I were on our way down to go for the morning prayer meeting, I glanced down subconsciously and I saw him.


My heart literally jumped.


I only saw his back but I just knew instantly that it was him.


By the time June and I went around another bend in the stairs, he was gone already.


When I asked June if she noticed him later on during the second break but then she said she didn't.




I feel quite good that I got to see him and that he didn't get to see me in my current state.


I think that I'm sick but I'm not too sure.


It could be either that or maybe some of the emotion from Murakami Haruki's Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World has rubbed off on me cause I felt a bit queer reading it so I stopped reading it for a bit. I'll be continuing later just before I sleep cause I'm about to finish the book cause it's a really good book.




I wonder if he's wondering why I didn't text him cause I usually text him good luck and ask how his exam was.


Thinking back now I feel quite amazed that I actually had the guts to text him.


I think part of my bravery came from my imagination, as in, my imagination created that bravery that I had possessed.


Like I imagined him up.


But he's real and he has flaws as well that I think I tried to blind myself from seeing but all the same, no one's perfect.




I wish we had more chances to be able to work with each other throughout those first two months.


I wish I was in his group during leadership camp.


I wish I had talked to him and worked together with him to set up the voting booths.


I wish I had said "Hi" to him after the first day we worked with each other and got to know each other.




I feel so rotten inside and I think that it shows terribly on the outside.


I'm more quiet at school and I'm less jovial.


Maybe it's cause I know, deep down inside, that he rejected me even though I never did confess to him properly.


I'm tired of hoping but being a Capricorn, I'm just determined to not give up.


I have no idea why I'm so persistent in hurting myself even further, making my confidence sink even lower than rock bottom.




Maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better after I confess to him so that he can straight out reject me and that'll stop my mind from being so jumbled up.




One of the good things that I got from listening to his favourite band is that one of the songs keeps me strong in opening my heart to love.


"Every long lost dream, led me to where you are, others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, pointed me on my way, into your loving arms, this much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you." - Bless the Broken Road, Rascal Flatts


So I will continue to nurture this bit of love in my heart, as sappy as that sounds, and maybe, just maybe, like what June said, if he's meant for me, then he will come to me.


Therefore, I will not force fate to do things it's not supposed to do with it but I will wait patiently to see where this broken road will take me.

The Beginning

Tomorrow is D-Day.


I'm sick and tired of waiting and being a pathetic fool.


Also, according to my horoscope, tomorrow will be the beginning of months of romance and love so yes, that does inspire me to make the first move.


Today, I saw Law a lot of times as I had no meeting whatsoever and I'm hoping that'll be the same case for tomorrow.


Okay, before I go on, let me just tell you what happened during the first break.


I was doing my group's Malaysian Studies project when one of my fellow Extra Curricular Activities Committee members came and sat down and talk to me.


We both talked for awhile when Roy suddenly appeared and asked if he could sit down. 


So my friend (he's a guy) said yes.


And so he proceeded to sit down.


In front of me.


Then, he tried talking to me but I did my best to show him that I was busy and not interested.


Then, when he went away, another classmate came and sat down and he kind of teased me about Roy but he kind of failed there.


The worse bit was that Law saw him sitting down with me and you know, that normally spells out "I'm going out with this dude" in my college and no I do not want him to think I'm going out with Roy.


I like Law.


I like you only.


I caught him looking at me, even if it was just briefly during the second break while I was getting my cutlery but then I didn't dare look in his direction.


Then, I sat down in a table quite near him. (That happened during the first break as well).


Towards the end of break, I sat with Helen and June.


Helen wanted to leave early so she said that all of us should start to go up and I kind of hesitated because I wanted to stay down there and be near Law as much as possible but I didn't want to drag her down so I got up.


That was when June suddenly said that I must say "Hi" to Law right then and there.


I panicked.


I wanted to runaway to the other staircase while June was about to approach Law who was waiting for his friend who was buying stuff but I couldn't cause Helen was heading towards the staircase in that direction.


Then, as I was about to approach where Law was (who was standing behind June), he walked away with his friend and the second he did, I laughed out loud and I don't know why.


It doesn't matter does it?


You know why?


Tomorrow, I will say "Hi" to him, no matter how OR what.


I'm just going to toughen up my skin and say "Hi" to him even though we haven't spoken to each other in over a week.


I will.


I will stop wishing and I will start acting.


Please, wish me luck.


PS. I saw that he signed up for this game on this website (www.warfare.com) and the trailer looks super awesome like WOW. The game hasn't been released yet and I've already signed up for it so hopefully, I'll get connected to him someway or another.
Currently reading the Hunger Games (which Skye and Rainie bought for me and Summer even though they hate the series) and it's AWESOME.