Coward

Why is it that I get so revved up to do something but when it comes to the time to actually do it my courage falters?

As you can definitely guess, I did not ask him the question and this is mainly due to the fact that I am scared of rejection as much as I hate to admit it.

He only came for the afternoon lecture today but I didn't glance at him a lot this time because I talked more to the people who were in my row while he was in the middle row where Yu was as well.

The only time we actually made eye-contact was at the end of class. Technically, class was over for around 10 minutes already but around 10 of us stuck around to finish a question that our lecturer gave (which I will attempt to do after this) and he stayed back as well.

When I was leaving, I said my farewells to some friends and then I said to Yu "Good bye, Yu!!!" and at that he looked up and we made eye-contact but I broke it off mainly because I knew that for him it doesn't mean anything.

And now the way that I'm typing things out makes me wonder if I still like him. I'm sure somewhere somehow, I do still like him but I am definitely rational enough to not expect anything to happen.

I just felt a bit happy that he took notice when I said bye to Yu cause that somehow translates to me that he might have wanted me to say bye to him as well and that he might consider me as a friend as well.

Typing that out kind of reassures me to ask him. I do hope that if I do see him online later I will just go ahead and ask him. Besides (even if I wanted to) I don't have any ulterior motives other than to work with him because he seems like a really good partner to work with.

I'll just ask him. Hopefully I won't chicken out this time.

Also, Carl tried to approach me again today by switching seats to sit nearer to where we were sitting in the front row from his back row seat. He sat next to one of my guy friends and it was really pointless for him to do so because he didn't even concentrate on class but was rather rude because he played with his phone in front of class. Definitely not my type.

Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but he really tried to portray the nice guy image even though he isn't really. During the trip to Switzerland, while we were still in Fläsch, I was about to get into the bus when I heard sounds of someone running and when I turned around I saw him running and pretending to play with a dog behind a fence and he was calling out to the dog and being friendly and everything but it kind of failed because the dog barked at him. :|

I think I mentioned something previously about the girls in my class all crowding around a British guy during break time in our Math lecture awhile ago. Regarding that, I finally got the chance to talk with him today (cause I really wanted to) and I felt kind of glad that I did succeed in that small victory. :)

He's from Australia actually but he really has a British accent hahahaha. We got talking a bit because I was sitting and talking with some of my friends when he sat behind us and at that moment I was explaining how too much Nutella made me ill (I have the flu now sadly) and he joined in.

I find him very friendly and it's a real pity that he's only an exchange student because I think that we could become really good friends because he really seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Okay, I shall try to tackle the question after this. Being a bit more free than usual makes me feel a bit tense and even though I'm lazy to, I know I must do something in order to not feel too useless. If it weren't for my flu I'm sure I could've understood class even better today.

Skirts

Boy do I have a heck load of assignments to finish! In fact, I shouldn't even be on here but I want to update this blog since I won't be here for the next three days since I'll be in Switzerland and Liechtenstein for our class trip. I really do hope Prince and I will be able to become more friendlier and more comfortable with each other.

I went to class very early today because I wanted to do a wire transfer before going to class but I couldn't because it can only be done online (which I am slightly panicking about now since I don't have a specific card that I really need now).

I wore a very nice outfit today, one that I had planned to wear to class since December (sad I know right?). It consists of a cream white cardigan, a black top, a short white skirt with gold flowers on it and grey tights along with my old Converses.

And yes, I felt pretty good about my appearance today and my confidence got a little boost from Xia because she said I looked very sweet today.

I was the first one in class and I began reading some Physics notes which I need for one of my assignments and somehow I caught myself thinking "What if Prince doesn't come today? It'll be such a waste for a good outfit!" and I am really not the type of girl who normally thinks like that. All I wanted was for him to see me looking good.

Much to my surprise, he came very early, earlier than Yu and Xia even. I think he was third person to enter the classroom and at first he sat in front of me, his usual seat but then he moved far away.

And immediately I felt really sad and depressed and tired, like the all-nighter I did last night went to waste.

You can 100% bet that my spirits immediately sank and I began thinking that he really hated me and was avoiding me.

During the break, I really did want to go talk with him, especially since Carl wasn't there, but I just couldn't so I hung out around Tia instead who was sitting quite near him.

My mood got worse when I saw him talking a lot with Carl and I just felt really mad with myself.

For that whole morning, I really felt like there was a really bad energy between us. We didn't even make eye-contact when we each had to present our idea for our project in class which is odd since we almost always do.

It was as though there was something between us and I don't know about him but I was aware of it.

Like when we standing across each other, we sometimes copied each other's movements and I really felt that he glanced my way once or twice but we were kind of wary of each other.

By lunch break I couldn't stand it anymore. I was being so pitiful with myself and that was when I realised that I was just as foolish as those manga heroines that I always curse since they don't attempt to clear up the situation so I decided that I wanted to talk with him.

So I stood up and walked over to his place (Carl had already gone home and Prince was taking his time to pack up) and I asked him if he was going home already and he said no and we talked for awhile about the lecture that afternoon and I felt like my English was becoming slightly less formal and he was relaxing as well.

He smiled a lot and we even kind of made a small joke and I sure am pretty obvious now because when he said that he was coming back later I said to him "See you later!" before I left him standing there, most probably dumbstruck by how obvious I am being.

I really observed him while I was being depressed though and I kept thinking: "Why the hell did I fall for him?" He isn't very hot and he isn't a very good speaker but something in him just attracts me somehow because I feel like he is kind of like the guy version of myself.

You see, the only reason why I actually dared to go and talk to him during the lunch break is because he looked at Yu and I's drawing as he was re-entering the classroom (I was sitting right in front of the class next to the door) and it was obvious that he was looking so when that happened I couldn't help but smile and sigh in relief. If it was me, I think I would've done the same to show someone that I don't hate them. Assuming he doesn't hate me that is.

So after lunch break I really wanted to go over and talk to him because he was alone (he and Acia really don't talk a lot anymore) but I couldn't since I was already talking with some other people so I kept waiting and by the time I had the courage to, Carl was back and I didn't want to go there anymore. Carl shaved his hair off by the way.

After that, everyone left just looked at drawings and when I finally felt brave enough (because there were so few people there) I stood next to him but after that I had to go since Yu was calling me.

Yu and I had to go out though while another group was presenting their project to discuss ours and I was really a bit disappointed cause I wanted to talk with Prince, I really did.

Carl came out of the room while Yu and I were talking and he glanced our way and my heart cheered that he was going home without Prince but no, he just had to turn back after walking down the hall and he walked back inside the classroom and then he came out with Prince and he said "Good bye, Beth" and Prince mumbled something but honestly, need I say who I was actually looking at?

I said "Good bye, guys! See you tomorrow!" and at that point both of them turned around, Carl a major turn while Prince did a minor one.

However, I only looked at Prince and yet again, he had the uncertain look on his face although he was smiling slightly. I don't know, maybe he was expecting me to talk with him, I just don't know.

I hope that I'll get to sit somewhere near him on the bus tomorrow. :)

That's it for now, I have to go take a shower and get right into drawing!!!!!

Busy busy busy. But I sure am progressing and hopefully in the right way.

I would like to think that we have some kind of secret bond that only the both of us know but that is just wishful thinking.

P.S. I can't believe I missed out this part. And it's the title of my blog post as well haih... But anyway, due to the fact that I was wearing a skirt and tights, people (guys, generally) kept on looking at my legs and I don't know if that is because they look good or if they're just thick but it felt reassuring to know that I can get people's attention with the outfit I'm wearing.

The important part here is that I know that even though Prince cares about his looks and style, he is definitely not gay.

How?

At the beginning of the lunch break, while the professor was talking with some girls about their models, I had to go over to the professor to ask some questions and Prince and Carl were both approaching the professor as well.

I think it's because it's the first time that he's ever seen me in anything else but jeans and skinnies so when I stood next to the professor, awaiting my turn impatiently while fidgeting my leg up and down, I saw from the corner of my eyes that as Prince was approaching, his eyes looked down and he looked at my legs. For quite some time. So I shifted my legs and turned my head and he quickly looked away.

The fact that he looked doesn't really gross me out somehow. Maybe it's cause it's him. Maybe it's because the way that he was looking at them wasn't like the gaze of a molester, more like someone in shock.

Yeah, I sound so full of myself right now and I hate it but I'm just typing out the truth. And now I really got to get moving.

Even in doubt

Yes, this is a reminder to myself to be brave, to have courage, and to take risks.

If I really want to become his friend, I can't just write blog posts about it and not take any action, I actually need to do something in real life, to show that I really want to be his friend.

For instance, I always look for my other classmates and I actually walk over to their place and talk with them for 10 minutes or so about the most randomest things so I would like to try and do that with him when I see him.

The topic doesn't even need to be very important, just so that I can link our friendship even closer, bit by bit every day.

So right now, or whenever, even though I am still scared of approaching him (although the fear has decreased slightly), I'll go and talk with him. I do feel more comfortable now to talk with him and I do want to keep this momentum going.

I oovoo-ed with Skye, Rainie and Summer today, extremely early in the morning, and they all just said that I should talk with him more and they also suggested that I sit on the bus together with him during the field trip.

At first I really felt reluctant to and I was scared to but now that I really think about it, I know I will regret it if I don't and I will regret it even more if Prince only sits with Carl or if he sits with Acia only, worst case scenario.

Or, he could be sitting with another guy that isn't in our studio but I think is coming along.

Regardless of what is to come, I want to sit next to him at least once and to hold a conversation with him, to get to know him better.

I pray and I hope that I will still have this kind of fire in me the next time that I see him.

It's getting late now and I want to sleep so that I can wake up early and do my assignment. Hopefully I will be able to finish everything by tomorrow. It isn't much I suppose so I just hope that I can really concentrate tomorrow and finish them all off so that she can check it and if I still need to improve, I will have time during the holidays to do so.

I will think in a more simple manner, as much as possible, from now on.

P.S. Xia knows that I like Prince now. We talked for a long time just now and I feel like we're slowly getting closer. :)

Gone instantly

I studied with much difficulty all day. I couldn't concentrate at all. I managed to finish copying my notes and to add side notes but not much could get into my head.

So I thought I should try to distract myself by going on Facebook or reading manga (I found a really good one called Hatsukare by Tomori Miyoshi) but I just couldn't. I was unable to really think straight and enjoy going online.

And that was when I realised that I really wanted to talk with him badly. And oh gosh does that sound annoying and brat-like but I really did and I don't know why and because of that my head began throbbing (not like it hasn't been throbbing for the past couple of days over related subject matters).

So I thought I should try to get some rest because I wanted to wake up early to do another summary for my notes. I talked with Anna for a bit about this and she told me to not worry so I said okay and then I got into bed.

And I couldn't sleep at all. I usually fall asleep fast especially when I start to imagine things but I just couldn't and I knew why. There was nothing I could do to make the throbbing go away.

I tried playing on my mobile and logging onto Facebook but it just couldn't make my mind sleepy and it was one of my last resort techniques I use to put myself to sleep. He wasn't online and I felt a bit sad.

Thus, I made up my mind to study instead so I got up and turned my laptop on and started to take some notes down but I needed the internet as well so I turned it on and just for the heck of it, I logged onto Facebook.

And there he was, online.

I wanted to talk with him but I hesitated for a bit and did some notes but I couldn't stand it so I messaged him.

Me: Hey, can I ask you a question or are you busy now?

Prince: yea, u can

And then we chatted a bit, this time slightly longer than the previous one by 2 minutes ahahahaha. (I'm sad for keeping track, I know).

It went quite okay and he chatted very normally with me and I am happy for that. At one point I kind of ended the conversation but he asked something so the conversation reopened again and I would say we got just a tiny bit more closer cause we exchanged slang words.

Talking with him made me feel less nervous and I felt waves of relief wash over me when I chatted with him. He used smiley faces and all and I feel quite good about that.

Ah, but I don't think he's interested in me. That's what I think. I mean, he was nice and all but he didn't ask much questions about me and even though he did offer up some info about himself he didn't bother to get to know me that much.

And I am feeling surprisingly relieved and I don't know why.

I don't feel sad, more like, I feel happy that he actually might consider me as a friend.

So I should be content with that. I should. Really.

This is good though, even though I'm a bit upset and disappointed, at least it isn't as bad as when I liked Law and I got too upset when the smallest things happen. At least Prince responds to certain things.

I think I'd really like it if he considers me as a friend. It'd be nice to have an actual guy friend.

I just hope I didn't piss him off or annoy him too much. I think I was a bit embarrassing at some points but I hope that it was only me who thought it that way.

I guess I can sleep well now but I think I'd like to do a couple more of notes. :)

Thank you, God. I would have never had this chance if it wasn't for you.

And I'm actually feeling sleepy now. I will sleep at 3.30 a.m. maybe or finish 5 lecture notes, which ever comes first. I'll sleep for 4 hours only maybe.

A courageous step

I feel quite proud with myself today.

Let's rewind to the beginning.

I got to the examination room and when I looked inside I saw that there were only a few people so I thought I'd be able to take my test and finish it fast so I plopped myself on a seat and proceeded to try and calm my nerves down since it was going to be the first time I will sit for an oral exam that wasn't language related.

A few minutes after I sat down, Prince came in and again, we made brief eye-contact before he sat at the other side of the room and I was a bit shocked cause I thought that he took the exam yesterday.

At one point the professor said something and I asked the guy sitting next to me what she said, cause I wasn't paying attention, and at that point Prince looked our way.

So there we were, waiting for our turn, me trying to cram more notes into my already panicked brain when suddenly this voice began speaking up in my head.

Mind: I want to talk with him. I want to talk with him. I want to talk with him.

Me: What the hell?! No! We're supposed to be studying!

Mind: But I want to talk with him! I want to-

Me: Okay, look here. We're going to pay attention to Bernini and read up more Baroque notes.

Mind: Aw, c'mon. Don't tell me you don't want to talk with him.

Me: Of course I do but I don't have a reason to talk with him.

Mind: If only you had sat on that side just now...

Me: Yeah, I know. I could've asked him questions.

Mind: Yeah, but now you're in the same room with him. You can still approach him.

Me: But how? I don't have a reason to. We should just go back to studying.

So I went back to studying but I kept on remembering this video I saw that encouraged me to try and accept rejection and to be more brave.

If I didn't mention it earlier, I'll mention it now. I have a huge phobia of rejection.

But I really wanted to talk with him.

At around the 2 hour mark, my phone's mobile network refused to co-operate with me when I needed to find information on Juvarra's Superga in Turin. And throughout that 2 hour period I said to myself, if the network starts to go crazy, I'll go talk with him.

Mind: This is the moment. Go now. Go.

Me: But, I'm not ready. I'm scared.

Mind: Think about the 3 seconds of no nervousness.

Me: What-

Mind: 1. 2. 3.

I got up with a slight hesitation but I made my way to his place.

Me: Hey, can I borrow your book? I need to look up on something.

Prince: Ah, okay.

He seemed a bit shocked, I think, that I actually approached him. This is something I rarely did last time before I got into university but now, I guess I'm slowly becoming a bit more open.

I was going to sit in front of him, bringing the book with me but something made me stop (I don't know what) and I sat beside him instead.

My heart was beating fast the whole time and I kept telling myself to think of him as a friend and to stop being so freaking nervous. I just thought that I made the first move without actually making him realise that I did the first move and made him think that he made the first move by borrowing the book to me.

I thumbed through the pages and then I asked him a question and before I knew it, we were talking about history and discussing stuff and he even helped cleared up some info for me. 

Another good thing is that while we were talking, he even offered up information about himself that I didn't ask about. The bad thing was that I almost only used questions and I didn't offer up info about myself and he didn't ask anything either. It's a good start though.

I was so nervous throughout that time and I was literally shaking but that could also be because of the cold but I kept putting my hands down cause whenever I lifted them up they began shaking. I guess he was nervous about talking with me as well since it was the first time we talked and we talked for a very long time, for almost an hour in fact.

If we were in another place, maybe I would have talked more enthusiastically or something but we were in the room so I did my best to keep my voice low.

He was really kind to me when we were speaking, helping me out and all. He maintained eye contact and he even smiled and grinned. I also feel bad for stopping him from drinking water several times. =-=;

I initially thought his fingers were shaking because he was afraid of the test but when I asked him if he was nervous for the test he said 'no' but he could have been making a white lie. I mean, why else would he be nervous?

Towards the end we got quiet but it wasn't really awkward for some reason. I didn't feel awkward with him like how I feel when I'm with other people when things suddenly become quiet. I didn't feel that kind of atmosphere.

In fact, I felt more relaxed and at peace after I talked with him.

During the break time, after I talked with the professor, I went back to my seat because I was scared that I annoyed him and that he wouldn't want to sit with me after that. He talked with Acia in Serbian during the break. He approached her first and I felt a bit sad. At several points in our conversation he looked over at her and I just felt bad, like I was too boring to talk with and that he wanted to talk with her instead. So I just felt bad about myself.

While he was taking his test, I'd look at him every now and then.

At one point, I think he was thinking about something, he looked my way even though his sitting posture's orientation was the other way and I made eye-contact with him for more than a few seconds so I felt a bit relieved. I really don't want him to hate me. We both were one of the last ones to take the test and he even let a girl go before him.

When I got back I told Anna about what happened and how I was worried that he could be hating me and that he might find me annoying but she told me to compare him and another one of our guy friends and to try and replay that situation with the other guy friend.

I did and I realised that if I had done that with the other friend, it would have been more awkward even though I've known the other guy for a longer time.

It could be that Prince didn't mind speaking with me or he's just extremely kind.

Then Anna proceeded to reassure me that guys are naturally simple. If they like you, they like you. If they don't like you, they don't like you. So they'll just be very honest with the people that they talk with. Honest as in they'll only talk with you if they think you're nice.

And yes, that was very reassuring indeed.

This has been a very very very big step for me indeed and I feel so glad that I didn't chicken out this time unlike in my previous cases with Law.

Maybe that's why I had to like Law first, to get the regretful experience so that I'll be scared to ever get such an experience again and that I'll take a risk.

It was nerve wrecking alright but now I have more courage to speak with him. Naturally I won't be all over him like what happened last time but I will be more calmer and hopefully, he'll see me as someone good to talk with.

We are similar in a lot of ways, from what I can tell from the little bit of information that he shared with me.

For one, he cooks for his roommates (Anna asked why didn't I tell him about me cooking for her =-=) and he also thinks about being thrifty (cause cooking for his roommates is cheaper, says he XD).

I hope that I'll get more opportunities to talk with him and that I'll become an even better person and maybe, just maybe, he'll see me as someone nice.

Thank you, God, for all the wonderful things you gave to me today. It was such a lovely present after all the things that I had to go through this week. :)

And there I was, thinking that I wouldn't still be liking him.

PS. Notice how much calmer I am in this post compared to the ones I wrote when I liked Law and when the smallest things related with Law happened to me. I have changed, for the better I hope. I think it was a really good idea to keep this love blog cause now I can keep track of the changes that I've been through.

PSS. He was writing with a colour pen (dark swamp green), the same brand as my colour pens. Yeah, I felt happy about that hahahahahahaha. And we both wore dark blue sweaters and I swear, I did not stalk him. XD

A lucky strike

Guess what???

:| :) :D XD

I finally talked with him!

Finally. Finally. Finally. :)

At first I thought he wasn't going to come to the lecture today but surprise surprise, he did. He sat on the other side of the room while I sat on the other side.

How it happened was that I had just finished discussing some things with my lecturer when I noticed that he and a group of other guys were standing near our table, talking about our project (which is to draw a map showing the route we take from our home to the campus).

I didn't look at him of course, so I went on to my seat and thought about how to do my drawing when my friend, Anna, came back from her discussion with the lecturer so she showed her map to the people there which was down to just Anna's workmate (Derek) and Prince.

I felt a bit more courageous than usual, so I leaned very far to my left to join in the discussion to get an idea of what I should do, also partly to try to get the chance to talk with Prince.

Then, while she was talking with Prince, I wanted to approach Derek first, before approaching Prince but I wasn't too sure of his name so I was in a bit of a dilemma haha. I called him a couple of times but I gave up so I talked to Anna instead.

Me: Anna, he's Derek right? Can you call Derek for me?

Anna: Derek-

Derek: Hmm?

Me: How big is the scale of your map?

Derek: It's around 1:2000.

Me: Really? Do you live near campus?

Derek: Yeah. *Shows map* It looks like this.

At this point, Anna kind of went back to her seat (next to mine, she was in front of the table initially with the other two) and Derek was just about finishing up and Prince somehow moved a bit closer to me instead of getting ready to go.

Me: How's your map? What scale did you use?

Prince: Ah, not good. I didn't use the standard scale. *Shows map*

Me: Do you live near campus?

Prince: Yeah, I live nearby.

Me: If you walked from your home to campus how long would it take you?

Prince: 10 minutes by walking.

At that point, the lecture was going to start again so Prince went back to his seat.

Naturally, I tried to keep my cool but after a few minutes, after I sent messages to June and Helen and my sisters about the step I took, I couldn't help smiling. I wanted to squeal and whatnot but I couldn't hahaha.

After that he left class together with some people for lunch and I thought he wouldn't come back but he did. He sat together with one of my guy friends from my current residence at the back and continued their work. I found this a bit odd since he usually never comes back after lunch but I just went on with my work.

And so I continued with my work when suddenly I noticed two people approaching me so I took off my earphones and looked up and saw Prince with my guy friend. It's pretty sad though that since the friend needed help, I only talked with him and Prince went back after a couple of seconds. I couldn't help it though.

That's when I started to think that it was a tiny bit odd, since Prince lives in the opposite direction from my friend and I.

Which leaves me wondering, why did he come over? To accompany the friend?

It was nice though when we talked. He smiled and but we didn't make much eye contact. Probably only once. I feel really shy to look at him.

I also noticed that after we talked and when he went to talk to the lecturer while I was chatting with Isa, he looked in my direction, as though he wanted to come over and talk.

But overall, I'm really happy and glad that this time, I did not pass up the chance to talk with him and I initiated the conversation.

So maybe next time, I'll be able to talk with him again. :)

Last week was a very depressing week for me and I think that maybe this is the reason why, so that I'll be able to fully appreciate the small miracle that happened to me today.

These days, I am less awkward socially and I actually talked a lot with some of the guys that I know.

Maybe that's why God didn't want me to talk with him previously. He maybe wanted me to be more prepared and relaxed so that when I finally talk to Prince, I won't be all over the place with things.

On another note, my heart didn't really beat fast. I just felt overjoyed.

I feel really good today. :)

This gives me the motivation to work harder in my studies as well.

Thank you so much God, for letting me speak with him, even though it was only for a few seconds. :)

A week from now

I'll be preparing to go back to Milan which is a good thing although I am not exactly excited at the thought of leaving the comforts of home. I am, however, excited to finally do some work and studying cause there'll be less distractions there and I intend to be a super nerd up until the major exams.

Which means, I must do my best to not let my mind to fall into the temptation of being in a whirl because of Prince.

As cheesy as this sounds, I've been thinking about Prince everyday ever since I got back.

I'll forget him for two hours or so but then he'll suddenly reappear in my mind.

I really wish I wasn't such a shy person. I wish I could talk with him but then I don't know the right words to say and I might end up looking stupid.

Maybe I'll get the chance when I go back? Who knows?

I shall sleep early tonight. Hopefully I can get some serious work done tomorrow.

3 Months

It's been three months since I started liking him.


And now, I feel a bit more mature in the sense that I actually really want to be his friend before I let this feeling get any stronger.


Also, I texted him good luck just now for his trials tomorrow.


Yes, it took a lot of courage and hesitation and optimism.


It could break or make my day but I will survive past any disappointment. :)


My hands were shaking and I had to take deep breaths and after texting him, I had to calm myself down by rolling on the bed.


And then I hid my phone because I couldn't bring myself to look at it, to check for any reply.


I had practiced sending a couple of texts to seniors before texting him to make myself a bit more confident.


I hardly saw him today at school.


I only saw him for a few minutes during the first break.


As for the second break, I only saw him for a moment at the end as I had a meeting.


He was walking with Ray and I was on the phone (purposely on the phone =-=;) and I was about to muster the courage to greet him when Elva began talking with me.


So I didn't get the chance.


At least all my doubts about his friends hating me have cleared cause they waved at me and I waved back (Ray included).


Okay, I'm going to go and check my phone now and I will do my best to not be disappointed.


Also, I'm also going to start to diet seriously starting from tomorrow because I want to look good for our college's prom night.

The Beginning

Tomorrow is D-Day.


I'm sick and tired of waiting and being a pathetic fool.


Also, according to my horoscope, tomorrow will be the beginning of months of romance and love so yes, that does inspire me to make the first move.


Today, I saw Law a lot of times as I had no meeting whatsoever and I'm hoping that'll be the same case for tomorrow.


Okay, before I go on, let me just tell you what happened during the first break.


I was doing my group's Malaysian Studies project when one of my fellow Extra Curricular Activities Committee members came and sat down and talk to me.


We both talked for awhile when Roy suddenly appeared and asked if he could sit down. 


So my friend (he's a guy) said yes.


And so he proceeded to sit down.


In front of me.


Then, he tried talking to me but I did my best to show him that I was busy and not interested.


Then, when he went away, another classmate came and sat down and he kind of teased me about Roy but he kind of failed there.


The worse bit was that Law saw him sitting down with me and you know, that normally spells out "I'm going out with this dude" in my college and no I do not want him to think I'm going out with Roy.


I like Law.


I like you only.


I caught him looking at me, even if it was just briefly during the second break while I was getting my cutlery but then I didn't dare look in his direction.


Then, I sat down in a table quite near him. (That happened during the first break as well).


Towards the end of break, I sat with Helen and June.


Helen wanted to leave early so she said that all of us should start to go up and I kind of hesitated because I wanted to stay down there and be near Law as much as possible but I didn't want to drag her down so I got up.


That was when June suddenly said that I must say "Hi" to Law right then and there.


I panicked.


I wanted to runaway to the other staircase while June was about to approach Law who was waiting for his friend who was buying stuff but I couldn't cause Helen was heading towards the staircase in that direction.


Then, as I was about to approach where Law was (who was standing behind June), he walked away with his friend and the second he did, I laughed out loud and I don't know why.


It doesn't matter does it?


You know why?


Tomorrow, I will say "Hi" to him, no matter how OR what.


I'm just going to toughen up my skin and say "Hi" to him even though we haven't spoken to each other in over a week.


I will.


I will stop wishing and I will start acting.


Please, wish me luck.


PS. I saw that he signed up for this game on this website (www.warfare.com) and the trailer looks super awesome like WOW. The game hasn't been released yet and I've already signed up for it so hopefully, I'll get connected to him someway or another.
Currently reading the Hunger Games (which Skye and Rainie bought for me and Summer even though they hate the series) and it's AWESOME.

The girl who can't be moved

My prediction for today was this: 


Queen of Swords - A woman that considers only the absolute truth of a situation without regard to mitigating circumstances. A quick and decisive woman. Someone able to understand the hidden motives behind others' thinking. A candid and frank person, sometimes at the expense of others' feelings. A funny and irreverent sort of woman that makes others laugh. You may not always agree with this woman, but her wisdom is absolute.


I didn't expect it to come true but it did.


The Queen of Swords was June.


I was telling her how I felt about being so uncertain of what I should do next and she gave me the best piece of advice ever.


"Don't hope too much. Cause, if nothing happens you won't get too hurt but if something does happen, you will truly be happy. Just wait for it because I believe something will happen and when the chance comes, take it."


Her words got me thinking.


It's not like it's the end of the world if Law doesn't respond to how I feel.


And I sure as hell won't ever repeat the same mistake over and over again.


Another prediction:


Five of Swords - You've suffered a loss or defeat but can now regroup. New confidence and verve. Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan. Be a little more sure of yourself and others will join you. You don't need anyone's approval in the way you live your life. You have been a little too giving. New friendships can be formed. People are willing to trust you.


So it seems as though tomorrow will be a good day.


Again, another one:


The Hermit - Exploration (Inversus) You are taking a conservative attitude towards love. You are suspicious of your lover. You might be experiencing a frivolous affair. Your high standard in love life causes many ups and downs in the relationship. You are afraid to confess to your love, and therefore there is no way to further develop this relationship.


And then that got me wondering, should I really take the first move and plainly show him that I like him?


And the next one confirmed it for me.


"Tell him how you feel. Changes will come."


And now that makes me wonder, should I really take the initiative to make the first move?


That prediction really really amused me.


I think one of the reasons why I like to read my predictions is cause I like to analyse and interpret things a lot which, in certain ways, are good but in other ways are downright terrible.


Today, when I went down for my only break (which was during the first break), I couldn't find Law anywhere in the cafeteria as hard as I tried to look for him.


I guessed that he went to the IT lab or something so I had to settle down and I tried to keep myself cool and composed.


Oh yeah, remember the guy that I said that I think is interested in me?


Let's call this dude Roy.


He sat across me at a different table today and I kind of noticed that he got all awkward around me but I did my best to show that I'm not interested in him.


June thinks it's funny though.


Urgh.


I hope I'll be sane enough to not go after him.


Anyway, I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to see Law but then again, I kept repeating June's advice to myself.


And, if Law was really interested in me, he'd still be interested in me even though he didn't see me.


And if he isn't, then it's okay for me cause at least I didn't look like a fool in front of him.


Which reminds me, yesterday while we sat behind him, I mentioned Hunger Games and how June and Helen and all our other friends should go out and watch it after getting out SPM results and I kind of talked too loud I think.


It's probably cause I wanted him to hear that I wanted to watch it since he's a big fan of it.


Stupid.


Somehow, I knew Law would go down for the second break but unfortunately I couldn't go down for the second break cause I had a meeting to attend to. (Did I mention that I am now the Extra Curricular Activities' Secretary and the Graduation Committee Vice Secretary? I seem to have become some kind of secretary figure this year. XD)


When I finally got out, I had to rush to get to class cause I had a Malaysian Studies test after that.


The second I walked out from the office, I heard his voice.


I looked up but I didn't see anyone so I said to myself "You must be going crazy".


Needless to say, I still kept on looking at the flights of stairs to see whether or not he was there just to make sure.


And then suddenly, I saw him and he also looked at me.


And then, I just had to do what I always do which is to look away and continue to walk.


You know, these situations always happens in my dreams.


I always run away when I'm about to approach the person I like.


I have to learn to be braver and to just look him back in the eye and smile but as easy as that sounds, I have a huge problem executing it out.


I must not be afraid.


I shall now go to sleep.


PS. My face is freaking horrible now cause of my allergies. I got the attack after I ate food from one of the cafeteria stalls so now I have to be conscious and try out the other stall. If I still get these reactions, I'll have to start bringing food from home which in a way is good cause then I'll get to showcase my culinary skills.  XD