Not ready

I myself know that I'm not ready to start liking anyone just yet, especially since I still harbour negative thoughts, but I find myself forcing my mind to like Al.

He is quite a decent guy, if I may so myself.

For me he's quite good looking (blue eyes and amazing smile) and he likes poems, has a witty sense of humour and he takes up martial arts so he's strong. The only con that I know about him so far is that he's an atheist but he's an open atheist.

One of the friends that I met during the exhibition (we'll call her Pim) is slowly encouraging me to just say "Hi" to him on Facebook but seriously, what am I supposed to use to follow that up? I mean, we didn't even speak to each other in Italian, much less English so yeah, it'd definitely will be odd.

I wanted to post stuff up in here yesterday but I attended my flatmate's birthday party and it was pretty good actually although I really don't understand why people do this all the time. Pretty tiring indeed.

Anyway, yesterday during the lecture, I was actually surprisingly civil and nice to Carl and I even smiled and laughed and whatnot and it's probably because of the events that happened during the exhibition but I will keep this good look up and hope that he doesn't misunderstand me.

While that was going on though, Prince was nearby and all he did was watch and he approached me and Yu sometimes but I did my best to not stare at him although I stole some glances now and then. I felt he did the same though but I never caught him in the act.

Maybe he was just a tiny bit jealous that I didn't talk with him. But that's fantasy world talking.

So it came as a surprise to me, while I was chatting with Pim on Facebook, that I got a message from Prince asking about the deadline for one of our projects so after a few sentences we broke it off.

I didn't get any butterflies but I did feel happy that even though some of his other friends (who are also our classmates) were online, he chose to ask me. He could've asked that question in the group page as well but he didn't so I guess that he considers me as slightly more than an acquaintance.

I do hope that this means that our friendship is slowly being repaired again. :)

Throughout that grieving period I gained a lot of weight but I will slowly lose it, using Al as a fake goal I guess.

I tried to imagine how it felt like being hugged by him and getting kisses from him but the memory is very blurry. I can't exactly remember anything so I'm just depending on my blog entry for that.

I'll have to go soon.

P.S. Pim told me that she saw Al taking a lot of pictures of me while I was drawing and I found that a bit surprising hahahaha.

Palpitations

My heart is beating hard now and my thoughts are filled with anxiety cause I will be seeing him tomorrow after such a long time.


I'm a bit sad cause my face and body is not completely healed yet and he'll see me not at my best but at least I don't look as bad as I did two weeks ago.


Today, I was agonizing on what to write to him for my message for him because all of us EB Year 1s had to write messages to our Year 2 seniors and I really had no idea what to write.


This is the first one that I wrote, not really thinking clearly and using my head.

I feel really happy that I met you and that I got to talk to you. Even when I was stupid, you were so freaking nice to me. I wish we could've goten closer. You'll probably forget me. I just wish I had more time to get to know you and to become your friend, but truthfully, I feel something different for you.

I like you.

Crazy, I know right?

Second trial:

I feel really happy because I met you and got to work together with you in EB. Thank you for everything, especially since you were really nice to me. I hope that you'll get the chance to pursue what you really want to in life.

Not so memorable and impressive.

Luckily I had just enough time to go over it and Ariel helped me a lot as well and gave me the courage to write on a more personal level.

I feel really happy because I met you and I had a lot of fun working together with you in EB. Thank you for everything, especially since you were really nice to me. I liked texting with you and we must keep in contact!   :)  Whatever it is you want to pursue after A-Levels, I hope that you'll succeed and enjoy the journey to that dream.

I still feel scared though.

The "we must keep in contact" idea was Ariel's and I wasn't sure if I wanted to use it or not since we haven't communicated in weeks but I did in the end.

I hope tomorrow and the day after will be a good day.

Also, as I was talking with Ariel today, she told me about one of my friends who liked a guy at the start of the year.

She really showed that she was interested in him. However, this guy didn't like her in that way and proceeded to ignore and treat her badly cause he wasn't interested.

This made me think again how nice Law has been to me.

It was really obvious that I like him and he still replied my texts and even talked to me on his last day of school.

I really hope that we will still keep in contact although I don't know how that'll turn out.

My formal outfit tomorrow is really cute (cause Skye helped pick it out for me) and my get up for Prom Night is really pretty thanks to all of my siblings.

I will do my best to wear my scars proudly and keep my head held high and up.

I still can't believe that I still like him cause, you know, this feeling should fade by now but it hasn't.

I wonder if he'll even care about my message.

Anyhow, I'm going to sleep soon after reading some blog posts cause I need to be there early as I am part of the Graduation Committee.

Wish me all the best. :)

PS. I've been re-reading The Diary of Anne Frank recently and I noticed that when she began to like Peter, she wrote more in her diary. I guess we have something in common. I wish I was like her, brave and outspoken but still, I am happy that I am "me".  :)