Double-take

Ever since I found my passion in drawing again, I've spent even less time on bothering about finding love and the like so it's no wonder that I hardly post in here.

I'm still surprised at the fact that it's been more than a year since I've stopped liking Prince.

I'm even more surprised at the fact that I haven't been "in love" in this past year or so. I had celebrity crushes and I was attracted to some people but compared to Prince and...

You see, I even forgot the nickname that I coined for him.

Ah, right, it was Law.

Anyway, they were both serious crushes, like really serious.

But I know that none of them was love.

Because love can only exist if it's a two way effort.

But yeah, I'm surprised at the fact that I've gone for a long time without yearning so desperately for a relationship and I mean, yeah, I'd still like to be in one but I don't let that be the only thing on my mind. Most probably because my mind is more preoccupied by other things.

But, this isn't the reason why I wanted to post in here.

Two days ago, we had our history test and it was the first time that I saw Prince in a long time since his absence in school has increased steadily over the past year.

I got out of class early because I didn't know a question and I felt too stressed out to look at the paper. I intended to leave early but I got stopped in the hallway by a girl who began asking me questions and it turned out to take a long time.

That was when Prince came out and when he passed by us, I noticed that he looked my way for some time before he went on ahead.

I don't know why, but I do have my own speculations.

One, I have been working out consistently the past month so maybe I've lost some obvious weight so he was surprised with how I look now especially since we don't really see each other that much.

Reminds me, we did get to talk that time back in February hahaha.

Anyway, it could also be that he just was surprised to see that I was still there despite leaving the class early.

...

That's all for now. I've hardly ranted about love relationships in ages and I guess it's cause I'm in the midst of building a strong relationship with myself as an artist. For now I'm just happy with where I am and I will continue to become a much more stronger and better person with God's help.

My brain just loves to think it's in love

Okay, to keep things short; I told Tia two weeks or so ago that I kind of felt attracted to Ken.

Yesterday, the meter escalated a bit more because I saw him for two days in a row and I couldn't help but just stare at him. A slightly perverted thing happened also on Monday while I was fixing my model.

I was bending and gluing my model, paying no attention whatsoever to the people around me when I heard someone say 'Sorry' and when I looked up I saw that Ken needed to pass behind me. Since I was practically in the middle of a tight alley made by tables on either side, my only option was to press myself forward because I needed to protect my model in order for him to pass.

And I'm sure you guys can guess what it looked like when he passed behind me and the thing is he kind of laughed or chuckled or something like that but quietly; so quiet that I almost didn't hear it.

But I didn't really give much of a reaction because I was super panicked about my model.

And then throughout the rest of the day and the day after that, my eyes followed him and I shamelessly sat next to him on one occasion but that is it.

Okay, back to the main topic.

I went to a dinner party yesterday and somehow or another, I ended up staying till 6 am because we were playing Truth or Dare. Now, during the party, I was busy telling Tia how afraid I am to pursue anything further because I know I'm not good enough for him when a friend of mine's boyfriend leaned in to listen and started guessing his name and when he found out he was all up for it to give me tips.

Needless to say, some other people found out that I like him, even a friend of mine who is a close friend of his so I still feel pretty embarrassed about it until now.

Oh gosh. I would like something to happen but at the same time I'm hoping for nothing to happen.

Okay I really need to sleep.

It's all just attraction

Well I have a tiny crush on Ken now and it's just a crush, rest assured, not a real feeling. I think whenever I write these things I'm doing my best to convince myself that it's just a crush and not a real thing because otherwise I'll confuse both of them up.

I don't know, I just like the way he holds himself. When he presented his work to the class yesterday with the rest of his group mates, he didn't even interject them while they said their part (and my group mates kept interrupting me even though I never interrupted them) and when the professors were giving their opinion on the project, he just listened to them and slightly raised his eyebrows but overall he didn't even raise his voice or went against them.

I just think that he's sweet. He even stayed for a bit to look at our presentation and smiled when a joke was cracked but he left after that.

But I know that this is just a crush and that I have no chance whatsoever with him because I'm not a hot Italian girl, I can't speak a lot of Italian, and I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend because he is too cute and well-mannered to not have one.

In any case, I'm not going to hunt for romance here in Italy because I really can't trust the people and myself here. I might end up going against my own beliefs and I somehow feel that it's much more safer in Asia than here, for goody-two shoes type girls like me.

So for now I'm just going to content myself by thinking of Lay. He always makes me more inspired and makes me feel more happier.

I really wish I could meet him or a guy like him in real life. I'm just going to have to believe that this is possible.

I will not be swept away

Okay lets do the minor stuff first.

I think that Prince and I are finally on an okay-ish base. I thought that he hated me because he didn't come to see Tia and I's project yesterday despite the fact that we got an A on it (he got an A-) but he liked a post I put in our course's Facebook page and I feel that it's a sign that he's okay with me now. And yes, that does makes me feel happy and I can finally breathe. :)

On the other hand, Carl isn't. I think he's finally given up on me because he didn't even say 'hey' to me yesterday when we passed by each other even though he used to and he's a bit cold to me but I don't mind that haha. He's still trying to get a bit of my attention though.

Yesterday, the guys in our design studio started to lift themselves off the ground using the visible metal beams on the ceiling. My back was to them so when I finally turned around, I saw one of my guy friends pulling himself off the ground and so I said "Bravo!" to him since he was Italian. Tia was facing them though so she told me that before my guy friend went up, Carl also attempted to do it but he couldn't. And he also proceeded to do it after I said "Bravo!" to my guy friend and this time he managed to do it once and the guys erupted in cheers for him.

Prince could do it several times and he even managed to touch the ceiling with his feet. And then the other two guys also tried to do the same but they couldn't hahaha. I jokingly said to Tia that I had good taste in guys because Prince was strong enough to do that.

And I don't know whether I mentioned this before (perhaps I did but I couldn't find the post when I went through a few of them) but I'm actually starting to take an interest in another guy in class whom we shall call Peter. Such a safe name I know but it kind of suits him.

Yet again, he's a Chinese guy but he is only slightly taller than me, if not the same height, and he isn't what you would call good looking. Maybe cute but that's about it. From there I realised that Prince is the only guy I liked that was definitely taller than me compared to the people I liked before and that for Peter, he's the only one that isn't on-the-spot gorgeous. Not that I like him just yet as it's only an interest, not even an attraction.

So you could say that I'm not interested in his physical attributes at all, rather his personality and his taste.

For one, he actually likes Haruki Murakami I mean, seriously??? That is such an attention grabber for me because one, he reads books and two, he likes Haruki Murakami.

Two, he doesn't smoke despite the fact that some of his Chinese friends smoke as well. Or maybe he does, I don't know, but I never saw him with a cigarette between his fingers.

Three, he's really passionate about architecture and he always goes around, looking at other people's projects and listening to what the professors have to say and he also got an A for his project which he did alone (at this point Tia said that I really do have good taste in guys XD).

This has been going on for around two weeks I think and Tia was teasing me all the time about it but I didn't really mind.

I started to talk with him bit by bit though and I'm not too sure myself why but he's also being very nice to me so I'm happy with that.

Yesterday, I was feeling really insecure about the perspective drawings that I did for our perspective and at one point I felt like Tia wanted to ask him to come over and to reassure me but she didn't and I felt a bit sad by that.

But then later on, Peter himself came over and I looked up at him, made eye-contact and said "Yes?" and he smiled and said "It's very nice" with a smile and for a moment, my heart skipped a beat but it quickly disappeared. It did make me a smidgen bit happier.

He came back several times to look at it and I talked with him a bit more after the reviews ended and he said 'bye' to us when he left so I felt happy at that as well.

Naturally though, I'm not going to let myself fall for him and I know I probably said this a hundred times with reference to my past crushes but I'm definitely not going to be lenient on this one because for one, even though he's single, I have a feeling that he already likes another girl who keeps commenting on his profile pictures and statuses.

And yeah, I guess that's it for now. Exams will start next week and hopefully I'll be able to do well for them despite the fact that I'm really lazy now. I will study a bit tonight though.

The Guy

I have unrealistic hopes and dreams about the relationship that I want to have with a guy but I'm not going to give up on them because somewhere, somehow, I'm sure I will experience it one day.

It's hard to find, that much I'm positively sure but I just feel like something good will happen as long as I try my best to be a good person and to not look for it because it will come when it's destined to come.

Maybe it's because I've been reading too many romance mangas lately and one way or another, I get too much into the character so my imagination gets pretty delusional.

I think that for my past crushes, it could've been that I was more into the idea of being in love than actually liking the person because the feeling of butterflies in your stomach makes everything rose-tinted and the day just passes by more quicker.

I think I should be happy for couples who have finally found someone that they can really cherish.

It's summer here and it's freaking hot but I am somewhat cool and calm, like I raised a protective barrier around me. I can only hope that it'll protect me from unwanted distractions and the like.

And now I guess I'll be going into another long hiatus. I feel like I finally have stopped my feelings for Prince and I no longer feel anything much for him other than as a classmate.

You might think that I hated him or something when I found out that he had a girlfriend but I never disliked him. I never disliked his girlfriend either. I'm sure they must really like each other a lot and that they complement each other. 

In fact, I don't think I would have complemented Prince at all, even though I still believe that we have the same brainwave.

My guy has yet to come and till then, I will be waiting patiently.

Gets into slow motion

I've found another idol to start gawking over again. :D

Introducing Lay/Zhang Yixing of EXO-M! :D

He is like my dream guy. Well, that's only based on the things that I know about him so far haha. But he's really quiet and refreshing, passionate and hardworking, lovable and yet awkward. He does seem a bit like Prince, his personality I mean, but only a bit.

I don't think I like Prince but I sometimes feel a bit happy when I see him, not like I'll let that happiness bloom any further. I do feel like that we could be friends after some more time has passed.

At the end of the lecture today, I saw him talking with the Australian guy. They're probably close because they went to one of my classmate's birthday bash the other week and they met there.

As I was passing by both of them with a friend of mine, Prince kind of stopped talking with the guy and, I think, he turned to look in our direction. Maybe he was looking at my friend since she had a skirt on, I'm not that outstanding anyway but I felt myself hoping that he wanted to look at me and that he wanted me to say 'Bye'.

But I will definitely not let myself fall for him again, even though I think that we have the same brainwave.

I'll just let God and fate plan my life out.

Friday

It really does seem that I am more or less over him.

I don't get excited when I see him nor do I try and find every single chance to be next to him. In fact, last Friday, I didn't even notice that he was in class until the morning break.

On the other hand though, Carl keeps bugging me and it's slowly starting to get on my nerves and what adds to the fuel is his egoistical personality.

As soon as it was the morning break, I went to the professor to ask some questions and when I came back to my seat he immediately asked me a question.

Carl: Beth, zero to the power of anything is 1 right?

Me: Uh, yes. I think so?

Guy friend: No you're wrong. Zero to the power of anything is still zero. It's any number to the power of zero is 1.

Me: Ah, yeah, he's right!

Carl: No! There's some theory that I read before about this-

Guy friend: Why are you so stubborn??? Here I can prove it for you.

And they continued bickering for awhile but I turned around to talk with Tia instead and in the end Carl just walked away, refusing to admit his error.

And after the professor left, Tia and I went in front of the class to perform the dare we assigned to each other; she had to dance the 'Macarena' while I had to sing a remix of the Teletubbies theme song with 'Old McDonald'.

Yeah... I really did give it a 100% and I'm just thankful that people clapped warmly at the end. Prince and Carl were talking (that's when I noticed Prince) and I saw that Prince wanted to continue talking but I just sang louder, to annoy him most probably.

But after that Carl came to talk with me and I really felt uncomfortable because it felt like he was cornering me saying "Beth, stop doing weird things." Whatever, okay. It's not like I wanted to do that that badly. Luckily my guy friend helped me out again and Carl went away eventually.

I feel much better now. I don't feel like I need a guy to complete me and neither am I desperately looking for one because I'm sure when he comes, he'll be just like how I imagined it to be, better even.

Wishful thinking I know but that's all that I can hope for at the moment.

I wonder when those feelings will strike me again.

Deriving from the past

At certain moments today, I felt like I fell a bit for Prince. I guess when you're in the middle of trying to let your feelings fade away it really doesn't help if you can visibly see that person at least a couple of times a week.

Maybe it's influence from this manga I've just started reading called Strobe Edge by Sakisaka Io, a mangaka which I admire because her stories are not your typical ones.

Anyway, that manga sounds almost like my story whereby the heroine fell for a guy who's already going out with someone and that one of her classmates like her. Of course there're the differentiating elements like the sister of the classmate that likes her is actually going out with the guy she likes but that's a different story. I haven't finished reading it though although it is a completed series. Reading the manga also made me realise that I tend to fall for kind guys, like Prince. XD

But back to today. We didn't make eye-contact or anything at all but we sat relatively near each other today, almost side by side but he sat a desk behind me and an aisle separated us. We got pretty close at some points like when we were taking back our test papers but all he did was approach me quite timidly to look at my paper before going away. I need to do something to lighten the atmosphere.

Tia almost dared me to rap in front of him. XD I think I would have done it but at the moment that she dared me to I wasn't quite prepared. Ah well.

Prince and I have almost similar minds, really.

For instance if he was in my place, taking back his papers and looking through them with some friends, I would timidly approach him as well.

Also, and this was totally unexpected, we both said the same thing at the same time when the professor asked the class a question.

Well, he didn't really ask a question, he just said "So we can have smaller amplitudes and more subdivisions within this interval so the amount of subdivisions that is possible in this interval is...?"

And then Prince and I said "Infinite." XD

It was about integrals if you were wondering hahahaha. I wonder if he noticed that but I guess he wouldn't.

I do hope that he at least finds me interesting enough to become his friend.

Maybe that's possible. He could've overheard me rapping 'Love the Way You Lie' to Tia and some of my other friends. XD

And that's all for today. :)

Her face

I finally saw Prince's girlfriend's face.

I mean, I kind of knew who she was all along because there were signs here and there but to actually have it confirmed by pictures through Facebook stings a bit.

She's Italian, a brunette, pretty and has a cool aura around her. Maybe it's the triple piercings and stuff, I don't know.

People commented on her new profile picture, congratulating Prince for getting her.

And all throughout that time I really felt like something sharp pierced through me and I was stunned for several moments.

He came in class today but only for the afternoon lecture and I didn't talk with him or make any eye contact with him for that matter. The piercing feeling got a bit better throughout the day and I'm thankful for that.

Those 'what ifs' still remain but they're starting to fade now and even though it seems bleak and hopeless now, I've just got to keep telling myself that there is a guy out there that I'm much better with.

I did try to find Prince's flaws and to make them turn me off from him but it isn't working quite yet.

I still hope to become his friend though.

Wariness

I really do believe that Prince knows that I liked him. Still not sure if the word 'like' is a past-tense for me but it seems safer to go with it although at some points today I felt like I was falling for him again. Not just today though, for the previous days as well but nevertheless, I won't do anything irrational.

Why do I believe in that fact?

Today in class, he sat behind me instead of in the middle as usual because some other people were occupying his usual spot where he sits with one of my guy friends (again we have the same circles but we can never seem to make our own :|).

When the morning lecture ended, I turned around in my seat to try and locate Tia because I needed to talk with her about our project and when I did, Prince turned to look at me but I didn't want to make eye-contact with him so when I found Tia, I got out from my seat and went to her place which was the row immediately behind Prince's.

Then I began talking with her about the project in a normal tone and every now and then, it seemed as though he was listening in to the conversation and he even turned a bit I think.

Also at the end of the day, I said bye to Yu and he turned to look for a bit but since I don't usually say 'bye' to him or to my other guy friend, I didn't bother to.

In a way, I guess you can say that I'm avoiding him though I don't really know why. There're a couple of good reasons in my head but somehow they don't seem to fit into the way I'd like to express the reason for this constant evasion.

Most probably because he treated me a bit harshly (oh how dramatic) or I'm just too lazy to try to build a friendship but regardless of all of that, I somehow know he's wary of me.

I also talked a bit with the Australian guy and I really thought that I'd get attracted to him or something since he's a pretty boy (which is somehow almost always the kind of guy that I'd go for) but I didn't get any of those nerve-wrecking feelings.

Which in fact manifested in small quantities today when I thought about Prince.

But anyway, I wonder when will be the next time that I'll get these feelings again. Life seems too still without them.

Hanging

It's already bad enough that I have to give up on Prince because he has a girlfriend.

I really don't need him to make it worse for me, even though it's highly unintentional.

There I was with Tia, about to go to our project's site to do another thorough survey, when Carl and Prince suddenly appeared in front of us.

Naturally I felt a bit happy that Prince was there but Carl kind of spoilt it in a way.

Carl kept talking to me and by habit I gave eye contact and I just talked with him normally, if not almost without a care.

I'm glad that Prince said a few more words than usual and he spoke a bit more louder. It seems as though we could become friends with Carl being our only link sadly.

And then while Carl was still talking, Prince said that he needed to go away to do something and almost immediately Carl got up and followed him. And up until then, I thought that they were just being friendly and I thought that Carl already gave up on me.

Oh gosh why. Why why why why why???

Why can't it happen that the guy I like actually likes me and not some other kid that I have no interest in at all?????

They didn't even bother to talk to Tia which is quite rude but it shows that they actually wanted to approach me, even if it was for the wrong reasons.

Never mind. I'll just wait for someone that I find interesting to me to come along.

The life goal

You know, all my life up till today, I could never figure out what my goal in life really is.

It finally dawned on me during the class field trip that we had today.

I never did get to ask Prince whether he wanted to team up together with me or not because I'm just a terrible coward. I asked Tia instead, before Carl could ask me, and I could see that he wanted to.

Oh, I told Tia about this blog as well. Funny how I thought I'd never be able to tell anyone else apart from June and Helen about this blog. Not even Yu knows the existence of this blog.

Anyway, during some parts of the trip, I stole some glances at Prince and it felt like he knew I was looking at him so I did cut back a lot on trying to be near him and all of that.

And even though I said that I no longer have strong feelings for him, I'm starting to doubt that certainty a bit now.

It's not as though I think about him a lot anymore these days compared to the previous months and it's not as though I try to talk to him a lot and try to be closer with him but I can feel that somewhere inside me there's still a part that's holding onto the feeling of like that I have for him.

I know that he isn't a perfect guy. He likes to waste his time and he isn't really disciplined either but the way how he gets really absorbed into architecture is kind of the reason that makes me like him. I guess this is also the reason why I still haven't been able to make any move towards Al, because I still hold unresolved feelings for Prince.

For all I know, this feeling that I have for him will last for months more, or even years.

As if I'd stand a real chance, I know.

Then all of this made me realise that goal that I've wanted to achieve; a really shallow goal that is extremely selfish.

I want to be in an amazingly wonderful relationship.

No, it doesn't need to be rose-tinted. It doesn't need to be all roses and chocolates. It doesn't need to be about fancy dinners and materialistic gifts. It doesn't need to be dates at amusement parks and strolls by the beach.

Just a relationship with a guy where the both of us can be totally free to express ourselves. Where we can talk for hours without ever getting tired of each other's voice. Where we can fight and make mistakes but learn more from the bitterness and become closer. Where we can't wait to be together.

And somehow, my sick and irrational mind thinks that I can achieve that if I was to be with Prince.

Seriously, brain, what is wrong with you??? He freaking has a girlfriend already, do you really want to have a one-sided feeling for a guy? Can't you see that it'll only be a burden to him? You barely know this guy.

Thus, I feel like not liking anyone at the moment, if that makes any sense at all. I'm just tired of this, liking someone but never having my feelings reciprocated.

For my siblings, whomever that they are interested in, almost always the other person also likes them. Amazing huh?

But because I don't feel like liking anyone at the moment, it makes me unable to feel really happy, to live life to the fullest.

Because I lost a goal to reach.

For now I'm feeding off energy from romance mangas. I think the reason why I want to be a mangaka is to be able to create delusional worlds for myself. This is just sad hahaha.

Maybe I'm not even sure of my own feelings for Prince.

Regardless, I hope that I'll be able to find a real purpose to live.

Out of the blue

I was having my lunch when I got a phone call from one of the friends I made during the exhibition and she asked me if I'd like to hang out with her and her Greek friend and naturally the old me wanted to protest but I found myself croaking out a weak "Yes", partly due to my illness.

Which is why I found myself shopping with the both of them, walking round and round the shops and talking about random stuff.

On a side note, this made me wonder why the heck do girls bring their boyfriend to shop on the basis of wanting to "spend more time together"? I really feel sorry for all those men and I'm thankful that I'm not a shopaholic because then my ideal date wouldn't be one that my boyfriend will despise.

Anyway, let's go back to the main point.

Eventually the topic of guys came up and I more or less admitted that I was interested in Al and the friend was surprised and said that he is a nice guy.

And then she mentioned that she heard that he was interested in another woman who was at the exhibition helping out as well and even though I know that that particular woman is already in a relationship and is way older than him, I couldn't help but hear my heart sink a little. And it doesn't help that she's a model as well.

On a positive note, I feel more inspired to be healthier and prettier but even though I am not that interested in him compared to the other guys I've wrote about, I just felt a bit sad. It's as though all the guys I'm interested in have no interest in me.

I think I also felt disappointed by the fact that I thought that he was interested in me and now I fully suspect that he was just being friendly.

And come on Beth, do you really think that him liking your photo on your Facebook means anything? You're such a fool and you know that and yet you still allow yourself to place your hopes on a freaking shooting star.

But... But... The friend said something that got me thinking.

She also said that he's actually a shy person, well, seems like the type to be a shy person.

So if he is a shy person, why did he add me on Facebook only after knowing me for two days and was all chummy around me? The woman that he is (or was, I don't know) interested in only came on the third and fourth day which I don't know what my point is in bringing that up except maybe that he noticed me. But maybe after that he lost all interest.

Or he just wasn't even interested at all since shy guys tend to be even more shy around people they like.

Or if my theory is right and he is a bit like me, then he should have a bit of interest in me. Oh my brain, you make me laugh.

And this is when I think I should be better off as a lesbian cause one, I talk much more easier to girls and two, I can never get the guy I'm interested in to be interested in me.

It gives me a useless headache just thinking about it.

Why oh why are you just a helplessly desperate romantic???

Anyway, I'll be going out for an aperitif this Wednesday and for a dinner on Friday and as much as I'd like to deny it, I'm hoping to find someone to connect with. Oh man am I such a fail. My calender is actually starting to be less empty and I'm being more sociable but somehow I feel like I'm being pushed more into a dark corner.

Darn it. Where is the flashlight?

Coward

Why is it that I get so revved up to do something but when it comes to the time to actually do it my courage falters?

As you can definitely guess, I did not ask him the question and this is mainly due to the fact that I am scared of rejection as much as I hate to admit it.

He only came for the afternoon lecture today but I didn't glance at him a lot this time because I talked more to the people who were in my row while he was in the middle row where Yu was as well.

The only time we actually made eye-contact was at the end of class. Technically, class was over for around 10 minutes already but around 10 of us stuck around to finish a question that our lecturer gave (which I will attempt to do after this) and he stayed back as well.

When I was leaving, I said my farewells to some friends and then I said to Yu "Good bye, Yu!!!" and at that he looked up and we made eye-contact but I broke it off mainly because I knew that for him it doesn't mean anything.

And now the way that I'm typing things out makes me wonder if I still like him. I'm sure somewhere somehow, I do still like him but I am definitely rational enough to not expect anything to happen.

I just felt a bit happy that he took notice when I said bye to Yu cause that somehow translates to me that he might have wanted me to say bye to him as well and that he might consider me as a friend as well.

Typing that out kind of reassures me to ask him. I do hope that if I do see him online later I will just go ahead and ask him. Besides (even if I wanted to) I don't have any ulterior motives other than to work with him because he seems like a really good partner to work with.

I'll just ask him. Hopefully I won't chicken out this time.

Also, Carl tried to approach me again today by switching seats to sit nearer to where we were sitting in the front row from his back row seat. He sat next to one of my guy friends and it was really pointless for him to do so because he didn't even concentrate on class but was rather rude because he played with his phone in front of class. Definitely not my type.

Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but he really tried to portray the nice guy image even though he isn't really. During the trip to Switzerland, while we were still in Fläsch, I was about to get into the bus when I heard sounds of someone running and when I turned around I saw him running and pretending to play with a dog behind a fence and he was calling out to the dog and being friendly and everything but it kind of failed because the dog barked at him. :|

I think I mentioned something previously about the girls in my class all crowding around a British guy during break time in our Math lecture awhile ago. Regarding that, I finally got the chance to talk with him today (cause I really wanted to) and I felt kind of glad that I did succeed in that small victory. :)

He's from Australia actually but he really has a British accent hahahaha. We got talking a bit because I was sitting and talking with some of my friends when he sat behind us and at that moment I was explaining how too much Nutella made me ill (I have the flu now sadly) and he joined in.

I find him very friendly and it's a real pity that he's only an exchange student because I think that we could become really good friends because he really seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Okay, I shall try to tackle the question after this. Being a bit more free than usual makes me feel a bit tense and even though I'm lazy to, I know I must do something in order to not feel too useless. If it weren't for my flu I'm sure I could've understood class even better today.

Story I

It's been 3 weeks since she last saw him and for a second she wondered whether he still remembered her; or was she someone so easy to forget? She pretended to busy herself by fixing her bag's strap and when she finally willed herself to look up, she made eye-contact with sky-blue eyes that she thought she saw gleam for a second causing a rusty orange to glint and then disappear.

"Buongiorno."
"Buongiorno."

She mentally cursed herself for not taking the Italian class at the start of the semester. Understanding it was one thing. Speaking words apart from 'ciao' and 'grazie' and making sentences was another. Realising that her mind spaced out, she zoned back into the real world and realised that he was grinning at her.

"Cosa?" Another handy Italian word. He pointed in one direction and it dawned on her that someone was calling her which caused pink flushes to appear on her cheeks as she bowed a quick bow in thanks before rushing off to the person who called her.

He knows how to speak in English, she knew that, but she had been so adamant to speak to him in Italian prior to knowing this info that it kind of seemed impossible for him to speak to her in English. That was all from her perspective anyway, she didn't know the real reason why he never talked to her in English.

And like always, she spent almost half her time trying to catch a glimpse of the boy with the curly hair and her peers probably caught her on one or two occasions but they joked lightly about it and thankfully he wasn't anywhere near them.

Around sunset she got tired and joined the group who were gathered around a fire and she plopped down next to a pile of beach towels. Everyone was talking in a mixture of Italian and English but it was mainly Italian and she did her best to keep up with the rapid flow of words and gave the occasional necessary laugh here and there so as not to seem too out of place.

A hoodied figure sat next to her so that the towels were now between them and when she looked to her right, she realised it was him. Her heart thumped just a notch faster and she pulled herself into a crossed-leg sitting position on instinct which caused their knees to bump and she immediately apologised but he said it was fine so she sat frozen for the next two minutes, trying to calm herself down and not thinking too much about the fact that their knees are touching each other.

He didn't say anything or move away but instead conversed naturally with the rest of the people so she was able to relax after awhile and started to tune back into the conversation again. Leaning back, she used her hand and arm to support herself by planting them into the towels and then she started adding bits of words to the conversation, mainly content just by listening to the sentences flowing freely around them.

Drowsiness started to attack her eyes (and apparently everyone else's) and she was about to doze off when something warm made contact with her hand and at once her eyes popped open and the object jumped slightly. It was his hand.

She wasn't looking at him but she knew that he was definitely looking the other way as well and she felt grateful that in the partial dimness of the evening, her blush was concealed.

Her hand remained where it was, unmoving, and as much as she denied it to herself, she realised that she wanted to hold  that hand, the one that was still hovering on top of hers, the one that she could feel was slightly trembling. The atmosphere between them was tense but it seemed as though no one else felt it and those few seconds of hesitation felt like centuries.

When he eventually realised that she wasn't going to move or flinch away, his hand settled on top of hers, his palm fitting neatly with the back of her hand. It paused just a second longer before settling down as though to give her a chance to flee, uncertain with what this meant to her.

Beer was handed out but she refused while he accepted a plastic cup. No one noticed their hands clasped together beneath the beach towels. Now, with the beer having found its way into several stomachs, the conversation was reignited and everyone suddenly had more stories and jokes to share. All she did was smile and laugh though, as weak as the laughs were, while he contributed some of his own almost as easily as before but now with a small touch of something like shyness or embarrassment in his tone.

It felt wonderful, the sensation that was ripping through her from the mere touch of his skin and when their fingers grazed slightly, she felt certain that her blush turned a shade darker. Him? She had no idea. She didn't dare to look in his direction.

She suddenly felt the pressure on top of her hand decrease slightly and in a moment of subconscious panic, she held onto his fingers with her own, causing his hand to stop and to shiver slightly. When she realised her daring act, she promptly let go and bowed her head even lower, certain that her face looked like a tomato.

So when his fingers slipped between hers a second later, she turned her head towards him in surprise and they caught each other's eyes shining with a pinch of hope. He gave her a reassuring grin before turning his slightly blushing face away, tightening his grip on her and she responded by gently brushing her thumb against his several times.

She liked the warmth which seemed to seep out from his hand to hers and back to him in a cycle, a small dance of pulsating heartbeats which made the flurries in her stomach turn into tornadoes.

She enjoyed the fact that this was a small secret they both shared even though it was noticeable had anyone paid any attention to them. They were in their own world, silently realising their mutual feelings for each other.

And although both of them didn't know it, they were both hoping that this moment could be elongated just a bit more, that maybe there will be more chances like this to encounter after this one ends.
_______________________________________________________________________

And how was that for storytelling eh? I could probably make some money by writing trashy love novels that only giggly teenagers would read if I do say so myself.

I have no idea why I really wrote that story out. It's the first time that I've ever done that and I don't even really like him or find him really interesting. If anything, I should have written a story about one of the deep crushes I had for celebrities but no.

It's not like I'd even know how I'd react if that would ever happen to me but I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll get to experience something similar.

I feel sick from eating too much Nutella. =-=;

I really need to work out tomorrow hahahaha, even if I don't really feel like it tomorrow morning.

I saw him online several times on Facebook today in the chat box (which is a first) but as tempted as I was to start a conversation with him, I kept thinking that he must be chatting with someone else more important and I'd only be a bother to him. Besides, Skye told me to not do the first move and I'll listen to her even though Rainie asked me to do the exact opposite.

"It all depends on the situation."

He shared a picture of a really sexy girl in the afternoon and I somehow felt jealous and it made me feel like I should really try to get a good body. The only good thing that I can somewhat conclude from that is that he's single cause I'm pretty sure that taken guys wouldn't do that on the account of disapproval from their girlfriend but you just never know.

Okay, it's time to sleep and wow is it early. Hopefully I will work harder to become more beautiful on the inside out. And to stop snacking on Nutella too much hahahahaha.

Not ready

I myself know that I'm not ready to start liking anyone just yet, especially since I still harbour negative thoughts, but I find myself forcing my mind to like Al.

He is quite a decent guy, if I may so myself.

For me he's quite good looking (blue eyes and amazing smile) and he likes poems, has a witty sense of humour and he takes up martial arts so he's strong. The only con that I know about him so far is that he's an atheist but he's an open atheist.

One of the friends that I met during the exhibition (we'll call her Pim) is slowly encouraging me to just say "Hi" to him on Facebook but seriously, what am I supposed to use to follow that up? I mean, we didn't even speak to each other in Italian, much less English so yeah, it'd definitely will be odd.

I wanted to post stuff up in here yesterday but I attended my flatmate's birthday party and it was pretty good actually although I really don't understand why people do this all the time. Pretty tiring indeed.

Anyway, yesterday during the lecture, I was actually surprisingly civil and nice to Carl and I even smiled and laughed and whatnot and it's probably because of the events that happened during the exhibition but I will keep this good look up and hope that he doesn't misunderstand me.

While that was going on though, Prince was nearby and all he did was watch and he approached me and Yu sometimes but I did my best to not stare at him although I stole some glances now and then. I felt he did the same though but I never caught him in the act.

Maybe he was just a tiny bit jealous that I didn't talk with him. But that's fantasy world talking.

So it came as a surprise to me, while I was chatting with Pim on Facebook, that I got a message from Prince asking about the deadline for one of our projects so after a few sentences we broke it off.

I didn't get any butterflies but I did feel happy that even though some of his other friends (who are also our classmates) were online, he chose to ask me. He could've asked that question in the group page as well but he didn't so I guess that he considers me as slightly more than an acquaintance.

I do hope that this means that our friendship is slowly being repaired again. :)

Throughout that grieving period I gained a lot of weight but I will slowly lose it, using Al as a fake goal I guess.

I tried to imagine how it felt like being hugged by him and getting kisses from him but the memory is very blurry. I can't exactly remember anything so I'm just depending on my blog entry for that.

I'll have to go soon.

P.S. Pim told me that she saw Al taking a lot of pictures of me while I was drawing and I found that a bit surprising hahahaha.

Michael Cera

Did I mention that Al looks like Michael Cera? Well, he does, except for the fact that he has blue eyes.

And so I was stalking him just now on Facebook and I actually found myself debating with myself about whether or not I should go for him.

I was talking with some of my new friends at dinner just now and I got mixed views from them when I told them that I thought he was cute.

And after stalking him, I actually think that he is a really nice guy.

And that he knows English. =-= So he's probably just refusing to talk to me in English.

Again when I parted with my friends, they didn't really give me the cheek kiss thing that he did so I seriously am not sure whether or not what he did was just him being really friendly or if it means something else.

His status on Sunday went something like 'Spectacular day and day of surprises!' so again I contemplated over it too much, trying to connect it with what he did but after much consideration, I decided that he meant something else.

I'm probably just using Al to get over Prince. Seeing Prince online hurts a bit sometimes, hopefully tomorrow will be okay.

No title comes to mind somehow

Today was the last day of the exhibition.

Okay, before I go on any further I just want to say that I think I've been on auto-pilot mode throughout this whole day, maybe it started even earlier, but I am just in a mood to not do anything, even updating this blog so this is just my disciplined side updating this blog.

Second, I'm just going to call the Italian guy yesterday Al to make typing easier and faster.

We (the girls in charge) came late so when we reached there I saw that he and some other guys were outside so I just said "Ciao" and then I went inside while he did nothing but stare so I just thought "Oh, he must've been just friendly yesterday."

But then this morning while I was sitting under the table, not caring about stuff and just applying lipstick on, he squatted down and said "Boungiorno" with a grin and so I just smiled and nodded my head.

For the rest of the day we didn't really talk much but while I was taking my lunch break he said to me "Buon apetito" and yet again with a smile so I just said "Grazie" and smiled back.

Towards the end when I started talking a bit with one of the other guys, he came over and began fooling around with the guy before going away.

It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach or find him particularly interesting but I found myself approaching him and asking how much the beer he was drinking costs and we made eye contact but he broke it off and went to stand in the crowd by himself to watch the pole dancers on stage hahahaha.

We went back to our stall after that and at one point he approached me but I was talking with another guy in English so he went away.

The weird bit was at the end when I was saying my goodbyes to everyone, giving and receiving kisses on the cheeks the Italian way.

And so when I went up to him to say goodbye I expected the old cheek-to-cheek kiss but instead he gave me a peck on the cheek which didn't cause any butterflies if you were hoping for that. It was just two pecks and then he pulled me in a bit at the end and gave me a hug which no one else did but him.

He's the first guy, first person even, apart from my dad and mom to have ever kissed me literally on the cheek. Well, as far as I can remember that is.

Then he offered me his crepe and I don't know why but I leant over and bit it so yeah I got an indirect kiss but truthfully I couldn't care somehow. He even offered more but I said that I had enough and just smiled.

Now I'm wondering why didn't I just tore a piece off. Maybe it was the way Al held it out to me. It seemed as though he was suggesting me to bite it and he even offered it again so maybe he didn't mind.

He just looked at me as I left after that and I briefly made eye contact with him but that was it.

And I guess that will be the end of this story, although things could happen in the future, who knows? I'm just going to go with the flow now and I somehow couldn't care less where the tide brings me to. I don't even know if he's really interested or not or if he's just really friendly.

Maybe this is still part of the healing process that I'm going through. Maybe those aftershocks run deeper than I thought.

I don't know. I really can't care about my studies and social life now somehow.

Whatever happens, happens.