Palpitations

My heart is beating hard now and my thoughts are filled with anxiety cause I will be seeing him tomorrow after such a long time.


I'm a bit sad cause my face and body is not completely healed yet and he'll see me not at my best but at least I don't look as bad as I did two weeks ago.


Today, I was agonizing on what to write to him for my message for him because all of us EB Year 1s had to write messages to our Year 2 seniors and I really had no idea what to write.


This is the first one that I wrote, not really thinking clearly and using my head.

I feel really happy that I met you and that I got to talk to you. Even when I was stupid, you were so freaking nice to me. I wish we could've goten closer. You'll probably forget me. I just wish I had more time to get to know you and to become your friend, but truthfully, I feel something different for you.

I like you.

Crazy, I know right?

Second trial:

I feel really happy because I met you and got to work together with you in EB. Thank you for everything, especially since you were really nice to me. I hope that you'll get the chance to pursue what you really want to in life.

Not so memorable and impressive.

Luckily I had just enough time to go over it and Ariel helped me a lot as well and gave me the courage to write on a more personal level.

I feel really happy because I met you and I had a lot of fun working together with you in EB. Thank you for everything, especially since you were really nice to me. I liked texting with you and we must keep in contact!   :)  Whatever it is you want to pursue after A-Levels, I hope that you'll succeed and enjoy the journey to that dream.

I still feel scared though.

The "we must keep in contact" idea was Ariel's and I wasn't sure if I wanted to use it or not since we haven't communicated in weeks but I did in the end.

I hope tomorrow and the day after will be a good day.

Also, as I was talking with Ariel today, she told me about one of my friends who liked a guy at the start of the year.

She really showed that she was interested in him. However, this guy didn't like her in that way and proceeded to ignore and treat her badly cause he wasn't interested.

This made me think again how nice Law has been to me.

It was really obvious that I like him and he still replied my texts and even talked to me on his last day of school.

I really hope that we will still keep in contact although I don't know how that'll turn out.

My formal outfit tomorrow is really cute (cause Skye helped pick it out for me) and my get up for Prom Night is really pretty thanks to all of my siblings.

I will do my best to wear my scars proudly and keep my head held high and up.

I still can't believe that I still like him cause, you know, this feeling should fade by now but it hasn't.

I wonder if he'll even care about my message.

Anyhow, I'm going to sleep soon after reading some blog posts cause I need to be there early as I am part of the Graduation Committee.

Wish me all the best. :)

PS. I've been re-reading The Diary of Anne Frank recently and I noticed that when she began to like Peter, she wrote more in her diary. I guess we have something in common. I wish I was like her, brave and outspoken but still, I am happy that I am "me".  :)

3 Months

It's been three months since I started liking him.


And now, I feel a bit more mature in the sense that I actually really want to be his friend before I let this feeling get any stronger.


Also, I texted him good luck just now for his trials tomorrow.


Yes, it took a lot of courage and hesitation and optimism.


It could break or make my day but I will survive past any disappointment. :)


My hands were shaking and I had to take deep breaths and after texting him, I had to calm myself down by rolling on the bed.


And then I hid my phone because I couldn't bring myself to look at it, to check for any reply.


I had practiced sending a couple of texts to seniors before texting him to make myself a bit more confident.


I hardly saw him today at school.


I only saw him for a few minutes during the first break.


As for the second break, I only saw him for a moment at the end as I had a meeting.


He was walking with Ray and I was on the phone (purposely on the phone =-=;) and I was about to muster the courage to greet him when Elva began talking with me.


So I didn't get the chance.


At least all my doubts about his friends hating me have cleared cause they waved at me and I waved back (Ray included).


Okay, I'm going to go and check my phone now and I will do my best to not be disappointed.


Also, I'm also going to start to diet seriously starting from tomorrow because I want to look good for our college's prom night.

Undecided

Today, I humiliated myself in front of the entire cafeteria.


So let me rewind back to the beginning.


I told my friends in the morning about what happened between Law and I yesterday and then I left.


During the first break, when I sat down next to them, all of them went like "Guess who's sitting near us?"


I did know. I could recognize his back from across a hall but I did my best to not look at him too much unlike my friends.


Then, after he left, I suggested that all of us should go back to class so Jean decided to walk with me.


When we got to the stairs, Law was standing near the further staircase so I took the one nearer to where I was standing but Jean just had to start dragging me to the other side and I panicked.


I panicked and dragged her back too the cafeteria.


And I screamed shrieked.


I bet he noticed that.


And suddenly all my friends (the ones who knows about Law) appeared out of nowhere and began teasing me because Law was buying food and they kept on asking me to go and buy food too.


But after that when I started my duty, he was neutral with me like he didn't notice the commotion which is good.


We worked together during the cleaning up time and were quite near each other but that's about it.


After that when we went back to the hall, we had to clean up more stuff and be briefed and he sat quite near to me. :)


Then, we had to take down more newspapers and because I wanted to, I punched through one of the newspaper sheets and I was about to punch another side when he went "Wait wait wait! I want to punch too!" and then he punched the side I wanted to punch.


He grinned so taking all of my friends advice, I grinned and giggled. 


Ugh. =-=;


But at least that was something.


I'm doing my best to practice talking with my seniors especially guy ones.


But, why did Law have to come up to me?


I'm pretty sure there were ones that were closer to him.


I didn't get to work with after that and even though I planned to stay back a bit late to do my homework and maybe get the chance to talk with him, I didn't.


It was because my driver came way too early.


I told my friends that morning that I'd get the courage to talk with him but I never did.


Now they're going to help me although I don't know how. XD


But for the last bit of today, I felt really sad cause I couldn't get the chance to talk to him.


But on a good side, I still have the chance to work with him next week! :)


I got nominated for the Graduation Chairperson post in the Student Council.


I am really shocked. Really.


Maybe I'll be able to get closer to Law in this way???


Anyway, I have to sleep now even though my hair isn't dry yet in the least.


I need to prepare myself for the interview tomorrow and even though I think I'm prepared, I'll just run through my self-introduction speech and a couple of Q&A they might ask me tomorrow on my way to school tomorrow.


I hope that I'll be able to get closer to him.

I don't understand myself sometimes

So first I'll just tell a bit about what happened to myself in general before I go on to talking about Law.


I was asked by one of my seniors if I was interested in becoming the Graduation Chairperson and I really didn't expect  that I'd get asked with that question.


My heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was lightheaded but I managed to calm down and asked if I could confirm with him tomorrow cause my parents aren't really that excited about me being very involved in extra-curricular activities.


But, I managed to convince them just now and now because of that, I feel like I need to study even harder for my parents so that I'll get good results for my A-Levels.


I will not disappoint them.


Okay, now about Law. :)


I didn't get to see him during the Fixed Campaign but during the Election Board meeting I saw him for a bit but of course I did my best to not stare at him.


When I got back to the lecture hall, for some unknown reason, my group mates were discussing about him and I wanted to join in but I just knew I'd end up embarrassing myself so I didn't.


I told one of my newly made friends that I liked Law and she said that she knew another person who admired him but according to her "My friend only thinks he's pretty and cute. XD"


=-=;


A lot of people say he's pretty but I don't think so.


He's hot.


Reminds me, I finally told Elva that I liked Law.


I got around to telling her cause she said she was interested in some people also. Law included.


But, she said that she only admired him and that it's obvious that what I'm feeling for Law is more deeper than her interest in him.


And then when she asked me why I liked him, I couldn't really point out any reason.


I mean, I know why I like him but I can't express them using words.


So I ended up saying "Because.... he's hot."


And then I screamed the place down cause I've never ever ever called any real guy that I liked "hot". X|


Okay, back to Law now.


I kind of expected that he wouldn't stayback today because he didn't yesterday but he did and I was quite happy that I'd get to work with him because tomorrow, I won't be able to work with him at all.


That part got me down a bit but then I just told myself to be patient.


Anyway, we started to carry tables to and fro different halls and there was one part where I was waiting for people to enter the hall before I could exit the hall whilst I carried two tables when Law suddenly said "Let the people carrying the tables pass through first."


At least he was kind enough to help me. :)


After that, I tried to keep my distance away from him so as to not distract myself too much but I noticed that while he was distributing stationary, he approached my station first before he gradually went away.


And then, when our leader asked some people to go to the other hall to help with the preparation, I went ahead and I didn't expect that he'd come as well.


He was with some friends and they were all joking with each other and laughing their heads off and I couldn't join them as much as I wanted to so I started to do my work.


I was alone at first but then one of the seniors came over to help me so I practiced talking to people older than me   and I'm happy  to say that our conversation went quite well although slightly awkward. At least both of us tried to keep the conversation alive. :)


When we were "finished", they began joking over the newspaper articles and there was one part when he came over to where I was and I think that he was "talking" to me (or rather, the other guys around us) and he said "A youth group? You mean like a church thing?" and then it got slightly silent and I was about to say something but then that moment passed.


There was one part when we were about to clean up and I was picking up newspapers that I think that he noticed me doing the tidying up.


He said something like "You okay? Do you need help-?" and he was about to come over and help me when one of my peers stepped in to help me. =-=;


SO CLOSE.


Another part was when I was beginning to wrap more tables and initially I was alone but then one of my seniors came over to help me and I noticed that Law also wanted to help but he hovered around awkwardly before going back to sit down.


WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I INVITE HIM???!!!!!!!


I regret that part A LOT.


After that, I just tried to act normally and talked with the other senior and I noticed that Law was always quite close by.


But there was one occasion when we almost bumped into each other and for some unknown reason, I felt a tense atmosphere between the both of us.


He used a different car today. I think it's his dad's one. All my seniors and him went to eat dinner together after that.  =-=;  So lucky!


Am I thinking too much?


Were all of those events just coincidences?


I really really really hope that I'll at least get to talk to him for a bit tomorrow cause tomorrow is kind of like my last chance to ever work with him in any way.


I MUST NOT HOLD BACK AND JUST GO FOR IT.


If not, who knows when my next chance will be?


I remember when Elva asked me how much I liked him (before she found out who Law was) I answered "I like him so much that if I don't see him at all for one day at school, I'll get really depressed."


As sappy as that sounds like, it's true.


Please please please let tomorrow be magical and miraculous for the both of us.

So just pull the trigger

I don't know if it's cause I'm just too exhausted or I'm tired of waiting for something to happen but I just shot myself in the head.


Because, I just pressed the "add as friend" button on Facebook.


I am really screaming inside right now because somehow, I felt feel kind of stupid for doing that.


I mean, I actually did some prior practice (like adding other seniors) before I added Law but it doesn't feel the same.


I added him cause we've already sent each other a few texts back and forth even though it's only regarding school matters and we do know each other already and we have worked with each other.


So I'll just type down what happened at school today before I go off to sleep.


I was supposed to meet him during the first break but I used up the first half of the break celebrating my friend's birthday after which I texted him and asked him where I could find him.


By the time the bell rang, he didn't reply so I just texted him saying it's okay and I asked if I could pass the papers to him during the second break when we had our Election Board meeting and he said it was okay. He said sorry also cause he had his phone on silent.


I was really tempted to reply him but then I didn't want to look stupid so I just left it like that.


But then, I didn't pass it to him during the meeting because he went out as soon as the meeting finished so I passed it to Angel instead and she was really nice and all. :) Thank goodness.


We had our rehearsal for the campaign tomorrow after school and at first I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't see him but then when I went down, I saw him at the assembly area so I felt slightly happy that I got to see him.


He had to stayback a bit with some friends to talk about the campaign tomorrow.


Throughout that time, I just sat down and tried to finish doing our house's banner which I think I can finish drawing by this Friday, hopefully. :)


I saw him looking in my direction once for quite some time but I will not think too much about it cause it could have been a coincidence.


He went home quite late today and while I was talking with another senior, he had to wait for our conversation to finish cause he was sending the senior back home.


I kind of feel this weird atmosphere between us.


I think it's cause he knows I'm interested in him and he doesn't know what to do.


I feel stupid for adding him.


What if he doesn't accept it????!!! =-=;


I don't want to stress too much over this small thing and I need to concentrate more on my studies and other duties.


Tomorrow's Valentine's Day in case you guys forgot.


I'm truthfully a little excited since this is the first time in 12 years that I've attended a co-ed school and I wonder how it'll be like tomorrow.


I'm quite certain some of my friends will get a couple of confessions cause they're all so pretty and nice. :)


As for me, I'm definitely not going to confess unless something stupid overpowers me and then I'll know I'll regret my future words and actions in the future.


Okay, I've got to go to sleep now.

Word of the day: FOOLISH

I must do my best to not be distracted by Law throughout Leadership Camp.


Or else, I'll look like some idiotic, pathetic, fool.


I didn't see him during the first break even though I tried hard to find him. Turns out, my back was facing him so obviously, I couldn't see him. =-=;


At least I didn't stare at him.


As for our second break, I did catch a few glimpses of him now and then but since our table was unusually full today, I was busy communicating with all of my friends so I didn't pay too much attention to him.


Honestly, today really felt like a really long day.


When the bell rang for the second break, I thought it was time to go home already but of course that was my own false alarm ringing.


When the real final bell rang, I waited for one of my friends before going to the Election Board meeting but even though we took our time to reach there, we both were early so I think we gave off the impression of being super excited. And not in the good way.


Law was already in the room so I didn't want to enter just yet until one of my seniors gave the green light.


And I did my first foolish thing by bowing 90 degrees when I entered the room.


Law just stared and I bet he was thinking, "That girl again? Why the hell did she bow down?"


I feel like hitting myself for always doing stupid things that probably other people will remember and use to laugh or scoff at.


I blame myself for being influenced by all those Korean variety and music shows where they always bow down at the beginning and end of every show.


When they asked us to help around, I reacted unusually slow today.


I was slightly preoccupied because I was texting my music teacher because I had to quit going for my piano lessons. TT^TT


I would have normally just went out to find a rag to wipe down the banner but I was being a fool today. Of course.


Law just went out and came back with a rag and even though the other seniors asked him to ask us year ones to do it he was like "It's okay. I'm feeling nice today."


Another senior handed another piece of cloth and I grabbed at it (like a fool) but my other friend got it so she got to help Law out.


Throughout the meeting, I did my best to not always turn and stare at him but I think he knows.


He's not a fool.


So tomorrow, I won't stare at him. I can't afford to.


All I did was ask questions like an idiot. 


I bet they all think I'm an idiot.


For one, I was the only nerd taking down notes about everything the seniors dictated. =-=;


But after the meeting, when I felt like every senior hated me, one of them smiled at me and another one of my friends so I feel like I still have hope to not make everyone hate me.


I hope that I'll get closer to all my seniors, not only Law, throughout the camp.


I wish someone could tell me what to talk about and how to have a conversation with people older than me cause I always have this fear of people older than me unlike kids these days.


I hope that I won't be all awkward and everything.


I need to turn my switch on and be a dandy and optimistic girl throughout this camp.


I must make everyone happy and do my best to not look like a fool in front of everyone (especially Law) and hopefully, I'll get more self-confidence and be able to communicate with everyone better and more effectively. :)


Please God, please.


Give me a miracle.

Almost, maybe, probably dented

Well today, I almost couldn't control myself from staring at him every time I saw him at the cafeteria.


I MUST NOT STARE.


While I was staring at him during the first break, I saw him sitting with a group of girls and I tried not to think too much about it but then when I looked back, there was this girl who sat like super close to him.


At first I was like, "Oh, so that must be his girlfriend."


But then, he had this rejecting kind of body language towards her.


He shifted his shoulders away from hers and then the next time I glanced, he was walking past me to a different table and then sat with a group of guys.


So, my hypothesis from this observation is;


a) She is not his girlfriend.
b) He does not like her flirting with him.
c) He is single.


^^


Of course I could be wrong but I don't know much about him just yet.


Or he could just be not on lovey-dovey terms with his girlfriend??? o.O


Anyway, he sat with a different group of people during the 2nd break (there were girls there too =-=, but a different set from usual) and I only glanced at him a million times cause I pretended to be looking at something behind him. XD


He was drinking Cola with his right pinky raised, but he somehow didn't seem gay.


OMG, PLEASE DON'T LET HIM BE GAY.


But he doesn't seem gay to me.


Well, from that information, I know he likes Cola and he's right-handed. :D


Although I only drink Cola at the movies or when I eat McD, I could drink it every day if it meant I could talk normally with him and be his friend. XD


The Election Board audition is tomorrow. I hope I'll be able to get through it and become an Election Board trainee cause a lot of my seniors are pestering me to run for a position in the Student Council.


I tried telling them "No" but I couldn't have told them that 50% of the reason why I'm joining the Election Board is so that I can become closer to Law.


Okay, I must go exercise now.  :D


I really want to be able to talk with him. :)


As in having a normal conversation with him.


Big dreams. XD