I seriously couldn't care about my assignments. Probably going to pull an all nighter today to finish whatever I can.
So I read a couple of mangas just now and it made me think, 'If I had a different family, if I lived in a different environment, or if I had met different friends but still held the same principles and values, would I have been the person I am today?'
Naturally you and I know that the answer is 'Yes'.
No. I meant 'No'.
But really, I wish I could have someone's personality just for one day, the type who doesn't think too much and is reckless in her decisions. Someone who's the direct opposite of my character.
Someone who'll throw caution to the winds and just date around and not wait for the right guy to come along.
And when I think about that, I start to think 'What if I wasn't a Christian?'. Then I would be "free", in a way, to sleep around and do all those kinds of things that's forbidden in Christianity because as a human I'm naturally curious.
But when those thoughts appear in my head, I naturally feel guilty. It's probably cause I'm freaking traditional as well, also maybe one of the reasons why I never had a boyfriend, because I never asked any guy out.
Then I start thinking 'Should I make the first move to talk with Al?' and then I crush that thought out not even a minute later.
All of these thoughts get mucked up into my brain and ruin my concentration. I can't perform any duties out properly at the moment.
How can I sort this mess out?
Yes, due to several other contributing factors, I know that I am not in a right state of mind now.
Yes, I can still think and I know how to prioritise but I just can't organise my mind properly and to actually commit to them and act on the things I really need to do and I actually enjoy doing some of those things but I just can't. I can't do that right now.
And the big question here is: Why?
And the most simple and yet aggravating answer is: Him.
Guess what, ladies and gentlemen? I had another dream about him last night.
I have no idea this time, not much recollection that is, of what I dreamt about but all I remember is hearing his name and seeing his name everywhere.
I just might be schizophrenic now.
And I think I know the solution to this problem. It's to talk with him.
However, I am scared I might get rejected and then this problem will get even worse.
Or he will be nice to me and then this problem will get even more worse which is really one of the many worst case scenarios that I can imagine right now.
This is why parents should allow their daughters to hang around guys from a young age so that when they start to develop feelings for the opposite sex, they won't be as messed up and as nerve-wrecking as me.
I don't have any guy friends that are close with me. In fact, I do believe that all the guys are wary of me and I have no idea why. It must be me. What the hell am I doing wrong and how can I fix this???
You have no idea how tempted I am to just chat him up on Facebook but then again, I wouldn't know what to say to him cause I have no idea how to make a move towards being more than just classroom friends.
This is bad. This is serious. And I have no idea where I'm heading to or what I'm doing.
A friendship needs cooperation and effort from both sides. Maybe guys just don't want to be my friend.
And at this point, maybe I should just be a lesbian since I find talking with girls more easily and I bet I could even have enough charm to make a girl become my girlfriend.
But deep deep deep down inside, I don't want that. I really don't.
I want a guy.
And at this moment, I want one specific guy who probably doesn't even think about me except for the times when we see each other.
Why has all my love interest only been one sided?
When will it ever be both sided?
I cannot stand the way that I'm thinking now.
If I really get super crazy by the end of today and if I really cannot stand it any longer, you'll know that I'd have done something so stupid that will teach me a good lesson and that will probably scar me for life.
Or I might just chicken out and rock myself to sleep in a corner.
Why the hell am I so shy around guys I like???????????????
