The Reason why I should stay Single

I haven't posted in here for ages and that's mainly because I started losing interest in relationships awhile back.
It started out with me just wanting to not think too much about getting into one and then in the end, I just feel like it is so much of a bother and too much effort.

Plus, I've seen my siblings change, either for the good or for the worse and I kind of dread to think that I might end up going in the wrong direction.

I mean, it kind of is happening now; not like I'm dating anyone or anything.

I started becoming friends with a Korean girl through deviantArt and over time, we grew to become very close until it got to a point where I wondered whether I liked her more than just a friend but after some thought and inspection, I've decided that I don't have that kind of feeling for her.

Yet, I find myself getting jealous when other people get all pally with her.
And I find it sad that I get upset when she comments on other people's things when she hasn't replied to my message from three days ago.

She has some eye problems now and I understand that she wants to rest them but if that is so, why won't she talk with me?

I seriously sound like some crazy girlfriend now ahahahahaha.

I find myself missing her messages and checking my page and her page for any updates or notifications.

We already swore to each other that we'd be best friends forever so I'm doing my best to have faith in this friendship but I'm so scared of being replaced.
I'm not even that good as an artist and she is way above me.
It really makes me wonder why she decided to be friends with me.
And all those other people who are pally with her are really amazing artists.
I bet she wonders why she got stuck with me.

My confidence in my own self is very low at this moment.

I never expected to invest this much emotion into this friendship.

Initially, I really tried to hold back because I have trust issues but she instead was so giving and kind to me that in the end, my wall broke down and I started to reach out again to her.

Now I just feel pathetic, waiting for her messages.

On my side, I will continue to fight for this friendship but if she ever just wants to let me go, it's her right and I won't stop her.
I'll get depressed for a few days but I'm sure I'll get over it.

So yes, I shouldn't even consider getting a boyfriend because the kind of emotions running through me right now is so bitter that I really can't stand them.
And thank goodness they haven't really affected much of me just yet.

But I feel like if I go through another day without any message from her, I'll really get down.

I still don't think this is a crush, at least I hope so.

It's all just attraction

Well I have a tiny crush on Ken now and it's just a crush, rest assured, not a real feeling. I think whenever I write these things I'm doing my best to convince myself that it's just a crush and not a real thing because otherwise I'll confuse both of them up.

I don't know, I just like the way he holds himself. When he presented his work to the class yesterday with the rest of his group mates, he didn't even interject them while they said their part (and my group mates kept interrupting me even though I never interrupted them) and when the professors were giving their opinion on the project, he just listened to them and slightly raised his eyebrows but overall he didn't even raise his voice or went against them.

I just think that he's sweet. He even stayed for a bit to look at our presentation and smiled when a joke was cracked but he left after that.

But I know that this is just a crush and that I have no chance whatsoever with him because I'm not a hot Italian girl, I can't speak a lot of Italian, and I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend because he is too cute and well-mannered to not have one.

In any case, I'm not going to hunt for romance here in Italy because I really can't trust the people and myself here. I might end up going against my own beliefs and I somehow feel that it's much more safer in Asia than here, for goody-two shoes type girls like me.

So for now I'm just going to content myself by thinking of Lay. He always makes me more inspired and makes me feel more happier.

I really wish I could meet him or a guy like him in real life. I'm just going to have to believe that this is possible.

To not step beyond the border

To keep things short and simple (cause I need to go do my work after this) I will sum everything up that happened to me last Friday night during my friend's birthday party even though originally I wanted to make a long post. Anyway, let's see how this post will turn out.

Technically on that day I got a little bit more tipsier than usual but don't worry, I was still able to think clearly and to notice certain things around me.

I was dancing most of the time after the food and I noticed that guys were looking at me, in particular some of my Italian coursemates who never even talked much to me in the previous semester, and I wasn't even dancing like some sexy girl and I'm sure my moves were extremely uncool. My friends said it was because I had a tremendous amount of energy.

So tremendous that the entire room was staring at me. =-= Yeah, I'm still embarrassed as hell about it because one, that wasn't even a club but more like a bar.

And two, some guy just came over and started dancing with me. At first I thought he was dared to do so but apparently he wanted to dance with me because I was alone which happened a lot because my friends always left me. =-= I tried to stop several times but they wouldn't allow me to sit.

Those situations just made me more aware about what men, in general, wants. It makes me fear relationships even more and I really would just like to remain single for now. Their eyes really terrified me.

Anywho I'm going to go to another party this weekend (wow, I'm so popular suddenly OMG) and I hope that I won't cause something like that to happen again and yes, I'd love to dance again but I'd rather dance for myself than for other people. I don't mind dancing in a corner and being alone as long as I can dance.

Truthfully, I only started getting into dancing ever since I began liking Lay. I will do my best for him. My Chinese has also been going well. I really do hope that I can meet him and talk to him in Chinese but that's a long way from now.

Okay I will go take my shower soon, play a few games of candy crush, read and research, study Chinese, and then sleep. I have a feeling I'll only be sleeping at 2 but that's okay. :)

On a side note, I've become more wary of an Italian guy in my class, let's call him Ken, and I somehow think it's because of his personality. He's really quiet among people but more open to his friends and he doesn't boast and he is ready to admit his mistakes. It's also a bonus that he is quite cute; blonde hair and blue eyes. Although he is on the shorter side (I keep falling for guys shorter than me or those who are around my height :|), he really is attractive.

Rest assured though, I won't let this get to me. I have Lay already for that and I'll be waiting for someone like him. :)

And Carl on the other hand (just to let you guys know) is the complete opposite of Ken. He made a mistake during the pin-up review and when the professor corrected him, yet again, he refused to admit his fault.

Well anyway, that's all for now. I need to get my act together and to push harder for my dreams!

PS. Did I mention that the party this weekend will be partly for Carl?????????? Initially I decided to click the 'join' button on Facebook because it was to celebrate one of my guy friend's birthday but suddenly it became Carl's one as well. Let's just hope that I don't talk much with him.

Do unicorns exist?

I really believe that SME is extremely good at giving their idols very good images. Ordinary fans and new fans will be immediately enchanted by the good boys and good girls who are extremely gorgeous and talented. Sasaeng fans know better on the other hand.

I read up some more facts about EXO now and although most of the facts all show them in a good light, I know that there's no way that they can be that perfect.

But I have no idea why I keep on seeing Lay in a good light.

I tried to look for bad stuff about him in vain and overall he really does sound like a perfect guy.

Is it because he's Catholic?

That's another rumour that has yet to be confirmed but so far, that's what everyone says.

But if he is so good and mature and kind... I don't know. It makes me think that he's really really really like a unicorn, an example of a very rare guy.

I don't know why but I kind of give up on the idea of ever dating, not like I want to.

Because seriously, despite my good personality, skills and above average looks, what guy would date me if they knew that I completely refuse the idea of sex before marriage?

Call it general stereotyping, but isn't it true that most guys are in relationships because they want to have sex?

Well, in general, Western guys are more open about it than Asian guys but I don't know. I still think Asian guys are more conservative and are against the sex before marriage thing.

Maybe that's why I'm only attracted to Asian guys. Because of the conservative thing.

Lately whenever I pass by people while walking, the thought that they've all already, probably, have slept with someone if they're already above the age of 13 pops into my head.

It gets even worse when I see guys because all that I ever think is that they just can't wait to get inside someone's pants, regardless of gender according to their own preference.

It's a really bad and judgemental thought but I can't help but think that way. It's really hard to force yourself to think in a nicer manner once you've got that thought running in your head.

And so, only for the moment hopefully, I am completely turned off at the idea of getting a boyfriend, much less if some guy likes me.

I'm currently content with just thinking that Lay is a perfect guy and that I'm in an imaginary relationship with him.

Maybe that's why I'm attracted to guys who look like girls and have such an innocent and awkward image. It's because I think that their sexual drive is lower, not like that's for sure or anything.

Assumptions, assumptions.

I will turn 20 in less than three months and I can then officially say that I have never had a relationship while I was in my teens, which is what most of my friends had already.

Yes, I feel sad at that thought because I can't ever do any of those things that I read in mangas or watch in animes or movies or dramas but I feel a bit happy knowing that I didn't have to suffer intense heartbreaks and stuff.

But I really do feel sad that I never went out on a date during my teens.

No scenes of me shyly holding a guy's hand, or a first kiss, or excitedly texting someone, or calling each other till late at night. When will I ever get to do any of those things?

Is it too much to ask for a guy who's conservative, who I find attractive (physically, personally etc.) and will actually like me?

I'm pretty pathetic aren't I?

All my siblings, older and younger than me, has been in or is still in a relationship and yeah, I do feel left out.

But I don't want a boyfriend in order to fit in, please don't think like that.

.............................

I'm really going to live through life alone aren't I? I really hope not.

The Guy

I have unrealistic hopes and dreams about the relationship that I want to have with a guy but I'm not going to give up on them because somewhere, somehow, I'm sure I will experience it one day.

It's hard to find, that much I'm positively sure but I just feel like something good will happen as long as I try my best to be a good person and to not look for it because it will come when it's destined to come.

Maybe it's because I've been reading too many romance mangas lately and one way or another, I get too much into the character so my imagination gets pretty delusional.

I think that for my past crushes, it could've been that I was more into the idea of being in love than actually liking the person because the feeling of butterflies in your stomach makes everything rose-tinted and the day just passes by more quicker.

I think I should be happy for couples who have finally found someone that they can really cherish.

It's summer here and it's freaking hot but I am somewhat cool and calm, like I raised a protective barrier around me. I can only hope that it'll protect me from unwanted distractions and the like.

And now I guess I'll be going into another long hiatus. I feel like I finally have stopped my feelings for Prince and I no longer feel anything much for him other than as a classmate.

You might think that I hated him or something when I found out that he had a girlfriend but I never disliked him. I never disliked his girlfriend either. I'm sure they must really like each other a lot and that they complement each other. 

In fact, I don't think I would have complemented Prince at all, even though I still believe that we have the same brainwave.

My guy has yet to come and till then, I will be waiting patiently.

Wariness

I really do believe that Prince knows that I liked him. Still not sure if the word 'like' is a past-tense for me but it seems safer to go with it although at some points today I felt like I was falling for him again. Not just today though, for the previous days as well but nevertheless, I won't do anything irrational.

Why do I believe in that fact?

Today in class, he sat behind me instead of in the middle as usual because some other people were occupying his usual spot where he sits with one of my guy friends (again we have the same circles but we can never seem to make our own :|).

When the morning lecture ended, I turned around in my seat to try and locate Tia because I needed to talk with her about our project and when I did, Prince turned to look at me but I didn't want to make eye-contact with him so when I found Tia, I got out from my seat and went to her place which was the row immediately behind Prince's.

Then I began talking with her about the project in a normal tone and every now and then, it seemed as though he was listening in to the conversation and he even turned a bit I think.

Also at the end of the day, I said bye to Yu and he turned to look for a bit but since I don't usually say 'bye' to him or to my other guy friend, I didn't bother to.

In a way, I guess you can say that I'm avoiding him though I don't really know why. There're a couple of good reasons in my head but somehow they don't seem to fit into the way I'd like to express the reason for this constant evasion.

Most probably because he treated me a bit harshly (oh how dramatic) or I'm just too lazy to try to build a friendship but regardless of all of that, I somehow know he's wary of me.

I also talked a bit with the Australian guy and I really thought that I'd get attracted to him or something since he's a pretty boy (which is somehow almost always the kind of guy that I'd go for) but I didn't get any of those nerve-wrecking feelings.

Which in fact manifested in small quantities today when I thought about Prince.

But anyway, I wonder when will be the next time that I'll get these feelings again. Life seems too still without them.

The life goal

You know, all my life up till today, I could never figure out what my goal in life really is.

It finally dawned on me during the class field trip that we had today.

I never did get to ask Prince whether he wanted to team up together with me or not because I'm just a terrible coward. I asked Tia instead, before Carl could ask me, and I could see that he wanted to.

Oh, I told Tia about this blog as well. Funny how I thought I'd never be able to tell anyone else apart from June and Helen about this blog. Not even Yu knows the existence of this blog.

Anyway, during some parts of the trip, I stole some glances at Prince and it felt like he knew I was looking at him so I did cut back a lot on trying to be near him and all of that.

And even though I said that I no longer have strong feelings for him, I'm starting to doubt that certainty a bit now.

It's not as though I think about him a lot anymore these days compared to the previous months and it's not as though I try to talk to him a lot and try to be closer with him but I can feel that somewhere inside me there's still a part that's holding onto the feeling of like that I have for him.

I know that he isn't a perfect guy. He likes to waste his time and he isn't really disciplined either but the way how he gets really absorbed into architecture is kind of the reason that makes me like him. I guess this is also the reason why I still haven't been able to make any move towards Al, because I still hold unresolved feelings for Prince.

For all I know, this feeling that I have for him will last for months more, or even years.

As if I'd stand a real chance, I know.

Then all of this made me realise that goal that I've wanted to achieve; a really shallow goal that is extremely selfish.

I want to be in an amazingly wonderful relationship.

No, it doesn't need to be rose-tinted. It doesn't need to be all roses and chocolates. It doesn't need to be about fancy dinners and materialistic gifts. It doesn't need to be dates at amusement parks and strolls by the beach.

Just a relationship with a guy where the both of us can be totally free to express ourselves. Where we can talk for hours without ever getting tired of each other's voice. Where we can fight and make mistakes but learn more from the bitterness and become closer. Where we can't wait to be together.

And somehow, my sick and irrational mind thinks that I can achieve that if I was to be with Prince.

Seriously, brain, what is wrong with you??? He freaking has a girlfriend already, do you really want to have a one-sided feeling for a guy? Can't you see that it'll only be a burden to him? You barely know this guy.

Thus, I feel like not liking anyone at the moment, if that makes any sense at all. I'm just tired of this, liking someone but never having my feelings reciprocated.

For my siblings, whomever that they are interested in, almost always the other person also likes them. Amazing huh?

But because I don't feel like liking anyone at the moment, it makes me unable to feel really happy, to live life to the fullest.

Because I lost a goal to reach.

For now I'm feeding off energy from romance mangas. I think the reason why I want to be a mangaka is to be able to create delusional worlds for myself. This is just sad hahaha.

Maybe I'm not even sure of my own feelings for Prince.

Regardless, I hope that I'll be able to find a real purpose to live.

Out of the blue

I was having my lunch when I got a phone call from one of the friends I made during the exhibition and she asked me if I'd like to hang out with her and her Greek friend and naturally the old me wanted to protest but I found myself croaking out a weak "Yes", partly due to my illness.

Which is why I found myself shopping with the both of them, walking round and round the shops and talking about random stuff.

On a side note, this made me wonder why the heck do girls bring their boyfriend to shop on the basis of wanting to "spend more time together"? I really feel sorry for all those men and I'm thankful that I'm not a shopaholic because then my ideal date wouldn't be one that my boyfriend will despise.

Anyway, let's go back to the main point.

Eventually the topic of guys came up and I more or less admitted that I was interested in Al and the friend was surprised and said that he is a nice guy.

And then she mentioned that she heard that he was interested in another woman who was at the exhibition helping out as well and even though I know that that particular woman is already in a relationship and is way older than him, I couldn't help but hear my heart sink a little. And it doesn't help that she's a model as well.

On a positive note, I feel more inspired to be healthier and prettier but even though I am not that interested in him compared to the other guys I've wrote about, I just felt a bit sad. It's as though all the guys I'm interested in have no interest in me.

I think I also felt disappointed by the fact that I thought that he was interested in me and now I fully suspect that he was just being friendly.

And come on Beth, do you really think that him liking your photo on your Facebook means anything? You're such a fool and you know that and yet you still allow yourself to place your hopes on a freaking shooting star.

But... But... The friend said something that got me thinking.

She also said that he's actually a shy person, well, seems like the type to be a shy person.

So if he is a shy person, why did he add me on Facebook only after knowing me for two days and was all chummy around me? The woman that he is (or was, I don't know) interested in only came on the third and fourth day which I don't know what my point is in bringing that up except maybe that he noticed me. But maybe after that he lost all interest.

Or he just wasn't even interested at all since shy guys tend to be even more shy around people they like.

Or if my theory is right and he is a bit like me, then he should have a bit of interest in me. Oh my brain, you make me laugh.

And this is when I think I should be better off as a lesbian cause one, I talk much more easier to girls and two, I can never get the guy I'm interested in to be interested in me.

It gives me a useless headache just thinking about it.

Why oh why are you just a helplessly desperate romantic???

Anyway, I'll be going out for an aperitif this Wednesday and for a dinner on Friday and as much as I'd like to deny it, I'm hoping to find someone to connect with. Oh man am I such a fail. My calender is actually starting to be less empty and I'm being more sociable but somehow I feel like I'm being pushed more into a dark corner.

Darn it. Where is the flashlight?

Maybe a jump at the chance?

Due to several factors, I believe that Yu and I won't work as groupmates for the next exercise and I learnt this from Xia because Xia and Yu want to pair up together and naturally I feel a bit left out but I'm taking this as an experience to learn more from other people.

Thus, I found myself wanting to team up with Prince and it isn't because I still hold extremely deep feelings for him but because I actually find him an interesting person to work with and I do hope he holds the same regards for me.

Today for our second exercise's evaluation, Yu and I got an 'A' while he and Carl got an 'A/B' this time so in a way, I do think he might think of me as someone good to work with.

Initially I planned to ask him face to face but I decided to just ask him tonight via Facebook so at the very least we both won't be physically there to feel the awkwardness.

I was definitely not looking my best today so when I met him I did feel a bit embarrassed but that bit only sank in after he left me.

We were passing each other in the hallway and since he was going the opposite direction, I said "Hey" and smiled at him on instinct ad he looked surprised (as per usual) and I think he said a soft "Hey" and a mid-smile and I actually wanted to stop right there at the vending machine but he was still there so I pretended to walk ahead again.

We made eye-contact several times today accidentally and there was still that weird eye-contact thing going on. I do believe that this means that he is especially wary of me.

After the evaluation, he and Carl went over to our place to check the model out and he came over first but since we were talking with another girl, he left after a bit but he came back later when Carl came over.

I addressed both of them in general to show that I won't bite (cause I always have this feeling that they think I do) and when that happened, Prince moved in closer to have a look cause I'm sure that he was just waiting for the signal from me or something like that to have a look hahahaha. Carl was quite rude to me on the other hand, payback maybe? He kept talking to me though and it was a bit annoying.

In a way, I feel a bit sorry for Yu because I don't think she can talk with Prince so easily now, not like they've talked much, but I kind of decapitated their friendship.

So whether I get rejected by Prince later or not (which is only a 1% possibility I think), I'll just use the outcome to make me a better person. The rejection bit will help me to prepare for future rejections and I will really need to get acquainted with it I believe.

Also, on a different note, a 40-something year old guy was hitting on me last night, inviting me over to his single-roomed house and everything, and he asked me whether or not I've had sex before and I said "No" and he began saying stuff like if it happens, let it happen and up until then, I didn't realise his intentions.

Which is pretty stupid of me I guess but I just thought that he was being friendly.

It makes me wonder if every single guy out there is in it only for sex and I have been told that Italian men are notorious for this kind of attitude, which is probably the reason why I lean more towards Asian guys because they are in a sense more polite about it.

The guy hitting on me wasn't Italian by the way, I think that he just adopted that kind of behaviour after living here for several years.

After I made a kind of speech about guys having to respect my principles before even sleeping with me, he immediately lost all his friendliness and was brisk and I just pretended to be my usual jolly self and I pretended to go offline after that. Oh, such a classic.

That's it for now. Going to enjoy my salads now hahahaha. I haven't had a real break from my assignments and exams in a long time and I will enjoy it to the fullest but I will do my best to prepare myself for the coming ones. A bit sick today as well so I definitely did not look good today hahahahaha.

A passing thought

I'm actually just procrastinating on work here but this thought really did go through my head several times in class since last Friday.

Prince is seriously good looking.

You have no idea how many times I caught a short glimpse of him and wondered "Wow, since when did we have such a hot guy in our class?" only to realise who this "hot guy" was several seconds later and seriously, I'm not lying.

Is it because I forgot how his face looked like, especially since he's using a photo with his sunglasses on for his Facebook profile picture?

HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SHEEP THIS IS HILARIOUS.

But yeah, he is really the type to catch anyone's attention with his looks. I'm really considering as to whether I should draw a manga version of him and to upload it on here. Maybe I should even do it for all of the other previous guys.

And manga version because it'd be pretty unlucky for me if someone I knew came across this blog and think "Hmm... Doesn't this look like ******???" and no I wouldn't want that. I'm pretty happy with only having two readers who I actually know in real life.

I find it quite funny that I used to look forward to go to uni so much but now I'd rather stay at home or go buy a new book and read it in a restaurant while having my lunch. That to me sounds like heaven now.

Also, we're going to have a gathering for Malaysians in Milan and Al was invited but he can't go because he's going to France (according to a self-translation minus Google and a dictionary) so I did feel a bit down but not too much. He'll probably not go for the beach gathering either hahahaha.

And another funny thing, he was added to the Malaysians in Italy group despite being an Italian. No, I'm not being racist and close-minded, it's just a bit funny although not a 'HA-HA-HA' kind of funny. The rest of the other guys weren't added though. :|

One thing that made me interested in him is the fact that he's a Capricorn, just like me, so I wondered whether or not we shared the same qualities.

If I'm not reading too much into it (which I always do), he is a bit like me but unlike him who's probably just a genuine smiley person who is really friendly, I have to keep an act up so that people won't think I'm arrogant just cause I don't smile a lot.

Okay. I really need to get back to work. I wasted a good 17 minutes on this hahahaha.

If I was someone else

I seriously couldn't care about my assignments. Probably going to pull an all nighter today to finish whatever I can.

So I read a couple of mangas just now and it made me think, 'If I had a different family, if I lived in a different environment, or if I had met different friends but still held the same principles and values, would I have been the person I am today?'

Naturally you and I know that the answer is 'Yes'.

No. I meant 'No'.

But really, I wish I could have someone's personality just for one day, the type who doesn't think too much and is reckless in her decisions. Someone who's the direct opposite of my character.

Someone who'll throw caution to the winds and just date around and not wait for the right guy to come along.

And when I think about that, I start to think 'What if I wasn't a Christian?'. Then I would be "free", in a way, to sleep around and do all those kinds of things that's forbidden in Christianity because as a human I'm naturally curious.

But when those thoughts appear in my head, I naturally feel guilty. It's probably cause I'm freaking traditional as well, also maybe one of the reasons why I never had a boyfriend, because I never asked any guy out.

Then I start thinking 'Should I make the first move to talk with Al?' and then I crush that thought out not even a minute later.

All of these thoughts get mucked up into my brain and ruin my concentration. I can't perform any duties out properly at the moment.

How can I sort this mess out?

Unseen

Okay, so I just went on Facebook for a short while again just now to stalk the guy's page and then I realised that he does know English and that he also took a picture of me three days ago and placed it on his wall.

And I don't know why but I feel like I immediately turned off.

I somehow just don't like the idea of anyone taking an interest in me at the moment.

Yeah... I really don't want anyone to like me at the moment. At all.

I just want to be by myself and my dreams about Ray from C-CLOWN and not care about the guys I meet in real life.

Heck, now I even feel like ignoring him but I won't and will just act cool.

I feel like I'm about to get a headache from just thinking about it, ugh.

Okay, I'm just going to sleep now.

Third day at the exhibition

I got married four times today hahahaha. And yes, it's tiring and no it's not real, it's just for a performance hahahaha.

The Mermaid Theory works, just let me say that.

I actually took notice of one of the Italian guys who was helping out at our stall by performing some martial arts for the stage performances but I didn't bother to take much interest till today. He previously didn't seem interested either, especially since there's a language barrier between us both.

Today though, he was super nice to me all of a sudden.

I only started realising it when a whole bunch of us decided to eat lunch outside the building.

While waiting, we all watched some people perform some martial arts and by habit I had placed my hand over my stomach and that was when he turned around and he said "Hungry" in Italian, mistaking my gesture for me being hungry but I didn't want to embarrass him so I just played along saying "Extremely hungry" in Italian, stumbling over some words. Again, I didn't give that event much thought.

It was raining so we decided to just walk in the rain even though we didn't have any umbrellas with us so I used my shawl as a shelter and began walking to the stalls.

And that was when he suddenly came to my side and placed his right arm around my waist to help me to walk on the gravel since I was wearing really tall high heels and I didn't flinch (which is a good thing because otherwise it would have been rude I think) but I let him help me and yeah, I guess I admit that I kind of flirted with him a little by leaning a bit on to him and then stumbling a little here and there but there's no harm in that right?

When we reached the stall I thanked him but then we decided to go back since the rain was getting more heavy so I was about to walk out when suddenly one of the other guys appeared with an umbrella and the former guy said "Give it to the bride" in Italian so I walked with the other guy. The former guy also asked the other one to steady me by holding onto my waist and he did and I found it a bit odd hahaha but then again they're Italians so touching is no big deal.

For our last performance, he also invited me to sit down on a chair as we waited for our turn to perform and even though I wasn't tired, I just sat down so that I won't embarrass him. And this was odd too because he never even looked much in my direction previously. In fact, he was asked to be my fake groom on the second day but he declined.

He was also the only one from that group that I said "Bye" to at the end of the day and it did feel nice. He even added me on Facebook and that is how I knew his name hahahaha.

The sad thing here is that I didn't feel any electricity at all, not much chemistry for that matter either.

In fact, throughout the whole day, I was just wondering whether Prince came or not or if he did, did he see me and all of that. I swear I'm going crazy because I kept seeing people's faces and heads and then thinking that they were Prince until I observed them more closely.

I'm also finding myself rejecting the idea of even getting attracted to anyone. My mind automatically thinks that they have a girlfriend so I should leave them alone.

I didn't give him a name even though he interests me because he doesn't live in Milan so I won't see him much anyway so I already know that whatever relationship we'll make won't necessarily last.

I'm sleepy now. Hopefully everything will go well tomorrow.

As busy as a bee

I find my brain so terribly masochistic. I got a dream about Prince yesterday and I completely forgot what happened in the dream but I do know for sure that my hopes got raised up high in that dream so that when I woke up in real life they came crashing back down.

It is pretty surprising though that I got that dream of him yesterday when I wasn't even thinking about him a lot yesterday since I was busy as hell, helping out at the exhibition... As a bride.

Oh gosh, the sheer embarrassment of having to sit down on a chair on stage with a fake as hell smile and do nothing is absolutely painful.

But there are tiny perks here and there (people saying 'sayonara' and 'konichiwa' to me because they think I'm Japanese, kids thinking I'm a princess, people calling me pretty; which to be honest I don't mind but I do know they're lying).

But this blog is about guys (more or less) so I will skip all of the events regarding those situations and go on to the apparently more "important topics".

Maybe it's just because of the thick make-up (concealing bad skin and eye bags), or the pink outfit, or the heels, or the hair but people kept looking at me, Asian guys in particular.

Our performance group was passing by the stall representing China when I happened to look at a couple of guys there and I noticed that one guy was staring at me like I was some kind of ghost or something (probably a right assumption there) and then he said something to his other friends and they began to turn around and look at me. I gave them another glance and then our group left.

So on that occasion, I thought I got their attention because of my heels and pink dress and I immediately squashed my hopes using that.

When we finally reached our stall, I changed after a few minutes so that I could go and walk around with one of my friends (I was the youngest volunteer there, the next youngest one being 32) and then I went out of the changing room and I waited around for her and that was when I noticed that the Chinese lion dance group was sitting at one of the tables at the mess hall in front of us.

I was about to avert my gaze when I noticed that a guy was looking at me and again he said something to his friend and his friend turned in my direction and looked as well. Surprisingly, they kept looking for a long time, longer than I expected, and they still kept looking after my friend and I left.

So on that occasion, I think that I got their attention because I still had my make-up on.

Oh the shock they'll get when they see how I really go about in real life. They'll probably leave me  within 10 seconds.

The big surprise here is that I don't feel flattered by this, rather a bit sad.

Why?

Because it further confirms that Prince had no interest in me because he never looked at me in that way and for the rest of evening, that was one of the few things that remained in my mind.

I'm scared that I'll see him there and how I'll react if I do.

I kept imagining that he's in the crowd, worst yet if he's with his girlfriend.

I'm sure as hell that my reaction will be priceless.

I do find that I can get attracted to people quite easily (my 17-year-old Italian fake spouse for example) as long as I think of them several times but somehow I just can't allow myself to do so at the moment.

Nevertheless, I'm going to sleep now and then I'll wake up early to do some Math exercises hopefully.

Slowly reverting

I kind of feel like things are slowly starting to go back to how they used to be between Prince and I and I am quite happy with that.

For one, he sat in front of Yu and I today and I got to be near him on several occasions when the professor was doing the reviews today. He and Carl also stayed back a bit after class ended to discuss things so in that room there was only them, Yu and I, and two other people.

Yu and I wanted to leave for lunch first but we decided to go and sit with the other two people, one guy of which is Prince's friend, and as Prince and Carl was about to leave, they came by that table to say bye and at that moment we made eye-contact as we said "Ciao".

And when I mean eye-contact, I mean the kind of eye-contact that we used to exchange, the one with some kind of weird aura and tension but as soon as I said "Ciao" and held his gaze for one second, I looked away and he walked out of the classroom.

I do think that Carl is getting over me as well which is good. I didn't even look in his direction when he left.

In fact, I pretty much felt like I was trying to vie for his attention or that I was trying to get a glimpse of him most of the time which is really sad actually.

And that's when I realised that my feelings for him are just too deep, so deep that I can't dig it back out.

For the most part, I really don't think that I am capable of falling for anyone at the moment (obviously) and in the long run; and by long run I mean probably a couple of months, years maybe, who knows?

I'm not sure how deep these feelings are for him because for all I know they are just a temporary facade that I think will last for a long time.

I will have to go soon for a dinner with my friends and I'm Skyping with June at the moment as well.

Ah well, I wonder where life will lead me in the coming days.

P.S. I had a weird dream this morning about Prince writing a post on my Facebook wall saying something like "I'll try to love you" and for a minute I really thought that it was real but when I woke up I knew it wasn't. I felt really shocked somehow because it was the first time that I've ever actually dreamt that the guy I liked (in my dream or in reality) used the word 'love'. Oh reality, you're such a bubble breaker. But today was a nice day anyway hahaha.

Shaking

I talked to one of my flatmates for a long time today and it was the first time I did and I noticed that her hands were shaking a lot when she was talking with me which reminded me about how Prince was shaking when he first spoke to me. Am I really that scary to talk to? Or were they just nervous?

I'm slowly getting better but those waves of regret hit every now and then. Going to get pretty busy soon so maybe I'll have less time to think of him.

On another note, Carl didn't do much last night but I somehow think that the guys at the table last night knows that Carl likes me. I get the shudders somehow and not in a good way.

I also met another girl who told me that she too has never been in a relationship before and it kind of made me feel better especially since she's a bit older than me.

I was also a bit tipsy last night and I almost messaged Prince on Facebook but luckily I didn't and I have no idea what miracle enabled me to do so. I have decided though to talk with him given the chance but for sure I'll definitely take it more slowly this time.

P.S. I finally figured out why this time's a bit more harder to let go then the previous one. I'm reading The Absolutist by John Boyne currently (in some ways, a bit similar to Brokeback Mountain and I didn't expect it to be that way actually hahaha) and in that story, the main character and one of the supporting ones made a connection from the beginning and in some ways, I do believe that I did made a connection with Prince. It's probably lost in a tangle of wires at the moment but hopefully I'll be able to find it again.

The letter that will never reach you

First and foremost, I am truly sorry and I apologise for anything I type after this. Allow me to be a freaking selfish and pitiful pig that's still growing up and knows no better even though I pretty much am sure I'm going to regret typing all of it out.

Dear Prince,

I have no freaking idea why I freaking like you so so so much that I find myself unable to programme normally because you used to be the only thing in my mind and somehow, you became the goal that I strove to reach.

When I learnt that you have a girlfriend, a recent one at that, I became really devastated and I pretty much believe that it's even more worse compared to the time that I liked Law.

I just learnt to hide this emptiness better.

I can't even believe the things I still want to do.

I still want to approach you. To talk to you. To become closer to you.

To stubbornly refuse to give you up and to give up this feeling that I have for you.

Oh, and did I mention that I get so freaking, annoyingly jealous of Acia because you are so much more closer to her and I don't even have the right to do so. If anything, it's my fault for not having approached you first last year.

And the time when we talked? Yeah, I missed out on so many things to say. Why the hell was I such a bad conversationalist then? Not like I'm a master or anything at the moment but I only just recently started learning how to make a good conversation and I freaking regret not having done so earlier so that maybe I could've still held your interest.

In fact, I went against my own guts when talking with you and I bet if I had only listened to my intuition, we would have been at least more closer than what ever strained relationship we have now.

Why the hell did I rush things??? Why do I get so excited so easily over the smallest things????????????

Tell me, do you hate me? Would you hate me even more if I attempted to talk with you? Do you even think of me, even the slightest bit?

I bet you don't give a single damn about anything that's related to me.

I bet you freaking regret making contact with a freak like me.

And I freaking hate the fact that I care too much about what you think of me.

I don't even know why I think you're the perfect guy despite knowing the fact that you're only human, a human who is sure to err and to bend to the temptation of sin.

Let me go ahead and say that I have imagined holding your hand. Imagined my fingers running through your black hair before they trace your jaw and cheekbones. Imagined an embrace so close that it'll be impossible to tell who's body's warmth belongs to who.

Imagined winter dates where we'll walk side by side, not necessarily holding hands, but enveloped in a comfortable silence, a world of our own.

Imagined looking deep into your eyes and doing nothing else but.

The truth? I think you're the sexiest guy I have ever met in real life. Red doesn't have a patch on you.

Who is this wonderfully lucky girl that got the privilege to be cherished by you???

If things don't go too well with her, will you ever consider me?

Yeah, I apologise for pursuing you. It's more masculine than feminine and I bet it freaking looks desperate but I seriously can't control that part of me too well. Blame my late puberty.

I tried writing out a short story about my feelings for you but I just couldn't bring myself to make a happy ending since I already know the actual truth of reality.

I can no longer sleep normally. I can't think straight. Nothing is arranged chronologically in my mind and the days pass by as if I were in a coma.

I'm so tired of having these thoughts running constantly through my mind and I wish I had the will to make it stop but I just can't find myself doing so.

Please... Please... Please give me a chance to become your friend once again. I'm sorry I screwed up.

Truly,
Me.

Skirts

Boy do I have a heck load of assignments to finish! In fact, I shouldn't even be on here but I want to update this blog since I won't be here for the next three days since I'll be in Switzerland and Liechtenstein for our class trip. I really do hope Prince and I will be able to become more friendlier and more comfortable with each other.

I went to class very early today because I wanted to do a wire transfer before going to class but I couldn't because it can only be done online (which I am slightly panicking about now since I don't have a specific card that I really need now).

I wore a very nice outfit today, one that I had planned to wear to class since December (sad I know right?). It consists of a cream white cardigan, a black top, a short white skirt with gold flowers on it and grey tights along with my old Converses.

And yes, I felt pretty good about my appearance today and my confidence got a little boost from Xia because she said I looked very sweet today.

I was the first one in class and I began reading some Physics notes which I need for one of my assignments and somehow I caught myself thinking "What if Prince doesn't come today? It'll be such a waste for a good outfit!" and I am really not the type of girl who normally thinks like that. All I wanted was for him to see me looking good.

Much to my surprise, he came very early, earlier than Yu and Xia even. I think he was third person to enter the classroom and at first he sat in front of me, his usual seat but then he moved far away.

And immediately I felt really sad and depressed and tired, like the all-nighter I did last night went to waste.

You can 100% bet that my spirits immediately sank and I began thinking that he really hated me and was avoiding me.

During the break, I really did want to go talk with him, especially since Carl wasn't there, but I just couldn't so I hung out around Tia instead who was sitting quite near him.

My mood got worse when I saw him talking a lot with Carl and I just felt really mad with myself.

For that whole morning, I really felt like there was a really bad energy between us. We didn't even make eye-contact when we each had to present our idea for our project in class which is odd since we almost always do.

It was as though there was something between us and I don't know about him but I was aware of it.

Like when we standing across each other, we sometimes copied each other's movements and I really felt that he glanced my way once or twice but we were kind of wary of each other.

By lunch break I couldn't stand it anymore. I was being so pitiful with myself and that was when I realised that I was just as foolish as those manga heroines that I always curse since they don't attempt to clear up the situation so I decided that I wanted to talk with him.

So I stood up and walked over to his place (Carl had already gone home and Prince was taking his time to pack up) and I asked him if he was going home already and he said no and we talked for awhile about the lecture that afternoon and I felt like my English was becoming slightly less formal and he was relaxing as well.

He smiled a lot and we even kind of made a small joke and I sure am pretty obvious now because when he said that he was coming back later I said to him "See you later!" before I left him standing there, most probably dumbstruck by how obvious I am being.

I really observed him while I was being depressed though and I kept thinking: "Why the hell did I fall for him?" He isn't very hot and he isn't a very good speaker but something in him just attracts me somehow because I feel like he is kind of like the guy version of myself.

You see, the only reason why I actually dared to go and talk to him during the lunch break is because he looked at Yu and I's drawing as he was re-entering the classroom (I was sitting right in front of the class next to the door) and it was obvious that he was looking so when that happened I couldn't help but smile and sigh in relief. If it was me, I think I would've done the same to show someone that I don't hate them. Assuming he doesn't hate me that is.

So after lunch break I really wanted to go over and talk to him because he was alone (he and Acia really don't talk a lot anymore) but I couldn't since I was already talking with some other people so I kept waiting and by the time I had the courage to, Carl was back and I didn't want to go there anymore. Carl shaved his hair off by the way.

After that, everyone left just looked at drawings and when I finally felt brave enough (because there were so few people there) I stood next to him but after that I had to go since Yu was calling me.

Yu and I had to go out though while another group was presenting their project to discuss ours and I was really a bit disappointed cause I wanted to talk with Prince, I really did.

Carl came out of the room while Yu and I were talking and he glanced our way and my heart cheered that he was going home without Prince but no, he just had to turn back after walking down the hall and he walked back inside the classroom and then he came out with Prince and he said "Good bye, Beth" and Prince mumbled something but honestly, need I say who I was actually looking at?

I said "Good bye, guys! See you tomorrow!" and at that point both of them turned around, Carl a major turn while Prince did a minor one.

However, I only looked at Prince and yet again, he had the uncertain look on his face although he was smiling slightly. I don't know, maybe he was expecting me to talk with him, I just don't know.

I hope that I'll get to sit somewhere near him on the bus tomorrow. :)

That's it for now, I have to go take a shower and get right into drawing!!!!!

Busy busy busy. But I sure am progressing and hopefully in the right way.

I would like to think that we have some kind of secret bond that only the both of us know but that is just wishful thinking.

P.S. I can't believe I missed out this part. And it's the title of my blog post as well haih... But anyway, due to the fact that I was wearing a skirt and tights, people (guys, generally) kept on looking at my legs and I don't know if that is because they look good or if they're just thick but it felt reassuring to know that I can get people's attention with the outfit I'm wearing.

The important part here is that I know that even though Prince cares about his looks and style, he is definitely not gay.

How?

At the beginning of the lunch break, while the professor was talking with some girls about their models, I had to go over to the professor to ask some questions and Prince and Carl were both approaching the professor as well.

I think it's because it's the first time that he's ever seen me in anything else but jeans and skinnies so when I stood next to the professor, awaiting my turn impatiently while fidgeting my leg up and down, I saw from the corner of my eyes that as Prince was approaching, his eyes looked down and he looked at my legs. For quite some time. So I shifted my legs and turned my head and he quickly looked away.

The fact that he looked doesn't really gross me out somehow. Maybe it's cause it's him. Maybe it's because the way that he was looking at them wasn't like the gaze of a molester, more like someone in shock.

Yeah, I sound so full of myself right now and I hate it but I'm just typing out the truth. And now I really got to get moving.