Madness

Yes, due to several other contributing factors, I know that I am not in a right state of mind now.

Yes, I can still think and I know how to prioritise but I just can't organise my mind properly and to actually commit to them and act on the things I really need to do and I actually enjoy doing some of those things but I just can't. I can't do that right now.

And the big question here is: Why?

And the most simple and yet aggravating answer is: Him.

Guess what, ladies and gentlemen? I had another dream about him last night.

I have no idea this time, not much recollection that is, of what I dreamt about but all I remember is hearing his name and seeing his name everywhere.

I just might be schizophrenic now.

And I think I know the solution to this problem. It's to talk with him.

However, I am scared I might get rejected and then this problem will get even worse.

Or he will be nice to me and then this problem will get even more worse which is really one of the many worst case scenarios that I can imagine right now.

This is why parents should allow their daughters to hang around guys from a young age so that when they start to develop feelings for the opposite sex, they won't be as messed up and as nerve-wrecking as me.

I don't have any guy friends that are close with me. In fact, I do believe that all the guys are wary of me and I have no idea why. It must be me. What the hell am I doing wrong and how can I fix this???

You have no idea how tempted I am to just chat him up on Facebook but then again, I wouldn't know what to say to him cause I have no idea how to make a move towards being more than just classroom friends.

This is bad. This is serious. And I have no idea where I'm heading to or what I'm doing.

A friendship needs cooperation and effort from both sides. Maybe guys just don't want to be my friend.

And at this point, maybe I should just be a lesbian since I find talking with girls more easily and I bet I could even have enough charm to make a girl become my girlfriend.

But deep deep deep down inside, I don't want that. I really don't.

I want a guy.

And at this moment, I want one specific guy who probably doesn't even think about me except for the times when we see each other.

Why has all my love interest only been one sided?

When will it ever be both sided?

I cannot stand the way that I'm thinking now.

If I really get super crazy by the end of today and if I really cannot stand it any longer, you'll know that I'd have done something so stupid that will teach me a good lesson and that will probably scar me for life.

Or I might just chicken out and rock myself to sleep in a corner.

Why the hell am I so shy around guys I like???????????????

Over the moon and then down in the dumps

Today our school held a talent show with the objective to showcase our students and lecturers talents as well as to break the ice between the students even more.


Our group got 2nd place and honestly, I was a bit shocked cause we only really started to practice seriously last night.


And we only practiced for two hours. Really.


I kept glancing at Law who stood quite close by although I don't know why.


It's not like he'll suddenly look at me or anything.


Anyway...


Before I go on, I'll just write down a bit about what happened to me just a few seconds ago.


My mom was looking at me, typing away, when she asked me why I wasn't studying as hard as used to last time.


I can't blame her for wondering but honestly, doesn't she care about anything else other than me and my studies?


It's really good that she's expressing and stressing such great concern but I would like her to know that the only reason why I type things out in this blog is because I can't really tell anyone here how I honestly feel without any fear whatsoever.


One of the reasons why I attend all kinds of practice is to meet new people and who knows, I'll get to find "the friend".


Maybe she's feeling this way because she likes being a loner?


But then again, it's not like she's never experienced what I'm experiencing now.


I'm quite sure she went out a lot when she went to college.


I'm not going to dwell too much on this though cause this blog isn't supposed to be related to problems like this but I'm not  exactly in the mood to open up my other blog and type in there too.


Okay, back to the main point. :)


Law had to keep going back in and out cause he was on duty but his duty didn't require him to do much so he could basically do anything he liked.


Like when other people were performing and if he was bored, he just went out of the hall.


There were a couple of occasions where I bumped into him and it was slightly awkward I guess.


It's probably because of the text I sent him yesterday.


But when our group performed, he actually stayed to watch. :)


It's not like I was on stage or anything (I was working backstage) but knowing that he stayed to watch our group made me feel slightly excited.


At times, I felt like he purposely stood in places so that I could look at him.


But then again, it's just my thoughts.


I will do my club work tomorrow and now I must go study so that my mom won't be so worried about me academically.


Amazing how I can feel so high up and happy one day and then get all down and soggy the next.


I must stick to my new year resolutions.