I was all set to wish him "Happy Birthday Prince!" but I was stuck with a heck lot of drawing and he looked really busy. I also didn't want to just go up to him because Carl was there as well and he's starting to be really obvious now and at one point I snapped at him but it wasn't intentional, really. I just had a lot of work to do and I actually still do but today's news is by far the most important one yet.
Anyway, going in chronological order here, Prince and Carl left so I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to wish him so I Facebook messaged him but surprise surprise he came back alone and sat behind Yu and I but I just concentrated on my work.
So here comes the important news.
As I was packing up to leave, Yu said to me in an ever so cheerful voice "I have something to tell you about Prince."
I said "What?"
And somehow, I just knew bad news was going to come spewing out from her mouth.
"He has a girlfriend."
Surprisingly, I don't feel as devastated as when I found out that Law likes someone else but you can bet your guts that I have no form of motivation left to keep me going.
I am crying silent and invisible tears.
I am trying to shed real ones but they just can't come out and I am now trying to stand this pain that is choking me blue.
I can't believe it. I really, freaking, can't believe it.
This has been the third time already.
In all cases, the guy I like already has someone in their hearts and in all cases as well, guys I don't have any interest in takes an interest in me.
Funny right?
Is this some kind of a curse??? I thought number 3 was the magic number.
I don't get why Yu was so cheerful about it either. She definitely did not notice the sudden loss of spirit in me.
One thing for sure is that I really have good taste in guys. Why do I say that? Because none of them ever confronted me directly and rejected me straight out.
Also, all three of them have fans.
Why didn't I suspect this sooner????
Prince is really the whole package, looks, intelligence and good-natured. Why wouldn't he have a girlfriend? Especially since he's already 22.
I honestly feel like I'm on autopilot now. That everything I'll do now for about three months will be done by an empty me.
In fact, I actually believe that the news hasn't properly sunk into my brain yet.
Wow I really look calm now, like someone who's just typing away at some essay. You wouldn't be able to tell how much I want to scream out now by looking at me.
I cannot think clearly now. I just hope that I will be able to move on slowly.
Surprisingly, now I feel like I can talk to him more comfortably now and I feel less scared of approaching him. I still want to be his friend though.
Is that what you call mature? Trying to get over a crush even though it really hurts?
I don't know.
And my irrational brain still wants to talk with him but I will definitely keep to the friendship territory. Not like I'm hot enough to be a candidate or anything that can entice him but I don't want to make him bear the burden of me liking him. I do think that it is a burden when you like someone and they don't feel the same way.
This post didn't turn out as dramatic as I thought it would be. Oh well. I guess it's cause I'm really tired.
Showing posts with label empty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empty. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Grey sky and blue clouds
Where do I start and how do I begin this sad pathetic tale which will humour you to no ends?
Even as I type now, I still feel my fingers shaking and the blood pounding through my fingertips, as if not allowing me to forget.
Well, let's just start from the beginning of the journey to Switzerland, when I was still all flushed with happiness.
I got up late for one, and I really intended to wake up early to continue drawing but my body was too tired from the previous all-nighter so it managed to make me deaf to the alarms I set in my phone. So Xia and I ran through the early morning rain, fearing that the bus would've left us already but we managed to get there on time. Some people came later than us in fact.
The first thing I did when I reached there was to ask Carl whether or not any attendance had to be taken and he didn't answer fast enough so I straightaway went to ask one of the professors instead and I was all out of breath and Prince was right there, looking at me like I was some kind of idiot, a smile on his face. We boarded the bus after that and no, I didn't get to sit with him at any point during the trip. I sat close to Acia instead, lo and behold, and I even managed to talk with her and she's really nice.
We made a quick stop at one of those bus stops that has a supermarket and a cafe and I wanted to go talk to him but I have no idea why I was so scared to. I just couldn't bring myself to even though he was alone at one point. I highly, highly regret that now.
So at our first stop for viewing the buildings, we got a bit lost so we had to walk 2 kilometres to Yu and I's building and on the way there, I said to Prince "Hey, are you buying anything at the supermarket?" and he said no and he proceeded to ask me about what model my camera was because he forgot to bring his battery.
And it must've really sucked, not being able to take any pictures at all throughout the journey. I bet he was quite depressed because of that. He has a Canon 350D while mine's a Canon 600D so I really couldn't help out.
We were quite near each other when we were visiting his building and yeah, in a most painfully sad way, by taking a photo of the window of that house, I got two of our only pictures together but that was really accidental. I only realised that after I was going through all the photos.
Okay, I honestly want to cry now but I have to go through all of this chronologically. I hope you guys are enjoying this and I bet you guys are.
After that we went to the Liechtenstein Art Museum and for some reason, both of us were going at the same pace so we were almost always together and though it was intentional at some points, it wasn't always intentional. At one part when we entered the same room from different entrances, we looked at each other and again the same look of shock registered on his face.
Moving on, we went to Peter Zumthor's Kunsthaus Bregenz and even went to visit his exhibition in the building next to it. While we were in the first building, both of us and a bunch of people entered the lift at the top to get down but for some reason the lift didn't want to close and when I got out, it finally did and I saw him smile at me jokingly so I just took the stairs down instead.
I walked together with him and Carl and some other guys while we tried to catch up with the other group since we were at the building for a long time and Carl tried to talk with me but I just made it look like I thought he was talking with the other guys and I think I overheard Prince say something like "She's not talking with you." or something like that.
We went to the first hostel after that where he sat behind me as we ate dinner and after that we were divided into rooms and in a room for 6, I shared it with one of his guy friends, Yu, Xia and two other Chinese girls. The 6 of us and two other guys went out to see the city together while he went out with another group and we bumped into them several times in the small city but we never went together.
When we got back, I took a shower and then went to the reception room because, yes, I wanted to wait up for him even though I was sleepy so when they finally arrived and was asking why I was there, I said that I needed to write stuff and I needed the wifi because the connection sucked in my room (which is both true because I badly wanted to blog about that day since I was so freaking happy but I didn't have my laptop), then they all dispersed but Prince and Acia and another girl stayed to talk with a guy who spoke Serbian but they all left after that.
And I stayed there, regretting stuff and listening to music, the lights going on and off since it will only stay on for a couple of minutes, just staring off into space.
And that was when Prince suddenly came up and he sat beside me and we exchanged small talk but he was mainly Whatsapping people while I was just there in my hoodie, not knowing what to do. The lights kept turning off and I just kept turning them back on.
And blame me for thinking that it was a sign that he was interested, really, I don't mind. It's cause at one point he actually got up to close the door to the first floor, saying that it would be better or something like that.
Now please tell me why he did that.
And I just realised another thing. There were other seats in the room but he sat next to me. Why?
If he only wanted to Whatsapp in private, he could've gone to the other seats. Or maybe he just didn't notice them.
He left after 15 minutes or so anyway. He said he was waiting for others because he was holding the key but since they weren't showing up, he figured he should go sleep.
We were practically sitting in silence for 15 minutes. The atmosphere was odd.
The next day, while we were visiting Christian Kerez's Leutschenbach School, we were again almost always together throughout the tour of the school and yet again, we didn't speak to each other, as if what happened the night before didn't happen.
We also went to two other museums but unlike the first day, I didn't spend much time around him.
During the lunch break though, when we all went to buy stuff at a supermarket for lunch, I shamelessly took a candid photo of him where he looked a surprised and was smiling slightly. He looks really cute in it hahahaha. I took other candid photos of people to cover up though. Lame, I know.
Even when we went out at night, we were in different groups, me being with Xia and Yu and a couple of other Chinese people. He was hanging out with other Chinese people too but he didn't go to the bar to socialise with the professors, which I did because I thought he was going to be there, but when I realised that he wasn't coming, I decided to go back.
I saw him again that night but there were a lot of people there this time and I couldn't talk with him alone even though I really wanted to so badly. He was laughing around with Acia and when that happened, I just got an uneasy feeling.
Today was the last day.
We went to three places today of which we were at times together again.
Oh, totally out of the topic but he is definitely close with Acia since she could touch him on the arm and his shoulders.
Anyway, when we took a group photo, I stood behind him.
Okay, now that those parts are all over with, I'll get to the most important part of today.
We stopped for lunch on our way back to Milan and while everyone else went to eat, I noticed that he didn't and that he went outside instead. I guess he really is trying to save money.
So I hurried through lunch and I went out to take photos with Xia and we ended up at the river and I was hoping to meet him there and we did.
Xia and I began trying to skip stones and soon after, he also copied us.
And I just had to get oh-so-excited and say "WOW" and be all stupid and stuff and I bet I was extremely annoying.
And that was when I tapped him on his shoulder and asked if he would take a picture with me.
Hang on, I want to find back the page that I wrote our exact conversation in my sketchbook so that I can remind myself of that extremely pathetic moment.
"Prince, can you take a picture with me?"
"Sorry, no, not now."
I have no idea how I reacted at that split second moment but I did my best to regain my composure and said "Oh, okay" or something like that and then I proceeded to be like an idiot and said to Xia "Let's go find the waterfall!" which Prince said to me "Is there a waterfall there?" and I said "There's the sound of it coming from that side" to which he said "It's just a stream."
The longest back-to-back conversation we had in three days. Brava Beth, brava.
I kept a rock as a memento of that event and because I finally managed to skim a stone after years of never having been able to succeed at it but which I could only do after watching him and then getting rejected by him. We had to go back to the bus anyway after that and I stopped ogling him, which I always did since I sit behind me. He only sat behind me once, to sit with his friend that I shared a room with and which I got quite close to.
I didn't feel anything throughout that entire bus ride back, just a still emptiness. While he stayed up watching a movie, I did my best to go to sleep.
Rejection should feel that way right?
Even as we got off the bus, I didn't dare to look at him as I passed by his seat which was near the exit door and even when we were outside and he was standing beside me, I couldn't bear to look at him, partly because I felt so embarrassed and humiliated but also because I felt like crying so I did my best to smile and whatnot.
So here I am, back at my room, wasting an hour just to type all of this out.
Hell yeah this is painful. I feel it running through me, shaking me ever so sightly.
Please, please, please, let me be able to cry this out.
I remember that first night, when he came to sit next to me while I was listening to music, CNBLUE's Rain of Blessing. He said "So loud" in a friendly manner.
Heck yeah, now that ruins one of my favourite songs. It will now always remind me of that night that I didn't talk to him as much as I could.
The tears can't come out no matter how much I will them to.
My mind just keeps on getting more and more out of order and it's not helping that this laptop is being slow with me.
I want to yell all of this out. I want to scream. I want to forget.
But at the same time, I don't want to either.
Wow, the third rejection, only 9 months after the second one.
And I hate myself even more now because I still want to talk with him and seriously Beth, what good will come out of that? You're such an idiot you know?
Why the hell do you fall for guys you barely know so fast???????
Heck yeah I'm humiliated and embarrassed. I don't want to tell this to anyone and the only person who knows at this moment is Xia and the only reason why she knows is because she offered to take a photo of Prince and I but I told her what Prince told me. She told me not to worry about it and to be happy and I will try, honestly, but knowing me, I'll be stuck in this depression for goodness knows how long.
I will wish him 'Happy Birthday'' on his birthday but other than that, I will definitely not approach him.
On the other hand, Carl kept on trying to approach me but whenever he stood next to me or was about to walk towards me, I walked away.
Prince is definitely more nicer than me because he never did move away whenever I was next to him. God always makes me fall for nice guys and I am thankful for that.
And just so you know, I don't like Carl's character at all and I can tell what kind of guy he is, a guy with no sense of independence and likes to drink. I got all of that from the socialiising at the bar last night where he kept on looking in my direction but I just concentrated on talking with another lecturer.
I will stop this rant for now. I need to work.
But I really want to talk with someone.
I'm so sorry for troubling you and for annoying you this whole time. I was really selfish and not thinking about how you were feeling at all. I bet something happened to you, something really sad, and I did nothing but just add fuel to the fire. I'm so sorry. I won't trouble you again.
Even as I type now, I still feel my fingers shaking and the blood pounding through my fingertips, as if not allowing me to forget.
Well, let's just start from the beginning of the journey to Switzerland, when I was still all flushed with happiness.
I got up late for one, and I really intended to wake up early to continue drawing but my body was too tired from the previous all-nighter so it managed to make me deaf to the alarms I set in my phone. So Xia and I ran through the early morning rain, fearing that the bus would've left us already but we managed to get there on time. Some people came later than us in fact.
The first thing I did when I reached there was to ask Carl whether or not any attendance had to be taken and he didn't answer fast enough so I straightaway went to ask one of the professors instead and I was all out of breath and Prince was right there, looking at me like I was some kind of idiot, a smile on his face. We boarded the bus after that and no, I didn't get to sit with him at any point during the trip. I sat close to Acia instead, lo and behold, and I even managed to talk with her and she's really nice.
We made a quick stop at one of those bus stops that has a supermarket and a cafe and I wanted to go talk to him but I have no idea why I was so scared to. I just couldn't bring myself to even though he was alone at one point. I highly, highly regret that now.
So at our first stop for viewing the buildings, we got a bit lost so we had to walk 2 kilometres to Yu and I's building and on the way there, I said to Prince "Hey, are you buying anything at the supermarket?" and he said no and he proceeded to ask me about what model my camera was because he forgot to bring his battery.
And it must've really sucked, not being able to take any pictures at all throughout the journey. I bet he was quite depressed because of that. He has a Canon 350D while mine's a Canon 600D so I really couldn't help out.
We were quite near each other when we were visiting his building and yeah, in a most painfully sad way, by taking a photo of the window of that house, I got two of our only pictures together but that was really accidental. I only realised that after I was going through all the photos.
Okay, I honestly want to cry now but I have to go through all of this chronologically. I hope you guys are enjoying this and I bet you guys are.
After that we went to the Liechtenstein Art Museum and for some reason, both of us were going at the same pace so we were almost always together and though it was intentional at some points, it wasn't always intentional. At one part when we entered the same room from different entrances, we looked at each other and again the same look of shock registered on his face.
Moving on, we went to Peter Zumthor's Kunsthaus Bregenz and even went to visit his exhibition in the building next to it. While we were in the first building, both of us and a bunch of people entered the lift at the top to get down but for some reason the lift didn't want to close and when I got out, it finally did and I saw him smile at me jokingly so I just took the stairs down instead.
I walked together with him and Carl and some other guys while we tried to catch up with the other group since we were at the building for a long time and Carl tried to talk with me but I just made it look like I thought he was talking with the other guys and I think I overheard Prince say something like "She's not talking with you." or something like that.
We went to the first hostel after that where he sat behind me as we ate dinner and after that we were divided into rooms and in a room for 6, I shared it with one of his guy friends, Yu, Xia and two other Chinese girls. The 6 of us and two other guys went out to see the city together while he went out with another group and we bumped into them several times in the small city but we never went together.
When we got back, I took a shower and then went to the reception room because, yes, I wanted to wait up for him even though I was sleepy so when they finally arrived and was asking why I was there, I said that I needed to write stuff and I needed the wifi because the connection sucked in my room (which is both true because I badly wanted to blog about that day since I was so freaking happy but I didn't have my laptop), then they all dispersed but Prince and Acia and another girl stayed to talk with a guy who spoke Serbian but they all left after that.
And I stayed there, regretting stuff and listening to music, the lights going on and off since it will only stay on for a couple of minutes, just staring off into space.
And that was when Prince suddenly came up and he sat beside me and we exchanged small talk but he was mainly Whatsapping people while I was just there in my hoodie, not knowing what to do. The lights kept turning off and I just kept turning them back on.
And blame me for thinking that it was a sign that he was interested, really, I don't mind. It's cause at one point he actually got up to close the door to the first floor, saying that it would be better or something like that.
Now please tell me why he did that.
And I just realised another thing. There were other seats in the room but he sat next to me. Why?
If he only wanted to Whatsapp in private, he could've gone to the other seats. Or maybe he just didn't notice them.
He left after 15 minutes or so anyway. He said he was waiting for others because he was holding the key but since they weren't showing up, he figured he should go sleep.
We were practically sitting in silence for 15 minutes. The atmosphere was odd.
The next day, while we were visiting Christian Kerez's Leutschenbach School, we were again almost always together throughout the tour of the school and yet again, we didn't speak to each other, as if what happened the night before didn't happen.
We also went to two other museums but unlike the first day, I didn't spend much time around him.
During the lunch break though, when we all went to buy stuff at a supermarket for lunch, I shamelessly took a candid photo of him where he looked a surprised and was smiling slightly. He looks really cute in it hahahaha. I took other candid photos of people to cover up though. Lame, I know.
Even when we went out at night, we were in different groups, me being with Xia and Yu and a couple of other Chinese people. He was hanging out with other Chinese people too but he didn't go to the bar to socialise with the professors, which I did because I thought he was going to be there, but when I realised that he wasn't coming, I decided to go back.
I saw him again that night but there were a lot of people there this time and I couldn't talk with him alone even though I really wanted to so badly. He was laughing around with Acia and when that happened, I just got an uneasy feeling.
Today was the last day.
We went to three places today of which we were at times together again.
Oh, totally out of the topic but he is definitely close with Acia since she could touch him on the arm and his shoulders.
Anyway, when we took a group photo, I stood behind him.
Okay, now that those parts are all over with, I'll get to the most important part of today.
We stopped for lunch on our way back to Milan and while everyone else went to eat, I noticed that he didn't and that he went outside instead. I guess he really is trying to save money.
So I hurried through lunch and I went out to take photos with Xia and we ended up at the river and I was hoping to meet him there and we did.
Xia and I began trying to skip stones and soon after, he also copied us.
And I just had to get oh-so-excited and say "WOW" and be all stupid and stuff and I bet I was extremely annoying.
And that was when I tapped him on his shoulder and asked if he would take a picture with me.
Hang on, I want to find back the page that I wrote our exact conversation in my sketchbook so that I can remind myself of that extremely pathetic moment.
"Prince, can you take a picture with me?"
"Sorry, no, not now."
I have no idea how I reacted at that split second moment but I did my best to regain my composure and said "Oh, okay" or something like that and then I proceeded to be like an idiot and said to Xia "Let's go find the waterfall!" which Prince said to me "Is there a waterfall there?" and I said "There's the sound of it coming from that side" to which he said "It's just a stream."
The longest back-to-back conversation we had in three days. Brava Beth, brava.
I kept a rock as a memento of that event and because I finally managed to skim a stone after years of never having been able to succeed at it but which I could only do after watching him and then getting rejected by him. We had to go back to the bus anyway after that and I stopped ogling him, which I always did since I sit behind me. He only sat behind me once, to sit with his friend that I shared a room with and which I got quite close to.
I didn't feel anything throughout that entire bus ride back, just a still emptiness. While he stayed up watching a movie, I did my best to go to sleep.
Rejection should feel that way right?
Even as we got off the bus, I didn't dare to look at him as I passed by his seat which was near the exit door and even when we were outside and he was standing beside me, I couldn't bear to look at him, partly because I felt so embarrassed and humiliated but also because I felt like crying so I did my best to smile and whatnot.
So here I am, back at my room, wasting an hour just to type all of this out.
Hell yeah this is painful. I feel it running through me, shaking me ever so sightly.
Please, please, please, let me be able to cry this out.
I remember that first night, when he came to sit next to me while I was listening to music, CNBLUE's Rain of Blessing. He said "So loud" in a friendly manner.
Heck yeah, now that ruins one of my favourite songs. It will now always remind me of that night that I didn't talk to him as much as I could.
The tears can't come out no matter how much I will them to.
My mind just keeps on getting more and more out of order and it's not helping that this laptop is being slow with me.
I want to yell all of this out. I want to scream. I want to forget.
But at the same time, I don't want to either.
Wow, the third rejection, only 9 months after the second one.
And I hate myself even more now because I still want to talk with him and seriously Beth, what good will come out of that? You're such an idiot you know?
Why the hell do you fall for guys you barely know so fast???????
Heck yeah I'm humiliated and embarrassed. I don't want to tell this to anyone and the only person who knows at this moment is Xia and the only reason why she knows is because she offered to take a photo of Prince and I but I told her what Prince told me. She told me not to worry about it and to be happy and I will try, honestly, but knowing me, I'll be stuck in this depression for goodness knows how long.
I will wish him 'Happy Birthday'' on his birthday but other than that, I will definitely not approach him.
On the other hand, Carl kept on trying to approach me but whenever he stood next to me or was about to walk towards me, I walked away.
Prince is definitely more nicer than me because he never did move away whenever I was next to him. God always makes me fall for nice guys and I am thankful for that.
And just so you know, I don't like Carl's character at all and I can tell what kind of guy he is, a guy with no sense of independence and likes to drink. I got all of that from the socialiising at the bar last night where he kept on looking in my direction but I just concentrated on talking with another lecturer.
I will stop this rant for now. I need to work.
But I really want to talk with someone.
I'm so sorry for troubling you and for annoying you this whole time. I was really selfish and not thinking about how you were feeling at all. I bet something happened to you, something really sad, and I did nothing but just add fuel to the fire. I'm so sorry. I won't trouble you again.
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