Out of the blue

I was having my lunch when I got a phone call from one of the friends I made during the exhibition and she asked me if I'd like to hang out with her and her Greek friend and naturally the old me wanted to protest but I found myself croaking out a weak "Yes", partly due to my illness.

Which is why I found myself shopping with the both of them, walking round and round the shops and talking about random stuff.

On a side note, this made me wonder why the heck do girls bring their boyfriend to shop on the basis of wanting to "spend more time together"? I really feel sorry for all those men and I'm thankful that I'm not a shopaholic because then my ideal date wouldn't be one that my boyfriend will despise.

Anyway, let's go back to the main point.

Eventually the topic of guys came up and I more or less admitted that I was interested in Al and the friend was surprised and said that he is a nice guy.

And then she mentioned that she heard that he was interested in another woman who was at the exhibition helping out as well and even though I know that that particular woman is already in a relationship and is way older than him, I couldn't help but hear my heart sink a little. And it doesn't help that she's a model as well.

On a positive note, I feel more inspired to be healthier and prettier but even though I am not that interested in him compared to the other guys I've wrote about, I just felt a bit sad. It's as though all the guys I'm interested in have no interest in me.

I think I also felt disappointed by the fact that I thought that he was interested in me and now I fully suspect that he was just being friendly.

And come on Beth, do you really think that him liking your photo on your Facebook means anything? You're such a fool and you know that and yet you still allow yourself to place your hopes on a freaking shooting star.

But... But... The friend said something that got me thinking.

She also said that he's actually a shy person, well, seems like the type to be a shy person.

So if he is a shy person, why did he add me on Facebook only after knowing me for two days and was all chummy around me? The woman that he is (or was, I don't know) interested in only came on the third and fourth day which I don't know what my point is in bringing that up except maybe that he noticed me. But maybe after that he lost all interest.

Or he just wasn't even interested at all since shy guys tend to be even more shy around people they like.

Or if my theory is right and he is a bit like me, then he should have a bit of interest in me. Oh my brain, you make me laugh.

And this is when I think I should be better off as a lesbian cause one, I talk much more easier to girls and two, I can never get the guy I'm interested in to be interested in me.

It gives me a useless headache just thinking about it.

Why oh why are you just a helplessly desperate romantic???

Anyway, I'll be going out for an aperitif this Wednesday and for a dinner on Friday and as much as I'd like to deny it, I'm hoping to find someone to connect with. Oh man am I such a fail. My calender is actually starting to be less empty and I'm being more sociable but somehow I feel like I'm being pushed more into a dark corner.

Darn it. Where is the flashlight?

Could I just get any more luckier?

I was all set to wish him "Happy Birthday Prince!" but I was stuck with a heck lot of drawing and he looked really busy. I also didn't want to just go up to him because Carl was there as well and he's starting to be really obvious now and at one point I snapped at him but it wasn't intentional, really. I just had a lot of work to do and I actually still do but today's news is by far the most important one yet.

Anyway, going in chronological order here, Prince and Carl left so I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to wish him so I Facebook messaged him but surprise surprise he came back alone and sat behind Yu and I but I just concentrated on my work.

So here comes the important news.

As I was packing up to leave, Yu said to me in an ever so cheerful voice "I have something to tell you about Prince."

I said "What?"

And somehow, I just knew bad news was going to come spewing out from her mouth.

"He has a girlfriend."

Surprisingly, I don't feel as devastated as when I found out that Law likes someone else but you can bet your guts that I have no form of motivation left to keep me going.

I am crying silent and invisible tears.

I am trying to shed real ones but they just can't come out and I am now trying to stand this pain that is choking me blue.

I can't believe it. I really, freaking, can't believe it.

This has been the third time already.

In all cases, the guy I like already has someone in their hearts and in all cases as well, guys I don't have any interest in takes an interest in me.

Funny right?

Is this some kind of a curse??? I thought number 3 was the magic number.

I don't get why Yu was so cheerful about it either. She definitely did not notice the sudden loss of spirit in me.

One thing for sure is that I really have good taste in guys. Why do I say that? Because none of them ever confronted me directly and rejected me straight out.

Also, all three of them have fans.

Why didn't I suspect this sooner????

Prince is really the whole package, looks, intelligence and good-natured. Why wouldn't he have a girlfriend? Especially since he's already 22.

I honestly feel like I'm on autopilot now. That everything I'll do now for about three months will be done by an empty me.

In fact, I actually believe that the news hasn't properly sunk into my brain yet.

Wow I really look calm now, like someone who's just typing away at some essay. You wouldn't be able to tell how much I want to scream out now by looking at me.

I cannot think clearly now. I just hope that I will be able to move on slowly.

Surprisingly, now I feel like I can talk to him more comfortably now and I feel less scared of approaching him. I still want to be his friend though.

Is that what you call mature? Trying to get over a crush even though it really hurts?

I don't know.

And my irrational brain still wants to talk with him but I will definitely keep to the friendship territory. Not like I'm hot enough to be a candidate or anything that can entice him but I don't want to make him bear the burden of me liking him. I do think that it is a burden when you like someone and they don't feel the same way.

This post didn't turn out as dramatic as I thought it would be. Oh well. I guess it's cause I'm really tired.

Grey sky and blue clouds

Where do I start and how do I begin this sad pathetic tale which will humour you to no ends?

Even as I type now, I still feel my fingers shaking and the blood pounding through my fingertips, as if not allowing me to forget.

Well, let's just start from the beginning of the journey to Switzerland, when I was still all flushed with happiness.

I got up late for one, and I really intended to wake up early to continue drawing but my body was too tired from the previous all-nighter so it managed to make me deaf to the alarms I set in my phone. So Xia and I ran through the early morning rain, fearing that the bus would've left us already but we managed to get there on time. Some people came later than us in fact.

The first thing I did when I reached there was to ask Carl whether or not any attendance had to be taken and he didn't answer fast enough so I straightaway went to ask one of the professors instead and I was all out of breath and Prince was right there, looking at me like I was some kind of idiot, a smile on his face. We boarded the bus after that and no, I didn't get to sit with him at any point during the trip. I sat close to Acia instead, lo and behold, and I even managed to talk with her and she's really nice.

We made a quick stop at one of those bus stops that has a supermarket and a cafe and I wanted to go talk to him but I have no idea why I was so scared to. I just couldn't bring myself to even though he was alone at one point. I highly, highly regret that now.

So at our first stop for viewing the buildings, we got a bit lost so we had to walk 2 kilometres to Yu and I's building and on the way there, I said to Prince "Hey, are you buying anything at the supermarket?" and he said no and he proceeded to ask me about what model my camera was because he forgot to bring his battery.

And it must've really sucked, not being able to take any pictures at all throughout the journey. I bet he was quite depressed because of that. He has a Canon 350D while mine's a Canon 600D so I really couldn't help out.

We were quite near each other when we were visiting his building and yeah, in a most painfully sad way, by taking a photo of the window of that house, I got two of our only pictures together but that was really accidental. I only realised that after I was going through all the photos.

Okay, I honestly want to cry now but I have to go through all of this chronologically. I hope you guys are enjoying this and I bet you guys are.

After that we went to the Liechtenstein Art Museum and for some reason, both of us were going at the same pace so we were almost always together and though it was intentional at some points, it wasn't always intentional. At one part when we entered the same room from different entrances, we looked at each other and again the same look of shock registered on his face.

Moving on, we went to Peter Zumthor's Kunsthaus Bregenz and even went to visit his exhibition in the building next to it. While we were in the first building, both of us and  a bunch of people entered the lift at the top to get down but for some reason the lift didn't want to close and when I got out, it finally did and I saw him smile at me jokingly so I just took the stairs down instead.

I walked together with him and Carl and some other guys while we tried to catch up with the other group since we were at the building for a long time and Carl tried to talk with me but I just made it look like I thought he was talking with the other guys and I think I overheard Prince say something like "She's not talking with you." or something like that.

We went to the first hostel after that where he sat behind me as we ate dinner and after that we were divided into rooms and in a room for 6, I shared it with one of his guy friends, Yu, Xia and two other Chinese girls. The 6 of us and two other guys went out to see the city together while he went out with another group and we bumped into them several times in the small city but we never went together.

When we got back, I took a shower and then went to the reception room because, yes, I wanted to wait up for him even though I was sleepy so when they finally arrived  and was asking why I was there, I said that I needed to write stuff and I needed the wifi because the connection sucked in my room (which is both true because I badly wanted to blog about that day since I was so  freaking happy but I didn't have my laptop), then they all dispersed but Prince and Acia and another girl stayed to talk with a guy who spoke Serbian but they all left after that.

And I stayed there, regretting stuff and listening to music, the lights going on and off since it will only stay on for a couple of minutes, just staring off into space.

And that was when Prince suddenly came up and he sat beside me and we exchanged small talk but he was mainly Whatsapping people while I was just there in my hoodie, not knowing what to do. The lights kept turning off and I just kept turning them back on.

And blame me for thinking that it was a sign that he was interested, really, I don't mind. It's cause at one point he actually got up to close the door to the first floor, saying that it would be better or something like that.

Now please tell me why he did that.

And I just realised another thing. There were other seats in the room but he sat next to me. Why?

If he only wanted to Whatsapp in private, he could've gone to the other seats. Or maybe he just didn't notice them.

He left after 15 minutes or so anyway. He said he was waiting for others because he was holding the key but since they weren't showing up, he figured he should go sleep.

We were practically sitting in silence for 15 minutes. The atmosphere was odd.

The next day, while we were visiting Christian Kerez's Leutschenbach School, we were again almost always together throughout the tour of the school and yet again, we didn't speak to each other, as if what happened the night before didn't happen.

We also went to two other museums but unlike the first day, I didn't spend much time around him.

During the lunch break though, when we all went to buy stuff at a supermarket for lunch, I shamelessly took a candid photo of him where he looked a surprised and was smiling slightly. He looks really cute in it hahahaha. I took other candid photos of people to cover up though. Lame, I know.

Even when we went out at night, we were in different groups, me being with Xia and Yu and a couple of other Chinese people. He was hanging out with other Chinese people too but he didn't go to the bar to socialise with the professors, which I did because I thought he was going to be there, but when I realised that he wasn't coming, I decided to go back.

I saw him again that night but there were a lot of people there this time and I couldn't talk with him alone even though I really wanted to so badly. He was laughing around with Acia and when that happened, I just got an uneasy feeling.

Today was the last day.

We went to three places today of which we were at times together again.

Oh, totally out of the topic but he is definitely close with Acia since she could touch him on the arm and his shoulders.

Anyway, when we took a group photo, I stood behind him.

Okay, now that those parts are all over with, I'll get to the most important part of today.

We stopped for lunch on our way back to Milan and while everyone else went to eat, I noticed that he didn't and that he went outside instead. I guess he really is trying to save money.

So I hurried through lunch and I went out to take photos with Xia and we ended up at the river and I was hoping to meet him there and we did.

Xia and I began trying to skip stones and soon after, he also copied us.

And I just had to get oh-so-excited and say "WOW" and be all stupid and stuff and I bet I was extremely annoying.

And that was when I tapped him on his shoulder and asked if he would take a picture with me.

Hang on, I want to find back the page that I wrote our exact conversation in my sketchbook so that I can remind myself of that extremely pathetic moment.

"Prince, can you take a picture with me?"
"Sorry, no, not now."

I have no idea how I reacted at that split second moment but I did my best to regain my composure and said "Oh, okay" or something like that and then I proceeded to be like an idiot and said to Xia "Let's go find the waterfall!" which Prince said to me "Is there a waterfall there?" and I said "There's the sound of it coming from that side" to which he said "It's just a stream."

The longest back-to-back conversation we had in three days. Brava Beth, brava.

I kept a rock as a memento of that event and because I finally managed to skim a stone after years of never having been able to succeed at it but which I could only do after watching him and then getting rejected by him. We had to go back to the bus anyway after that and I stopped ogling him, which I always did since I sit behind me. He only sat behind me once, to sit with his friend that I shared a room with and which I got quite close to.

I didn't feel anything throughout that entire bus ride back, just a still emptiness. While he stayed up watching a movie, I did my best to go to sleep.

Rejection should feel that way right?

Even as we got off the bus, I didn't dare to look at him as I passed by his seat which was near the exit door and even when we were outside and he was standing beside me, I couldn't bear to look at him, partly because I felt so embarrassed and humiliated but also because I felt like crying so I did my best to smile and whatnot.

So here I am, back at my room, wasting an hour just to type all of this out.

Hell yeah this is painful. I feel it running through me, shaking me ever so sightly.

Please, please, please, let me be able to cry this out.

I remember that first night, when he came to sit next to me while I was listening to music, CNBLUE's Rain of Blessing. He said "So loud" in a friendly manner.

Heck yeah, now that ruins one of my favourite songs. It will now always remind me of that night that I didn't talk to him as much as I could.

The tears can't come out no matter how much I will them to.

My mind just keeps on getting more and more out of order and it's not helping that this laptop is being slow with me.

I want to yell all of this out. I want to scream. I want to forget.

But at the same time, I don't want to either.

Wow, the third rejection, only 9 months after the second one.

And I hate myself even more now because I still want to talk with him and seriously Beth, what good will come out of that? You're such an idiot you know?

Why the hell do you fall for guys you barely know so fast???????

Heck yeah I'm humiliated and embarrassed. I don't want to tell this to anyone and the only person who knows at this moment is Xia and the only reason why she knows is because she offered to take a photo of Prince and I but I told her what Prince told me. She told me not to worry about it and to be happy and I will try, honestly, but knowing me, I'll be stuck in this depression for goodness knows how long.

I will wish him 'Happy Birthday'' on his birthday but other than that, I will definitely not approach him.

On the other hand, Carl kept on trying to approach me but whenever he stood next to me or was about to walk towards me, I walked away.

Prince is definitely more nicer than me because he never did move away whenever I was next to him. God always makes me fall for nice guys and I am thankful for that.

And just so you know, I don't like Carl's character at all and I can tell what kind of guy he is, a guy with no sense of independence and likes to drink. I got all of that from the socialiising at the bar last night where he kept on looking in my direction but I just concentrated on talking with another lecturer.

I will stop this rant for now. I need to work.

But I really want to talk with someone.

I'm so sorry for troubling you and for annoying you this whole time. I was really selfish and not thinking about how you were feeling at all. I bet something happened to you, something really sad, and I did nothing but just add fuel to the fire. I'm so sorry. I won't trouble you again.

Skirts

Boy do I have a heck load of assignments to finish! In fact, I shouldn't even be on here but I want to update this blog since I won't be here for the next three days since I'll be in Switzerland and Liechtenstein for our class trip. I really do hope Prince and I will be able to become more friendlier and more comfortable with each other.

I went to class very early today because I wanted to do a wire transfer before going to class but I couldn't because it can only be done online (which I am slightly panicking about now since I don't have a specific card that I really need now).

I wore a very nice outfit today, one that I had planned to wear to class since December (sad I know right?). It consists of a cream white cardigan, a black top, a short white skirt with gold flowers on it and grey tights along with my old Converses.

And yes, I felt pretty good about my appearance today and my confidence got a little boost from Xia because she said I looked very sweet today.

I was the first one in class and I began reading some Physics notes which I need for one of my assignments and somehow I caught myself thinking "What if Prince doesn't come today? It'll be such a waste for a good outfit!" and I am really not the type of girl who normally thinks like that. All I wanted was for him to see me looking good.

Much to my surprise, he came very early, earlier than Yu and Xia even. I think he was third person to enter the classroom and at first he sat in front of me, his usual seat but then he moved far away.

And immediately I felt really sad and depressed and tired, like the all-nighter I did last night went to waste.

You can 100% bet that my spirits immediately sank and I began thinking that he really hated me and was avoiding me.

During the break, I really did want to go talk with him, especially since Carl wasn't there, but I just couldn't so I hung out around Tia instead who was sitting quite near him.

My mood got worse when I saw him talking a lot with Carl and I just felt really mad with myself.

For that whole morning, I really felt like there was a really bad energy between us. We didn't even make eye-contact when we each had to present our idea for our project in class which is odd since we almost always do.

It was as though there was something between us and I don't know about him but I was aware of it.

Like when we standing across each other, we sometimes copied each other's movements and I really felt that he glanced my way once or twice but we were kind of wary of each other.

By lunch break I couldn't stand it anymore. I was being so pitiful with myself and that was when I realised that I was just as foolish as those manga heroines that I always curse since they don't attempt to clear up the situation so I decided that I wanted to talk with him.

So I stood up and walked over to his place (Carl had already gone home and Prince was taking his time to pack up) and I asked him if he was going home already and he said no and we talked for awhile about the lecture that afternoon and I felt like my English was becoming slightly less formal and he was relaxing as well.

He smiled a lot and we even kind of made a small joke and I sure am pretty obvious now because when he said that he was coming back later I said to him "See you later!" before I left him standing there, most probably dumbstruck by how obvious I am being.

I really observed him while I was being depressed though and I kept thinking: "Why the hell did I fall for him?" He isn't very hot and he isn't a very good speaker but something in him just attracts me somehow because I feel like he is kind of like the guy version of myself.

You see, the only reason why I actually dared to go and talk to him during the lunch break is because he looked at Yu and I's drawing as he was re-entering the classroom (I was sitting right in front of the class next to the door) and it was obvious that he was looking so when that happened I couldn't help but smile and sigh in relief. If it was me, I think I would've done the same to show someone that I don't hate them. Assuming he doesn't hate me that is.

So after lunch break I really wanted to go over and talk to him because he was alone (he and Acia really don't talk a lot anymore) but I couldn't since I was already talking with some other people so I kept waiting and by the time I had the courage to, Carl was back and I didn't want to go there anymore. Carl shaved his hair off by the way.

After that, everyone left just looked at drawings and when I finally felt brave enough (because there were so few people there) I stood next to him but after that I had to go since Yu was calling me.

Yu and I had to go out though while another group was presenting their project to discuss ours and I was really a bit disappointed cause I wanted to talk with Prince, I really did.

Carl came out of the room while Yu and I were talking and he glanced our way and my heart cheered that he was going home without Prince but no, he just had to turn back after walking down the hall and he walked back inside the classroom and then he came out with Prince and he said "Good bye, Beth" and Prince mumbled something but honestly, need I say who I was actually looking at?

I said "Good bye, guys! See you tomorrow!" and at that point both of them turned around, Carl a major turn while Prince did a minor one.

However, I only looked at Prince and yet again, he had the uncertain look on his face although he was smiling slightly. I don't know, maybe he was expecting me to talk with him, I just don't know.

I hope that I'll get to sit somewhere near him on the bus tomorrow. :)

That's it for now, I have to go take a shower and get right into drawing!!!!!

Busy busy busy. But I sure am progressing and hopefully in the right way.

I would like to think that we have some kind of secret bond that only the both of us know but that is just wishful thinking.

P.S. I can't believe I missed out this part. And it's the title of my blog post as well haih... But anyway, due to the fact that I was wearing a skirt and tights, people (guys, generally) kept on looking at my legs and I don't know if that is because they look good or if they're just thick but it felt reassuring to know that I can get people's attention with the outfit I'm wearing.

The important part here is that I know that even though Prince cares about his looks and style, he is definitely not gay.

How?

At the beginning of the lunch break, while the professor was talking with some girls about their models, I had to go over to the professor to ask some questions and Prince and Carl were both approaching the professor as well.

I think it's because it's the first time that he's ever seen me in anything else but jeans and skinnies so when I stood next to the professor, awaiting my turn impatiently while fidgeting my leg up and down, I saw from the corner of my eyes that as Prince was approaching, his eyes looked down and he looked at my legs. For quite some time. So I shifted my legs and turned my head and he quickly looked away.

The fact that he looked doesn't really gross me out somehow. Maybe it's cause it's him. Maybe it's because the way that he was looking at them wasn't like the gaze of a molester, more like someone in shock.

Yeah, I sound so full of myself right now and I hate it but I'm just typing out the truth. And now I really got to get moving.

After a month

Hey there. :)

I haven't posted anything up in a month and it's not like I'm not experiencing any love-ish related subjects but because, well partly, I've been busy studying and getting ready to go to Milan, Italy to sit for my entrance exams there for a university and well, I need to work hard.

The other reason is, well, I've been trying to distract myself from Law. Like really.

I tried to look at other guys and I must admit, I make myself get really high and all but that feeling is only for a moment, nothing that I've experienced when I liked Law.

So...

I didn't even dare to look at his Facebook page after the last time that I texted him.

And I just went to look at it a few moments ago cause I thought I was brave enough for, I don't know, anything that'll disappoint me cause, I mean, it's already been a month, it should be okay right?

The first thing I saw was a couple of status updates and I was all cool and okay.

And then, I saw him taking a picture with Ivy and I just know that they are together already.

I won't go into much detail but let's just say that she's part of his group already.

And even though it's been more than a month, my heart still beat fast and I was really disappointed.

I felt upset. Crestfallen. Sad. Whatever other sad word that you can put in here.


And wow my song player just had to give me a sad song right now haha.

The song is called "Kissしたまま、さよなら" by 東方神起 (Tohoshinki). I love this song, really.


Anyway, whenever I tried to look at another guy or whenever I was a within a close proximity with any of them, my heart never did beat hard for them and I did not get whatsoever butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, I got high when I was near them, but not for the reasons that I got high whenever I was near Law.


I found out someone liked me, even during the time when I was like super ugly, and yes, that's flattering but I just can't seem to like him. Interested is probably as close as I can get to right now.

I tried liking this guy, whom June penned "Broccoli" but whom I shall coin Victor, and yes he's sweet and all and he and I actually talk but I know he isn't interested in any relationship at the moment cause he wants to concentrate on his studies and all and I also don't feel anything much for him.


And wow again, my song player is now playing 東方神起's With All My Heart which is a sad song as well.


Anyway, I just can't seem to forget him that easily. Just like Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines haha. 

Never thought I could really relate to that poem but hey ho I just did!

I keep thinking about that photo of him and Ivy but I will do my best to forget it.


And so, I also found another distraction, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I've had a crush on him ever since I saw him in 500 Days of Summer and I watched him in Inception as well but I just started to admire him even more in The Dark Knight Rises.

He owns this company called hitRECord which I intend to join once I'm partly satisfied with my skills and when I have the time to.

I'm actually supposed to be studying now... but Law just set me off.

Anyway, this "regular Joe" inspires me to be myself and to become better and I really hope that I'll get to meet him one day and impress him. :)


There was something that I wanted to say but I forgot haha. Never mind.

But I plan on posting a post about every single text between Law and I before I leave and I know I still like him cause even though I just got a smartphone (woohoo for me), I still cherish my old Sony Ericsson. I still can't bring myself to delete the texts.

And I just remembered what I wanted to say.

I'm now more afraid and cautious when I try to like someone and now, more than ever, I feel so discouraged to like any guy cause I feel like I don't deserve anyone or that I don't deserve to be liked by anyone.

Not like I'm going to turn into a lesbian but I now am leaning more to one sided crushes (i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lee Jong Hyun) cause it's safer cause I won't be anywhere near them embarrassing myself and not making any weird moves to get closer to them.


And that's about it for now I guess. I'm still going to update from time to time and I will definitely be more of myself haha.

It'll really take some time for me to heal but hopefully, I will.

Weary Blues

I am in love with Madeleine Peyroux's Weary Blues. Oh gosh, it really takes me back to an unknown past, one that I seem to remember but can never exactly place in my memory.


I love nostalgic songs a lot. Like a lot a lot.


Anyway, I am really... sad now.


In short, and I want to keep this short, I texted Law today.


He was extremely curt and not really responsive except for the part when we talked about computer games for a short while.


Then somehow or another, I asked him whether he was going overseas or not and if he knew anyone who was so he said Angel was and then I texted Angel.


Then, Angel said something like "Oh, yes. Hahaha. Law was telling you the truth."


So I asked her how did she knew I asked Law so she said that Law was with her then.


And then, somehow or another, she asked me whether or not I liked him.


I was really tempted to lie but I decided, 'You know what? Let's just get this over with.' So I said yes. But I told her I wasn't going to do anything more cause I just wanted to be his friend.


Then... She told me that...


That his heart was somewhere else.


We texted for a bit after that and I asked her if she told him and she was like 'Don't worry, I won't' so I just left it at there.




If anything, I knew he liked someone else, most probably Ivy.




I feel upset but if anything, I'm okay. I'm not going to be crying anytime soon hopefully. Hopefully.


Hopefully.




It hurts a bit though.


But it's not a big deal...  You know what, it is.




I'll do my best to not let it show though.




For now, I'll let it slowly fade and I'm just thankful I'm not too crazy about him as I was previously cause if not, by now, I'd be super depressed.




I'll probably not be writing in here for a long time. Like a really long time cause I don't fall for people that easily.


I guess what I'm saying is that I'm forcing myself to let go.


Oh gosh I just want to cry now. And whimper. And whine. And complain.


But that's not who I am. I won't succumb to such embarrassing actions.


I just hope that he at least felt a bit happy knowing that I liked him, even a bit is okay with me. I bet he knew from the beginning anyway.


So, good bye for now. All my memories of him will be forever preserved here. Who knows when I'll start posting again.


............


I hope, C, that you know that I really truly and sincerely liked you and that is why, I won't make it any harder for you by trying to be nice to me.


I hope, C, you'll get that girl you're after. She is really lucky that she got your attention.


I hope, C, that at least at one point, you found me interesting.


And I hope, C... that we will still be friends.


:)

The final evening

Today was my prom day! :)


My sisters were really nice enough to put so much effort in making me look presentable and I actually felt quite pretty. I got compliments from a lot of people and that just boosted my confidence up even more.


When he first came, I couldn't find him in the crowd until much later and by then everyone had to enter the hall.


Because of my heels, I was way taller than him cause my heels were around 3.5 till 4 inches tall and were boosted by platforms as well. =-=


Anyway, I shall tell all the encounters that I had with him today. :)


The first one, Ariel and I had to go around, asking the Prom King and Prom Queen nominees to get ready outside the hall for their grand entrance, so we went over to the senior's side and I saw where he sat.


He looked really good. Like really really really good.


He was handsome.


Oh sheep, I'm so cheesy but I can't help it because he really did.


Even if he didn't follow the theme (vintage vogue) and only put on a regular suit, to me, he was the best one of the best ones.


Anyway, I was scanning the crowd of seniors when I saw him and his friend turn to look at me and he looked at me for a very long time.


I mean like, if you saw someone, you'd just glance and then turn back to your table, but he didn't.


He was still staring when Ariel and I left and I felt a bit happy.


I went on stage twice cause I was the girl holding the lucky draw bowl and at certain points, my knees shook.


I don't know if it was because I had been in them for over an hour or whether it was because I knew that he was in the crowd.


At the end of prom, I made my way to the senior's table after a moment's hesitation and I began talking and taking photos with some of my seniors, Blair and Melrose included.


He was still standing there and he was really close to us at one point but I was still too afraid to approach him and to talk with him.


Besides, he was hanging out a lot with Angel and a couple more of other friends.


Then, he went out and I began feeling upset and started beating myself up in my mind.


And so, I went out to find him, feeling lost because most of my friends were gone and then I got scared cause I couldn't find him so I thought that he left already.


Then, I saw him, still hanging out with Angel and the rest.


I slowly approached them, talking with other seniors and taking more photos with my friends when suddenly I was right next to them.


Then, Angel and I chatted for a bit before we took a photo together.


She's really nice. :)


While Angel and I were taking our photo, he turned around and left so I got really disappointed and sad.


For the next 5 minutes, I couldn't find him and when I did, he was inside the hall and I didn't dare to go in.


So I went over to June whom I finally got the chance to hang out with for a bit cause she was busy from the moment prom started and we took a couple of photos together as well as with some of our other friends.


I told June how I felt and she asked me if I wanted to take a photo with him and I said 'yes' but I couldn't cause I didn't have a camera.


"Never mind la! You can borrow mine!"


Her words made my night.


Really.


Thank you so much.


Then, Law came out from the hall with Angel and I got slightly panicked.

Me: How am I supposed to take a picture with him? I don't know what to say!

June: Never mind, I'll ask Angel to take a photo with us both and then you can take a picture with him!

So the three of us took a picture, him being the photographer (wonder if Angel thought that was weird since I already took a photo with her) and then he gave back the camera and was about to turn away when I stopped him.

Me: Wait, Law. Let's all take a photo. :)

June: Yes, the three of you.

Law: Sure.

And then, we stood next to each other, Angel to his right and I to his left.

But suddenly, Angel kind of left him and I there so June said "Never mind la, just the two of you."

I really wonder why she did that. Did she know that I only wanted to take a picture with him and so decided to help me? She just walked out from the frame and looked at Law and I for a while before she turned around and left.

And so, I now have a real picture of him and I together. :)

I didn't want to waste that moment so I decided to just talk to him.

Me: Law, is it okay if I ask you something? Do I annoy you?

Law: No!

Me: Are you pissed with me???

Law: No! *Grins* I'm just like that. (Referring to him not replying my text)

Me: Oh, good! Cause I was scared that you were pissed at me. 

Law: *Grins* I'm a nice guy.

Me: So you don't mind me SMS-ing you or anything?

Law: No! Of course not.

Me: So it's okay if I do SMS you anytime?

Law: Of course. I'm a nice guy.

Me: It's okay if I ask you for game tips right?

Law: Ya. *Nods*

Me: I'm going to miss seeing you in school.

Law: I'll miss you too.

He was grinning throughout the whole time we were talking.

I kept hitting his arm. I bet I was unconsciously flirting. =-=;

June was there the whole time, looking at the two of us.

Later on, she told me that she was so happy because she was happy for me and I find that really cute of her. :)

She got to take a picture with Sam too, although, she stopped liking him a long time ago.

Talking with Law was my highlight for that entire evening.

He looked at me at times quite often after that.

Then, I went around, talking and taking photos before I went home.

Yes, I feel really happy and extremely blessed that this happened cause now I know that it's really okay to communicate with him through Facebook and texts but of course I won't do it all the time.

However, I feel a bit sad.

Initially, it was cause I thought he and Angel had something going on but according to Skye, Angel likes one of Skye's ex-crush so there's no way there's anything between them.

That news cheered me up a bit but somehow, I still feel sad and I'm not too sure why.

At least I have this memory preserved and to be eternally kept inside a photo.

I cannot thank June enough for doing that for me.

Thank you so so so much.

Now, I can be sure that I have no regrets whatsoever.

I can actually imagine how it'd have turned out if I never did anything.

I'd be here, feeling all sad and pathetic and regretting a whole lot.

I feel proud of myself for accomplishing something that I never thought I'd ever do, something that I thought was really impossible at the start of this year.

He doesn't mind keeping in contact with me and I feel relieved that I didn't confess to him.

Now, I just need to build a friendship with him.

It'll be slightly difficult now that I don't see him a lot but there'll surely be a way.

Need to sleep now cause I have mooting tomorrow. :)

PS. I received a lot of "you're really sweet" compliments from a lot of seniors and it feels good. :)