The Forever Train - Story II

You inhale and open your eyes.

The first thing you notice is the empty seat across you; the sunlight and shadows playing a game amongst themselves in a rapid tempo. Taking a look outside, you see foliage of various green shades and just beyond that you can make out hills and meadows.

Laughter fills the air and you can hear people chattering away. Of course, there’s someone crying, although why you had to reason it with an ‘of course’ leaves you wondering why. Regardless of the situation you are in and how you surprisingly feel like you have been sitting there forever, you have no clue how you got there.

As you sit pondering there, your hands neatly folded on your lap and your eyes entertained by the passing view, you notice a figure moving towards you and you look up.

It’s a boy with headphones in his ears wearing a black cap and a grey hoodie. He pauses for a while in the aisle, right next to the empty seat across you, and you find yourself hoping he will sit down. After all, all the other seats in this carriage are occupied but he moves on and disappears into the next car. Funny how the seating arrangements are two seats facing each other and not the usual four.

It strikes you as odd; you’ve never been on a train like this, but you didn’t have much time to think over this as a pretty boy with a fair complexion approaches you.

Again you find yourself hoping he will sit down since you’re starting to feel a little bit out of place, being the only soloist in the carriage, but he passes by again.

A third guy enters the carriage and starts looking around.

You sit straighter and realise your hair is a mess so you straighten it up a bit and pat your skirt neatly. As he walks down the aisle, you make eye contact with him and both of you exchange smiles.

“Hello.” You say.

“Hi.” He responds.

Before you can get another word out though, his attention is brought elsewhere and he spies an empty chair in the corner. He leaves without a word and you feel sad. It could have been him.

You turn your attention back to the passing scenery. No more hoping for someone to take the seat.

Other guys pass by in the corridor and some even pause near you but they don’t look like good company with that bottle of beer in his hand or that noisy looking toy in his pocket. Not once did you look up when they stopped until they finally leave but you just give them a quick glance before looking back at the scenery.

I have had enough for today.

You close your eyes as you feel the warmth of the sunshine bathing you in a sleepy stupor.

“Excuse me.”

Your eyes fly open and it takes a moment for you to register what is happening. The bright yellow light now pale yellow with, if you were seeing things right, flecks of gold and orange. A mysterious light indeed. Next to the empty seat across from you stands a guy in a grey jacket.

“Is this seat taken?”

You shake your head and smile at him, hoping it’d put him at ease and that he will occupy the seat. He returns the smile and placing his bag in the overhead compartment, he takes the seat across from you.

Both of you make eye contact and exchange smiles again before you both look out of the window.

You didn't get a clear look at his face but you remember that he has dark brown eyes and a dimple on his right cheek. Glancing from the corner of your eyes, you see that he has dark brown hair as well. In his hand he holds a book.

Looking down into your own hands, you realise you’re holding a book as well. Why didn’t I notice this before? Looking back up, you see that he is completely absorbed in nature’s beauty. You settle back in your chair and look outside again.

“Where are you going to?” Did he just ask you a question?

“Sorry, are you talking to me?”

“Well, you’re the only one here aren’t you?”

Until then, you didn’t realise that the entire carriage was empty except for the small compartment that both of you occupied. Somehow, that makes you feel happy. But then you also realise that that wasn’t the only thing that you didn’t notice.

“I don’t know actually.” He turns to look at you, his eyes wide in surprise.

“You don’t have a destination?”

“I have a ticket. That much I know, but I never checked it again after I got on here.”

“Guess you just know when you have to get off, huh?” He smiles at me and leans back in his seat. “Same here.”

He has big eyes and a straight nose. His lips look really full and he scratches his head when he forgets what he’s about to say. You like the flow of the conversation and in the mysterious golden light, he looks like a god. This stranger makes you feel comfortable.

At every moment you find yourself trying to sit straighter and you play with your hair constantly as words are exchanged. He mirrors your movements, straightening his jacket and fiddling with his hair.

“Hungry?” You ask and take out a wicker basket from under your seat, surprised you knew that it was there. He nods his head, never taking his eyes from the basket which produced a variety of sandwiches and a thermos filled with sweet tea. There is a slice of cake as well which the both of you polished off as soon as the sandwiches disappeared.

“Thank you,” he says with a childish grin. You can’t help but smile back. “You’re welcome.”

Silence fills up the space between both of you again as nightfall approaches and you find yourself getting sleepy and your head keeps bobbing up and down.

“Can I read what’s in your book?” His question catches you off-guard and you find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat despite not knowing the contents of the book exactly. You hesitate and look at him.

“Only if I can read yours.”

Striking a deal, an exchange of books took place and for the next hour or so, both of you poured your souls into reading the book in your hands.

“I’m sorry.” You look at him with tears in your eyes. He gives you a tired smile and places your book in his backpack. It doesn’t bother you that he just took it without asking you. You did the same anyway, keeping it in your backpack. “I’m sorry too.”

As the train pulls into a station both of you get out of the carriage and walk out of the building towards a quiet town.

In the shadows of the trees, walking down a familiar looking path, both of you continue to stride easily, side-by-side.

It appears you have arrived at a sea.

Both of you sit down on the sand and watch the white moonlit waves rolling, the wind making a mess of your hair, your hands entwined and your head on his shoulder. Silence again.

“I love you.”

He shifts slightly and you feel his fingers on your face, gently turning it so that your eyes meet again and as he lowers his lips to yours, you hear the words you know you have been searching for.

“I love you too.”

This is going to be a not so usual post because I normally separate the contents of my blog; this one for crushes and the like and another for my life in general. Somehow, for today that is, I felt like I should leak a bit of how my mind works, rest assured if you came here for the love stuff, my points will be touching those.

And I'm keeping things short as I'm typing this on my phone and not my laptop. 

Since I have so much free time now, my mind is currently filling itself up with EXO related stuff, mainly about Lay.

I really felt like crying for his behalf just now as I read how hard his life as a trainee was but as usual the tears wouldn't come and you have no idea how much it sucks to not be able to have a good cry when you want to. 

He really worked hard and I couldn't help but think, why can't I find a guy like that? Who's just as sweet and as caring as him. Naturally I don't know his bad traits but it doesn't seem like he puts on a fake front in front of the cameras and he is so amazing, really, I don't know why he doesn't have as many fans as the other members.

Seeing his face alone makes me realise just how hard he worked. He lost a heck load of weight and sometimes he can't even hide how tired he is. Instead of a glamorous life, he gets chased down like a rat by sasaeng fans and has to constantly make sure he's doing a good job of representing SM.

I know I'm not worthy enough for a guy like him but I would do my best to make him happy.

And then I start to complain after all that.

I honestly feel that I am a nice girl who is kind and who has enough brains to know how to do well in her studies and to make the right decisions so as not to bring her family's image down. I am really a jack of all trades but master of none and even though I am so socially awkward and retarded, I do my best to be a really good friend to the people who accept me as a friend in their life. Looks-wise, I am above average and I get loads of catcalls and have been told that I am pretty or beautiful.

And yes that sounds a hell lot like I'm bragging but I'm just telling the truth so it's up to you whether or not to believe it because I am tired of always caring too much about what other people think.

Why can't nice guys who are my type ever go for me? I don't think I have hyper unrealistic standards.

For one, it really doesn't matter if they're rich, has a super muscular physique, is tremendously stylish, is an Oxford graduate etc.

When it comes down to the facts I would say I would like a sweet guy with a face that I think is beautiful even though others might not. A guy who is smart enough so that we can converse and well off enough that I don't need to give him pocket money.  A guy who pays more attention to neatness and loves his family and God a lot. Needless to say, he is a hard worker and is passionate in chasing his dreams.

Too much to ask? I think not.

He wouldn't need to always call me and buy me stuff. He wouldn't need to cart around my shopping bags because in the first place, I really think a date where only one person goes shopping is a horrifying date. I would be loyal to him and I will expect him to be loyal to me.

Now someone please tell me where can I find a guy like this?

Okay I'm tired now so I'll be hitting the sack, praying for a miracle to happen. 

What is a relationship all about anyway?

Okay so for some reason I'm hearing a heck load of relationship problems, whether or not the person admits to that problem or not, but I'd like to refer to one in particular.

Cheating.

Now ladies and gentlemen, what in your definition is cheating?

If making out with people and having crushes on guys while being engaged to one guy is in your list, then you and I are on the same page.

Is it okay to cheat?

Hell no.

But when one of my friends was telling me how she made out with a guy last Friday at a party and how she's feeling no remorse for it and how she's actually hoping to meet him again I found myself wondering, "Why did you even get engaged in the first place?"

Being very traditionally minded, I don't mind that she has slept with her boyfriend and all of that before but really? Cheating and not feeling any sense of guilt and repeating the process?

Am I the weird one here?

Why get attached to one person if you still want to hop around looking for the thrill of different lips and all of that??? Really now.

She doesn't even mind if he does the same to her.

Is that what most people expect from a relationship these days? Just someone they can refer to as their "soulmate" and then go around sticking their tongue down someone's throat?

Anyway, Prince was at that party too according to her but he was really quiet. My guesses on his personality is almost spot on aha.

I really do hope that when I do get into a relationship it will be a meaningful one, and not one where I'll be looking to get out from it.

The life goal

You know, all my life up till today, I could never figure out what my goal in life really is.

It finally dawned on me during the class field trip that we had today.

I never did get to ask Prince whether he wanted to team up together with me or not because I'm just a terrible coward. I asked Tia instead, before Carl could ask me, and I could see that he wanted to.

Oh, I told Tia about this blog as well. Funny how I thought I'd never be able to tell anyone else apart from June and Helen about this blog. Not even Yu knows the existence of this blog.

Anyway, during some parts of the trip, I stole some glances at Prince and it felt like he knew I was looking at him so I did cut back a lot on trying to be near him and all of that.

And even though I said that I no longer have strong feelings for him, I'm starting to doubt that certainty a bit now.

It's not as though I think about him a lot anymore these days compared to the previous months and it's not as though I try to talk to him a lot and try to be closer with him but I can feel that somewhere inside me there's still a part that's holding onto the feeling of like that I have for him.

I know that he isn't a perfect guy. He likes to waste his time and he isn't really disciplined either but the way how he gets really absorbed into architecture is kind of the reason that makes me like him. I guess this is also the reason why I still haven't been able to make any move towards Al, because I still hold unresolved feelings for Prince.

For all I know, this feeling that I have for him will last for months more, or even years.

As if I'd stand a real chance, I know.

Then all of this made me realise that goal that I've wanted to achieve; a really shallow goal that is extremely selfish.

I want to be in an amazingly wonderful relationship.

No, it doesn't need to be rose-tinted. It doesn't need to be all roses and chocolates. It doesn't need to be about fancy dinners and materialistic gifts. It doesn't need to be dates at amusement parks and strolls by the beach.

Just a relationship with a guy where the both of us can be totally free to express ourselves. Where we can talk for hours without ever getting tired of each other's voice. Where we can fight and make mistakes but learn more from the bitterness and become closer. Where we can't wait to be together.

And somehow, my sick and irrational mind thinks that I can achieve that if I was to be with Prince.

Seriously, brain, what is wrong with you??? He freaking has a girlfriend already, do you really want to have a one-sided feeling for a guy? Can't you see that it'll only be a burden to him? You barely know this guy.

Thus, I feel like not liking anyone at the moment, if that makes any sense at all. I'm just tired of this, liking someone but never having my feelings reciprocated.

For my siblings, whomever that they are interested in, almost always the other person also likes them. Amazing huh?

But because I don't feel like liking anyone at the moment, it makes me unable to feel really happy, to live life to the fullest.

Because I lost a goal to reach.

For now I'm feeding off energy from romance mangas. I think the reason why I want to be a mangaka is to be able to create delusional worlds for myself. This is just sad hahaha.

Maybe I'm not even sure of my own feelings for Prince.

Regardless, I hope that I'll be able to find a real purpose to live.

Could I just get any more luckier?

I was all set to wish him "Happy Birthday Prince!" but I was stuck with a heck lot of drawing and he looked really busy. I also didn't want to just go up to him because Carl was there as well and he's starting to be really obvious now and at one point I snapped at him but it wasn't intentional, really. I just had a lot of work to do and I actually still do but today's news is by far the most important one yet.

Anyway, going in chronological order here, Prince and Carl left so I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to wish him so I Facebook messaged him but surprise surprise he came back alone and sat behind Yu and I but I just concentrated on my work.

So here comes the important news.

As I was packing up to leave, Yu said to me in an ever so cheerful voice "I have something to tell you about Prince."

I said "What?"

And somehow, I just knew bad news was going to come spewing out from her mouth.

"He has a girlfriend."

Surprisingly, I don't feel as devastated as when I found out that Law likes someone else but you can bet your guts that I have no form of motivation left to keep me going.

I am crying silent and invisible tears.

I am trying to shed real ones but they just can't come out and I am now trying to stand this pain that is choking me blue.

I can't believe it. I really, freaking, can't believe it.

This has been the third time already.

In all cases, the guy I like already has someone in their hearts and in all cases as well, guys I don't have any interest in takes an interest in me.

Funny right?

Is this some kind of a curse??? I thought number 3 was the magic number.

I don't get why Yu was so cheerful about it either. She definitely did not notice the sudden loss of spirit in me.

One thing for sure is that I really have good taste in guys. Why do I say that? Because none of them ever confronted me directly and rejected me straight out.

Also, all three of them have fans.

Why didn't I suspect this sooner????

Prince is really the whole package, looks, intelligence and good-natured. Why wouldn't he have a girlfriend? Especially since he's already 22.

I honestly feel like I'm on autopilot now. That everything I'll do now for about three months will be done by an empty me.

In fact, I actually believe that the news hasn't properly sunk into my brain yet.

Wow I really look calm now, like someone who's just typing away at some essay. You wouldn't be able to tell how much I want to scream out now by looking at me.

I cannot think clearly now. I just hope that I will be able to move on slowly.

Surprisingly, now I feel like I can talk to him more comfortably now and I feel less scared of approaching him. I still want to be his friend though.

Is that what you call mature? Trying to get over a crush even though it really hurts?

I don't know.

And my irrational brain still wants to talk with him but I will definitely keep to the friendship territory. Not like I'm hot enough to be a candidate or anything that can entice him but I don't want to make him bear the burden of me liking him. I do think that it is a burden when you like someone and they don't feel the same way.

This post didn't turn out as dramatic as I thought it would be. Oh well. I guess it's cause I'm really tired.

Remember

I have always been a seriously huge fan of manga drawings and stories and currently I am in a shoujo romantic comedy mood and even though I have assignments to be done, I can't stop reading them which is to say I'm sacrificing sleep in order to read them cause I read them in the afternoon and stay up at night to do my homework.

I love the idea of being in love, of being in a relationship, of finding that one guy who would love you for all your idiosyncrasies and flaws. I can always see it happening for others. I just can't see it happening to me.

All these manga main heroines have it easy, don't they?

A typical story goes like this: Girl falls in love with guy after guy bullied her/was kind to her and she's too afraid to say anything. Then some conflict arises and she realises how much she loves the guy so she confesses and it turns out that the guy loved her all the time.

So basically it's a happy ending.

I have yet to experience something like that. I'm actually very pessimistic about that I mean, seriously, I don't think I'm that lucky.

I could continue liking Prince, like the Law case, but this doesn't mean he likes me or that he might fall for me.

And then I begin to doubt myself.

When will I get to experience a good relationship?

All, and I mean all, of my siblings have had or are in a relationship, including my younger sister and brother and yes, I am incredibly jealous of all of them. I am also incredibly jealous of all those manga heroines cause they're living my dream.

I just wonder when it'll be my turn next.

Funny how...

I still think about you even though you probably don't even think of me.


It's annoying sometimes how I can completely forget about him sometimes and then when I least expect it, especially at school, I'll suddenly see or hear something and I'm right back in the water, thinking about how lucky I was to have been able to see him almost everyday for the first few months of this year.


I know that he said it's okay for me to text him whenever but then again, I don't want to disturb him much less annoy him and besides, I have no idea how to begin a text without actually seeing him somewhere.


I think the reason that I've went out so much in the past week is that I keep on hoping to meet him somewhere but I haven't.


It makes me wonder whether or not all those chance meetings were a hoax or not.


Recently, last Friday, I reconnected with one of my old high school friends, Jasmine, and I told her stuff about Law and she told me to not text him and that I should wait for him to text me.


I know for sure that there's no way in hell that he'd ever get the urge to text me.


Why would he?


We weren't particularly close.


Just thinking about how long this feeling has been and how it has grown really makes me feel amazed that I actually went through all these experiences.


I just wish that I could have the chance to see him every single day again and get closer with him.




Last night, my mom asked me to never date young but Rainie and Skye said that it'd be better if I did cause then I'd have more experience and besides, when should I start to get experience if not from a young age?


I'm not really hoping for a boyfriend though but maybe a close guy friend so that I can see how such a relationship can progress.


A guy that I can truly be my tomboy-ish, completely unfeminine, gamer attitude self around with.


Unfortunately though, almost every single guy my age fear talking to me and sad to say, I think it's cause I seem to exude more authority than them.


And unfortunately, the only guy that I can see right now who might be able to understand me is Law and I really want to smack my forehead and face for that. =-=;




I wonder when I'll see Law again.


Come to think of it, this blog wasn't how I thought it'd end up being.


I thought that I'd be writing letters to my celebrity crushes and stuff but never this and never did I imagine him.




When will I see you again?

Opening up... to a guy

And not just any guy; but, my sister's boyfriend. Skye's boyfriend. Ken.


Just a side note, I think you guys understand that the names I use are aliases and have nothing to do with the people who really have these names. :)


Part of the reason why I'm posting this up instead of sleeping (cause it's 12.42 am here) is because I'm waiting for my hair to dry. XD


I bathed late cause the four of us (Skye, Rainie (Skye's twin), Summer (younger sister), and I) went out with Ken just now till 10.00 pm (which is considered very late for my parents XD).


It was fun going out with him cause this was the first time we met him since he lives in a different state than us so he flew all the way from KL to our place just for Skye and I felt so touched by this gesture cause he did it for her birthday (which was yesterday since it's 12.48 am already here) and she cried. :)


It's like that 5000 miles apart video on youtube but of course not as touching. XD


We first broached the subject about Law while we were drinking bubble tea but Ken hardly took part in the conversation.


We were so loud and I'm hoping no one that knows him was there cause who knows what they'll do with that information. :|


But later on while we were waiting for Summer and Rainie (who were having contact lens problems), he asked if I had a dream guy to which Skye responded by saying "Of course! Lee Jong Hyun!"


Somehow... Somehow, before she finished saying "Of course!", Law's name appeared in my head.


And I felt slightly disappointed in what she said but then again, Jong Hyun is still one of my dream guys. :)


Then Ken asked again, "What's your dream guy like?".


I said, "I like guys who are really quiet and is only noisy when he's with me. A slightly emo guy."


Thinking back now, I almost said "Guys with black hair that's floppy and has a fringe." 


I really like guys that has that kind of hairstyle somehow.


But re-thinking back again, my dream guy is someone who is really passionate in pursuing his dream and someone who has the same brainwave with me.


But the most important thing is that he'll love and understand me and that he'll be a faithful guy.


As corny as that sounds, I really like that type of guy.


He doesn't have to be taller than me.
He doesn't have to be rich,
He doesn't need to be super smart.
He doesn't need to play a musical instrument.
He doesn't need to have good fashion sense.


I mean, all those things are an added bonus but they are just minor details to the big picture.


That's what I truly believe.


Anyway, while we were having dinner, Rainie brought up that they should all help me with Law so she asked him what I should do if I want to hit on Law.


Ken said that I should first be friends with him and that I can't just straight away go into that part of the relationship.


Skye interrupted by saying that I should do what she did to get Ken which is to start texting him first but I'm keeping that idea for later for when I need to text him regarding stuff about the Election Board and I'm hoping that from there on, something will happen. :)


As unapproachable as Law is, I know that he is somehow just like me.


We don't always know how to make the first move to talk someone but when we do get into a conversation with someone, we'll do our best to make the other person comfortable and happy and then we'll slowly reveal our self to them.


That's just an assumption though.


Now I know how those people see me as, an arrogant girl who's really cold although I'm really not some holier-than-thou type of human.


I'll be going to school in 28 hours time and I'll finally be able to see him again even though he might have forgotten who I am and what my name is.


June told me to not give up and I will heed her advice.


I won't be a coward in pursuing this just like what Skye did to Ken and look at where they are now. :)




Please, let a miracle happen. :)