Fissure

I just spent yesterday and today catching up on more than 30 Naruto chapters. It is indeed satisfying haha.

Aside from that, I didn't see Prince at all today and I waved to one of his friends but she ignored me or something. TT^^TT Yeah, feeling a bit crestfallen but I will just pick myself up.

Reading Naruto gives me the spirit I need to keep going and not giving up.

Mostly, this is about me finding love.

And, I guess it's okay if I don't end up with Prince.

When I do find that person, I wonder how it'll turn out.

And now to shower before I start doing tedious drawing again hahaha.

To not raise my hopes up

I realised that the more that I like him, the more my hopes rise and that is really not good.

So for now, I am channeling all that lovey emotion to a K-Pop idol who looks a bit like him, although Prince has slightly sharper features and bigger eyes.

Introducing Kai of EXO-K.

18 years old and he's 5 days older than me.

This is really just a small celebrity crush compared to the crushes I have on Lee Jong Hyun of CNBLUE and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Kai is just an excuse for me to not fall too hard for Prince.

I actually wanted to post something up about Prince on Thursday but I got the blues on my way back from class.

To sum it up very quickly, he only came for the afternoon class (late as usual) and a couple of girls talked with him and kept eye-ing him (so I know that they all like him). I couldn't even get the chance to talk with him, even when he was talking with one of my guy friends on the stairs.

When he came in class, we made brief eye contact as usual but again, I couldn't bring myself to smile at him. I always look like I hate the people I am most attracted to. Bad habit.

I couldn't even talk with him after the lecture ended no matter how much I delayed in going back.

Why?

All of the girls immediately attacked him after the lecture so I just went out.

Never mind. That's why I'm having this mini crush on Kai so that I won't obsess myself too much with Prince. I have to keep my mind open anyway.

I never thought it would be possible again to feel my heart thumping that hard

First, to anyone who comes across this blog and for the really diligent humans who bother to go through all my posts, you guys make my day, in one way or another.
I feel like my tiny, anonymous voice is finally heard because I could really just talk a lot about guys with my friends but I have to restrain myself.

This is partly because I think that as long as I don't speak about Prince with others, my feelings for him won't become real and thus I won't need to go through what I went through when I liked Law.

Well... I can't say that the attraction is not there. In fact, it is slowly starting to grow into a feeling.

He didn't show up for the morning lecture today and I really felt sad and disappointed but I just held it in and told myself to just concentrate and wait for Monday.

During the lunch break, I told Yu that I liked someone but I didn't mention the person's name.

Well... I wasn't (and probably still isn't) sure of my feelings for him but one thing for sure is that when I saw him come in late for the afternoon lecture, my heart started beating really fast.

And I was freaking blushing.

And I don't know why.

Okay, maybe I do. I just refuse to admit it.

Since I sat at the back of the class for once (and since the lecture was almost similar to the one last week) I ended up talking with another friend, Tia, who was talking about guys that she likes and I told her that I liked someone too.

Naturally, Yu overheard and both of them started to guess names and when they finally found out that it was Prince, Yu smiled.

Yu: I somehow knew it was the Hong Kong guy you were talking about when you told me that you liked someone during the lunch break!

Yu left during the 10 minute break and I took that moment to "show him" that I was in class by going in front to talk with some people. He was sitting alone today though. I wish I could sit with him haha.

When lecture started, there was a point when I wanted to look at him (since he was sitting more in front than me for once) so I turned to look to my left and I think he was looking as well, I think, because he hastily turned away to look in front.

When I answered a question in class, he turned to look at me and I got so nervous I almost stammered but I kept my cool.

I made some new friends today and one of them was going to an architectural seminar after class so I decided to follow her. I noticed that Prince had already packed his bag and I assumed that he wanted to leave early. When I left though, he was still in the classroom and I found myself wishing that he would go to the seminar as well.

Halfway through the seminar, I saw that he was sitting in front and I wondered how he got there so fast. Naturally, I wanted to talk with him after the seminar ended.

Unluckily for me though, when the seminar ended, my friend wanted to go back immediately so I didn't get the chance.

When I was putting back the chairs that we used, I looked up and then we made eye-contact cause he came over to our place to talk with a guy, who is one of the few guys that I talk with (funny how I talk to almost every guy that talks with him but I don't talk with him). There was definitely no mistake in that. He looked surprised to see me there and I was about to walk over to him and begin talking with him but I couldn't move somehow and I was forced to turn around and talk with my friend cause she didn't seem to want to talk with them.

I wonder how I looked like...

I hope that I didn't mess up my chance though.

I will do my best to fix this and I hope that I will have the courage to speak with him.

Glancing, glancing

Once again, I thought he wouldn't come today because most of his friends didn't.

And once again, he surprised me by coming today. :) And yes, just his presence in the classroom made me a whole lot more happier.

When we got into our groups during the morning lecture, I got a seat that was "in front" of him. He was at the back of class while I was in the front and we faced each other for awhile.

Naturally, I took a couple of glances at him and I think he noticed a bit but I made sure to cover up by staring at other people a lot though I don't know if that actually helps or not.

And I don't know why, throughout that whole time we were facing each other, I felt like he looked my way a couple of times.

One time, while I was looking down, I could see him leaning back from the corner of my eye so my natural instincts told me to look up in his direction and when I did, he hastily returned to his normal sitting position.

I managed to restrain myself a lot from looking at him in the afternoon, especially when he was only a metre away, talking with some guys who were in the same row as me. I just concentrated on my work and forced myself to be truly engrossed in sticking paper scotch tape to my rulers (very important trick for architects!).

I like his voice, even though it isn't as charismatic as Law's. He is extremely polite and gentle in the way that he uses his words, even around those younger than him.

He's an Aries though, so he's supposed to be all confident and cocky but I haven't seen that side of him yet.

Apparently Aries and Capricorn don't make a good couple either but apparently Virgo (Law) is good with Capricorn. Nothing happened though between me and Law so I don't really believe in the horoscope thing for love and relationships.

And now to draw a bit before going to sleep. :)

Change, maybe I don't really like it

But in the end, it is necessary sometimes.

I went through a lot of bad events today and I broke down in a park but I got up and went on my way. I need to stand tall.

Somehow, all those events made me feel a bit more mature in some sense.

For one, I don't think I'm afraid anymore to speak with people. I don't know why. This fear just got cured today.

I'm feeling a bit better now because at the end of the lecture today I got to see Prince for around 10 minutes.

It was cause he had to ask the lecturer some questions regarding his project I guess and my group mates for a different class stayed behind in the lecture hall to discuss our project.

I didn't openly stare at him and I only glanced his way once or twice so I don't think I was obvious in any way.

There wasn't much opportunity for me to talk with him today. Maybe tomorrow.

Smile. Don't think. Talk.

I've more or less gotten over the embarrassing Wednesday event now. I spent most of my holidays reading manga online and doing my homework which is a win-win for me.

I'll get to see Prince today. :)

Ana and another guy (well, he's a man because he's 40 something) talked with me about this and both of them said that I just need to be brave and speak up. And that I shouldn't think too much.

Ana said to me "El que piensa pierde" which means, "He who thinks, loses."

The other guy said that if I like someone, I should just like them, regardless of age (Prince is 21 by the way). Well, it's true in some ways but I have to consider other possibilities, right?

I really don't want this to happen like Law's case.

So, when I get an opportunity to speak, like if he sits behind me or something like that, no matter how scared I am, I will definitely speak with him.

I already had two chances gone to waste.

1. The time when he sat behind me during the Architectural Representation Studio. That day, he (I think) looked my way once during the afternoon class.

2. Again when he sat behind me during the Elements of Architecture class when he was being all talkative. I should've asked him about the Biennale.

All in all, I will do my best to talk with and to sincerely make friends with other people.

Let's see how today goes.

Probably ruined all my chances

Ton of assignments. Suddenly was told I didn't have enough years to be in university. How am I supposed to deal with this?

Above it all, I bet, I seriously bet, no guy in my class would ever think I'm datable ever.

Why?

I climbed over the metal wall that can also be used as a table and a chair to get to my seat. Twice.

The second time, Prince saw me.

So good bye to having any hope of him ever thinking that I'm attractive.

Maybe I did that on purpose. I don't know.

I am like such a tomboy and I can't be cute and sexy. I have absolutely no idea how to be cute and sexy.

Life is screwed up now.