Out of the blue

I was having my lunch when I got a phone call from one of the friends I made during the exhibition and she asked me if I'd like to hang out with her and her Greek friend and naturally the old me wanted to protest but I found myself croaking out a weak "Yes", partly due to my illness.

Which is why I found myself shopping with the both of them, walking round and round the shops and talking about random stuff.

On a side note, this made me wonder why the heck do girls bring their boyfriend to shop on the basis of wanting to "spend more time together"? I really feel sorry for all those men and I'm thankful that I'm not a shopaholic because then my ideal date wouldn't be one that my boyfriend will despise.

Anyway, let's go back to the main point.

Eventually the topic of guys came up and I more or less admitted that I was interested in Al and the friend was surprised and said that he is a nice guy.

And then she mentioned that she heard that he was interested in another woman who was at the exhibition helping out as well and even though I know that that particular woman is already in a relationship and is way older than him, I couldn't help but hear my heart sink a little. And it doesn't help that she's a model as well.

On a positive note, I feel more inspired to be healthier and prettier but even though I am not that interested in him compared to the other guys I've wrote about, I just felt a bit sad. It's as though all the guys I'm interested in have no interest in me.

I think I also felt disappointed by the fact that I thought that he was interested in me and now I fully suspect that he was just being friendly.

And come on Beth, do you really think that him liking your photo on your Facebook means anything? You're such a fool and you know that and yet you still allow yourself to place your hopes on a freaking shooting star.

But... But... The friend said something that got me thinking.

She also said that he's actually a shy person, well, seems like the type to be a shy person.

So if he is a shy person, why did he add me on Facebook only after knowing me for two days and was all chummy around me? The woman that he is (or was, I don't know) interested in only came on the third and fourth day which I don't know what my point is in bringing that up except maybe that he noticed me. But maybe after that he lost all interest.

Or he just wasn't even interested at all since shy guys tend to be even more shy around people they like.

Or if my theory is right and he is a bit like me, then he should have a bit of interest in me. Oh my brain, you make me laugh.

And this is when I think I should be better off as a lesbian cause one, I talk much more easier to girls and two, I can never get the guy I'm interested in to be interested in me.

It gives me a useless headache just thinking about it.

Why oh why are you just a helplessly desperate romantic???

Anyway, I'll be going out for an aperitif this Wednesday and for a dinner on Friday and as much as I'd like to deny it, I'm hoping to find someone to connect with. Oh man am I such a fail. My calender is actually starting to be less empty and I'm being more sociable but somehow I feel like I'm being pushed more into a dark corner.

Darn it. Where is the flashlight?

Coward

Why is it that I get so revved up to do something but when it comes to the time to actually do it my courage falters?

As you can definitely guess, I did not ask him the question and this is mainly due to the fact that I am scared of rejection as much as I hate to admit it.

He only came for the afternoon lecture today but I didn't glance at him a lot this time because I talked more to the people who were in my row while he was in the middle row where Yu was as well.

The only time we actually made eye-contact was at the end of class. Technically, class was over for around 10 minutes already but around 10 of us stuck around to finish a question that our lecturer gave (which I will attempt to do after this) and he stayed back as well.

When I was leaving, I said my farewells to some friends and then I said to Yu "Good bye, Yu!!!" and at that he looked up and we made eye-contact but I broke it off mainly because I knew that for him it doesn't mean anything.

And now the way that I'm typing things out makes me wonder if I still like him. I'm sure somewhere somehow, I do still like him but I am definitely rational enough to not expect anything to happen.

I just felt a bit happy that he took notice when I said bye to Yu cause that somehow translates to me that he might have wanted me to say bye to him as well and that he might consider me as a friend as well.

Typing that out kind of reassures me to ask him. I do hope that if I do see him online later I will just go ahead and ask him. Besides (even if I wanted to) I don't have any ulterior motives other than to work with him because he seems like a really good partner to work with.

I'll just ask him. Hopefully I won't chicken out this time.

Also, Carl tried to approach me again today by switching seats to sit nearer to where we were sitting in the front row from his back row seat. He sat next to one of my guy friends and it was really pointless for him to do so because he didn't even concentrate on class but was rather rude because he played with his phone in front of class. Definitely not my type.

Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but he really tried to portray the nice guy image even though he isn't really. During the trip to Switzerland, while we were still in Fläsch, I was about to get into the bus when I heard sounds of someone running and when I turned around I saw him running and pretending to play with a dog behind a fence and he was calling out to the dog and being friendly and everything but it kind of failed because the dog barked at him. :|

I think I mentioned something previously about the girls in my class all crowding around a British guy during break time in our Math lecture awhile ago. Regarding that, I finally got the chance to talk with him today (cause I really wanted to) and I felt kind of glad that I did succeed in that small victory. :)

He's from Australia actually but he really has a British accent hahahaha. We got talking a bit because I was sitting and talking with some of my friends when he sat behind us and at that moment I was explaining how too much Nutella made me ill (I have the flu now sadly) and he joined in.

I find him very friendly and it's a real pity that he's only an exchange student because I think that we could become really good friends because he really seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Okay, I shall try to tackle the question after this. Being a bit more free than usual makes me feel a bit tense and even though I'm lazy to, I know I must do something in order to not feel too useless. If it weren't for my flu I'm sure I could've understood class even better today.

Two roads

After that big mental breakdown yesterday, I am surprisingly more calmer today.

Also, I am now 60% sure that Carl is interested in me.

One; The lecturer was taking the attendance and calling out our names and even though Carl was aware that I was in class, he still turned around to look at me of which I was indifferent to.

Two; While it was break and I was probably just at the beginning phase of being asleep, I heard someone call my name but it was very blurry and then I heard my name a second time and I recognised that it was his voice and I did want to respond, to be polite, but by the time my mind realised that it had to respond he said "Never mind."

Three; Prince came late and sat down next to Carl and they both started talking in fairly audible voices so I grew more awake and I eavesdropped their conversation. I couldn't really hear clearly but at one point I could make out the words "She's sleeping?" or something like that and after that, both of their voices became so low I just gave up on trying to listen in.

When I woke up later, Carl didn't say anything to me so yeah, whatever it was that he wanted to say to me earlier on wasn't important hence, he wanted to make a conversation with me.

Thinking too much? Maybe. But the possibility is there.

And now that it is, it makes it even harder for me to get Prince to like me, I think.

So I have decided that if I do see him online tonight and if I just feel okay and alright, I'll Facebook chat him and just talk. Talk about what? I don't know but I'll just make up something.

If I were to get rejected, it's fine. I'm sick of playing mind games with myself and I'd rather just get this out as soon as possible so that I can concentrate on other things.

That is all. We'll see how things will go.

Screwed up... big time maybe

So yesterday I came a bit late to Maths class with Xia so I immediately took the vacant front row seat at the side of the hall because I didn't want to make too much hassle by going to the middle where Yu was. I actually only noticed her when I took my seat so yeah.

A few minutes later, Prince came in and he took the seat next to me but we were separated by the aisle so technically we weren't really sitting next to each other.

I wanted to talk with him during our short break but I didn't have the guts to and Tia came over to my place so I ended up talking with her while he went off to talk with some other guys. I guess he's getting closer to Carl since there isn't anyone else that he talks to much, not even Acia's friend. Acia's still not back yet, I guess he must be missing her.

Then when we resumed the lesson, I did my best to pay attention but I felt really sleepy. At one point, when I tried to uncap my pen, it flew off to his direction and landed under his chair. He picked it up for me and I said 'Thank you' and gave him a smile but he looked really wary of me for some reason.

I didn't do that on purpose, really. I wouldn't want to get a guy's attention in that way.

Then as soon as it was lunch break, I asked him how long had he been sick for (since he was sniffling throughout class) and if he was on medication to which he gave really short answers and the atmosphere after that was kind of awkward.

I changed my seat after that to sit next to Yu and when I got out of class, I stupidly went in the same direction as him but I pretended to not notice him so I walked faster and pretended to look like I was in a real hurry or something.

I think I was angry with him and really, why should I get angry with him? He didn't do anything wrong to me.

I really feel like I pissed him off and I want to say sorry to him but June said that me asking him about his health already shows that I am highly interested in him so I'm thankful I didn't listen to Helen's advice about chatting him up on Facebook.

But then again, why do I have to be discreet about whether or not I like him? Why can't I just be honest?

I don't know the rules of the game at all.

On one hand, I want to chat with him and on the other I don't want to appear too eager or anything like that.

I really don't know.

It's like I was making progress and then I cut down every single bit that I had done and now I'm at the starting point again.

My mind is so messed up now. I don't know how to make this better.

I guess I'll never be good enough for guys that are my type.

Why does it always turn out this way?

Glancing, glancing

Once again, I thought he wouldn't come today because most of his friends didn't.

And once again, he surprised me by coming today. :) And yes, just his presence in the classroom made me a whole lot more happier.

When we got into our groups during the morning lecture, I got a seat that was "in front" of him. He was at the back of class while I was in the front and we faced each other for awhile.

Naturally, I took a couple of glances at him and I think he noticed a bit but I made sure to cover up by staring at other people a lot though I don't know if that actually helps or not.

And I don't know why, throughout that whole time we were facing each other, I felt like he looked my way a couple of times.

One time, while I was looking down, I could see him leaning back from the corner of my eye so my natural instincts told me to look up in his direction and when I did, he hastily returned to his normal sitting position.

I managed to restrain myself a lot from looking at him in the afternoon, especially when he was only a metre away, talking with some guys who were in the same row as me. I just concentrated on my work and forced myself to be truly engrossed in sticking paper scotch tape to my rulers (very important trick for architects!).

I like his voice, even though it isn't as charismatic as Law's. He is extremely polite and gentle in the way that he uses his words, even around those younger than him.

He's an Aries though, so he's supposed to be all confident and cocky but I haven't seen that side of him yet.

Apparently Aries and Capricorn don't make a good couple either but apparently Virgo (Law) is good with Capricorn. Nothing happened though between me and Law so I don't really believe in the horoscope thing for love and relationships.

And now to draw a bit before going to sleep. :)

Not taking a risk

Short post. :)


I thought I'd text him yesterday but I didn't after all.


Why?

Rainie: Okay why do you want to text him?

Me: To see his reaction.

Rainie: Beth, this is Skye. I would advice you to not send him anything because unless your intention is to let him know you're interested in him then it is a bad idea. Honestly if you're going to do all this you might as well confess to him. Rainie said the second part.

Me: I know I shouldn't. But I don't know why I want to. I think he already found out a long time ago and yet he's treating me very nice.

Rainie: It's not the same as you actually telling him and maybe he's trying not to embarrass you. Seriously just confess la it's be better.

Me: I think I'll confess after his exams are over. I think that's better.

Rainie: Okay then you are not allowed to say good luck.

Still uncertain as to whether I made the correct decision or not.

I'm scared of course cause I'll probably get rejected but then again I need to just shoot the gun already.

I'm just going to see how he reacts when he sees me tomorrow.

I thought his exams started today but actually it only starts tomorrow.

He's been slacking though.

I pray for him everyday.

Going to sleep in 30 or so minutes cause I need my rest and hopefully I'll continue to work hard to become a person that he will want to get to know.

Dream Boy

I keep dreaming about him lately and all of those dreams were good dreams.


Throughout this past holiday, I've been thinking about everything I did and looking back now I realise that I've came a long way considering the fact that I was previously in an all girl's school and that I barely communicated with guys.


I also finally truly realise how obvious I was.


And then when I realised that, I realised that he treated me very nicely throughout this whole time and whenever I was near him.


I realised that he always does smile when I talk and that he is definitely more hyper when he's around me.


When I watched Spongebob Squarepants today, it was his voice ringing in my ears when the theme song came out and I smiled cause I remembered the time that he and Ray sang it while we were cleaning up the Election Board room (it was only the three of us).


Anyway, I narrowed it down to four three conclusions.


1. He's very flattered that someone likes him and he wants to play around a bit.
2. He's being nice to me cause he knows that I'll be hurt if he just rejects me.
3. He doesn't mind me liking him.
4. He's interested in me as well.


Just putting the fourth one up there cause I have to be somewhat true to myself.


I don't know if I should text him good luck tomorrow.


I probably will but I'm going to ask for my sisters' opinions and Helen and June's opinions as well.


I mean, if I've already dug a hole for myself, I should just go ahead and make it deeper right?


Taking chances as usual.


He's making me change for the better though and that's a plus.


Hopefully my face will clear up more before I see him in two days time cause I don't want him to laugh at me although I highly doubt he will cause he is such a nice guy.


I wish I didn't screw up our friendship's beginning.

Sumire no Blue

I felt like reading Obata Yuuki's Sumire no Blue just now.


I haven't read mangas in a long time so it took awhile for me to get adjusted to it.


But all in all, I can finally relate to that story. Like for real.


I could never understand the whole "I like him, I hope he doesn't hate me" and "I won't give up on liking him" and all that.


For girls who are in a bit of a love dilemma and for those who are uncertain about what to do to act on your feelings, you guys will be able to relate to this manga very well.


I know I did. I got several heartcramps and I almost felt like crying.


Cause I know, I really do know, exactly how she felt.




But why did I really feel like reading that?




Well, today, I felt like I just had to text him after I saw what Ivy posted on his timeline.




I saw him early in the morning with Ray at the assembly hall, studying for their trials today and I did my best to not look in his direction. Then, when June came, we both went upstairs but then after we placed our bags in the lecture hall, we went back down cause I needed to buy paper clips and sweets (they keep me awake during lectures).


So when we were going back, I stopped by the table where I usually sit at in the morning while waiting for everyone to come to show Helen my sweets.


And she confiscated them.


So I got a little bit crazy cause I really needed to keep myself awake with them but she only gave me three sweets.


And I fell asleep during Biology because of that. Haha.


Anyway, June and I went back up after that.




Then, I asked June whether or not I should text him but she discouraged me saying that it would be too obvious and she gave other reasons as well so my courage faded and I got disheartened.


I went to the washroom towards the end of the second lecture and when I came out, Sasha also happened to come out and she smiled at me.

Sasha: Hey. :)

Me: Hey hey. :)

Sasha: Did you know what happened when you went up just now?

Me: Huh?

Sasha: When Helen was confiscating your sweets?

Me: What happened?

Sasha: When you went up, he kept on looking at our table.

Me: Are you sure?

Sasha: Yes.

And then I got so much energy and positive feelings from all of those.

So during the first break, I sat with Helen and a couple of other friends (although I'm not really close with those guys) as well as Roy and also with another one of my friends who knows about Law, Trish.

I updated Trish abut Law and then she said that I should just text him.

I typed out a text and my thumb was hovering around the 'send' button so Helen got impatient and she just pressed my thumb.

And then I hid my phone.

And when I heard my message tone, I didn't even bother to check cause I just squealed.

Helen checked it for me and she confirmed that it was indeed him.

Here are the few texts that we sent each other back and forth.

Me: Hey hey.  :)  How was exam just now?

Law: Physics... Killer.... My god it was worst than chemistry.

Me: What paper was it oh? Paper 2? Can't imagine anything worse than chemistry. :S

Law: Its paper 4 which is kinda like paper 2. We dont have objective anymore...

Me: That sucks like bad. At least you got Wednesday!  :)  So no test for one day. Darnigans. Just realised you're in exam now.

Okay, you should know something.

I only got brave enough to do that cause I thought that he would have left college as soon as the first paper ended.

But he didn't.

And I got the shock of my life when I saw that he was still standing outside the exam hall so Trish and I walked immediately into our lecture hall which is right across the exam hall.

When I told Ariel what I did, she told me that before I came and after I went into the lecture hall, he seemed to be always staring in the lecture hall's direction.

And he was one of the last ones to go inside the hall together with Ray.

His last message came at 10.27 am and his exam was supposed to start at 10.10 am.

Was he waiting for my reply???

For now, I can confirm that he really does know that it's me who's sending the messages.

Just remembered something, when he was talking with Ray while I was on my way up with Trish (after I replied him) when I saw him and he was smiling and grinning together with Ray.

He replied to me when I got inside the lecture hall.

I was blushing throughout that whole time.

I really don't know what to think of my situation now.

I'm currently talking with one of my old primary school mates, Mandy. Amazing how we can still talk very much like how we used to (except on a much more grown up level) and I'm telling her about Law cause she saw my journal on deviantart.

Also, my Chinese horoscope for today was this: Your love life is about to get extremely interesting today. If you are still single, you may meet someone whose religious beliefs, values or moral traditions are different from yours. Keep an open mind, they might not be as different as you think.

And tomorrow it's this: It's a very romantic day today. You will be a bit scattered and day-dreamy, with your head in the clouds. Fortunately for you there is an old fuddy-duddy in your family who grabs you by the ankles and pulls you back down to earth at moments like this.

And supposedly, throughout this week, it's a very good romantic week.

I must not think too much. Really.

But Sumire no Blue really gave me hope.

Like I shouldn't give up on him.

I'll just see where all of this falls into place.

There is an uncertainty

Do I really like him?


That's what I wonder to myself a lot these days.


I don't get much butterflies in my stomach when I see him and I don't think about him as much as I used to.


But then, when I do think about him, even the smallest things, I smile automatically.


I'm also going to seriously start to take even better care of myself because you know why? I care about what he thinks of me and I want him to think that I'm pretty. I want him to notice me and talk with me.


It's things like these that reminds me that I still do like him.


I think I'm only feeling a bit sad cause we don't really talk much to each other as much as I want to.


Maybe I'm only feeling this way cause he didn't reply to my text but then again, at least he did the first time.


Maybe I'm only feeling this way cause he added another junior but as of now, I don't think that she likes him.


At least, you know, we did interact with each other.


And I don't know why, but, I feel like I must keep holding on because I feel that something's about to happen and if I stop now, I might let something wonderfully magical pass by.


So, for now, I will be patient and wait. :)

I've been punked?

Cutting things short (cause it's late and all my initial happy energy had disappeared), Law replied my text literally the minute he got out from his test.


This was how it went.

Me: Good luck for your trials tomorrow Law. :) You can do it!

Law: Haha thanks im gonna need it. Trials was hell lol. Good luck for your too, abit late haha but it would have to do.

Me: I bet it was since it was Chemistry. XD In what way is it late? Our exams haven't started. Thank you! :)

The end.

The amazing thing is that when Angel replied to my "Good Luck" text, she only said "Thank you!!!  :) ".

Why is that amazing?

It's cause I've talked more and communicated more with Angel then I have with Law and he replied me with a long text and he even wished me good luck even though I'm not sitting for any test currently.

And the text that I sent Angel was even longer than the one that I sent to Law.

And so I got excited and I thought that he'd reply me but he didn't.

Was it because I said "Thank you!!!" at the end, which could imply that I don't want to text with him anymore?

But I asked him a question didn't I?

And again, how sure can I be that he knows it's me? I mean, does he know that that's my number? Shouldn't he know that only the year twos are having trials now? So, does that mean he thinks I'm someone else?

But in my first message, I already implied that it was "his" trials and not mine so shouldn't that say that I'm not taking my test?

Yes, these thoughts were plaguing my mind and now it has me thinking that he's pranking me.

But he's a really nice guy and I don't think that he'd do that.

But yet again, the words he used to text me were slightly different then usual that is, if I compare them to the comment he made on my status.

Also, I just found out that I'm no longer the only year one from the Election Board who's his Facebook friend and I feel quite upset because of that.

Maybe that's the girl who likes him as well.

You know what? Maybe I'm over thinking too much.

I'm just going to think believe that he knows it was me who sent the text and that he's too busy studying to reply.

Also, since he did reply to the text, this means that it'll be okay if I comment on certain stuff that he posts up and like them (not all the time of course) and this also means that he doesn't hate me and that I can say "Hi" to him at school.

Summer said that him sending me a long text is a good sign but it's too early to say anything for sure.

She said "If some random person texted me 'Good Luck' I would have said 'Haha thanks' but that would be all."

I must think good thoughts about him!

Even my prediction says so: Happiness can be found with someone near when you look closely and discover the good in their heart.

I must remember how happy I felt when I got his text.

I literally rolled around and squealed to June and then I told Jean, Lee Anne, Elva, Sasha and another girl who is Elva's classmate and Jean, Lee Anne and Sasha kept on complaining that I only listened to Ariel (the classmate whom I always sit with in class and who knows about Law) because thanks to her, I got the courage to text Law.

Anyway, I must sleep now cause it's almost half-past two in the morning.

Night.

Must not think too much!!!!!