I never thought it would be possible again to feel my heart thumping that hard

First, to anyone who comes across this blog and for the really diligent humans who bother to go through all my posts, you guys make my day, in one way or another.
I feel like my tiny, anonymous voice is finally heard because I could really just talk a lot about guys with my friends but I have to restrain myself.

This is partly because I think that as long as I don't speak about Prince with others, my feelings for him won't become real and thus I won't need to go through what I went through when I liked Law.

Well... I can't say that the attraction is not there. In fact, it is slowly starting to grow into a feeling.

He didn't show up for the morning lecture today and I really felt sad and disappointed but I just held it in and told myself to just concentrate and wait for Monday.

During the lunch break, I told Yu that I liked someone but I didn't mention the person's name.

Well... I wasn't (and probably still isn't) sure of my feelings for him but one thing for sure is that when I saw him come in late for the afternoon lecture, my heart started beating really fast.

And I was freaking blushing.

And I don't know why.

Okay, maybe I do. I just refuse to admit it.

Since I sat at the back of the class for once (and since the lecture was almost similar to the one last week) I ended up talking with another friend, Tia, who was talking about guys that she likes and I told her that I liked someone too.

Naturally, Yu overheard and both of them started to guess names and when they finally found out that it was Prince, Yu smiled.

Yu: I somehow knew it was the Hong Kong guy you were talking about when you told me that you liked someone during the lunch break!

Yu left during the 10 minute break and I took that moment to "show him" that I was in class by going in front to talk with some people. He was sitting alone today though. I wish I could sit with him haha.

When lecture started, there was a point when I wanted to look at him (since he was sitting more in front than me for once) so I turned to look to my left and I think he was looking as well, I think, because he hastily turned away to look in front.

When I answered a question in class, he turned to look at me and I got so nervous I almost stammered but I kept my cool.

I made some new friends today and one of them was going to an architectural seminar after class so I decided to follow her. I noticed that Prince had already packed his bag and I assumed that he wanted to leave early. When I left though, he was still in the classroom and I found myself wishing that he would go to the seminar as well.

Halfway through the seminar, I saw that he was sitting in front and I wondered how he got there so fast. Naturally, I wanted to talk with him after the seminar ended.

Unluckily for me though, when the seminar ended, my friend wanted to go back immediately so I didn't get the chance.

When I was putting back the chairs that we used, I looked up and then we made eye-contact cause he came over to our place to talk with a guy, who is one of the few guys that I talk with (funny how I talk to almost every guy that talks with him but I don't talk with him). There was definitely no mistake in that. He looked surprised to see me there and I was about to walk over to him and begin talking with him but I couldn't move somehow and I was forced to turn around and talk with my friend cause she didn't seem to want to talk with them.

I wonder how I looked like...

I hope that I didn't mess up my chance though.

I will do my best to fix this and I hope that I will have the courage to speak with him.

Smile. Don't think. Talk.

I've more or less gotten over the embarrassing Wednesday event now. I spent most of my holidays reading manga online and doing my homework which is a win-win for me.

I'll get to see Prince today. :)

Ana and another guy (well, he's a man because he's 40 something) talked with me about this and both of them said that I just need to be brave and speak up. And that I shouldn't think too much.

Ana said to me "El que piensa pierde" which means, "He who thinks, loses."

The other guy said that if I like someone, I should just like them, regardless of age (Prince is 21 by the way). Well, it's true in some ways but I have to consider other possibilities, right?

I really don't want this to happen like Law's case.

So, when I get an opportunity to speak, like if he sits behind me or something like that, no matter how scared I am, I will definitely speak with him.

I already had two chances gone to waste.

1. The time when he sat behind me during the Architectural Representation Studio. That day, he (I think) looked my way once during the afternoon class.

2. Again when he sat behind me during the Elements of Architecture class when he was being all talkative. I should've asked him about the Biennale.

All in all, I will do my best to talk with and to sincerely make friends with other people.

Let's see how today goes.

The Grin

Okay.


Let me go through this chronologically and I hope that I'll get to remember every single detail as tired as I am right now.


During the second break, Law had to take his class photo wearing an office outfit and somehow, I really wanted to see him in that kind of outfit because, that was kind of what he wore when I first met him at the Mooting competition last year.


So as I was going down the stairs to the ground floor, I saw that he was standing in front of the staircase, talking with his friends and so I looked at him.


And then, he looked at me as well.


And as usual, I averted my eyes but when I looked back at him, he was looking elsewhere so I just took a deep breath and continued walking towards the canteen.


Then, I chose a seat where I could see him from the canteen and then Elva and Jean joined me.


Then, June came up to me and said "You guys should come and sit over here where Anne (another friend of mine who knows about Law) is. She's alone."


I must tell you, I was torn between remaining at my seat and sitting with Anne and June but then I remembered what Barney said and I quote "Bros before hoes" so I got up and dragged Jean with me to sit with Anne and June.


We made small talk after that but we kind of focused on eating lunch.


Then, I saw Law pass by and he sat at a table two tables away in front of me with his back facing me cause he was talking with his friends.


When I looked away to my left, I saw Susie (one of my seniors who took care of my group during the Leadership Camp) and then I got all happy and stood up, clutching Catching Fire in my hands.

Me: Susie! *She turned around and looked at me* Here you go!

Susie: Oh! Thank you so much!

Me: Your welcome! I'm so sorry I had it for such a long time and I only gave it to you now.

Susie: Oh, it's okay.

Me: I 'll give you Mockingjay as soon as I finish reading it and I'm very close to finishing it already.

Susie: Oh, thank you!

Jean: Oh, you like Hunger Games as well?

Susie: Yes.

Me: Are you going to go watch it this Thursday? I think the weekends are probably fully booked already.

Jean: Thursday's the premier right?

Me: Ya, but I only got us the third show at 6.10 pm.

Susie: Oh, I'm going to watch it on Friday.

And somehow, it got a bit awkward cause I was talking with Susie and Jean was kind of interrupting our conversation so in order to not make it awkward I said "Bye" to Susie in a happy voice and she smiled back before walking away.

To Law's table.

I have no idea why I was just staring at her from the moment she walked away but when she sat down beside Law and started talking about stuff, it took me a full minute to realise she was talking with him.

And that he was holding Catching Fire with his two hands.

I think she handed it to him before she sat down and began talking with him.

And I also have no idea why, but, I just kept on looking at the both of them talking and smiling and laughing.

And that was when the unexpected happen.

Law did a full 180 degree turn to face behind him and then he looked at me.

And he gave me a huge grin.

It took my brain a long time to process this thought and I'm still not sure what emotion was portrayed on my face when that happened (most probably shock).

But the next thing I knew, I bent my head down and I sought for the shelter of the crook of my arm.

And I was blushing.

Since I'm not really fair or anything, when I blush, it's not really that obvious but when I finally looked up (the head bending thing probably lasted for only 5 seconds but it felt like hours), my cheeks were feeling hot.

I know that I wasn't dreaming because June and Anne were there.

The minute he grinned at me, both of them said "OMG BETH HE'S SMILING AT YOU."

And then they both proceeded to console me by saying that he indeed looked at me and smiled at me.

I knew my blush was serious because June said to me "OMG BETH YOU'RE BLUSHING!!!" and when I reached up to touch my cheeks, they were extremely hot. 

My whole face was hot.

And they remained hot all the way till school ended.

Now when I touch my cheeks, I'm wondering, how the hell did they get so freaking hot?!

Law turned to face the front after that and began reading the book by opening the pages slightly and he continued to hold it when Susie went to buy her food up till the moment Susie returned with her food.

Anyway, when Law got up to leave and passed by me, I realised that I needed to find Angel to give her her invitation to the party on Saturday so I got up and after sending my plates to the basin, June and I began to walk to the main entrance.

I thought that Law would be way ahead of me by then but there he was, right in front of me as we were climbing up the stairs.

He got off at the third floor with his friends though while June and I continued to go up but I somehow felt like I was being watched but I didn't dare to look down.

And that's that.

I can't believe I acted so stupidly like a huge fool in front of him.

I should've smiled back at him, give him two thumbs up (which is what I normally do) and then I should have tried to strike up a conversation with him regarding Catching Fire.

That book now has his essence all over it. XD

But in a way, I was being me but I just hope that he doesn't think I'm rude.

Because there are two possible things that he might have thought of then.

A] He thought I was rude and weird.

B] He knows I like him.

I was clutching my face and head so much that another one of my seniors (let's call her Blair) had to ask me if I was under stress or something. So I told her about what happened in a summarised form but I left out his name.

Then she said, "Why don't you just say "Hi!" the next time you see him?" to which I responded by saying "He-He's a scary guy."

And then I turned around and fled.

Okay, I'll just stop here for now cause it's almost 12.30 am and I'm getting my SPM results in 10 hours and I need to look presentable at least.

I hope that I'll get another chance like this and I pray that I won't be stupid then.

His smile really made my day and just thinking about what happened makes me super happy. :)


PS. I actually really wanted to give Susie the book yesterday but looks like it was a good thing I didn't. God had different plans for me. My lecturers told me that I will be awarded with happiness while we were attending morning prayer. Looks like it came true! :)


Also, June said I look a bit like Ivy. Whaaaaaaat?