Wariness

I really do believe that Prince knows that I liked him. Still not sure if the word 'like' is a past-tense for me but it seems safer to go with it although at some points today I felt like I was falling for him again. Not just today though, for the previous days as well but nevertheless, I won't do anything irrational.

Why do I believe in that fact?

Today in class, he sat behind me instead of in the middle as usual because some other people were occupying his usual spot where he sits with one of my guy friends (again we have the same circles but we can never seem to make our own :|).

When the morning lecture ended, I turned around in my seat to try and locate Tia because I needed to talk with her about our project and when I did, Prince turned to look at me but I didn't want to make eye-contact with him so when I found Tia, I got out from my seat and went to her place which was the row immediately behind Prince's.

Then I began talking with her about the project in a normal tone and every now and then, it seemed as though he was listening in to the conversation and he even turned a bit I think.

Also at the end of the day, I said bye to Yu and he turned to look for a bit but since I don't usually say 'bye' to him or to my other guy friend, I didn't bother to.

In a way, I guess you can say that I'm avoiding him though I don't really know why. There're a couple of good reasons in my head but somehow they don't seem to fit into the way I'd like to express the reason for this constant evasion.

Most probably because he treated me a bit harshly (oh how dramatic) or I'm just too lazy to try to build a friendship but regardless of all of that, I somehow know he's wary of me.

I also talked a bit with the Australian guy and I really thought that I'd get attracted to him or something since he's a pretty boy (which is somehow almost always the kind of guy that I'd go for) but I didn't get any of those nerve-wrecking feelings.

Which in fact manifested in small quantities today when I thought about Prince.

But anyway, I wonder when will be the next time that I'll get these feelings again. Life seems too still without them.

Aftermath

This is not good. It isn't good for my mental health and all.

Sure I feel more inspired to become even better, which is what happens when I start to like someone, but then it'll raise my hopes too high up and then when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to, then I'll get super depressed, I just know it.

This whole heart thumping sensation I'm feeling was made worse when Anna and I watched Pride and Prejudice last night. Nope. That most certainly didn't help at all.

Even over the smallest things, like reading a shoujo manga or even logging on to Facebook, makes me happy. Happy with the thought that he does know me. That he recognises me. That at one point, he wanted to chat with me.

And yes, that might have been a one time thing but really, I'm still happy just the same.

Why did he chat with me? I really don't think it was obligatory for him to chat up with me just to know how my test went. Is he really doing this just for kicks? Or does he find it interesting? Chatting with me that is.

I can really feel my heartbeats quickening and I can even hear them.

In all the dreams I've ever had at night, I always ran away from someone I like and I never tried to approach them like on a one-to-one basis.

The fact that he treated me nice could be just his personality to treat everyone nice, I have to keep that in mind.

This is when I think back to the times when I first began to properly like guys I actually talked with.

The first one, Randy, turned out to be bisexual. He knew I liked him and he even talked with me and was really nice to me even when I was so obviously having a crush on him. He still treated me as a friend but he never did do anything in response to my feelings. That was in 2010. I think it started in August and ended in December although the trip to South Korea was in October. We even went to the library to study together after coming back from the trip, with another friend of course.

The second one, Law, already had feelings for another girl, which I'm guessing is Ivy. Again, he was super nice to me even when I was so despairingly obvious but he maintained that senior-junior relationship. I still feel embarrassed that he put up with my behaviour. One day when I meet him again, I will definitely apologise for causing so much trouble to him. That was in 2012 which started in January and ended in August even though I didn't talk much with him and stopped seeing him around in June.

Third, Prince. I have yet to find out what will happen. This feeling started in October 2012 and it's still going on till now so that'd make it almost 5 months. What if he's interested but I lose interest? Huge what-ifs but it's possible even though I wouldn't want that to happen.

I've been single for the past 19 years and it's because almost all the guys I liked/like didn't like me back in that way. It's not as if I'm a piece of rotten fish.

The first guy who liked me, Greg, has a different religion than me. He talked to me all the time while we were practicing our dance for the exchange student trip to South Korea and approached me all the time, even on Facebook. But, being the blunt girl that I am, I didn't realise that he liked me. Someone had to point it out to me during the trip and even when they gave me clues like his initials, I named other people and not him because I didn't suspect it at all. This was in 2010.

The second, Liam. I'm still not so sure about this but there were times when he sat down and just talked with me alone, like the time when we were making tofu during the exchange student trip and I went outside and he followed. Also, in one of the pictures we took together, he had his arm hanging awkwardly on my shoulder and he even held my hands as we went down the hill while we were gathering dead plants (sounds so bad, I know) as decoration for our handicrafts. Again, 2010.

The third one, Roy. Even before he got my number and texted me, I somehow knew that he was trying to get my attention cause when we held our cheer practice, he got extremely noisy in my presence and I think his friend, our cheer captain, stationed him behind me to help him out. I was pretty mean to him since I made it obvious that I liked Law at that time but he was pretty mean to me in the end as well hahaha. I don't blame him.

And so, the archive of my so called love life in summary is kind of completed. There're a couple of other people I left out because it was either I didn't like them very seriously or I'm not sure if they liked me or not since they were just rumours.

Wow. To think that all of those seemed like a long period of time and are already in the past. Those seconds and minutes went by in the blink of an eye and here I am, still moving forwards.

When I began this post, I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling right now (heartbeating and all that) but it turned out to be this story-telling time instead hahahaha. I did plan on doing this though, not in this way, but I guess it works.

I guess the next thing to do on my agenda is to type out all of Law's messages to me because I'd like to see myself squirm in embarrassment. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I shall get back to my work now.

I never thought it would be possible again to feel my heart thumping that hard

First, to anyone who comes across this blog and for the really diligent humans who bother to go through all my posts, you guys make my day, in one way or another.
I feel like my tiny, anonymous voice is finally heard because I could really just talk a lot about guys with my friends but I have to restrain myself.

This is partly because I think that as long as I don't speak about Prince with others, my feelings for him won't become real and thus I won't need to go through what I went through when I liked Law.

Well... I can't say that the attraction is not there. In fact, it is slowly starting to grow into a feeling.

He didn't show up for the morning lecture today and I really felt sad and disappointed but I just held it in and told myself to just concentrate and wait for Monday.

During the lunch break, I told Yu that I liked someone but I didn't mention the person's name.

Well... I wasn't (and probably still isn't) sure of my feelings for him but one thing for sure is that when I saw him come in late for the afternoon lecture, my heart started beating really fast.

And I was freaking blushing.

And I don't know why.

Okay, maybe I do. I just refuse to admit it.

Since I sat at the back of the class for once (and since the lecture was almost similar to the one last week) I ended up talking with another friend, Tia, who was talking about guys that she likes and I told her that I liked someone too.

Naturally, Yu overheard and both of them started to guess names and when they finally found out that it was Prince, Yu smiled.

Yu: I somehow knew it was the Hong Kong guy you were talking about when you told me that you liked someone during the lunch break!

Yu left during the 10 minute break and I took that moment to "show him" that I was in class by going in front to talk with some people. He was sitting alone today though. I wish I could sit with him haha.

When lecture started, there was a point when I wanted to look at him (since he was sitting more in front than me for once) so I turned to look to my left and I think he was looking as well, I think, because he hastily turned away to look in front.

When I answered a question in class, he turned to look at me and I got so nervous I almost stammered but I kept my cool.

I made some new friends today and one of them was going to an architectural seminar after class so I decided to follow her. I noticed that Prince had already packed his bag and I assumed that he wanted to leave early. When I left though, he was still in the classroom and I found myself wishing that he would go to the seminar as well.

Halfway through the seminar, I saw that he was sitting in front and I wondered how he got there so fast. Naturally, I wanted to talk with him after the seminar ended.

Unluckily for me though, when the seminar ended, my friend wanted to go back immediately so I didn't get the chance.

When I was putting back the chairs that we used, I looked up and then we made eye-contact cause he came over to our place to talk with a guy, who is one of the few guys that I talk with (funny how I talk to almost every guy that talks with him but I don't talk with him). There was definitely no mistake in that. He looked surprised to see me there and I was about to walk over to him and begin talking with him but I couldn't move somehow and I was forced to turn around and talk with my friend cause she didn't seem to want to talk with them.

I wonder how I looked like...

I hope that I didn't mess up my chance though.

I will do my best to fix this and I hope that I will have the courage to speak with him.

Behind

I thought that Prince would go to on the class field trip to Venice to see the Biennale exhibition but he didn't so I was a bit disappointed but since I have been working hard on not trying to raise my hopes too high up, I wasn't that upset.

Today I was a bit late for class so when I finally got to class, almost everywhere was full so I had a hard time trying to find Yu but I found her roommate who was sitting near her bag after a minute or so. 

During that time, I was also scanning the class for Prince and I found him but he was sitting on the other side of the room and for a moment, I considered going to sit there since, at that time, I couldn't find Yu. When I found her bag though I made the decision to sit where she sat.

A few seconds later, Prince got up and walked over to our side and sat behind us cause his friends were sitting behind us and naturally I became just that bit more happy. Throughout the lesson, I was partly listening to him mock the teacher in English which is weird cause he usually speaks Siberian with his friends.

Now I'd like to think he spoke in English so that I could understand but that is just a fantasy.

Before the lecture started, I talked a lot with Yu which is a habit of mine whenever I'm near the guy that I am interested in. And it could be just my feelings or something but when class ended and he was talking with his friends (most of them are girls), he looked at me as I passed him.

During lunch time, I sat together with Yu and Isa outside the lecture hall and Yu and I talked about Prince with Isa. 

It surprises me that Isa never felt attracted to any guy before but then again, everyone is different and has their own preferences.

When Prince appeared in front of us, Yu began openly staring at him and she asked Isa to stare at him as well so both of them began to openly stare at him which was okay since he was around 3-4 metres away from us but still. 

And somehow I felt like he looked in our direction sometimes. I felt that his friend also looked our way a couple of times but it's just a feeling.

I was hoping that he'd sit behind us again for the afternoon lecture and he kind of did although we were separated by one seat. This time though, he sat directly behind me unlike that morning where he sat behind Yu.

Yu thinks he's very good looking as well, by the way hahaha. We have a lot of things in common. Typical for A blood type people to stick together hahahaha. XD

Anyway, during the break for the afternoon class, I went in front to ask the professor some questions and at first Prince stayed in his seat but he got up and started to follow his friends out of class.

But instead of immediately going out, he paused in front of the professor desk and I thought he was going to ask questions as well but then he began talking with another guy there but he stopped after some time and just stood there for awhile before he went out.

I don't know why but I felt like he was looking at me. It's just a feeling though.

Notice the amount of uncertainty I'm using. It's cause I don't want to raise my hopes too high up.

I feel sad that we only have four days of school cause I won't be able to see him till next Monday but it's okay cause there's no point in being sad if he doesn't even notice me.

I hope though that we'll be able to talk and become friends one day, unlike in Law's case.

A compliment

Wow, it's been a really long time since I last posted anything here!

I guess you can say that I have moved on from Law. I mean, he's a really nice guy and I might still have feelings for him but I understand that he likes someone else and that I can't do anything about that.

In the past month, I've passed a really important exam and so now I'm studying in a university in Italy and things are going pretty great. :)

Initially, I thought I wouldn't be able to make friends but I'm slowly becoming someone who isn't afraid to speak, especially with guys haha. :D

Although I still like and prefer Asians more than those who aren't, I still get a good share of eye-candy everyday. :)

One guy (who has a girlfriend already, sadly  XD ) I find interesting because he's really nice and when I cut my hair today and gave myself some bangs, he was the only who complimented me and said I looked great.  :D

That was, I think, the first compliment I have ever got from a guy regarding my appearance.

Another guy I haven't seen in a week since he was spending time with his family before his family went travelling and he'll be coming back in two days. Hopefully, he'll think I look pretty. :)

I cooked noodles for my friends and they loved it so I am just happy cause I love to cook for people. :D

I've seen loads of Asians but only some are hot, sadly.

And yes, I like looking at the eye-candy but I think that Law has changed me. And I still don't know if it's for the better or for the worse.

I no longer get butterflies in my stomach and even though my heart wants to get those feelings, my mind puts my heart down so much it doesn't dare to.

All I'm capable of now is to have one-sided crushes and daydreams, mainly about Joseph Gordon-Levitt. XD

I'd love to meet him one day and talk with him!

My roomie, on the other hand, has someone obviously head-over-heels in love with her but she's friend-zoning him since he's leaving for France next month and so she said it's no use. :( I feel sad for him.

And I guess that's all for now. No one interesting yet.

I'm just happy that I have friends at the moment. :)

A careful rekindling

Maybe it's because I only got two hours of sleep last night (due to my English project) but I was really high today.


I laughed for no reason and I talked to more people than usual and I even cracked lame jokes.


I haven't felt so happy about something other than Law in such a long time.


Also, I got the butterflies again today. For Law.


I haven't honestly felt that for a long time.


Maybe it's because I didn't see him for four days but all the same, when I saw his back, I felt that familiar feeling that I used to get when I first started having a crush on him.


And his hair grew so long within four days!!!


It's almost around the same length as Lee Jong Hyun's one right now but slightly shorter and more neater. :)


He was only there for the first break though and I sat a table away from him, behind another group of people because I didn't know if I could face him or not without squirming in my seat.


I looked horrible anyway what with my eye bags and sudden outburst of pimples. Urgh.


Saw Jean talking with him. Wish I had her courage but then again, she doesn't have feelings for him.


I sat with Dianne (one of my friends who knows about Law) while waiting for Helen.


When we were about to leave, she told me that she had something to tell me.


Apparently, while she was asking around where I was, Law overheard her say my name and he looked up in her direction while he was going down the stairs.


That really gave me hope and even though I tried to calm myself down, my overly tired self got even more hyperactive.


I don't know if Law heard me going crazy cause he was quite near us and he even walked behind Helen and I as we were going up the stairs.


My voice got louder while I was talking with Helen as Law approached and I kind of hate myself for doing that.


But, I noticed that he was kind of doing the same thing.


So, I can conclude that at least he isn't avoiding me or anything.


Okay, going to sleep now and hopefully I'll get to be even more focused on my studies as my test starts this Saturday.