Can't help it

I feel a bit envious because he liked another girl's status even though I am in no power to feel that way.

I think I just wish that he would communicate with me but I guess I'm always hoping for too much.

He's probably forgotten me anyway.

Actually, I have no idea what to do

Today was the Election Board party and it was a bit stressful but it was a success. :)


All the seniors said they had fun so I feel super relieved to know that.


Now I have to spend my whole day tomorrow with work.


I need to type reports, make a budget and study for my maths test on Monday.


I will do them all so I will sleep soon to get enough rest.




So... You must be wondering... 


Did anything happen between me and Law?




In a way... yes.


But you can say that it wasn't really anything either.




Let me just tell the small events that happened.




When he arrived, I saw that he looked at me but then I made myself busy so that I would be able to resist the urge to stare at him the whole time.


We sat far away from each other the whole time and we were in close proximity only a couple of times.


The year ones and year twos weren't mixing so I decided to make everyone play games.


While I was speaking, he was looking at me and smiling and I wanted to look at him so badly all the time but I only did a few times.


Correction, he was grinning.


He always grins whenever I talk.


Like the time when I had to make a speech in front of the Public Speaking Club to get them to make me their secretary.


And then we played a game that required us to play rock-paper-scissors with everyone. Everyone will get 5 stickers initially. People will then go around playing and the winner would get a sticker from the loser. The one with the most stickers will win.


And so that's what I did.


I was really scared to approach him.


Like super nervous.


But, somehow, we found each other.


I didn't see him coming from the front so by the time I raised my hands, I realised that I was about to play with him.


Neither of us said a word but when he won, he grinned and then I gave him a sticker saying "Here!" in a kind of angry but playful tone before I moved on.


I actually touched him.


Okay now it's truly sinking in.


I touched his left arm when I stuck the sticker on him.


Anyway, I actually pronounced him as the winner of the game and I said his name out loud but turns out, another person had more stickers so the other person won.


Moving on...


During the second game, I had to pass out balloons out to everyone and that helped me to erase some of my fears a bit so I felt a bit more confident in talking with my seniors.


Then, I came up to him and said "Law! Here you can choose one." But then he said "No, I'm not playing." Then I think I said "Oh, it's okay!" Before I went to another human. I overheard Angel asking him why he wasn't playing and he said something like he has OCD.


During the third game, we sat across from each other but I hardly looked at him. I sat next to Rainie's pet, Melrose, and I'm thankful that we sat next to each other and that we weren't awkward or anything with each other.


An open water gun war followed that and I just stepped back and laughed at the people who were going for it. Law didn't really join in either. He chose a good spot (one with a lot of electrical appliances) so no one could shoot at him.


Then, we played truth or dare.


Despite the fact that other year two seniors were playing with fireworks, he didn't even went to join them and I had a feeling that he wanted to stay on cause he wanted to know something.


When it got to his turn, he said "Truth." Apparently, he was feeling very generous today.


And then a senior asked "Do you like Tahlia?" and then he gave this weird laughing face that had this question mark on it. Everyone kept on asking who Tahlia was.


There is a girl called Tahlia from the year ones but the way that people kept on questioning, it was as if they weren't implying her.


Or at least, I hope it didn't.


Then, Ray asked him "Who do you think is the most attractive girl here?"


Law said "Angel la!" but the other guys said that he couldn't pick her so after Angel beat up the guy, Ray rephrased his question.


"Who from the year ones do you find the most attractive?"


So, Law went to the middle saying "Let me see them all first, I haven't really looked at all of them."


I didn't want to look at him at all not because I thought I'd get chosen but because I didn't want to see who he picked.


In the end though, he just asked who had a similar surname with him and then he picked the girl and both of them high-fived each other.


As he was returning to his seat, I overheard one of the seniors say to him "You're escaping."


Now that I think about it, it was the same senior who was with him last Thursday when Law kept on passing by me.


I don't want to raise my hopes.


But somehow, somehow, I felt that he meant me.


A lot of people were asking him to say the truth but he just kept quiet.


So I guess that he likes someone from the year ones but I have no idea who.


Then, I kept on waiting for my turn and every time the bottle was spun, it never got me.


Then, when I was about to give up, the bottle turned to me and I felt a bit nervous.


They asked me "Truth or Dare?" and so I said "Truth."


Everyone was racking their brains to think of a question when Blair suddenly said, "Wait, I've got a question." And then, I knew it was coming before she even said those four words.


"Who do you like?"


I tell you, my mind went blank just like that and I'm pretty sure I was stuttering all over the place.


"Well... He's a guy."


Yes, that's what I said.


When I looked up, I noticed that Law was gone and so was Angel but I don't know how to properly analyse that now so I'll just leave it at there.


And then, everyone asked "Who?" 


"Is it someone from college?"
"What's his name?"
"At least give his initials!" (This was Ray. He had to tell the name of the person he liked which is another senior who isn't in the Election Board)


My mouth kept on opening and closing and then Melrose said that she think she knew who.


Then she whispered into my ears "Is he here now?" I nodded my head.


"Is it Law?"


I shrieked.


Literally.


Law wasn't in his seat, but I could still see him.


Then, people started coming to me and made guesses so in the end, a few seniors found out.


Then Ray asked, "Is it someone here?"


It took awhile but I said yes.


Melrose then asked everyone to drop the subject cause then it would be very awkward for me so they obliged.


Blair came up to me after that saying that Law is a good guy.


Melrose on the other hand kept on asking why I liked him and I got all girly with her. I even found out that he used to like Angel (I kind of guessed that) and that another year one likes him (and I think I know who it is as well cause she also wanted to bake a cake).


Then, the cake I baked was brought out and people asked who baked it so I said it was me.


Then, while I was busy picking up rubbish and stuff, Law began talking with me.

Law: Hey Beth! (He said my name! And he pronounced it correctly!) Did you learn to make this cake through the Food Fest?

Me: Huh? What Food Fest?

Law: Oh-

Me: Oh! The Food Fest! I didn't go to it! No, I didn't get the recipe from there!

Law: So you've always baked from last time?

Me: Yeah.

Then I smiled and returned to my work even though I was dying to talk with him longer.

He actually smiled and grinned at me when we spoke but I didn't dare to look at him for too long.

He ate the cake and he took a good slice of it too so I feel really happy. :)

Then, I did my best to stay back as long as possible but my parents made it impossible.

When I finally got the courage to be near him, I had to leave already.

I had just sat down opposite him (he was standing) to observe my seniors and my lecturer play Mah Jong, and I had just begun to converse with my seniors (and Law even joined in a bit) when my phone rang.

While I talked to my parents everyone else was silent.

When I said that I'd walk to the nearby gas station so that my parents could find me easier, all of them looked terrified. Or was their look a look of awe?

Another senior drove me to the gas station even though I really wanted him to do it but I think he didn't bring his car.




So I guess this is it.


I don't know how else to improve this situation. How to get to know him better.


Cause after this week, I won't see him again and just knowing that makes me feel really really really sad.


And knowing that he possibly likes another person from the year ones makes me feel even more sad.




It's okay though.


If my feelings for him a really strong, then I'll just wait for him.


Because, I really like him.


PS. We actually called each other's name to get each other's attention. And also since he smiled and talked with me after the Truth or Dare game, I'm assuming that he doesn't know I like him (which is hard to believe) or that he's okay with me liking him.


PSS. After looking at a photo one of my seniors posted online, I knew I wasn't dreaming when I said he was smiling at me while I was telling people about the games. And, what's more, he's probably the only one smiling. The rest just had the "Whaaaaat?" look on their face so please, tell me what that means!!!!

Sunlight from a crack on the wall

I didn't feel anything special when I went to school.


When my friends and I dropped off our bags at our lecture hall, I wanted to go outside to talk with Helen but then I had to talk to Paul (June's crush) regarding some money matters so by the time I got outside, Helen was gone.


I began to frantically search for her and I was about to go down the stairs to look for her when I saw Law coming up the steps so I went back to my lecture hall and saw Helen there but then I told her I had wanted to go outside so I brought "Mockingjay" out with me and began reading it.


By the time I looked up from the book, I only saw Law's back disappearing into his classroom so I felt slightly sad.


June came late today because of the bus but at least she came so I got to tell her about Ivy (the girl who commented on Law's post and who I think has a crush on him) and how my introspection went last weekend.


While I was telling Helen and June about my introspection, I felt so glad and grateful that they were actually listening.


I think it's cause previously, it was only I who played the role of "listener" in my previous group of friends up to the point that whenever I started to speak out my own thoughts and feelings, they'll just cut in and pour out their own thoughts so I end up listening to them only without ever getting things off my chest.


This was during the first break.


Law was seated somewhere that wasn't his usual seat with a different group of people whom I think I never saw him hang out with before but I couldn't look at him too much cause I was busy talking with June and Helen.


I was supposed to attend a sports house meeting during the second break but then I skipped it cause honestly, I don't think I really fit in with the people there somehow as much as I want to.


So I had break with June, Jean, and Elva.


This time, Law sat at a completely different area in the cafeteria, around the same place where we sat during the first break but then he went up very early so I felt a little sad.


We had a free period after that cause our Bio teacher didn't come in for class so June and I first went to the IT lab where Law usually goes to during his free period.


He wasn't there, of course, cause he had class but then again I felt somewhat happy that I got to experience something he usually did each week. We went to the library after that where June studied Chemistry while I continued to read "Mockingjay".


And as usual, every Monday is Gloom Day where I sit at a table in the assembly hall, alone with my thoughts and even though I studied, I can't say that my mind was fully preoccupied with Maths cause I was thinking of him also.


I mean, today, we hardly interacted at school.


The sunlight came just now when I logged on to Facebook.


I went through my usual way of checking my notifications when I noticed that he and some other seniors had commented on the map that I posted up for the party this Saturday.


He was talking to another senior though so I didn't want to bother them.


I was looking at the map for a long time when I realised that I might have got the map wrong so I posted a comment saying that the labels for the places and stuff might be wrong and then I began to check my horoscope and love predictions and stuff.


5 minutes into the prediction readings, I got one notification saying that Law had commented on the photo.


I  waited for a few seconds (although I don't know why) before I checked the comment.


All he asked was whether the road pathway was correct or not but I can tell you, I got so excited and my pulse began to quicken because he actually communicated with me through Facebook.


And it was he who started it.


Okay, so it's a really small matter but by using my hyper-analytically powered mind, I know that he at least acknowledges me as someone whom he can speak to and so in a sense, we'll have no problem whatsoever in communicating in real life because then I know for sure that he doesn't hate me.


That's the one thing that I fear the most, that he hates me.


Those few words he typed really made my day today, honestly.


I'm going to sleep soon cause I need to get rid of some eye bags but before I go, here's my prediction for today.


Feel secure the coming weekend. With your honesty it will bring about great changes.


And since the sports house party got cancelled, this could probably only mean the party this Saturday.


And since I kind of got a green light to begin talking with him, I'm not that scared anymore to communicate with him. :)


I'll be going off soon.


I sincerely hope that we'll become friends first before anything else happens. :)