The Reason why I should stay Single

I haven't posted in here for ages and that's mainly because I started losing interest in relationships awhile back.
It started out with me just wanting to not think too much about getting into one and then in the end, I just feel like it is so much of a bother and too much effort.

Plus, I've seen my siblings change, either for the good or for the worse and I kind of dread to think that I might end up going in the wrong direction.

I mean, it kind of is happening now; not like I'm dating anyone or anything.

I started becoming friends with a Korean girl through deviantArt and over time, we grew to become very close until it got to a point where I wondered whether I liked her more than just a friend but after some thought and inspection, I've decided that I don't have that kind of feeling for her.

Yet, I find myself getting jealous when other people get all pally with her.
And I find it sad that I get upset when she comments on other people's things when she hasn't replied to my message from three days ago.

She has some eye problems now and I understand that she wants to rest them but if that is so, why won't she talk with me?

I seriously sound like some crazy girlfriend now ahahahahaha.

I find myself missing her messages and checking my page and her page for any updates or notifications.

We already swore to each other that we'd be best friends forever so I'm doing my best to have faith in this friendship but I'm so scared of being replaced.
I'm not even that good as an artist and she is way above me.
It really makes me wonder why she decided to be friends with me.
And all those other people who are pally with her are really amazing artists.
I bet she wonders why she got stuck with me.

My confidence in my own self is very low at this moment.

I never expected to invest this much emotion into this friendship.

Initially, I really tried to hold back because I have trust issues but she instead was so giving and kind to me that in the end, my wall broke down and I started to reach out again to her.

Now I just feel pathetic, waiting for her messages.

On my side, I will continue to fight for this friendship but if she ever just wants to let me go, it's her right and I won't stop her.
I'll get depressed for a few days but I'm sure I'll get over it.

So yes, I shouldn't even consider getting a boyfriend because the kind of emotions running through me right now is so bitter that I really can't stand them.
And thank goodness they haven't really affected much of me just yet.

But I feel like if I go through another day without any message from her, I'll really get down.

I still don't think this is a crush, at least I hope so.

Can't help it

I feel a bit envious because he liked another girl's status even though I am in no power to feel that way.

I think I just wish that he would communicate with me but I guess I'm always hoping for too much.

He's probably forgotten me anyway.

Remember

I have always been a seriously huge fan of manga drawings and stories and currently I am in a shoujo romantic comedy mood and even though I have assignments to be done, I can't stop reading them which is to say I'm sacrificing sleep in order to read them cause I read them in the afternoon and stay up at night to do my homework.

I love the idea of being in love, of being in a relationship, of finding that one guy who would love you for all your idiosyncrasies and flaws. I can always see it happening for others. I just can't see it happening to me.

All these manga main heroines have it easy, don't they?

A typical story goes like this: Girl falls in love with guy after guy bullied her/was kind to her and she's too afraid to say anything. Then some conflict arises and she realises how much she loves the guy so she confesses and it turns out that the guy loved her all the time.

So basically it's a happy ending.

I have yet to experience something like that. I'm actually very pessimistic about that I mean, seriously, I don't think I'm that lucky.

I could continue liking Prince, like the Law case, but this doesn't mean he likes me or that he might fall for me.

And then I begin to doubt myself.

When will I get to experience a good relationship?

All, and I mean all, of my siblings have had or are in a relationship, including my younger sister and brother and yes, I am incredibly jealous of all of them. I am also incredibly jealous of all those manga heroines cause they're living my dream.

I just wonder when it'll be my turn next.

Calmness

I actually feel more calmer now and maybe it's because I just attended the Easter Mass.


I think I've been feeling really angsty and sad was because I really expected Law to reply my message.


He didn't of course.


When I reread my blog today, I realised that I did have a lot of opportunities just that I was too much of a coward to do anything or more like there were too many butterflies in my stomach to actually think straight.


Now that I feel more calmer, I really do feel as though if I do see him, I'll be able to say "Hi! Good luck!" and then smile at him.


I can actually picture how the whole thing will go like.


I don't feel as calm as I was just now though cause when I went on Facebook, I saw that Ivy posted pictures of kittens on his timeline.


And one of them said "ARE U IN LOVE WITH ME NOW??".


Another says "hello im cute!".


And the final one says "so damn cute!".


Isn't it obvious that she likes him?


I envy her cause she can actually talk to him while all I can do is hope that the both of us will be able to sit next to each other in the cafeteria.


His reply to her posts "Did you just spam my timeline with kitteh pictures????"


From what I can see based on his choice of words, he doesn't seem like he likes her in that way.


June said that maybe they're just close but I do know for a fact that she isn't really in his circle of friends.


Still, I can't help thinking that she's making a move to secure him while here I am, blogging about how much I really want to get to know him.


I just don't have the type of personality to do what she can do (even though we're both Capricorns).


By the way, I'm going to start my transformation process today cause I want to look really hot for Prom Night.


If I see him tomorrow, I will wish him luck. :)


And that's the most I can do cause even though I do like him, I don't want to scare him off either.


Yes, I still like him.

Who would have known?

I came to school extra early today cause my brother had to be at his school by 6.30am so I was at school by 6.40am even though school only started at 8.00am.


But the main thing here is that for the first time since school started, I didn't see Law at all today.


I didn't think I'd get upset over such a menial matter but here I am feeling disappointed that I didn't get to look at him.


But come to think of it, I won't get to see him for a whole week because of our school break for Chinese New Year.


And I'm sure that since he's Chinese, he must have took an early leave for a vacation.


I already knew I wouldn't have been able to see him during the first break due to a meeting but even when I had to attend a short camp meeting, I didn't see him either.


I really do feel disappointed.


I didn't think it was obvious but then even people who I don't really talk to asked why I looked so sad and right then and there I thought to myself, "Does Law really affect me?"


I couldn't really focus in class today.


I keep on replaying the chances I had on my birthday to say "Hi!" to him but I missed them all.


I screwed up.


Who knows when I'll get the chance to actually talk to him cause I already promised to myself that if I got to talk to him for a few more times, I'd pluck up the courage to add him on Facebook.


I told my sisters last night. They didn't give much of a reaction cause they said they expected it.


You know, all those mangas I read make crushes-turned-into-true-love look so easy.


How the hell do those girls and guys pluck up the courage to even start to talk to each other???!


It's so hard just to even look at him.


I sometimes wish I wasn't so shy.


I'm sure I'd have talked to him more by now.


I wonder if he knows I am interested in him?


Please, please, please give me the chance to be able to have a normal conversation with him so that we can get to know each other better.


I also really really really want to look prettier.


I freaking wish I was pretty enough for him.


Sometimes, I wish I was so freaking beautiful that people would turn to look. I really want to know how that feels like.


Law is really a shining, radiant creature (note: not a vampire) and I really don't know how someone of my stature will ever get the chance to become his friend.


I hope, I really really hope that he'd notice me and take an interest in me.


I am really jealous of my sister cause for both of the times that she had a crush on two different people, both of them also fell for her and one of them is still going strong with her. The first one was a little complicated.


I just wonder how they all do it.


All my siblings have such radiant personalities.


And they are all really hot or pretty or gorgeous.


I always feel like the runt of the litter no matter how many times they say I'm the prettiest.


Cause let's face it, my face is not as captivating as theirs.


I don't even have an outstanding personality cause I always am the person who is backstage, never front stage.


All of them have been front stage.


For once, I'd really like something that I want to happen to me actually happen to me.


Please, please, please let Law suddenly talk to me and when he does, please please please let the both of us hit it off.