My brain just loves to think it's in love

Okay, to keep things short; I told Tia two weeks or so ago that I kind of felt attracted to Ken.

Yesterday, the meter escalated a bit more because I saw him for two days in a row and I couldn't help but just stare at him. A slightly perverted thing happened also on Monday while I was fixing my model.

I was bending and gluing my model, paying no attention whatsoever to the people around me when I heard someone say 'Sorry' and when I looked up I saw that Ken needed to pass behind me. Since I was practically in the middle of a tight alley made by tables on either side, my only option was to press myself forward because I needed to protect my model in order for him to pass.

And I'm sure you guys can guess what it looked like when he passed behind me and the thing is he kind of laughed or chuckled or something like that but quietly; so quiet that I almost didn't hear it.

But I didn't really give much of a reaction because I was super panicked about my model.

And then throughout the rest of the day and the day after that, my eyes followed him and I shamelessly sat next to him on one occasion but that is it.

Okay, back to the main topic.

I went to a dinner party yesterday and somehow or another, I ended up staying till 6 am because we were playing Truth or Dare. Now, during the party, I was busy telling Tia how afraid I am to pursue anything further because I know I'm not good enough for him when a friend of mine's boyfriend leaned in to listen and started guessing his name and when he found out he was all up for it to give me tips.

Needless to say, some other people found out that I like him, even a friend of mine who is a close friend of his so I still feel pretty embarrassed about it until now.

Oh gosh. I would like something to happen but at the same time I'm hoping for nothing to happen.

Okay I really need to sleep.

After almost a year

Would you believe that Prince finally initiated a conversation with me? 

Nope, I couldn't believe it either. It happened two days ago.

Maybe it's because Carl first started talking with me for a bit that afternoon. And then I let both of them get their review first although I arrived earlier than them but I only did that because their appointment with the professor was supposed to be before mine.

I got their attention while I had my review after theirs because of the drawings that I came up with for my building and they couldn't stop looking at it and yes, I felt flattered but soon after that I forgot about them and just concentrated on my work.

And then later on while we were having our group review in the evening, they came to look at our layout and stayed to look especially when it came to my part because of all the materials that I had. Heck, they even played with the models I made. Well, not played but you get the gist.

Before the review though, they were already looking at them again and Carl asked me a really stupid question.

Carl: Beth, what's the function of this thing? *points to the roof plan

Me: It's a roof of course. What else could it be?

And Prince chuckled a bit at my blunt sarcasm and I felt a bit surprised. But anyway.

The conversation happened as I was packing up my models which were next to where they were sticking tape to their boards. Prince suddenly came near me and I didn't really pay attention to him because I just assumed that he was only going to look again but then he suddenly spoke up.

Prince: How did you do your models?

Carl: Yeah, did you get someone to help you hold them while you put them in place?

Me: No, I wish I had three hands at that time hahaha.

We talked for a few minutes but basically the conversation revolved around the models and how Prince had tried to do it before but he couldn't. I was surprised that I wasn't having irregular and fast heartbeats so I guess I am pretty much over him which somehow saddens me a bit though I don't know why.

When I left I thanked both of them for their suggestions and Prince smiled. I couldn't help but just look at him every time I held a conversation with both of them. Guess I'm still a bit disgusted and disturbed with Carl and I just can't help feeling that way about him sadly.

Anyway, I want to talk about Ken for a bit, if you guys still remember him.

I really think he is such a sweet guy and I really think I would have fallen for him if I hadn't restrained myself and if I thought that I had a chance with him because I know that I don't.

On the same day that I talked with Prince, I had a few encounters with Ken.

One was when a friend of mine had borrowed a pen and I walked away after that so later on when he wanted to give it back to me I just asked him to throw it and as expected, I couldn't catch it. Ken happened to be in the middle and when he saw the pen drop, he stooped to pick it up despite it being further away from him than me but I managed to pick it up before him and I felt too embarrassed to look at him to even thank him for his attempt so I just moved away.

And then I needed to go to the front of the class for some reason but one path was blocked so even though I didn't want to go near Ken (because I'm overly conscious of him and I'm sure he'd realise it if I went near him) I had to go through the path he was at.

So since he was blocking it I decided to go behind him but he instead stepped back so I could move in front of him and then we kind of danced on the spot, trying to give each other a way to pass or to stand in place and in the end he kind of chuckled and stepped in front and I also smiled and giggled a bit as I passed by him. (I know chuckled and giggled sounds so ugh but it did happen OTL).

He saw me being utterly shameless by trying to get over a table in a skirt but I pretended that he couldn't see anything. I hope he didn't.

And on one occasion he sat next to me as we both listened to a group getting their review. I also went to see him get his review which was a bit embarrassing cause I was kind of the only one doing that but it's all cool.

And I think that he noticed that I was staring at him a lot. I think he even caught me staring at some times but oh well.

And thus ends my so-called adventures with Ken.

A long post after a long hiatus. Amazing huh? But I guess since I'm trying not to focus too much on finding love, I didn't have much to say. It will come in it's own time and I really believe in that.

Friday

It really does seem that I am more or less over him.

I don't get excited when I see him nor do I try and find every single chance to be next to him. In fact, last Friday, I didn't even notice that he was in class until the morning break.

On the other hand though, Carl keeps bugging me and it's slowly starting to get on my nerves and what adds to the fuel is his egoistical personality.

As soon as it was the morning break, I went to the professor to ask some questions and when I came back to my seat he immediately asked me a question.

Carl: Beth, zero to the power of anything is 1 right?

Me: Uh, yes. I think so?

Guy friend: No you're wrong. Zero to the power of anything is still zero. It's any number to the power of zero is 1.

Me: Ah, yeah, he's right!

Carl: No! There's some theory that I read before about this-

Guy friend: Why are you so stubborn??? Here I can prove it for you.

And they continued bickering for awhile but I turned around to talk with Tia instead and in the end Carl just walked away, refusing to admit his error.

And after the professor left, Tia and I went in front of the class to perform the dare we assigned to each other; she had to dance the 'Macarena' while I had to sing a remix of the Teletubbies theme song with 'Old McDonald'.

Yeah... I really did give it a 100% and I'm just thankful that people clapped warmly at the end. Prince and Carl were talking (that's when I noticed Prince) and I saw that Prince wanted to continue talking but I just sang louder, to annoy him most probably.

But after that Carl came to talk with me and I really felt uncomfortable because it felt like he was cornering me saying "Beth, stop doing weird things." Whatever, okay. It's not like I wanted to do that that badly. Luckily my guy friend helped me out again and Carl went away eventually.

I feel much better now. I don't feel like I need a guy to complete me and neither am I desperately looking for one because I'm sure when he comes, he'll be just like how I imagined it to be, better even.

Wishful thinking I know but that's all that I can hope for at the moment.

I wonder when those feelings will strike me again.

Smooth

He came much more earlier than myself to class for once which shocked me a bit. He and Carl were all set for the evaluation for our project and they got an A while Yu and I got an A-B.

One thing that struck me a lot was that I missed seeing him.

Today though, I didn't ogle at him as much as I used to and I also did my best to not follow him around. The times I did though were purely accidental since Yu was dragging me here and there to look at the other models.

I admit, I wanted to talk with him very badly and I just felt so impatient and nervy while I was with Yu, discussing our models and drawings. I finally got the chance though when the professors had finished evaluating their work and ours and were looking at other projects.

I kept going to their models and drawings and looking at them for a long time, especially the panels containing the sections and plans and Yu and I just looked at the model and she wondered whether or not we could take a look inside and since I was curious as well, I asked him whether or not the side could be opened and he and Carl readily came to show us their model.

Naturally Carl tried talking more with me and I did respond but I was asking Prince more questions than him but Carl answered them anyway. Carl also walked over behind me at one point but I smoothly walked to a different position. I really thought that he gave up on me since he didn't try to do anything yesterday but one can only hope hahaha.

I didn't make a lot of eye contact with Prince compared to last time. I figured that I should try take things slowly in rebuilding our friendship.

I still do think that we have the same wavelength because he and I were kind of in the same place at the same time when we went to look at other people's work.

Also, and even though this is highly coincidental, I took more to his drawings than Carl's.

And exactly how did I know that it was his?

On the section drawing, there was a missing line and I asked them if it was on purpose or not and Prince said "Oh, I forgot to draw in that line."

I was really staring at those two panels that he did the whole time and he probably saw me but it's not as though I knew previously that he drew them.

On the other hand, he was also quite fixated on my drawing. A couple of people were, really, but it was his attention to it that mattered the most for me. He even took a picture of it and really contemplated it for a long time and I longed to discuss it with him but I knew it wouldn't be good. I think he knew it was my work.

When we talked though, he wasn't really warm and he kind of chuckled at one point I think and compared to his relationship with Acia, mine is like a dark valley while her's is up in the sky since they were smiling and laughing together.

Heck yeah am I jealous, especially since her project got an A as well but I won't complain.

Again we exchanged glances every now and then but I didn't dare to look for long though and I also made sure to interact with other guys so that he won't feel too special and perhaps, maybe, I wish, he was jealous because of that.

I hope that when I see him on Thursday we will take another small step in becoming friends.

All the way home

And no, I don't mean it in the sexual way hahahaha.

I honestly, honestly thought that today would be a very bad day. Why? I only got two hours or so of sleep and I didn't have much for breakfast.

When I got to class, the professor wasn't there (she came late, typical Italian timing) and by the time I got in line so that she could check my work, I was number 12 and I wanted to finish early so that I could go back home fast and sleep.

Well, guess what?

I gave up my 12th spot to another for the 19th and again from the 19th to the 24th. Why? Because I rather see myself suffer than see others in torture, especially if they have better things to do than me.

But I actually felt less depressed and much better after doing those small tiny acts of kindness. I even gave a homeless woman some coins because I'm sure she's way more hungry than I am. It felt good to give back to the world.

Also, I talked with both Tia and Rosa today (on separate occasions that is) about Prince and they both thought that he wasn't pissed off with me, just that he was in a bad mood. Tia even went so far as to think that he's interested in me and he's in a conflict with a girl or with Carl about me and yes, that would be a fantasy but I highly doubt it. It really made me feel better to talk about these things with someone, although I was positively blushing the whole time. I can't believe that I can blush so easily these days. I never could when I was a child and oh how my younger self wished she could and now she can. You happy now?

But anyway, how does all of this relate to Prince?

First off, he came only in the afternoon and I didn't want to believe it at first (since I got such a short glimpse of him) but I know that I can't mistake him for another person. He confirmed his presence for me though, by writing his name on the blackboard.

I have a feeling that he kind of overheard my conversation with either Tia or Rosa but I also doubt it since we were talking in low voices in front of the class while he was sitting at the back.

After my turn, I just knew I wanted to talk and apologise to him. It's because I watched a YouTube video last night, a motivational one, about how we can make ourselves better by thinking "How do I make today the best day of my life?" so I was eager to try it out.

Besides, my lack of sleep prevents any rational thinking so it was the perfect time despite the rising fear in my heart.

I actually had two choices.

1. To exit through his side (since he was sitting next to the main door).
2. To exit through the back door. Which has Carl. Who suddenly came back. After having finished his turn 2 hours ago. =-=;

Naturally I actually wanted to avoid Prince's door but thanks to Carl, I chose option 1. Luckily.

So I was opening the door, carrying a heck load of things with me, thinking that Prince would probably not notice me but he actually stopped to look at me and my insane amount of baggage for awhile and I took that as a 'Go' sign to talk with him. And thus, I did.

I can't remember exactly how it went but I'm sure I opened it up with a "Prince, I'm really sorry about yesterday." and I probably added "I'm sure you were in a bad mood" and "I'm sorry for always annoying you" to that mixture as well to which he responded in mumbles of "No, no" and I think I even heard him say either "It was my fault" or "It's not your fault".

But what made me smile all the way home was the fact that the second I spoke to him, he grinned and his eyes were the same friendly looking eyes like last time.

It really seemed like the smile of an angel's and if I had been alone in the hallway, I tell you I would've cried in relief and joy.

Really.

I immediately felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders and I felt my face lighting up and I smiled back at him and the eye contact we made was magical again.

He had very positive body language as well; his whole upper part turning to face me as we talked.

I forgot to mention two things about the Switzerland trip.

While we sat side-by-side on the first night, he had a very open body language with me, sitting with his legs wide apart and him sinking in his seat so I know that he was comfortable sitting next to me.

Also, I had a really long dream about him that first night and I don't know about what. I had another dream about him last night as well but I don't know about what either.

But anyway, I am just super relieved and happy and glad and overjoyed that he grinned at me.

And I will stop here for today because I am tired and I think I will cook dinner now and then sleep and then wake up and take a shower before working. I really need to rest and I think my body clock is seriously out of whack now.

Thank you so much, God, for today. :)

Skirts

Boy do I have a heck load of assignments to finish! In fact, I shouldn't even be on here but I want to update this blog since I won't be here for the next three days since I'll be in Switzerland and Liechtenstein for our class trip. I really do hope Prince and I will be able to become more friendlier and more comfortable with each other.

I went to class very early today because I wanted to do a wire transfer before going to class but I couldn't because it can only be done online (which I am slightly panicking about now since I don't have a specific card that I really need now).

I wore a very nice outfit today, one that I had planned to wear to class since December (sad I know right?). It consists of a cream white cardigan, a black top, a short white skirt with gold flowers on it and grey tights along with my old Converses.

And yes, I felt pretty good about my appearance today and my confidence got a little boost from Xia because she said I looked very sweet today.

I was the first one in class and I began reading some Physics notes which I need for one of my assignments and somehow I caught myself thinking "What if Prince doesn't come today? It'll be such a waste for a good outfit!" and I am really not the type of girl who normally thinks like that. All I wanted was for him to see me looking good.

Much to my surprise, he came very early, earlier than Yu and Xia even. I think he was third person to enter the classroom and at first he sat in front of me, his usual seat but then he moved far away.

And immediately I felt really sad and depressed and tired, like the all-nighter I did last night went to waste.

You can 100% bet that my spirits immediately sank and I began thinking that he really hated me and was avoiding me.

During the break, I really did want to go talk with him, especially since Carl wasn't there, but I just couldn't so I hung out around Tia instead who was sitting quite near him.

My mood got worse when I saw him talking a lot with Carl and I just felt really mad with myself.

For that whole morning, I really felt like there was a really bad energy between us. We didn't even make eye-contact when we each had to present our idea for our project in class which is odd since we almost always do.

It was as though there was something between us and I don't know about him but I was aware of it.

Like when we standing across each other, we sometimes copied each other's movements and I really felt that he glanced my way once or twice but we were kind of wary of each other.

By lunch break I couldn't stand it anymore. I was being so pitiful with myself and that was when I realised that I was just as foolish as those manga heroines that I always curse since they don't attempt to clear up the situation so I decided that I wanted to talk with him.

So I stood up and walked over to his place (Carl had already gone home and Prince was taking his time to pack up) and I asked him if he was going home already and he said no and we talked for awhile about the lecture that afternoon and I felt like my English was becoming slightly less formal and he was relaxing as well.

He smiled a lot and we even kind of made a small joke and I sure am pretty obvious now because when he said that he was coming back later I said to him "See you later!" before I left him standing there, most probably dumbstruck by how obvious I am being.

I really observed him while I was being depressed though and I kept thinking: "Why the hell did I fall for him?" He isn't very hot and he isn't a very good speaker but something in him just attracts me somehow because I feel like he is kind of like the guy version of myself.

You see, the only reason why I actually dared to go and talk to him during the lunch break is because he looked at Yu and I's drawing as he was re-entering the classroom (I was sitting right in front of the class next to the door) and it was obvious that he was looking so when that happened I couldn't help but smile and sigh in relief. If it was me, I think I would've done the same to show someone that I don't hate them. Assuming he doesn't hate me that is.

So after lunch break I really wanted to go over and talk to him because he was alone (he and Acia really don't talk a lot anymore) but I couldn't since I was already talking with some other people so I kept waiting and by the time I had the courage to, Carl was back and I didn't want to go there anymore. Carl shaved his hair off by the way.

After that, everyone left just looked at drawings and when I finally felt brave enough (because there were so few people there) I stood next to him but after that I had to go since Yu was calling me.

Yu and I had to go out though while another group was presenting their project to discuss ours and I was really a bit disappointed cause I wanted to talk with Prince, I really did.

Carl came out of the room while Yu and I were talking and he glanced our way and my heart cheered that he was going home without Prince but no, he just had to turn back after walking down the hall and he walked back inside the classroom and then he came out with Prince and he said "Good bye, Beth" and Prince mumbled something but honestly, need I say who I was actually looking at?

I said "Good bye, guys! See you tomorrow!" and at that point both of them turned around, Carl a major turn while Prince did a minor one.

However, I only looked at Prince and yet again, he had the uncertain look on his face although he was smiling slightly. I don't know, maybe he was expecting me to talk with him, I just don't know.

I hope that I'll get to sit somewhere near him on the bus tomorrow. :)

That's it for now, I have to go take a shower and get right into drawing!!!!!

Busy busy busy. But I sure am progressing and hopefully in the right way.

I would like to think that we have some kind of secret bond that only the both of us know but that is just wishful thinking.

P.S. I can't believe I missed out this part. And it's the title of my blog post as well haih... But anyway, due to the fact that I was wearing a skirt and tights, people (guys, generally) kept on looking at my legs and I don't know if that is because they look good or if they're just thick but it felt reassuring to know that I can get people's attention with the outfit I'm wearing.

The important part here is that I know that even though Prince cares about his looks and style, he is definitely not gay.

How?

At the beginning of the lunch break, while the professor was talking with some girls about their models, I had to go over to the professor to ask some questions and Prince and Carl were both approaching the professor as well.

I think it's because it's the first time that he's ever seen me in anything else but jeans and skinnies so when I stood next to the professor, awaiting my turn impatiently while fidgeting my leg up and down, I saw from the corner of my eyes that as Prince was approaching, his eyes looked down and he looked at my legs. For quite some time. So I shifted my legs and turned my head and he quickly looked away.

The fact that he looked doesn't really gross me out somehow. Maybe it's cause it's him. Maybe it's because the way that he was looking at them wasn't like the gaze of a molester, more like someone in shock.

Yeah, I sound so full of myself right now and I hate it but I'm just typing out the truth. And now I really got to get moving.

A metal mesh

I pulled an all-nighter last night woohoo so I need to sleep soon. :D All-nighters will make me very hyperactive the next day and with an added dash of coffee, I was literally shaking in excited jitters the whole day. I love my school work now hahaha.

Anyway, getting off topic from the start already hahaha, I am here to talk about Prince. :)

I came on time today (and as usual, the lecturers weren't =-=;) and I waited for Yu at the front row but when she came she said that we should move to the second row (since the first one is always used to present drawings and such) so we did.

While we were discussing our project, the door opened and I looked up (which is something I rarely do these days, mainly because of Carl) and I saw Prince, which is a bit shocking since he usually comes very late. Again we made eye contact and I watched as he went to the furthest seat in the same row as Yu and I before my attention was forced to return to our project.

I didn't get the chance to talk with him because not long after that, Carl walked in and went to the opposite side of the room and Prince quickly changed his seats to be next to Carl. I felt like he glanced over every now and then (like when I was laughing out loud at one point) but I couldn't tell for sure since I wasn't really glancing at him.

I wanted to talk with him but it didn't seem as though I had any time to spare to do so.

In fact, as soon as the lecturers came in, Yu and I became busy because one of the assistants came over to our drawings and began making a lot of comments and giving a lot of critiques so we gave our full attention (I got very excited over the project ahahahaha XD).

I wanted to go over to where Prince had put up his and Carl's drawings to look at them but I just couldn't get away so I had to remain there, giving the occasional glance in their direction where they had taped the papers to the wall.

When another guy (a professor maybe) came over to discuss about our model for the project, more people started to come and Prince and Carl also came over.

I thought that Prince would leave, really, since he had already walked past our drawings and had glanced at it several times but instead, Carl was the one who left and he remained there, standing on my side of the table, looking at the drawing for quite some time before he left. Yeah, I really wanted to talk with him then but I just couldn't since I needed to listen to everything that the professor had to say.

Maybe him coming over was a sign? I don't know, I won't read too much into it.

Towards the end of the class I started to get a bit agitated and I even made a couple of foolish reactions in class (=-=;) and because of that he looked my way and I blushed really badly, but I couldn't help it. I really wanted to talk with him.

And me being foolish was one of the ways to get it out of my system, even if it is a bad one.

Yu still wanted to discuss with me so I tried to wrap things up faster and by the time they were taking down their drawings from the walls, I couldn't pay much attention to Yu anymore since I was so afraid of him leaving without me exchanging any words with him.

Yu: Okay. Now let's go to buy the materials.

Me: Wait, Yu, can I please go talk with him?

Yu: No, we need to go now.

Me: Please??? For a short while only.

Yu: Fine.

And with her understanding smile in my mind, I just walked over to where Prince was and I pushed back all my fear deep down inside.

Me: Prince, what kind of material are we supposed to use for the building? Is it only one type?

Prince: For your building facade, I think you should use a metal mesh, or something like that.

Okay, I actually don't know how it really started but it's somewhere along those lines. I just remember that I asked one question and then he immediately went into another topic that was somewhat related to the topic I introduced but wasn't exactly what I had wanted to ask, you know? All I can recall is that he said that he has been to a modelling class before and he has two friends who know some stuff about it so he will help me by asking them about it and then telling it to me later.

I completely zoned out after that because he actually offered to help me. He's being so nice and friendly and all and here I am, just awestruck. Or lovestruck. Which ever it is, I really didn't expect him to do that for me so yes, I was extremely euphoric on the inside.

When I called his name, I didn't even look at Carl and just did my best to make eye contact with him. Carl kept trying to interrupt though by asking "What is a metal mesh?" but Prince kind of ignored him and just continued talking with me about the possibilities of creating the facade of my project. At one point though, when there was a short break in the conversation, Carl re-asked the same question and Prince answered him so I broke eye contact for a couple of seconds. When we resumed talking again though, I resumed making eye contact with him and he really does have brown eyes.

Anyway, we made eye contact throughout the conversation and I made sure to smile at some points and he smiled sometimes as well. My body position was initially facing away from him (since Carl was nearby) but when I noticed that his feet were pointing towards me, I immediately faced him as well to show positive body language and I just don't know but it was the eye contact that made that conversation for me.

He rarely blinked and I just felt like he was looking at me. I was both nervous and happy at the same time and at certain points, my voice cracked and shook a bit (I blame the coffee here too) but I did my best to cover up. In fact, whenever he was nearby, I'd get nervous and I'd push my hair away from my face.

At the end of the conversation, I gave him a really big smile (I think even my smile trembled from time to time when I was talking with him) and then I said "Thank you so much!" and then I touched his right shoulder before making a kind of awkward retreat.

Heck yeah did he look surprised. I was also surprised with myself because I thought about doing it but I didn't actually think I would. Maybe it's because I saw him shaking hands with Carl that morning that I felt jealous that both of them are close enough to make physical contact. Regardless, at least he didn't flinch away from me. He just looked shocked.

Speaking of which, while he was talking with me, his eyes seemed really big the whole time, even though he was wearing glasses. Also, he didn't dress very fashionably today. Maybe that's why I felt much better approaching him.

He's very thin though, I felt like I barely felt any flesh on him. He should eat more. :|

And I got really excited after talking with him so I left as soon as possible with Yu and I did my best to mask my excitement.

Heck yeah am I happy and I am still excited hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha. XD

Oh gosh, I really need to sleep.

I am happy that he doesn't hate me, that he is treating me slightly more than just a classmate, that he actually wants to help me, that he made eye contact with me etc. etc. etc.

I have definitely learnt my lesson from Law's case and I am thankful that I went through it so that now, at least and I hope, I won't screw up as badly as I did last time.

I felt like Carl felt defeated somehow. I think it's quite obvious that I like Prince now, that I'm interested in him. Oh, and I actually told two other friends about Prince, Shay and Elle. Shay knows more though and she knows about Carl liking me and she's kind of helping me in this sector. Thanks to her, I really wouldn't have been the person I am today socially, really.

Okay, I guess that's it for today. I am glad that I am progressing slowly, but surely, in making a friendship with Prince! I hope I won't screw up and that I will continue to have this kind of mindset because I really want to use it when completing my projects as well.

Today has been a really good day despite the sudden icy weather and cloudy sky.

Thank you so much, God, for this wonderful blessing that you have given to me. :)

Even in doubt

Yes, this is a reminder to myself to be brave, to have courage, and to take risks.

If I really want to become his friend, I can't just write blog posts about it and not take any action, I actually need to do something in real life, to show that I really want to be his friend.

For instance, I always look for my other classmates and I actually walk over to their place and talk with them for 10 minutes or so about the most randomest things so I would like to try and do that with him when I see him.

The topic doesn't even need to be very important, just so that I can link our friendship even closer, bit by bit every day.

So right now, or whenever, even though I am still scared of approaching him (although the fear has decreased slightly), I'll go and talk with him. I do feel more comfortable now to talk with him and I do want to keep this momentum going.

I oovoo-ed with Skye, Rainie and Summer today, extremely early in the morning, and they all just said that I should talk with him more and they also suggested that I sit on the bus together with him during the field trip.

At first I really felt reluctant to and I was scared to but now that I really think about it, I know I will regret it if I don't and I will regret it even more if Prince only sits with Carl or if he sits with Acia only, worst case scenario.

Or, he could be sitting with another guy that isn't in our studio but I think is coming along.

Regardless of what is to come, I want to sit next to him at least once and to hold a conversation with him, to get to know him better.

I pray and I hope that I will still have this kind of fire in me the next time that I see him.

It's getting late now and I want to sleep so that I can wake up early and do my assignment. Hopefully I will be able to finish everything by tomorrow. It isn't much I suppose so I just hope that I can really concentrate tomorrow and finish them all off so that she can check it and if I still need to improve, I will have time during the holidays to do so.

I will think in a more simple manner, as much as possible, from now on.

P.S. Xia knows that I like Prince now. We talked for a long time just now and I feel like we're slowly getting closer. :)

Natural

Whenever I talk to people, I feel really happy and I don't know why. Why was I so shy to talk with people the last couple of years?

Anyway, I got to the classroom earlier than Prince so I sat in the back and presently I was joined by one of my friends (Rosa, I told her about Prince as well and we got quite close through Facebook chat) and another friend (Olivia, I haven't bonded with her very closely yet) and then Isa came along.

Olivia, Rosa, and I discussed some of the lecture topics together while Isa sat by herself trying to read through my notes and I felt bad for her but she really needs to take up some responsibility, especially since she's older than me. I think she's too dependent on her parents.

So while we were discussing questions, Prince arrived and he sat two rows directly behind me and I was surprisingly cooler than I thought I would be. It felt a bit awkward though since I repeatedly went out from the classroom and I did my best to not ogle at him. By then people were moving forward to get in line for the oral examination so when he got up, I waited a bit then I went in front as well. I asked another friend, Lisa, if she was the last but she said no.

Lisa: He's the one after me. *Points to the back*

Me: Ah, P-Prince. *He looks up* Who's after you?

Prince: Uh... No one.

Me: Then can I be after you?

Prince: Sure.

Me: Thanks!

At one point, I think when I said his name, he gave a small grin and I couldn't help myself so I responded back with a huge smile. 

Oh I felt so weird saying his name out loud. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So I moved in front and sat in the same row as him although I wasn't near him because I was scared that I would annoy him and bother him so I didn't.

I ended up talking with Yu (who came late) and Isa after that but I managed to cram in some last minute notes (which was miraculously what the lecturer asked me, thank goodness I read it!) but I didn't look at him too often.

He was all jittery and he kept moving his left arm and whenever someone talked he would look.

Like when I called Lisa by her full name he looked at me as well since her back name sounds like the last part of his real name and I got a bit embarrassed by that but I pretended that I didn't notice that he looked up.

After his turn was done I talked with him for a bit but I couldn't stay for long since it was my turn so yeah, it was a bit sad. There was also another guy there so I couldn't talk freely.

He left a few moments before I did and I felt a bit sad about that as well but it isn't like I own him or anything so I have no right to feel sad.

I talked a lot today and I did my best to not make it too loud as I tend to do that around the guy that I like. I hope he didn't feel annoyed with me.

I just hope that he sees me as a friend, someone nice to talk with freely.

Thanks to him, I didn't feel so nervous about the exam anymore. We even got the same score HAHAHAHA. But yeah...

I'll be resting today and tomorrow I'll start to work hard again for my final exam. Lucky for him, he finished it all already. I'll do that next time so Ill have a longer break hahahaha.

A courageous step

I feel quite proud with myself today.

Let's rewind to the beginning.

I got to the examination room and when I looked inside I saw that there were only a few people so I thought I'd be able to take my test and finish it fast so I plopped myself on a seat and proceeded to try and calm my nerves down since it was going to be the first time I will sit for an oral exam that wasn't language related.

A few minutes after I sat down, Prince came in and again, we made brief eye-contact before he sat at the other side of the room and I was a bit shocked cause I thought that he took the exam yesterday.

At one point the professor said something and I asked the guy sitting next to me what she said, cause I wasn't paying attention, and at that point Prince looked our way.

So there we were, waiting for our turn, me trying to cram more notes into my already panicked brain when suddenly this voice began speaking up in my head.

Mind: I want to talk with him. I want to talk with him. I want to talk with him.

Me: What the hell?! No! We're supposed to be studying!

Mind: But I want to talk with him! I want to-

Me: Okay, look here. We're going to pay attention to Bernini and read up more Baroque notes.

Mind: Aw, c'mon. Don't tell me you don't want to talk with him.

Me: Of course I do but I don't have a reason to talk with him.

Mind: If only you had sat on that side just now...

Me: Yeah, I know. I could've asked him questions.

Mind: Yeah, but now you're in the same room with him. You can still approach him.

Me: But how? I don't have a reason to. We should just go back to studying.

So I went back to studying but I kept on remembering this video I saw that encouraged me to try and accept rejection and to be more brave.

If I didn't mention it earlier, I'll mention it now. I have a huge phobia of rejection.

But I really wanted to talk with him.

At around the 2 hour mark, my phone's mobile network refused to co-operate with me when I needed to find information on Juvarra's Superga in Turin. And throughout that 2 hour period I said to myself, if the network starts to go crazy, I'll go talk with him.

Mind: This is the moment. Go now. Go.

Me: But, I'm not ready. I'm scared.

Mind: Think about the 3 seconds of no nervousness.

Me: What-

Mind: 1. 2. 3.

I got up with a slight hesitation but I made my way to his place.

Me: Hey, can I borrow your book? I need to look up on something.

Prince: Ah, okay.

He seemed a bit shocked, I think, that I actually approached him. This is something I rarely did last time before I got into university but now, I guess I'm slowly becoming a bit more open.

I was going to sit in front of him, bringing the book with me but something made me stop (I don't know what) and I sat beside him instead.

My heart was beating fast the whole time and I kept telling myself to think of him as a friend and to stop being so freaking nervous. I just thought that I made the first move without actually making him realise that I did the first move and made him think that he made the first move by borrowing the book to me.

I thumbed through the pages and then I asked him a question and before I knew it, we were talking about history and discussing stuff and he even helped cleared up some info for me. 

Another good thing is that while we were talking, he even offered up information about himself that I didn't ask about. The bad thing was that I almost only used questions and I didn't offer up info about myself and he didn't ask anything either. It's a good start though.

I was so nervous throughout that time and I was literally shaking but that could also be because of the cold but I kept putting my hands down cause whenever I lifted them up they began shaking. I guess he was nervous about talking with me as well since it was the first time we talked and we talked for a very long time, for almost an hour in fact.

If we were in another place, maybe I would have talked more enthusiastically or something but we were in the room so I did my best to keep my voice low.

He was really kind to me when we were speaking, helping me out and all. He maintained eye contact and he even smiled and grinned. I also feel bad for stopping him from drinking water several times. =-=;

I initially thought his fingers were shaking because he was afraid of the test but when I asked him if he was nervous for the test he said 'no' but he could have been making a white lie. I mean, why else would he be nervous?

Towards the end we got quiet but it wasn't really awkward for some reason. I didn't feel awkward with him like how I feel when I'm with other people when things suddenly become quiet. I didn't feel that kind of atmosphere.

In fact, I felt more relaxed and at peace after I talked with him.

During the break time, after I talked with the professor, I went back to my seat because I was scared that I annoyed him and that he wouldn't want to sit with me after that. He talked with Acia in Serbian during the break. He approached her first and I felt a bit sad. At several points in our conversation he looked over at her and I just felt bad, like I was too boring to talk with and that he wanted to talk with her instead. So I just felt bad about myself.

While he was taking his test, I'd look at him every now and then.

At one point, I think he was thinking about something, he looked my way even though his sitting posture's orientation was the other way and I made eye-contact with him for more than a few seconds so I felt a bit relieved. I really don't want him to hate me. We both were one of the last ones to take the test and he even let a girl go before him.

When I got back I told Anna about what happened and how I was worried that he could be hating me and that he might find me annoying but she told me to compare him and another one of our guy friends and to try and replay that situation with the other guy friend.

I did and I realised that if I had done that with the other friend, it would have been more awkward even though I've known the other guy for a longer time.

It could be that Prince didn't mind speaking with me or he's just extremely kind.

Then Anna proceeded to reassure me that guys are naturally simple. If they like you, they like you. If they don't like you, they don't like you. So they'll just be very honest with the people that they talk with. Honest as in they'll only talk with you if they think you're nice.

And yes, that was very reassuring indeed.

This has been a very very very big step for me indeed and I feel so glad that I didn't chicken out this time unlike in my previous cases with Law.

Maybe that's why I had to like Law first, to get the regretful experience so that I'll be scared to ever get such an experience again and that I'll take a risk.

It was nerve wrecking alright but now I have more courage to speak with him. Naturally I won't be all over him like what happened last time but I will be more calmer and hopefully, he'll see me as someone good to talk with.

We are similar in a lot of ways, from what I can tell from the little bit of information that he shared with me.

For one, he cooks for his roommates (Anna asked why didn't I tell him about me cooking for her =-=) and he also thinks about being thrifty (cause cooking for his roommates is cheaper, says he XD).

I hope that I'll get more opportunities to talk with him and that I'll become an even better person and maybe, just maybe, he'll see me as someone nice.

Thank you, God, for all the wonderful things you gave to me today. It was such a lovely present after all the things that I had to go through this week. :)

And there I was, thinking that I wouldn't still be liking him.

PS. Notice how much calmer I am in this post compared to the ones I wrote when I liked Law and when the smallest things related with Law happened to me. I have changed, for the better I hope. I think it was a really good idea to keep this love blog cause now I can keep track of the changes that I've been through.

PSS. He was writing with a colour pen (dark swamp green), the same brand as my colour pens. Yeah, I felt happy about that hahahahahahaha. And we both wore dark blue sweaters and I swear, I did not stalk him. XD