As busy as a bee

I find my brain so terribly masochistic. I got a dream about Prince yesterday and I completely forgot what happened in the dream but I do know for sure that my hopes got raised up high in that dream so that when I woke up in real life they came crashing back down.

It is pretty surprising though that I got that dream of him yesterday when I wasn't even thinking about him a lot yesterday since I was busy as hell, helping out at the exhibition... As a bride.

Oh gosh, the sheer embarrassment of having to sit down on a chair on stage with a fake as hell smile and do nothing is absolutely painful.

But there are tiny perks here and there (people saying 'sayonara' and 'konichiwa' to me because they think I'm Japanese, kids thinking I'm a princess, people calling me pretty; which to be honest I don't mind but I do know they're lying).

But this blog is about guys (more or less) so I will skip all of the events regarding those situations and go on to the apparently more "important topics".

Maybe it's just because of the thick make-up (concealing bad skin and eye bags), or the pink outfit, or the heels, or the hair but people kept looking at me, Asian guys in particular.

Our performance group was passing by the stall representing China when I happened to look at a couple of guys there and I noticed that one guy was staring at me like I was some kind of ghost or something (probably a right assumption there) and then he said something to his other friends and they began to turn around and look at me. I gave them another glance and then our group left.

So on that occasion, I thought I got their attention because of my heels and pink dress and I immediately squashed my hopes using that.

When we finally reached our stall, I changed after a few minutes so that I could go and walk around with one of my friends (I was the youngest volunteer there, the next youngest one being 32) and then I went out of the changing room and I waited around for her and that was when I noticed that the Chinese lion dance group was sitting at one of the tables at the mess hall in front of us.

I was about to avert my gaze when I noticed that a guy was looking at me and again he said something to his friend and his friend turned in my direction and looked as well. Surprisingly, they kept looking for a long time, longer than I expected, and they still kept looking after my friend and I left.

So on that occasion, I think that I got their attention because I still had my make-up on.

Oh the shock they'll get when they see how I really go about in real life. They'll probably leave me  within 10 seconds.

The big surprise here is that I don't feel flattered by this, rather a bit sad.

Why?

Because it further confirms that Prince had no interest in me because he never looked at me in that way and for the rest of evening, that was one of the few things that remained in my mind.

I'm scared that I'll see him there and how I'll react if I do.

I kept imagining that he's in the crowd, worst yet if he's with his girlfriend.

I'm sure as hell that my reaction will be priceless.

I do find that I can get attracted to people quite easily (my 17-year-old Italian fake spouse for example) as long as I think of them several times but somehow I just can't allow myself to do so at the moment.

Nevertheless, I'm going to sleep now and then I'll wake up early to do some Math exercises hopefully.

The honest and painful truth

I feel like a complete fool now. Like a total complete fool.


Rainie and Summer already asked me to ignore him already for the rest of my time in college but I just had to text him one more time.


But how am I supposed to ignore him when I hardly talk or SMS with him in the first place?


That's one of the lame reasons why I decided to text him.

Me: Hope today test wasn't too hard. :) Rest well and study hard!

Law: Its physics paper 5. Kinda like peka but abit harder cause you gotta plan yourself. Its not bad though since there is alof of freedom. (Grammar errors I know)

Me: Hate that paper the most. It's like practical and I suck at that. The freedom bit got its cons cause then you don't know if you're right or wrong.

I waited for thirty minutes before I texted him but now I regret it.

Cause maybe, I was playing too hard to get.

Regardless, I'm really going to ignore him on Thursday. For real. At least there's an excuse for me to ignore him now.

Cause I can't do it tomorrow as there's no school tomorrow.

Also... I really do think that he and Ivy is together.

She spammed his timeline with kitten videos again and he commented two minutes before I went online.

And then, I found out that I couldn't see his activity in the activity slot on the right side panel.

June wasn't very supportive with how I felt but in a way, that's good I guess.

I really.... I really feel sad and upset right now.

This really seems like Sumire no Blue but I know that I won't end up with him.

And somehow, knowing that hurts me really bad.

I honestly feel like crying but I can't cause my mom's right in front of me.

Want to know what my love prediction says???

Your efforts will soon bring wonderful - well earned - success and happiness.

Thank the universe for all the love you will receive and soon you will start to see the wonderful changes.

What a laugh. I really don't see how any of them will happen.

Was I too late in acting and doing anything?

I don't know. I have no idea.

The worse bit is that I still am holding onto this small bit of hope in my heart that keeps telling me to just hold on.

I thought the second time I'd like a guy (that I actually know and talk to) and get pushed away would be less painful.

But it hurts even more.

It does.

I think I'm going to call Helen before I go to sleep.

Cause I'm too ashamed of myself to call my sisters. But maybe I will later.

Can't tell Summer cause she's stressed out about her school activities now.

After exercising just now, I felt really better but now...

It just sucks like hell.

At a nonplus

I saw him sitting at a distance in front of me during the first break with a different group of friends and I felt like he looked my way a couple of times but then again I was too busy finishing up my Malaysian Studies assignment to even ogle at him.


I couldn't wait for second break to come any faster.


The minute I got out of English class, I went to pick June up in her class and then we went downstairs to buy lunch.


I placed my miscellaneous items on a table quite near where Law was sitting during the first break cause I figured that he wouldn't sit in the same place again.


So I went to buy lunch and when I came back, Sasha was sitting with one of my international friends, Lee Anne, at the table where I placed my things so I just sat down with them. Presently, June and Jean came around and sat down as well.


Then, when I had just begun to eat, I saw that Law walked by to my left (even though my sight was slightly blocked by Lee Anne and June who were sitting to my left) and that he sat down at the table right next to us.


After that, I couldn't really pay attention to what I was scooping into my mouth and I'm pretty sure I looked like a mess.


Throughout that time, my cheeks were burning up and it was so hot I actually wondered if I had a fever.


Sasha said to me "And again, another good location." I started to blush even harder and I looked away.


June also said that she saw Law looking at our table as if to see who was sitting there.


I've never seen him do that.


I hope I can trust June's sight.


Helen came to our place and started to tell me that she had lost something and naturally I listened to her but then she got up and went cause she said she needed to find some people.


I continued to sit there with the rest of them before I got up and went to buy ice creams with June and when we sat back down, Jean, Sasha and Lee Anne started to get up.


And so it was down to the both of us.


Over at his table as well, two of his friends (the couple) left and it was down to him, another guy friend and Ray who somehow kept on going to Law's table throughout break.


And then it became really tense cause almost every table around us was empty.


Then, June announced that we should go so I complied and I followed her to the sink where she washed her hands.


Then, Helen called me to tell me that she had found the thing that she lost and I began talking to her.


I noticed that Law and his friends also got up but then he started walking towards the main stairs so I felt slightly relieved.


But then, just as I took a step towards the hallway to the main stairs, he turned around and made his way towards me and I think he wanted to say something, I really do.


But I was fool cause I was too scared and nervous that I kept on saying to Helen on the phone "Wait! No! Wait! No! Wait! No!" repeatedly.


And we just passed by each other.


He and a friend was right behind me and Helen as we walked up the stairs.


I had to go to their lecture hall after that to meet some seniors and I think he was a bit surprised at that cause he kept on looking in my direction when I was there.


But tell me, if you weren't interested in that person, would you still continue to look at them?


I wish I could just text him right now or call him and talk to him.


But so many people is asking me to wait.


Like this prediction: Stay on the course, keep looking for the good and things will go your way in the long run - even if they don't appear to be working out in the short run.


And I admit, I was pretty shocked at one of the horoscope readings which went:


Mercury's retrograde phase brought him back into your communication sector on the 24th March, creating a second chance to give the past and unsaid words a voice. As Mercury turns direct today hold onto that opportunity and take this with you into the future, learning from past experience. This comes just as Venus returns to your work sector and when finding a balance between your personal and professional lives becomes a lot more important. You can't achieve the right balance without communication.


That was the day of the Election Board party and the day he first talked to me about something other than school.


How did it know???!


So I asked whether or not we'd be able to talk tomorrow and I got this:


Reactions positive to what you are seeking. Trying is not needed, only desire to do.


So you know what? I'm just going to take another risk of looking stupid and I'm going to greet him tomorrow with a smile and a "Hi" and hopefully, he won't hate me.

Actually, I have no idea what to do

Today was the Election Board party and it was a bit stressful but it was a success. :)


All the seniors said they had fun so I feel super relieved to know that.


Now I have to spend my whole day tomorrow with work.


I need to type reports, make a budget and study for my maths test on Monday.


I will do them all so I will sleep soon to get enough rest.




So... You must be wondering... 


Did anything happen between me and Law?




In a way... yes.


But you can say that it wasn't really anything either.




Let me just tell the small events that happened.




When he arrived, I saw that he looked at me but then I made myself busy so that I would be able to resist the urge to stare at him the whole time.


We sat far away from each other the whole time and we were in close proximity only a couple of times.


The year ones and year twos weren't mixing so I decided to make everyone play games.


While I was speaking, he was looking at me and smiling and I wanted to look at him so badly all the time but I only did a few times.


Correction, he was grinning.


He always grins whenever I talk.


Like the time when I had to make a speech in front of the Public Speaking Club to get them to make me their secretary.


And then we played a game that required us to play rock-paper-scissors with everyone. Everyone will get 5 stickers initially. People will then go around playing and the winner would get a sticker from the loser. The one with the most stickers will win.


And so that's what I did.


I was really scared to approach him.


Like super nervous.


But, somehow, we found each other.


I didn't see him coming from the front so by the time I raised my hands, I realised that I was about to play with him.


Neither of us said a word but when he won, he grinned and then I gave him a sticker saying "Here!" in a kind of angry but playful tone before I moved on.


I actually touched him.


Okay now it's truly sinking in.


I touched his left arm when I stuck the sticker on him.


Anyway, I actually pronounced him as the winner of the game and I said his name out loud but turns out, another person had more stickers so the other person won.


Moving on...


During the second game, I had to pass out balloons out to everyone and that helped me to erase some of my fears a bit so I felt a bit more confident in talking with my seniors.


Then, I came up to him and said "Law! Here you can choose one." But then he said "No, I'm not playing." Then I think I said "Oh, it's okay!" Before I went to another human. I overheard Angel asking him why he wasn't playing and he said something like he has OCD.


During the third game, we sat across from each other but I hardly looked at him. I sat next to Rainie's pet, Melrose, and I'm thankful that we sat next to each other and that we weren't awkward or anything with each other.


An open water gun war followed that and I just stepped back and laughed at the people who were going for it. Law didn't really join in either. He chose a good spot (one with a lot of electrical appliances) so no one could shoot at him.


Then, we played truth or dare.


Despite the fact that other year two seniors were playing with fireworks, he didn't even went to join them and I had a feeling that he wanted to stay on cause he wanted to know something.


When it got to his turn, he said "Truth." Apparently, he was feeling very generous today.


And then a senior asked "Do you like Tahlia?" and then he gave this weird laughing face that had this question mark on it. Everyone kept on asking who Tahlia was.


There is a girl called Tahlia from the year ones but the way that people kept on questioning, it was as if they weren't implying her.


Or at least, I hope it didn't.


Then, Ray asked him "Who do you think is the most attractive girl here?"


Law said "Angel la!" but the other guys said that he couldn't pick her so after Angel beat up the guy, Ray rephrased his question.


"Who from the year ones do you find the most attractive?"


So, Law went to the middle saying "Let me see them all first, I haven't really looked at all of them."


I didn't want to look at him at all not because I thought I'd get chosen but because I didn't want to see who he picked.


In the end though, he just asked who had a similar surname with him and then he picked the girl and both of them high-fived each other.


As he was returning to his seat, I overheard one of the seniors say to him "You're escaping."


Now that I think about it, it was the same senior who was with him last Thursday when Law kept on passing by me.


I don't want to raise my hopes.


But somehow, somehow, I felt that he meant me.


A lot of people were asking him to say the truth but he just kept quiet.


So I guess that he likes someone from the year ones but I have no idea who.


Then, I kept on waiting for my turn and every time the bottle was spun, it never got me.


Then, when I was about to give up, the bottle turned to me and I felt a bit nervous.


They asked me "Truth or Dare?" and so I said "Truth."


Everyone was racking their brains to think of a question when Blair suddenly said, "Wait, I've got a question." And then, I knew it was coming before she even said those four words.


"Who do you like?"


I tell you, my mind went blank just like that and I'm pretty sure I was stuttering all over the place.


"Well... He's a guy."


Yes, that's what I said.


When I looked up, I noticed that Law was gone and so was Angel but I don't know how to properly analyse that now so I'll just leave it at there.


And then, everyone asked "Who?" 


"Is it someone from college?"
"What's his name?"
"At least give his initials!" (This was Ray. He had to tell the name of the person he liked which is another senior who isn't in the Election Board)


My mouth kept on opening and closing and then Melrose said that she think she knew who.


Then she whispered into my ears "Is he here now?" I nodded my head.


"Is it Law?"


I shrieked.


Literally.


Law wasn't in his seat, but I could still see him.


Then, people started coming to me and made guesses so in the end, a few seniors found out.


Then Ray asked, "Is it someone here?"


It took awhile but I said yes.


Melrose then asked everyone to drop the subject cause then it would be very awkward for me so they obliged.


Blair came up to me after that saying that Law is a good guy.


Melrose on the other hand kept on asking why I liked him and I got all girly with her. I even found out that he used to like Angel (I kind of guessed that) and that another year one likes him (and I think I know who it is as well cause she also wanted to bake a cake).


Then, the cake I baked was brought out and people asked who baked it so I said it was me.


Then, while I was busy picking up rubbish and stuff, Law began talking with me.

Law: Hey Beth! (He said my name! And he pronounced it correctly!) Did you learn to make this cake through the Food Fest?

Me: Huh? What Food Fest?

Law: Oh-

Me: Oh! The Food Fest! I didn't go to it! No, I didn't get the recipe from there!

Law: So you've always baked from last time?

Me: Yeah.

Then I smiled and returned to my work even though I was dying to talk with him longer.

He actually smiled and grinned at me when we spoke but I didn't dare to look at him for too long.

He ate the cake and he took a good slice of it too so I feel really happy. :)

Then, I did my best to stay back as long as possible but my parents made it impossible.

When I finally got the courage to be near him, I had to leave already.

I had just sat down opposite him (he was standing) to observe my seniors and my lecturer play Mah Jong, and I had just begun to converse with my seniors (and Law even joined in a bit) when my phone rang.

While I talked to my parents everyone else was silent.

When I said that I'd walk to the nearby gas station so that my parents could find me easier, all of them looked terrified. Or was their look a look of awe?

Another senior drove me to the gas station even though I really wanted him to do it but I think he didn't bring his car.




So I guess this is it.


I don't know how else to improve this situation. How to get to know him better.


Cause after this week, I won't see him again and just knowing that makes me feel really really really sad.


And knowing that he possibly likes another person from the year ones makes me feel even more sad.




It's okay though.


If my feelings for him a really strong, then I'll just wait for him.


Because, I really like him.


PS. We actually called each other's name to get each other's attention. And also since he smiled and talked with me after the Truth or Dare game, I'm assuming that he doesn't know I like him (which is hard to believe) or that he's okay with me liking him.


PSS. After looking at a photo one of my seniors posted online, I knew I wasn't dreaming when I said he was smiling at me while I was telling people about the games. And, what's more, he's probably the only one smiling. The rest just had the "Whaaaaat?" look on their face so please, tell me what that means!!!!

For sure, it wasn't a dream.

He replied to my SMS last night.


Yes, I am still a bit in shock.


"Oh no, don't fret bout it. Thanks for asking."


I can analyse his words in many ways but the main point here is that he doesn't hate me.


Also, he cares enough to send me back a reply even though it was sent 40 minutes after I pressed the "sent" button.


"No problem.  :) "


I took 10 minutes racking my brains, trying to find the perfect sentence to use to reply to his message and that was the safest bet even though I wanted to risk asking "What are you doing now?" but that might have been a bit too much.


Today, I saw him during both of the breaks even though I didn't really expect to see him.


That was cause during the first break, I had to go for a mini Public Speaking Club meeting about what we were going to do for the club meeting tomorrow.


We were about to finish when I happened to glance to my right and then I saw him.


Looking at me.


And then, I looked away immediately.


I noticed that whenever I catch a glimpse of him looking at me, it's always me who looks away.


I won't do that anymore.


I'll just look back and give him a smile.


Continuing on, I turned to look in front and was about to read Catching Fire when Jean just pulled the book away and began reading it.


She's a bit rude, I know but that's just her being a kid.


So I started to holler at her cause she was literally running away with the book and I really wanted to read it so I kept blackmailing her with her handphone but in the end, I had to chase after her, screaming like a cow.


And almost throughout that time, Law was within earshot of the whole commotion.


In the end, I said to Jean, "Thank you for ruining my reputation in front of the entire school."


I'm pretty sure Law heard me say that because he was right behind me.


So I turned towards the staircase and started to go up even though the bell hasn't rung yet.


When I looked behind, I saw that Law and his friends were also coming up and I wanted to hasten my steps but instead, I began reading Catching Fire to slow me down a bit and I slowed down so much that Law almost caught up to me.


Then, when I was about to reach the top of the stairs, Ray called out to me and we began talking about the Election Board party and Law walked right pass by so I got a bit sad cause I had to keep the conversation going so I couldn't say "Hi" to him.


During the second break, I sat at our table first since I got out of class earlier. Then, some friends came and sat with me before June came and sat with me.


When I looked up, I saw that Law was sitting in front of me, a table away.


My mind went "Hasn't this happened before?"


Even Sasha commented that I somehow always get "strategic places" but I chose those seats in the first place.


Okay, so maybe I know where he likes to sit most of the time but that doesn't mean he'll always sit somewhere near there.


My friends and I waited around a bit when the bell rang off and I noticed that his group did the same and they only left when we left.


Anyhow, I need to get going to sleep. :)


Night.


PS. Roy tried to sit near me today but I really showed him that I wasn't interested and I feel kind of mean for doing that but at least I'm not giving him hope or leading him on or anything like that.