What is this?

A few hours ago, I actually felt fine with how things are going, probably because I went out and had a bit of a social life today.

Prince isn't the only guy out there. He is definitely not.

I just don't want him to be mad at me or pissed at me or hate me for that matter and here I am being an over-dramatic/over-reactive female, thinking that he's avoiding me online on Facebook cause I haven't seen him online in ages.

Gosh I hate the way my brain works.

He's probably busy with something else but I can't seem to convince myself with that no matter how hard I try to.

I must remember, he isn't the only guy out there.

The only way I can distract myself from thinking that he's the only one out there is by thinking that somewhere out there, there is a guy like Narita Shinogu from Hot Gimmick who could possibly be the one for me.

I would like love to find a guy like him. Well, minus the part that he's in love with his adopted sister, he is my perfect guy.

I hope that, at the very least, tomorrow won't have a bad turn out. It can be as uneventful and as boring as it wants but I just don't want any thing to worsen what little friendship I have with Prince.

I will design my project after this before I sleep. At least I was slightly a bit more productive today.

Sent

Because of the incident yesterday, Tia asked me to inbox him and I did.

And I am really trying to put my hopes down as low as possible but annoyingly, they just raise themselves up even higher and I freaking hate that cause now I'm in a really uninspired mood now which is bad since my exams are like super super soon.

The reason why I didn't want to add him is because I still wanted to live in a dream, that he is the perfect guy bla bla bla even though he probably isn't.

Well, that is true in a sense.

The minute when I saw that he went clubbing and all, I felt myself loose a bit of interest.

I just like guys who are really good and nice and probably the only guy that fits that bill that I've wrote about is Victor.

Of course I haven't gotten to know Prince that well yet but I can already see that I am definitely not suitable for him.

In this world, I feel like I'm still a child while almost everyone in class is an adult, going to clubs, smoking, drinking and what not.

And that's when I start to fear that because of peer pressure, I'll change and become someone that I will absolutely detest. I'm scared that I'll change for the worse.

I'd really like to blame my good girl image, the girl who doesn't like drinking and clubbing, because I feel like I'm cut off from socialising with people.

Okay, I will go off soon. I really need to do my work.

After a month

Hey there. :)

I haven't posted anything up in a month and it's not like I'm not experiencing any love-ish related subjects but because, well partly, I've been busy studying and getting ready to go to Milan, Italy to sit for my entrance exams there for a university and well, I need to work hard.

The other reason is, well, I've been trying to distract myself from Law. Like really.

I tried to look at other guys and I must admit, I make myself get really high and all but that feeling is only for a moment, nothing that I've experienced when I liked Law.

So...

I didn't even dare to look at his Facebook page after the last time that I texted him.

And I just went to look at it a few moments ago cause I thought I was brave enough for, I don't know, anything that'll disappoint me cause, I mean, it's already been a month, it should be okay right?

The first thing I saw was a couple of status updates and I was all cool and okay.

And then, I saw him taking a picture with Ivy and I just know that they are together already.

I won't go into much detail but let's just say that she's part of his group already.

And even though it's been more than a month, my heart still beat fast and I was really disappointed.

I felt upset. Crestfallen. Sad. Whatever other sad word that you can put in here.


And wow my song player just had to give me a sad song right now haha.

The song is called "Kissしたまま、さよなら" by 東方神起 (Tohoshinki). I love this song, really.


Anyway, whenever I tried to look at another guy or whenever I was a within a close proximity with any of them, my heart never did beat hard for them and I did not get whatsoever butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, I got high when I was near them, but not for the reasons that I got high whenever I was near Law.


I found out someone liked me, even during the time when I was like super ugly, and yes, that's flattering but I just can't seem to like him. Interested is probably as close as I can get to right now.

I tried liking this guy, whom June penned "Broccoli" but whom I shall coin Victor, and yes he's sweet and all and he and I actually talk but I know he isn't interested in any relationship at the moment cause he wants to concentrate on his studies and all and I also don't feel anything much for him.


And wow again, my song player is now playing 東方神起's With All My Heart which is a sad song as well.


Anyway, I just can't seem to forget him that easily. Just like Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines haha. 

Never thought I could really relate to that poem but hey ho I just did!

I keep thinking about that photo of him and Ivy but I will do my best to forget it.


And so, I also found another distraction, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I've had a crush on him ever since I saw him in 500 Days of Summer and I watched him in Inception as well but I just started to admire him even more in The Dark Knight Rises.

He owns this company called hitRECord which I intend to join once I'm partly satisfied with my skills and when I have the time to.

I'm actually supposed to be studying now... but Law just set me off.

Anyway, this "regular Joe" inspires me to be myself and to become better and I really hope that I'll get to meet him one day and impress him. :)


There was something that I wanted to say but I forgot haha. Never mind.

But I plan on posting a post about every single text between Law and I before I leave and I know I still like him cause even though I just got a smartphone (woohoo for me), I still cherish my old Sony Ericsson. I still can't bring myself to delete the texts.

And I just remembered what I wanted to say.

I'm now more afraid and cautious when I try to like someone and now, more than ever, I feel so discouraged to like any guy cause I feel like I don't deserve anyone or that I don't deserve to be liked by anyone.

Not like I'm going to turn into a lesbian but I now am leaning more to one sided crushes (i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lee Jong Hyun) cause it's safer cause I won't be anywhere near them embarrassing myself and not making any weird moves to get closer to them.


And that's about it for now I guess. I'm still going to update from time to time and I will definitely be more of myself haha.

It'll really take some time for me to heal but hopefully, I will.

Could've possibly screwed up, big time

Well... I texted him today and I asked about his tournament.


It was going okay but towards the end, his answers got shorter and when I asked him if he was busy, he said yes.


I know that he's a nice guy and all but I can't help thinking and feeling that he's really annoyed with me and I really don't want that.


It's almost 1 am by the way, here where I am.


You know, cause of his text, I'm feeling really sad and discouraged.


And that's how I know that I still like him.


Need to go and sleep though. Hopefully he doesn't hate me.

Isn't it obvious?

I know now for sure that Ivy likes him.


She posted on his timeline: Why didn't we take a picture together?


She got 3 likes, all from her close friends.


Luckily, none from his.




Honestly, I don't know how I'll be able to compete with her cause she's super skinny, has a face that's crystal clear and she's noticeably more shorter than him.


I'm the complete opposite.




I'm not sure if Law is playing with my feelings or not but I do know for sure that the next time he sees me, he'll see a completely different person and maybe, perhaps, he'd feel regret.


Regret for what? I'm not exactly sure.


This transformation process is a bit hard, but I'm determined to succeed.




But he doesn't seem like the type to play around with anyone's feelings from what I can observe and from what I gather.




Why did he pick me to go after him?


Why didn't he pick anyone else?


Was it because he didn't know anyone else?


Not really, cause he knows Jean and at that time, she was also available to be chosen since she didn't get the chance to play yet.


And when he chose me, he didn't even pause to think when Ms Dee asked him the question.


Like he knew he was going to choose me.




I've got a Physics test tomorrow so I'm turning in early tonight.


I must strive harder to become beautiful.

Sumire no Blue

I felt like reading Obata Yuuki's Sumire no Blue just now.


I haven't read mangas in a long time so it took awhile for me to get adjusted to it.


But all in all, I can finally relate to that story. Like for real.


I could never understand the whole "I like him, I hope he doesn't hate me" and "I won't give up on liking him" and all that.


For girls who are in a bit of a love dilemma and for those who are uncertain about what to do to act on your feelings, you guys will be able to relate to this manga very well.


I know I did. I got several heartcramps and I almost felt like crying.


Cause I know, I really do know, exactly how she felt.




But why did I really feel like reading that?




Well, today, I felt like I just had to text him after I saw what Ivy posted on his timeline.




I saw him early in the morning with Ray at the assembly hall, studying for their trials today and I did my best to not look in his direction. Then, when June came, we both went upstairs but then after we placed our bags in the lecture hall, we went back down cause I needed to buy paper clips and sweets (they keep me awake during lectures).


So when we were going back, I stopped by the table where I usually sit at in the morning while waiting for everyone to come to show Helen my sweets.


And she confiscated them.


So I got a little bit crazy cause I really needed to keep myself awake with them but she only gave me three sweets.


And I fell asleep during Biology because of that. Haha.


Anyway, June and I went back up after that.




Then, I asked June whether or not I should text him but she discouraged me saying that it would be too obvious and she gave other reasons as well so my courage faded and I got disheartened.


I went to the washroom towards the end of the second lecture and when I came out, Sasha also happened to come out and she smiled at me.

Sasha: Hey. :)

Me: Hey hey. :)

Sasha: Did you know what happened when you went up just now?

Me: Huh?

Sasha: When Helen was confiscating your sweets?

Me: What happened?

Sasha: When you went up, he kept on looking at our table.

Me: Are you sure?

Sasha: Yes.

And then I got so much energy and positive feelings from all of those.

So during the first break, I sat with Helen and a couple of other friends (although I'm not really close with those guys) as well as Roy and also with another one of my friends who knows about Law, Trish.

I updated Trish abut Law and then she said that I should just text him.

I typed out a text and my thumb was hovering around the 'send' button so Helen got impatient and she just pressed my thumb.

And then I hid my phone.

And when I heard my message tone, I didn't even bother to check cause I just squealed.

Helen checked it for me and she confirmed that it was indeed him.

Here are the few texts that we sent each other back and forth.

Me: Hey hey.  :)  How was exam just now?

Law: Physics... Killer.... My god it was worst than chemistry.

Me: What paper was it oh? Paper 2? Can't imagine anything worse than chemistry. :S

Law: Its paper 4 which is kinda like paper 2. We dont have objective anymore...

Me: That sucks like bad. At least you got Wednesday!  :)  So no test for one day. Darnigans. Just realised you're in exam now.

Okay, you should know something.

I only got brave enough to do that cause I thought that he would have left college as soon as the first paper ended.

But he didn't.

And I got the shock of my life when I saw that he was still standing outside the exam hall so Trish and I walked immediately into our lecture hall which is right across the exam hall.

When I told Ariel what I did, she told me that before I came and after I went into the lecture hall, he seemed to be always staring in the lecture hall's direction.

And he was one of the last ones to go inside the hall together with Ray.

His last message came at 10.27 am and his exam was supposed to start at 10.10 am.

Was he waiting for my reply???

For now, I can confirm that he really does know that it's me who's sending the messages.

Just remembered something, when he was talking with Ray while I was on my way up with Trish (after I replied him) when I saw him and he was smiling and grinning together with Ray.

He replied to me when I got inside the lecture hall.

I was blushing throughout that whole time.

I really don't know what to think of my situation now.

I'm currently talking with one of my old primary school mates, Mandy. Amazing how we can still talk very much like how we used to (except on a much more grown up level) and I'm telling her about Law cause she saw my journal on deviantart.

Also, my Chinese horoscope for today was this: Your love life is about to get extremely interesting today. If you are still single, you may meet someone whose religious beliefs, values or moral traditions are different from yours. Keep an open mind, they might not be as different as you think.

And tomorrow it's this: It's a very romantic day today. You will be a bit scattered and day-dreamy, with your head in the clouds. Fortunately for you there is an old fuddy-duddy in your family who grabs you by the ankles and pulls you back down to earth at moments like this.

And supposedly, throughout this week, it's a very good romantic week.

I must not think too much. Really.

But Sumire no Blue really gave me hope.

Like I shouldn't give up on him.

I'll just see where all of this falls into place.

Actually, I have no idea what to do

Today was the Election Board party and it was a bit stressful but it was a success. :)


All the seniors said they had fun so I feel super relieved to know that.


Now I have to spend my whole day tomorrow with work.


I need to type reports, make a budget and study for my maths test on Monday.


I will do them all so I will sleep soon to get enough rest.




So... You must be wondering... 


Did anything happen between me and Law?




In a way... yes.


But you can say that it wasn't really anything either.




Let me just tell the small events that happened.




When he arrived, I saw that he looked at me but then I made myself busy so that I would be able to resist the urge to stare at him the whole time.


We sat far away from each other the whole time and we were in close proximity only a couple of times.


The year ones and year twos weren't mixing so I decided to make everyone play games.


While I was speaking, he was looking at me and smiling and I wanted to look at him so badly all the time but I only did a few times.


Correction, he was grinning.


He always grins whenever I talk.


Like the time when I had to make a speech in front of the Public Speaking Club to get them to make me their secretary.


And then we played a game that required us to play rock-paper-scissors with everyone. Everyone will get 5 stickers initially. People will then go around playing and the winner would get a sticker from the loser. The one with the most stickers will win.


And so that's what I did.


I was really scared to approach him.


Like super nervous.


But, somehow, we found each other.


I didn't see him coming from the front so by the time I raised my hands, I realised that I was about to play with him.


Neither of us said a word but when he won, he grinned and then I gave him a sticker saying "Here!" in a kind of angry but playful tone before I moved on.


I actually touched him.


Okay now it's truly sinking in.


I touched his left arm when I stuck the sticker on him.


Anyway, I actually pronounced him as the winner of the game and I said his name out loud but turns out, another person had more stickers so the other person won.


Moving on...


During the second game, I had to pass out balloons out to everyone and that helped me to erase some of my fears a bit so I felt a bit more confident in talking with my seniors.


Then, I came up to him and said "Law! Here you can choose one." But then he said "No, I'm not playing." Then I think I said "Oh, it's okay!" Before I went to another human. I overheard Angel asking him why he wasn't playing and he said something like he has OCD.


During the third game, we sat across from each other but I hardly looked at him. I sat next to Rainie's pet, Melrose, and I'm thankful that we sat next to each other and that we weren't awkward or anything with each other.


An open water gun war followed that and I just stepped back and laughed at the people who were going for it. Law didn't really join in either. He chose a good spot (one with a lot of electrical appliances) so no one could shoot at him.


Then, we played truth or dare.


Despite the fact that other year two seniors were playing with fireworks, he didn't even went to join them and I had a feeling that he wanted to stay on cause he wanted to know something.


When it got to his turn, he said "Truth." Apparently, he was feeling very generous today.


And then a senior asked "Do you like Tahlia?" and then he gave this weird laughing face that had this question mark on it. Everyone kept on asking who Tahlia was.


There is a girl called Tahlia from the year ones but the way that people kept on questioning, it was as if they weren't implying her.


Or at least, I hope it didn't.


Then, Ray asked him "Who do you think is the most attractive girl here?"


Law said "Angel la!" but the other guys said that he couldn't pick her so after Angel beat up the guy, Ray rephrased his question.


"Who from the year ones do you find the most attractive?"


So, Law went to the middle saying "Let me see them all first, I haven't really looked at all of them."


I didn't want to look at him at all not because I thought I'd get chosen but because I didn't want to see who he picked.


In the end though, he just asked who had a similar surname with him and then he picked the girl and both of them high-fived each other.


As he was returning to his seat, I overheard one of the seniors say to him "You're escaping."


Now that I think about it, it was the same senior who was with him last Thursday when Law kept on passing by me.


I don't want to raise my hopes.


But somehow, somehow, I felt that he meant me.


A lot of people were asking him to say the truth but he just kept quiet.


So I guess that he likes someone from the year ones but I have no idea who.


Then, I kept on waiting for my turn and every time the bottle was spun, it never got me.


Then, when I was about to give up, the bottle turned to me and I felt a bit nervous.


They asked me "Truth or Dare?" and so I said "Truth."


Everyone was racking their brains to think of a question when Blair suddenly said, "Wait, I've got a question." And then, I knew it was coming before she even said those four words.


"Who do you like?"


I tell you, my mind went blank just like that and I'm pretty sure I was stuttering all over the place.


"Well... He's a guy."


Yes, that's what I said.


When I looked up, I noticed that Law was gone and so was Angel but I don't know how to properly analyse that now so I'll just leave it at there.


And then, everyone asked "Who?" 


"Is it someone from college?"
"What's his name?"
"At least give his initials!" (This was Ray. He had to tell the name of the person he liked which is another senior who isn't in the Election Board)


My mouth kept on opening and closing and then Melrose said that she think she knew who.


Then she whispered into my ears "Is he here now?" I nodded my head.


"Is it Law?"


I shrieked.


Literally.


Law wasn't in his seat, but I could still see him.


Then, people started coming to me and made guesses so in the end, a few seniors found out.


Then Ray asked, "Is it someone here?"


It took awhile but I said yes.


Melrose then asked everyone to drop the subject cause then it would be very awkward for me so they obliged.


Blair came up to me after that saying that Law is a good guy.


Melrose on the other hand kept on asking why I liked him and I got all girly with her. I even found out that he used to like Angel (I kind of guessed that) and that another year one likes him (and I think I know who it is as well cause she also wanted to bake a cake).


Then, the cake I baked was brought out and people asked who baked it so I said it was me.


Then, while I was busy picking up rubbish and stuff, Law began talking with me.

Law: Hey Beth! (He said my name! And he pronounced it correctly!) Did you learn to make this cake through the Food Fest?

Me: Huh? What Food Fest?

Law: Oh-

Me: Oh! The Food Fest! I didn't go to it! No, I didn't get the recipe from there!

Law: So you've always baked from last time?

Me: Yeah.

Then I smiled and returned to my work even though I was dying to talk with him longer.

He actually smiled and grinned at me when we spoke but I didn't dare to look at him for too long.

He ate the cake and he took a good slice of it too so I feel really happy. :)

Then, I did my best to stay back as long as possible but my parents made it impossible.

When I finally got the courage to be near him, I had to leave already.

I had just sat down opposite him (he was standing) to observe my seniors and my lecturer play Mah Jong, and I had just begun to converse with my seniors (and Law even joined in a bit) when my phone rang.

While I talked to my parents everyone else was silent.

When I said that I'd walk to the nearby gas station so that my parents could find me easier, all of them looked terrified. Or was their look a look of awe?

Another senior drove me to the gas station even though I really wanted him to do it but I think he didn't bring his car.




So I guess this is it.


I don't know how else to improve this situation. How to get to know him better.


Cause after this week, I won't see him again and just knowing that makes me feel really really really sad.


And knowing that he possibly likes another person from the year ones makes me feel even more sad.




It's okay though.


If my feelings for him a really strong, then I'll just wait for him.


Because, I really like him.


PS. We actually called each other's name to get each other's attention. And also since he smiled and talked with me after the Truth or Dare game, I'm assuming that he doesn't know I like him (which is hard to believe) or that he's okay with me liking him.


PSS. After looking at a photo one of my seniors posted online, I knew I wasn't dreaming when I said he was smiling at me while I was telling people about the games. And, what's more, he's probably the only one smiling. The rest just had the "Whaaaaat?" look on their face so please, tell me what that means!!!!

Scared of putting too much hope

Yesterday (since it's already past 12.30 am here), I didn't see Law at school at all.


Our college was having a blood donation drive and maybe he just didn't like the thought of needles or something cause that's kind of the case for almost all the guys here.


I got to donate blood too and I only felt slightly dizzy after that but it's all good.


Anyway, today is the day that I've been waiting for. The Election Board party.


I talked to a couple of seniors just now (a huge improvement! I was the only junior talking to them! :D) and they said that they couldn't wait for it.


I wonder if Ray knows that I like Law.


I have a feeling that he does somehow.


And he's treating me quite nice so I feel a bit scared but I shouldn't over-analyse this situation.


But come on, anyone would be a fool if they didn't know I was interested in Law if they had saw or heard about my reaction towards his grin that day.


And Ray is kind of close with Law.


Somehow, everything good happens on a Tuesday.


I checked my horoscope and Law's horoscope and both of them had almost the same reading.


Apparently, today is the day that we should let our voices out or something as it will be a second chance for us to make up for lost time and all.


And, I've been checking his compatibility with mine and we never had a day where both of us were compatible with each other.


Until today.


We are each other's compatible partner today.


I'm not going to hope for much but please, let something good happen between the both of us today. Please.

And.... I'm not sure what to say about today

So, let's begin describing what happened today.


When I came to school, I was early as usual and when all my friends came, I told them that today was my "D-Day". Jean also finally came back from camp.


Yesterday, I texted June and said that today I'd talk to Law and she kept on reminding me that I needed to talk to Law. Today.


During the first break, June and I sat down at a table and was just minding our own business when I noticed that a girl sat at the table in front of me and I got a bit disappointed because I was kind of hoping that Law would sit in front of me at that table.


Actually, I'd draw out how the table arrangement looks like but I don't have a tablet yet so unfortunately you guys will just have to try and get what I mean.


Anyway, while I was busy finishing my Biology manual, I saw that Law sat at that particular table.


Turns out, that girl was one of his friend's girlfriend.


I felt happy, naturally, but I continued on with my work and then more people came and sat with us (including Jean).


You know how I always steal glances at him?


Well, there was this one time that I stole a glance at him and then I caught him glancing back like it was as if he was also trying to steal a glance.


We both made eye-contact for at least half a second before I looked away because I felt embarrassed cause I was caught by him although I don't know if he does know that I was looking at him.


Meanwhile, Jean and my other friends left me and June alone and then June began to plan schemes for me.

June: You must say "Hi"  to him after this.

Me: But how? I can't just go up to him and say "Hi"!

June: Here. Pretend you're throwing rubbish or something when you approach him cause for sure he'll go and wash his hands or something.

I proceeded to protest some more before I decided to just stand up and get going but June insisted for us to slow down and so I washed my hands slowly.

By then, Law was already making his way to go buy something and June began to forcefully push me towards him.

I was getting a bit more braver when he suddenly turned around and walked by so I pretended that I wanted to buy sweets at the cafeteria with June.

Then, when June and I went back up, I realised that we were walking right behind Law and his group of friends and June kept on asking me to talk to him but then I kept on saying I couldn't cause his friends were there.

At one point, he actually turned to look in our direction but I can't be too sure.

When we reached the top floor June said "Say good bye to him!" and so I said in a hushed voice "Good bye!", making sure I wasn't heard.

But then June kept on saying "Good bye!" to him and just before he entered his class she said "Good bye, Law!" out loud in an audible voice.

Naturally, I kept my cool and didn't shriek or anything (at least I don't think so) but I sure as hell made a fool of myself when we were back in our lecture hall.

Then, during the second break, Law sat at a table that was quite far away from mine and while I was a bit relieved by that fact, all my other friends (especially June and Jean) kept on searching for him and only stopped when they saw him. It's as if they're the ones with a crush on him. =-=;

When the bell rang, I felt a bit sad that we got up earlier than them cause then that meant that I couldn't walk behind him.

I followed Helen and June to where the sinks and trashcans were cause Helen was telling me some of her problems and most definitely, friends come first before guys.

June said that while I was talking with Helen, she saw Law looking at me and I'm not even sure if she's telling the truth or not cause I was really focusing on my conversation with Helen so I wasn't really paying attention to Law when he was throwing rubbish into the trashcan.

Then, when we turned to go use the main stairs, I saw a chance for me to talk with him but then I didn't dare to cause again, he was with his friends.

If he was alone, you could bet your socks that I'd have gone up to him.

Then when I started walking, he also started walking and we almost walked together because somehow, Helen had left me alone to walk in front while his friends were lagging behind but then he kind of stopped walking and I almost did the same but I continued forward only.

Then, at the stairs, Helen caught up with me and as I waited for her to take the first few steps, Law and his gang suddenly appeared behind her.

They were all smiling and laughing and talking about something but I couldn't really hear what they were saying.

Then, June appeared and said "Beth, wait for me!" and she quickly climbed up the stairs to be nearer with me.

Then, Law's whole gang began saying more stuff and laughed even more when suddenly Law announced something and I'm not even sure what before he began running past me.

Up four flights of stairs to the fifth floor.

What was that all about???? o.O

Seriously???? o.O

Whatever happened, I must say that I did amazing progress today! :D

I think he knows that I like him already.

I don't know if that's a bad or good thing.

I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow cause I'll be going around to ask all the Election Board members if they're coming to the party next Saturday or not.

A lot of them didn't reply my text (him included) so I must go around and confirm with everyone manually.

Anyway, at least I took the initiative to make a "kind-of first move".

I really hope that I won't end up looking too foolish and I'm doing my best to be confident.

Some readings:

Wheel of Fortune - Reincarnation (Orthotopic) You and your lover are meant to be together and it was a first sight love. You may be construed as a new beginning, this is the opportunity for you to confess and start dating. It is the right time for you to get marry because you will get a satisfactory long-term marriage.

Your social life is going to experience an exciting new trend provided you take the initiative.

I think I'm going to sleep early after this and then wake up early to study cause I'm really tired and it's better to not study at home then to fall asleep in class.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day! :D