The Guy

I have unrealistic hopes and dreams about the relationship that I want to have with a guy but I'm not going to give up on them because somewhere, somehow, I'm sure I will experience it one day.

It's hard to find, that much I'm positively sure but I just feel like something good will happen as long as I try my best to be a good person and to not look for it because it will come when it's destined to come.

Maybe it's because I've been reading too many romance mangas lately and one way or another, I get too much into the character so my imagination gets pretty delusional.

I think that for my past crushes, it could've been that I was more into the idea of being in love than actually liking the person because the feeling of butterflies in your stomach makes everything rose-tinted and the day just passes by more quicker.

I think I should be happy for couples who have finally found someone that they can really cherish.

It's summer here and it's freaking hot but I am somewhat cool and calm, like I raised a protective barrier around me. I can only hope that it'll protect me from unwanted distractions and the like.

And now I guess I'll be going into another long hiatus. I feel like I finally have stopped my feelings for Prince and I no longer feel anything much for him other than as a classmate.

You might think that I hated him or something when I found out that he had a girlfriend but I never disliked him. I never disliked his girlfriend either. I'm sure they must really like each other a lot and that they complement each other. 

In fact, I don't think I would have complemented Prince at all, even though I still believe that we have the same brainwave.

My guy has yet to come and till then, I will be waiting patiently.

Feeling better

Again, I'm speculating it's because of the good weather. When I walked into class, I really did feel like my spirits were higher. I'm probably craving for human companion so when Rainie comes over during the Easter Holidays, I'll feel better hopefully.

I came very early with Xia today and there were really few people in class. When one of our professors began talking to one of our classmates and commenting on her work, we started to gather around her table. At that point Carl walked in and people started turning around to see who just came in but I didn't cause I could see who it was through the reflection of the window panes. He stood next to me and I kept shifting further away from him because I didn't like him being close to me.

I went back to my seat after that though but I got called back again by another professor to join in the discussion and luckily I wasn't standing next to him.

5 minutes later, the door opened and I saw that it was Prince who just came in. After putting his bag down, he stood behind me and I felt really happy about that.

We went back to our seats after that but I didn't remain behind Prince for long cause I had to sit next to Yu to talk about our project (a building we're studying for the upcoming trip) that we had to present in front of the class.

When it was our turn, I really crapped a lot while putting on a heck lot of cheap confidence and I was mainly starring at the professors the whole time but I also wanted to see if Prince was looking at me or not so I looked at him and he was and he looked a bit shocked but we made eye contact alright ahahaha. He never got to present his one though so I felt a bit disappointed (cause I wanted to stare at him openly AHAHAHAHA).

We also had to go in front of the class to listen to some of our classmates at one point and I felt Carl move behind me so I tried to move away from him because initially, he was too close to me since I could hear him breathing. I withstood it for as long as I could before going to the toilet and when I came back, I moved to a different space but I did feel slightly sad that I had to give up that spot since Prince was standing behind me as well.

After the lunch break though I had to move my things to sit next to Yu, which meant sitting next to Carl, and I did my best to not look at him although Prince was sitting to his left so yeah.

Yeah, I'm mean. But at least I still respond to him.

Carl asked me a question some time after that. "Beth, do you know when is the deadline?" And I said gibberish hahahaha but I was too cheerful cause I was about to laugh my head off since Yu was teaching me Mandarin. I looked at Carl for a second really but since Prince was looking in my direction, I made eye contact with him instead.

Also, after I sent Yu off after we bought our paper, I came back and realised that I missed some important announcements by the professor so after they left I wanted to ask Prince about it but lo and behold, Acia came over with her friend and began complimenting Prince's sketches, saying that they were really good.

And here's when I noticed that they aren't really close anymore. Maybe she's reaching out to him since he's the last guy in the room who is really attractive.

Speaking of which, I told Yu about how Prince wasn't really warm with me when we chatted on Facebook yesterday and she said that she didn't like guys like him because she said that those guys know that they are hot and what not and are arrogant about it.

I think, however, that what she said is probably not true. He seems like a really down-to-earth kind of guy and he helps people out a lot. And yes he might curse and make fun of what the professors say sometimes but it isn't really all the time. I'm seriously making him sound like some kind of jerk but he isn't, really. He doesn't have that kind of aura.

Anyway, back to the topic of today.

After Acia left him, I got up to throw rubbish and some untouched coffee and just as I got up, Carl began bragging (kind of) that he's been going to the gym but I didn't hear what else came after that since I went out of the classroom to throw those things.

I do for a fact know that he goes to a gym.

How?

He keeps posting those kind of pictures that says 'A summer body is earned during winter' on his Facebook profile so I assume that he is the kind of guy who wants to get attention. Well, maybe my attention for that matter but honestly, I don't really care whether or not a guy has six packs or not, as long as he's healthy. And as far as I'm concerned, Carl doesn't drink a lot of water or he just prefers alcohol or something (again, one of the things that he posted up saying something along the lines of 'Drinking water is good but then again it never solves any problems' and then he mentioned something about alcohol being better; on that same post though, Prince said "It re-hydrates you :)  and yes, Prince drinks a heck load of water).

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked again.

I went back inside and I packed my things up before walking in front of them and I looked at Carl for a brief moment before focusing my attention on Prince and I asked whether or not I missed out any important announcements and lo and behold, after Prince said "No" Carl sputtered out a long sentence.

I kept asking Prince questions and sometimes he answered but really, Carl tried to elbow himself in and I felt like Prince was allowing Carl to do so but whenever I talked with Carl, I used body language to show that I wasn't interested like using wandering eyes and I even made eye contact with Prince instead.

I'm just glad that Prince was nice enough to me. He talked with me and smiled a couple of times and we made a lot of eye contact. Even when I said "Bye guys" I made eye contact with him and he probably just gave a small smile or something but I felt like the whole world tuned out so I don't even remember whether or not Carl said anything.

Sometimes I really hate this other side of me, the one where I'm mean to guys who are interested in me but I don't reciprocate their feelings. I just don't want to raise their hopes up high.

Oh yeah, another thing, while the assistant was talking with Yu and I regarding our project, Prince came over to look for a short while before he went back to his seat and then after that, Carl came along and stood for a long time. Luckily, Yu was between him and I and it was also unfortunate that Yu was between Prince and I.

I told Yu about Carl today. I guess she'll be observing him from now on.

Tonight, I don't feel as sad or as empty as I did the past few days. I feel quite contented somehow.

I'm slowly working my way to becoming Prince's friend and I can only hope that he will regard me as one and that I will be able to talk more with him. I'm becoming more comfortable when talking with him and I can only hope that he'll notice that I do act a bit more differently around him then around other people but then again, I'm sure he has an inkling that I like him from my previous oh-so-obvious actions.

Anyway, I'm beat and I need to sleep soon so hopefully I will wake up early tomorrow and get some work done. :)

Today was quite good.

Gone instantly

I studied with much difficulty all day. I couldn't concentrate at all. I managed to finish copying my notes and to add side notes but not much could get into my head.

So I thought I should try to distract myself by going on Facebook or reading manga (I found a really good one called Hatsukare by Tomori Miyoshi) but I just couldn't. I was unable to really think straight and enjoy going online.

And that was when I realised that I really wanted to talk with him badly. And oh gosh does that sound annoying and brat-like but I really did and I don't know why and because of that my head began throbbing (not like it hasn't been throbbing for the past couple of days over related subject matters).

So I thought I should try to get some rest because I wanted to wake up early to do another summary for my notes. I talked with Anna for a bit about this and she told me to not worry so I said okay and then I got into bed.

And I couldn't sleep at all. I usually fall asleep fast especially when I start to imagine things but I just couldn't and I knew why. There was nothing I could do to make the throbbing go away.

I tried playing on my mobile and logging onto Facebook but it just couldn't make my mind sleepy and it was one of my last resort techniques I use to put myself to sleep. He wasn't online and I felt a bit sad.

Thus, I made up my mind to study instead so I got up and turned my laptop on and started to take some notes down but I needed the internet as well so I turned it on and just for the heck of it, I logged onto Facebook.

And there he was, online.

I wanted to talk with him but I hesitated for a bit and did some notes but I couldn't stand it so I messaged him.

Me: Hey, can I ask you a question or are you busy now?

Prince: yea, u can

And then we chatted a bit, this time slightly longer than the previous one by 2 minutes ahahahaha. (I'm sad for keeping track, I know).

It went quite okay and he chatted very normally with me and I am happy for that. At one point I kind of ended the conversation but he asked something so the conversation reopened again and I would say we got just a tiny bit more closer cause we exchanged slang words.

Talking with him made me feel less nervous and I felt waves of relief wash over me when I chatted with him. He used smiley faces and all and I feel quite good about that.

Ah, but I don't think he's interested in me. That's what I think. I mean, he was nice and all but he didn't ask much questions about me and even though he did offer up some info about himself he didn't bother to get to know me that much.

And I am feeling surprisingly relieved and I don't know why.

I don't feel sad, more like, I feel happy that he actually might consider me as a friend.

So I should be content with that. I should. Really.

This is good though, even though I'm a bit upset and disappointed, at least it isn't as bad as when I liked Law and I got too upset when the smallest things happen. At least Prince responds to certain things.

I think I'd really like it if he considers me as a friend. It'd be nice to have an actual guy friend.

I just hope I didn't piss him off or annoy him too much. I think I was a bit embarrassing at some points but I hope that it was only me who thought it that way.

I guess I can sleep well now but I think I'd like to do a couple more of notes. :)

Thank you, God. I would have never had this chance if it wasn't for you.

And I'm actually feeling sleepy now. I will sleep at 3.30 a.m. maybe or finish 5 lecture notes, which ever comes first. I'll sleep for 4 hours only maybe.