This is going to be a not so usual post because I normally separate the contents of my blog; this one for crushes and the like and another for my life in general. Somehow, for today that is, I felt like I should leak a bit of how my mind works, rest assured if you came here for the love stuff, my points will be touching those.

And I'm keeping things short as I'm typing this on my phone and not my laptop. 

Since I have so much free time now, my mind is currently filling itself up with EXO related stuff, mainly about Lay.

I really felt like crying for his behalf just now as I read how hard his life as a trainee was but as usual the tears wouldn't come and you have no idea how much it sucks to not be able to have a good cry when you want to. 

He really worked hard and I couldn't help but think, why can't I find a guy like that? Who's just as sweet and as caring as him. Naturally I don't know his bad traits but it doesn't seem like he puts on a fake front in front of the cameras and he is so amazing, really, I don't know why he doesn't have as many fans as the other members.

Seeing his face alone makes me realise just how hard he worked. He lost a heck load of weight and sometimes he can't even hide how tired he is. Instead of a glamorous life, he gets chased down like a rat by sasaeng fans and has to constantly make sure he's doing a good job of representing SM.

I know I'm not worthy enough for a guy like him but I would do my best to make him happy.

And then I start to complain after all that.

I honestly feel that I am a nice girl who is kind and who has enough brains to know how to do well in her studies and to make the right decisions so as not to bring her family's image down. I am really a jack of all trades but master of none and even though I am so socially awkward and retarded, I do my best to be a really good friend to the people who accept me as a friend in their life. Looks-wise, I am above average and I get loads of catcalls and have been told that I am pretty or beautiful.

And yes that sounds a hell lot like I'm bragging but I'm just telling the truth so it's up to you whether or not to believe it because I am tired of always caring too much about what other people think.

Why can't nice guys who are my type ever go for me? I don't think I have hyper unrealistic standards.

For one, it really doesn't matter if they're rich, has a super muscular physique, is tremendously stylish, is an Oxford graduate etc.

When it comes down to the facts I would say I would like a sweet guy with a face that I think is beautiful even though others might not. A guy who is smart enough so that we can converse and well off enough that I don't need to give him pocket money.  A guy who pays more attention to neatness and loves his family and God a lot. Needless to say, he is a hard worker and is passionate in chasing his dreams.

Too much to ask? I think not.

He wouldn't need to always call me and buy me stuff. He wouldn't need to cart around my shopping bags because in the first place, I really think a date where only one person goes shopping is a horrifying date. I would be loyal to him and I will expect him to be loyal to me.

Now someone please tell me where can I find a guy like this?

Okay I'm tired now so I'll be hitting the sack, praying for a miracle to happen. 

Sent

Because of the incident yesterday, Tia asked me to inbox him and I did.

And I am really trying to put my hopes down as low as possible but annoyingly, they just raise themselves up even higher and I freaking hate that cause now I'm in a really uninspired mood now which is bad since my exams are like super super soon.

The reason why I didn't want to add him is because I still wanted to live in a dream, that he is the perfect guy bla bla bla even though he probably isn't.

Well, that is true in a sense.

The minute when I saw that he went clubbing and all, I felt myself loose a bit of interest.

I just like guys who are really good and nice and probably the only guy that fits that bill that I've wrote about is Victor.

Of course I haven't gotten to know Prince that well yet but I can already see that I am definitely not suitable for him.

In this world, I feel like I'm still a child while almost everyone in class is an adult, going to clubs, smoking, drinking and what not.

And that's when I start to fear that because of peer pressure, I'll change and become someone that I will absolutely detest. I'm scared that I'll change for the worse.

I'd really like to blame my good girl image, the girl who doesn't like drinking and clubbing, because I feel like I'm cut off from socialising with people.

Okay, I will go off soon. I really need to do my work.