Can anyone be more perfect?

I just watched Happy Camp, a show that airs in China, that had invited EXO to be on the show and throughout the whole time I couldn't help but notice just how unique Lay is.

I really don't know why but he carries such a pure and passionate aura around him and despite the fact that he is

Okay let me just list down a couple of reasons why I think he's so amazing.

One, when the host asked 'Who think's they're the main dancer?' he didn't even step out despite the fact that he is the main dancer for EXO-M.

And then in another segment when the host asked 'Who thinks they're the least (Edit: most, I meant most!) popular among girls?' he practically rushed to the last place but when other people wanted to take that place, he just gave it up to them and found somewhere else to sit.

So basically I noticed that he is extremely modest... But I really find that an amazing and rare quality to find in a guy. Most of the guys that I know to date are really full of themselves.

Not to mention, the way that he moves and holds himself and look out for others is just... Indescribable.

Seriously, I feel so happy when I just think of him, as though his pheromones reached me and yet I'm not even within the range of 100 km from him. Does that make sense?

Seeing him not only brightens my day but it also cheers me on to become a better person.

Right.

I will finish my work up after this and then I will practice writing some Chinese characters.

He really makes my day. :)

I just wish I could see more of him without being a sasaeng.

Maybe

I know this is some stupidly over-sized crush but I'm really falling for Lay now and it's partly due to my own imagination; thinking that he is what I think he is.

It's really bad. I'm at the point where I'm unable to do anything but think of him.

Hopefully it'll go away soon. This feeling that is.

I want to play the guitar so badly. I think it'd help me to forget a bit about him.

Do unicorns exist?

I really believe that SME is extremely good at giving their idols very good images. Ordinary fans and new fans will be immediately enchanted by the good boys and good girls who are extremely gorgeous and talented. Sasaeng fans know better on the other hand.

I read up some more facts about EXO now and although most of the facts all show them in a good light, I know that there's no way that they can be that perfect.

But I have no idea why I keep on seeing Lay in a good light.

I tried to look for bad stuff about him in vain and overall he really does sound like a perfect guy.

Is it because he's Catholic?

That's another rumour that has yet to be confirmed but so far, that's what everyone says.

But if he is so good and mature and kind... I don't know. It makes me think that he's really really really like a unicorn, an example of a very rare guy.

I don't know why but I kind of give up on the idea of ever dating, not like I want to.

Because seriously, despite my good personality, skills and above average looks, what guy would date me if they knew that I completely refuse the idea of sex before marriage?

Call it general stereotyping, but isn't it true that most guys are in relationships because they want to have sex?

Well, in general, Western guys are more open about it than Asian guys but I don't know. I still think Asian guys are more conservative and are against the sex before marriage thing.

Maybe that's why I'm only attracted to Asian guys. Because of the conservative thing.

Lately whenever I pass by people while walking, the thought that they've all already, probably, have slept with someone if they're already above the age of 13 pops into my head.

It gets even worse when I see guys because all that I ever think is that they just can't wait to get inside someone's pants, regardless of gender according to their own preference.

It's a really bad and judgemental thought but I can't help but think that way. It's really hard to force yourself to think in a nicer manner once you've got that thought running in your head.

And so, only for the moment hopefully, I am completely turned off at the idea of getting a boyfriend, much less if some guy likes me.

I'm currently content with just thinking that Lay is a perfect guy and that I'm in an imaginary relationship with him.

Maybe that's why I'm attracted to guys who look like girls and have such an innocent and awkward image. It's because I think that their sexual drive is lower, not like that's for sure or anything.

Assumptions, assumptions.

I will turn 20 in less than three months and I can then officially say that I have never had a relationship while I was in my teens, which is what most of my friends had already.

Yes, I feel sad at that thought because I can't ever do any of those things that I read in mangas or watch in animes or movies or dramas but I feel a bit happy knowing that I didn't have to suffer intense heartbreaks and stuff.

But I really do feel sad that I never went out on a date during my teens.

No scenes of me shyly holding a guy's hand, or a first kiss, or excitedly texting someone, or calling each other till late at night. When will I ever get to do any of those things?

Is it too much to ask for a guy who's conservative, who I find attractive (physically, personally etc.) and will actually like me?

I'm pretty pathetic aren't I?

All my siblings, older and younger than me, has been in or is still in a relationship and yeah, I do feel left out.

But I don't want a boyfriend in order to fit in, please don't think like that.

.............................

I'm really going to live through life alone aren't I? I really hope not.

Sweet guys

Oh gosh I'm really falling for Lay now.

My new friend, Winnie, says that I have a chance but I know that I have a close to 1% chance of ever getting together with him.

Man, I really wish that I could.

Positive thoughts... Positive thoughts...

Okay, I should stop dreaming hahahaahaha.

This is going to be a not so usual post because I normally separate the contents of my blog; this one for crushes and the like and another for my life in general. Somehow, for today that is, I felt like I should leak a bit of how my mind works, rest assured if you came here for the love stuff, my points will be touching those.

And I'm keeping things short as I'm typing this on my phone and not my laptop. 

Since I have so much free time now, my mind is currently filling itself up with EXO related stuff, mainly about Lay.

I really felt like crying for his behalf just now as I read how hard his life as a trainee was but as usual the tears wouldn't come and you have no idea how much it sucks to not be able to have a good cry when you want to. 

He really worked hard and I couldn't help but think, why can't I find a guy like that? Who's just as sweet and as caring as him. Naturally I don't know his bad traits but it doesn't seem like he puts on a fake front in front of the cameras and he is so amazing, really, I don't know why he doesn't have as many fans as the other members.

Seeing his face alone makes me realise just how hard he worked. He lost a heck load of weight and sometimes he can't even hide how tired he is. Instead of a glamorous life, he gets chased down like a rat by sasaeng fans and has to constantly make sure he's doing a good job of representing SM.

I know I'm not worthy enough for a guy like him but I would do my best to make him happy.

And then I start to complain after all that.

I honestly feel that I am a nice girl who is kind and who has enough brains to know how to do well in her studies and to make the right decisions so as not to bring her family's image down. I am really a jack of all trades but master of none and even though I am so socially awkward and retarded, I do my best to be a really good friend to the people who accept me as a friend in their life. Looks-wise, I am above average and I get loads of catcalls and have been told that I am pretty or beautiful.

And yes that sounds a hell lot like I'm bragging but I'm just telling the truth so it's up to you whether or not to believe it because I am tired of always caring too much about what other people think.

Why can't nice guys who are my type ever go for me? I don't think I have hyper unrealistic standards.

For one, it really doesn't matter if they're rich, has a super muscular physique, is tremendously stylish, is an Oxford graduate etc.

When it comes down to the facts I would say I would like a sweet guy with a face that I think is beautiful even though others might not. A guy who is smart enough so that we can converse and well off enough that I don't need to give him pocket money.  A guy who pays more attention to neatness and loves his family and God a lot. Needless to say, he is a hard worker and is passionate in chasing his dreams.

Too much to ask? I think not.

He wouldn't need to always call me and buy me stuff. He wouldn't need to cart around my shopping bags because in the first place, I really think a date where only one person goes shopping is a horrifying date. I would be loyal to him and I will expect him to be loyal to me.

Now someone please tell me where can I find a guy like this?

Okay I'm tired now so I'll be hitting the sack, praying for a miracle to happen. 

If dreams were real

I'd be in seventh heaven now.

I dreamt about Lay last night (and the rest of the EXO members as well) and I dreamt that we had feelings for each other.

The weird thing about the dream was that instead of me being in the position of the third person (looking at Lay and a projection of myself) I was really the one who was in my own shoes and I could feel real feelings surging in me.

The part that I remembered was that I was performing a hideous but comical dance on stage with 4 or 5 other girls when a crowd entered to watch because it was a school event apparently and he was there as well.

At the end of the dance, people clapped and laughed at our performance when suddenly something like a bidding auction started and they were like "Who wants to take Beth?" and surprisingly a lot of people had their hands up.

That's when I noticed that the EXO members were nudging Lay and were saying "Lay, go on! You like her don't you?! And she likes you too!" and I felt really embarrassed but happy at the same time. In an instant, most of the people put their hands back down and that's when Lay walked up to the stage so I covered my face and shamelessly held out my hand which he took.

"Let's go."
"Okay."

Then as we were making our way to the back of the crowd where the exit was he said "I need to tell you something... But I'll only say it when we get behind the school." and all I could do was nod and somehow we both knew that we really had strong feelings for each other.

Well, we never really made it to the back of the school cause I got woken up by my mom.

And the funny thing is that Lay looked like Tao at first but when I realised it, I did my best to change his looks.

Maybe I'll dream about him again tonight. That'd be great.

Of pheromones and hormones

Good evening reader who stumbled upon this page or to the very few readers that I do have.

It's been about two months since I last posted anything up, mainly because I hardly went online as I am still having my holidays in Malaysia and I rather spend all my time with my family. After all, I'll be all alone again with this laptop (got a new one! XD) as soon as I get back.

But someone who's an extreme stranger to me caught my eye and has been on my mind for the past three days so I knew I just needed to get this off my chest before it gets viral in my head and I start to believe that I have sincere feelings for him.

Which brings me to a new conclusion that I have summed up for myself.

I believe that attraction is caused by a sudden rush of a mixture of our hormones when we get affected by another's pheromones and somewhat unfortunately, I get trapped by these pheromones for too long so it takes a long time for them to wear off whereby in the mean time, my mind convinces itself that it is in "love".

So let me just get this guy out of my head, heck, I don't even know his name.

All that I do know is that he is a hairdresser.

And that he's probably gay.

I first saw him when I followed my sisters and brother to get their hair done at the salon. He did my brother's hair and he somehow got my attention, most probably because he looks like Prince (he even had almost the same hairstyle).

I thought he was cute and I was only slightly vocal about it but I forgot about him a few hours later.

Then, two days ago, my sister and I went to cut our hair and as soon as we sat down, a chatty guy started to work on her hair so I just awkwardly thumbed through a fashion magazine since I didn't have any paper I could use to draw with so I tried to entertain myself with the feature story.

And then he came up behind me and started attending to me and I really did try to make myself act cool but I could feel myself like being all shy and awkward which always happens when I'm around the guy I like.

It was already bad enough that I tried to avoid eye-contact while he was washing my hair but I just had to be all awkward when he tried talking to me in a somewhat quiet voice.

"Did you dye your hair or is it natural?"

"Uh..-it...-it's dyed"

Yes my lovely humans. Cringe in my honour. I don't think I did enough of it to suffice.

And then I really tried my best to not make eye-contact with him, even when he asked me how I wanted my fringe to be cut like and oh my gosh I really wanted to smack myself then.

"So... How do you want your fringe cut?"

"Erm... er..."

"Sideways? Straight?"

"... I-R'know..."

Facepalm. Facepalm. Facepalm.

Please don't follow my lead by trying to say "I don't know" while you're stammering.

It was so obvious that I wanted to get out from there, to get away from him before he sees me in an even worse state. I tried escaping from my chair twice and he wasn't even done yet but in my defence, I thought he was. I swear he was laughing on the inside.

He wasn't at the counter when both of us were paying up but just as my sister was about to pay, her hairdresser and mine came up and she started talking with her guy and I felt so uncomfortable that I bowed (in his direction) and said "Thank you" and then I went out because I supposedly wanted to buy something from the stationary shop nearby which happened to be closed on that day.

And I saw him at lunch but I pretended not to see him.

...

I feel much more relieved now. I really really really don't want to develop feelings for anyone for the next year or so because I want to concentrate on my dreams and studies, except for the occasional fangasm for my K-Pop biases.

And to add to the previously mentioned subject, I attended MTV World Stage Live in Malaysia 2013 (which I lined up for for 7 hours and then continued to stand for 4 hours) and I got to see EXO in the flesh! I was super close to the stage like only 4 metres or less away from them.

And I feel so good cause I waved to Lay and tried to yell for his attention but the crowd drowned out my voice but still he turned in my direction, made eye-contact with me and then waved and it was only to me I'm positive of that (I sound like one of those crazy fans but I assure you, at the very least I didn't leave right after they finished their performance to go stalk them like the other fans around me =-=;). We made eye-contact again just after they finished performing 'HISTORY' and really, it felt like a dream come true.

And now I have to get back to packing. Going to be heading off to the airport in 4 more days and I'm so not looking forward to it. When did I start hating aeroplane rides?

P.S. I had a minor crush on a guy who made us sushi in a restaurant as well just because he said "Excuse me" in perfect English. Brain, you sure are a strange creature.

Gets into slow motion

I've found another idol to start gawking over again. :D

Introducing Lay/Zhang Yixing of EXO-M! :D

He is like my dream guy. Well, that's only based on the things that I know about him so far haha. But he's really quiet and refreshing, passionate and hardworking, lovable and yet awkward. He does seem a bit like Prince, his personality I mean, but only a bit.

I don't think I like Prince but I sometimes feel a bit happy when I see him, not like I'll let that happiness bloom any further. I do feel like that we could be friends after some more time has passed.

At the end of the lecture today, I saw him talking with the Australian guy. They're probably close because they went to one of my classmate's birthday bash the other week and they met there.

As I was passing by both of them with a friend of mine, Prince kind of stopped talking with the guy and, I think, he turned to look in our direction. Maybe he was looking at my friend since she had a skirt on, I'm not that outstanding anyway but I felt myself hoping that he wanted to look at me and that he wanted me to say 'Bye'.

But I will definitely not let myself fall for him again, even though I think that we have the same brainwave.

I'll just let God and fate plan my life out.