This is going to be a not so usual post because I normally separate the contents of my blog; this one for crushes and the like and another for my life in general. Somehow, for today that is, I felt like I should leak a bit of how my mind works, rest assured if you came here for the love stuff, my points will be touching those.

And I'm keeping things short as I'm typing this on my phone and not my laptop. 

Since I have so much free time now, my mind is currently filling itself up with EXO related stuff, mainly about Lay.

I really felt like crying for his behalf just now as I read how hard his life as a trainee was but as usual the tears wouldn't come and you have no idea how much it sucks to not be able to have a good cry when you want to. 

He really worked hard and I couldn't help but think, why can't I find a guy like that? Who's just as sweet and as caring as him. Naturally I don't know his bad traits but it doesn't seem like he puts on a fake front in front of the cameras and he is so amazing, really, I don't know why he doesn't have as many fans as the other members.

Seeing his face alone makes me realise just how hard he worked. He lost a heck load of weight and sometimes he can't even hide how tired he is. Instead of a glamorous life, he gets chased down like a rat by sasaeng fans and has to constantly make sure he's doing a good job of representing SM.

I know I'm not worthy enough for a guy like him but I would do my best to make him happy.

And then I start to complain after all that.

I honestly feel that I am a nice girl who is kind and who has enough brains to know how to do well in her studies and to make the right decisions so as not to bring her family's image down. I am really a jack of all trades but master of none and even though I am so socially awkward and retarded, I do my best to be a really good friend to the people who accept me as a friend in their life. Looks-wise, I am above average and I get loads of catcalls and have been told that I am pretty or beautiful.

And yes that sounds a hell lot like I'm bragging but I'm just telling the truth so it's up to you whether or not to believe it because I am tired of always caring too much about what other people think.

Why can't nice guys who are my type ever go for me? I don't think I have hyper unrealistic standards.

For one, it really doesn't matter if they're rich, has a super muscular physique, is tremendously stylish, is an Oxford graduate etc.

When it comes down to the facts I would say I would like a sweet guy with a face that I think is beautiful even though others might not. A guy who is smart enough so that we can converse and well off enough that I don't need to give him pocket money.  A guy who pays more attention to neatness and loves his family and God a lot. Needless to say, he is a hard worker and is passionate in chasing his dreams.

Too much to ask? I think not.

He wouldn't need to always call me and buy me stuff. He wouldn't need to cart around my shopping bags because in the first place, I really think a date where only one person goes shopping is a horrifying date. I would be loyal to him and I will expect him to be loyal to me.

Now someone please tell me where can I find a guy like this?

Okay I'm tired now so I'll be hitting the sack, praying for a miracle to happen. 

I wonder

If I'll be able to control myself from liking him too much without even getting to know him first.

If this year will change my direction towards the darkened valley.

If I'll be able to really love myself.

Because, I think that in order to really love someone, you have to love yourself first and I know that I am not on good terms with myself. I have been getting better at accepting myself but not so much on the loving.

I know I probably won't have as much drive as I used to have (because I get most of the drive from liking someone), but I hope that I'll still try to do my best.

Liking guys has always brought out the better side of myself, oddly enough.

Whatever happens this year, I hope that I'll be able to make it out alive and well. 

I'm supposed to be very busy now

But I really need to get certain things off my chest.


Really. =-=;


I'm so freaking disturbed and distracted now I can't concentrate in class cause half the time I'm looking at the slideshow, my mind is over-working itself by thinking and "rationalising" certain events to the point that I can make myself feel depressed.


Seriously.


I found out last Monday from a friend that on the night I told my dorm mates that I liked Law, Law's friend was right outside the door.


No wonder they were all looking at me the next morning.


I bet, I really really really bet, that every single human knows already.


Especially him.


Like this morning, when I was coming out from the room where we have our morning prayer, one of my seniors smiled at me.


And that's a first kind of thing you know.


I wasn't even sure how I was supposed to react to that but I just smiled back.


You see? My mind just over-thought that situation out.


Again.


Anyway, Law's friend (*Angel), added me on Facebook last Monday.


And I did accept it since she is a very prominent figure in school and I even wrote thanks on her wall which I really really really hope doesn't look pathetic or anything!!!!


When I told my siblings they all immediately said, "Now she's going to stalk you cause she knows!!!!"


I am so freaking scared.


And I don't even know why.


I mean, it's okay to like someone right? It's our own freedom to like someone.


Today during the Election Board meeting, I made a fool of myself again especially with me being sick and all.


I did my best to be normal and not stare at him all the time and when I did, I only stared at him at the appropriate time and for an appropriate duration of time.


Funny thing is... it's like they were holding some kind of secret.


Like when I walked in, they were holding back a laugh like I was a fool or something.


Like they all knew.


And there I go again, getting paranoid over the smallest detail.


What can I say, it runs very strongly in my family's blood.


Especially my mom and she and I have the same blood type so I bet I have a serious case of paranoia.


I wish wish wish I could just give up on him but then again, I want to see what will happen if I just stuck on.


Well, I did stick on didn't I? And look at where I am now. He's one of the seniors that I do communicate with, well, kind of. :) (Edited on the 7th of April 2012)


A broken heart can be nursed back so what I should do is take a risk.


But I've never been much of a risk taker either.


I don't think he's really a cold and scary person. People just need to get to know him before they say anything.


I feel like I have some  things in common with him and even if we never have that kind of relationship, I just know that he will be a really awesome friend to have. :)


Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm planning to bake cookies for my friends cause I'm too chicken to give it to him.


I like spoiling my friends too at every chance that I can get. :)


I hope that I won't turn into an attention seeker.


Please no.

Who would have known?

I came to school extra early today cause my brother had to be at his school by 6.30am so I was at school by 6.40am even though school only started at 8.00am.


But the main thing here is that for the first time since school started, I didn't see Law at all today.


I didn't think I'd get upset over such a menial matter but here I am feeling disappointed that I didn't get to look at him.


But come to think of it, I won't get to see him for a whole week because of our school break for Chinese New Year.


And I'm sure that since he's Chinese, he must have took an early leave for a vacation.


I already knew I wouldn't have been able to see him during the first break due to a meeting but even when I had to attend a short camp meeting, I didn't see him either.


I really do feel disappointed.


I didn't think it was obvious but then even people who I don't really talk to asked why I looked so sad and right then and there I thought to myself, "Does Law really affect me?"


I couldn't really focus in class today.


I keep on replaying the chances I had on my birthday to say "Hi!" to him but I missed them all.


I screwed up.


Who knows when I'll get the chance to actually talk to him cause I already promised to myself that if I got to talk to him for a few more times, I'd pluck up the courage to add him on Facebook.


I told my sisters last night. They didn't give much of a reaction cause they said they expected it.


You know, all those mangas I read make crushes-turned-into-true-love look so easy.


How the hell do those girls and guys pluck up the courage to even start to talk to each other???!


It's so hard just to even look at him.


I sometimes wish I wasn't so shy.


I'm sure I'd have talked to him more by now.


I wonder if he knows I am interested in him?


Please, please, please give me the chance to be able to have a normal conversation with him so that we can get to know each other better.


I also really really really want to look prettier.


I freaking wish I was pretty enough for him.


Sometimes, I wish I was so freaking beautiful that people would turn to look. I really want to know how that feels like.


Law is really a shining, radiant creature (note: not a vampire) and I really don't know how someone of my stature will ever get the chance to become his friend.


I hope, I really really hope that he'd notice me and take an interest in me.


I am really jealous of my sister cause for both of the times that she had a crush on two different people, both of them also fell for her and one of them is still going strong with her. The first one was a little complicated.


I just wonder how they all do it.


All my siblings have such radiant personalities.


And they are all really hot or pretty or gorgeous.


I always feel like the runt of the litter no matter how many times they say I'm the prettiest.


Cause let's face it, my face is not as captivating as theirs.


I don't even have an outstanding personality cause I always am the person who is backstage, never front stage.


All of them have been front stage.


For once, I'd really like something that I want to happen to me actually happen to me.


Please, please, please let Law suddenly talk to me and when he does, please please please let the both of us hit it off.