2015 maybe with a chance of romance

Highly unlikely though hahahaha.

Hello hello, I haven't been on here in a long time which tells you what? I don't really have much of an interest in anyone right now.

Well, the only guy that I kind of have an interest in now is Itou Kashitarou-san who is an utaite and music producer.

Honestly, it was his voice that first got to me.

Before I knew what utaites were, I naturally assumed that one song was only sung by one artist.

At that time, I was introduced to Amatsuki through Setsuna Plus and I really liked that song compared to the other ones that were introduced to me so after I finished chatting with the friend, I went to YouTube to find the song again and somehow, the version that I found was different than the one that I first heard.

When I heard his voice, I was immediately captivated by his voice and I kept listening to him under the impression that his name was Amatsuki but when I tried to look for other songs and even Setsuna Plus using Amatsuki-san's name, I didn't hear the voice I was looking for.

It wasn't till 3 months later when I finally found out the mysterious person behind the voice and I got more interested in knowing him.
And it didn't help that I found really cute photos and videos of him like the stalker I am OTL

Anyway, the thing that I wanted to talk about was about how I finally managed to go to one of his namahousous (live) even if it was just for 20 minutes or so.

At first I was doing other works in Photoshop so I didn't really pay attention to the video and I was only hearing him speak when he said that someone asked him to sing Christmas songs so I just waited to hear the normal Christmas carols but I didn't hear anything. So I went back to my work.

And then he started singing "Jesus!" and I was like "Woah, did he just sing 'Jesus'???" and I switched back to the tab and then he stopped singing but then he went on again and then this time, clearly, I heard him say/sing 'Jesus' again. Multiple times.

So it prompted me to search for him, whether he had a religion or not.

And then I saw a tumblr post that got removed that said that he was a non-practising Christian which seriously seriously surprised me since most Japanese people aren't Christian.

Then I found a post that he wrote in June last year which someone translated and he actually quoted a verse from the Bible.
Which he referred to as the Holy Bible as well.

But the thought that he actually quoted it, it means he either knows the Bible very well or he owns a Bible or he even had the knowledge that such a verse existed so that he could Google it or something but in any case.... HE KNOWS IT.
Just tell me, how many non-Christians actually know Biblical verses?????

And I know, why should that even make me excited??

Partly because I feel like I have a chance since I'm also a Christian.

But also... It kind of strengthens my belief that we have minds that are alike and someone has told me that I was like Itou-san so that really made me feel very happy.

I really wish I could get to know him more.

The part about him having a bit of Christianity in him kind of explains a lot of other things: the reason why he doesn't drink, gamble, or play around with women.

It makes me want to really know him and ah, I wish I was lucky enough to meet him....

That's all for now, I am feeling kind of inspired to work a bit now and I'm not too sure why though aha. These happy feelings make you do the best that you can in everything I guess?

I hope to meet Itou-san one day, and when that happens, I will hopefully be in a presentable form.

And now I shall do some reading and research aha.

The Reason why I should stay Single

I haven't posted in here for ages and that's mainly because I started losing interest in relationships awhile back.
It started out with me just wanting to not think too much about getting into one and then in the end, I just feel like it is so much of a bother and too much effort.

Plus, I've seen my siblings change, either for the good or for the worse and I kind of dread to think that I might end up going in the wrong direction.

I mean, it kind of is happening now; not like I'm dating anyone or anything.

I started becoming friends with a Korean girl through deviantArt and over time, we grew to become very close until it got to a point where I wondered whether I liked her more than just a friend but after some thought and inspection, I've decided that I don't have that kind of feeling for her.

Yet, I find myself getting jealous when other people get all pally with her.
And I find it sad that I get upset when she comments on other people's things when she hasn't replied to my message from three days ago.

She has some eye problems now and I understand that she wants to rest them but if that is so, why won't she talk with me?

I seriously sound like some crazy girlfriend now ahahahahaha.

I find myself missing her messages and checking my page and her page for any updates or notifications.

We already swore to each other that we'd be best friends forever so I'm doing my best to have faith in this friendship but I'm so scared of being replaced.
I'm not even that good as an artist and she is way above me.
It really makes me wonder why she decided to be friends with me.
And all those other people who are pally with her are really amazing artists.
I bet she wonders why she got stuck with me.

My confidence in my own self is very low at this moment.

I never expected to invest this much emotion into this friendship.

Initially, I really tried to hold back because I have trust issues but she instead was so giving and kind to me that in the end, my wall broke down and I started to reach out again to her.

Now I just feel pathetic, waiting for her messages.

On my side, I will continue to fight for this friendship but if she ever just wants to let me go, it's her right and I won't stop her.
I'll get depressed for a few days but I'm sure I'll get over it.

So yes, I shouldn't even consider getting a boyfriend because the kind of emotions running through me right now is so bitter that I really can't stand them.
And thank goodness they haven't really affected much of me just yet.

But I feel like if I go through another day without any message from her, I'll really get down.

I still don't think this is a crush, at least I hope so.

Double-take

Ever since I found my passion in drawing again, I've spent even less time on bothering about finding love and the like so it's no wonder that I hardly post in here.

I'm still surprised at the fact that it's been more than a year since I've stopped liking Prince.

I'm even more surprised at the fact that I haven't been "in love" in this past year or so. I had celebrity crushes and I was attracted to some people but compared to Prince and...

You see, I even forgot the nickname that I coined for him.

Ah, right, it was Law.

Anyway, they were both serious crushes, like really serious.

But I know that none of them was love.

Because love can only exist if it's a two way effort.

But yeah, I'm surprised at the fact that I've gone for a long time without yearning so desperately for a relationship and I mean, yeah, I'd still like to be in one but I don't let that be the only thing on my mind. Most probably because my mind is more preoccupied by other things.

But, this isn't the reason why I wanted to post in here.

Two days ago, we had our history test and it was the first time that I saw Prince in a long time since his absence in school has increased steadily over the past year.

I got out of class early because I didn't know a question and I felt too stressed out to look at the paper. I intended to leave early but I got stopped in the hallway by a girl who began asking me questions and it turned out to take a long time.

That was when Prince came out and when he passed by us, I noticed that he looked my way for some time before he went on ahead.

I don't know why, but I do have my own speculations.

One, I have been working out consistently the past month so maybe I've lost some obvious weight so he was surprised with how I look now especially since we don't really see each other that much.

Reminds me, we did get to talk that time back in February hahaha.

Anyway, it could also be that he just was surprised to see that I was still there despite leaving the class early.

...

That's all for now. I've hardly ranted about love relationships in ages and I guess it's cause I'm in the midst of building a strong relationship with myself as an artist. For now I'm just happy with where I am and I will continue to become a much more stronger and better person with God's help.

Almost became stupid

I don't know why but I started being oh-so-self-important today but I think it's probably because I'm even more aware of Ken now.

I know it's just me but I feel like he has started to notice me a bit and I felt like he looked my way once or twice.

Why do I feel like that? Well, let me just type it out so that I will remember the stupidity I almost did.

After our group had our presentation (which I almost blew OTL), I began to draw on my laptop and somehow, I felt like someone was looking at me and when I briefly glanced up, I noticed Ken in front of me and I don't know why but I just assumed he was the one looking at me drawing.

Because, after I noticed that, he suddenly moved over behind the row of chairs (we're in an auditorium style classroom except we're on flat ground) and he stood in the same row as I was sitting. There was nothing between us and I didn't hear him talking with anyone else so I just felt like he was watching me.

It was just a feeling though as I couldn't really turn to look.

So I decided to show off my really amateur drawing skills by zooming out on the drawing I was working on but I just tried to keep it cool. Seriously, palm face to the max.

At one point when I was getting my friend's attention, he turned to look at me but it wasn't anything important.

I should probably mention that I've also been looking at someone else; not that I find him hot or attractive, but he's just interesting to me because he's a Chinese Australian, complete with the accent, so I don't think he mixes too well with the Chinese people in my class who are from China. Let's call him Henry.

Well at one point, Yu and I were sitting outside, discussing our project (Prince was right next to us hahaha), when I noticed that since we were directly sitting in front of the ajar front door, he was in my line of vision so I don't know why but I just looked at him while I listened to Yu.

He almost caught me looking a few times though and we made brief eye-contact once but in my defense, I really felt like he looked at me at some points. But it could have been my imagination, really.

Nevertheless, I will make sure to not fall in love and just to focus on drawing and on my uni assignments.

Things that really aren't important but anyway

First and foremost, I don't think I have a crush on Ken; he just attracts my attention, that's all.

Small stuff about him.

Last Wednesday while his group was getting a review I went over to the tutor and asked the tutor a question to which he replied in a joking manner and I did get the joke but maybe I seemed too serious (though I don't know how) so he had to explain that it was a joke to which I replied "Of course, I get it." And then I saw Ken smile; which is probably not the most attractive sight in the world since his face was all scrunched up but he was still pretty cute. Nevertheless, I only got a quick glance at him before I restrained myself and moved away.

And then I dreamt about him last night. Pretty weird. I can't exactly remember the details but I do remember that I was in the same room as him together with a couple other people and then a guy that knew I had a thing for Ken started saying his name repeatedly, all the while looking at me.

And then I saw him at the uni today although he probably didn't see me.

It's all good though.

The next few days are going to be hell though. We'll see.

My brain just loves to think it's in love

Okay, to keep things short; I told Tia two weeks or so ago that I kind of felt attracted to Ken.

Yesterday, the meter escalated a bit more because I saw him for two days in a row and I couldn't help but just stare at him. A slightly perverted thing happened also on Monday while I was fixing my model.

I was bending and gluing my model, paying no attention whatsoever to the people around me when I heard someone say 'Sorry' and when I looked up I saw that Ken needed to pass behind me. Since I was practically in the middle of a tight alley made by tables on either side, my only option was to press myself forward because I needed to protect my model in order for him to pass.

And I'm sure you guys can guess what it looked like when he passed behind me and the thing is he kind of laughed or chuckled or something like that but quietly; so quiet that I almost didn't hear it.

But I didn't really give much of a reaction because I was super panicked about my model.

And then throughout the rest of the day and the day after that, my eyes followed him and I shamelessly sat next to him on one occasion but that is it.

Okay, back to the main topic.

I went to a dinner party yesterday and somehow or another, I ended up staying till 6 am because we were playing Truth or Dare. Now, during the party, I was busy telling Tia how afraid I am to pursue anything further because I know I'm not good enough for him when a friend of mine's boyfriend leaned in to listen and started guessing his name and when he found out he was all up for it to give me tips.

Needless to say, some other people found out that I like him, even a friend of mine who is a close friend of his so I still feel pretty embarrassed about it until now.

Oh gosh. I would like something to happen but at the same time I'm hoping for nothing to happen.

Okay I really need to sleep.

After almost a year

Would you believe that Prince finally initiated a conversation with me? 

Nope, I couldn't believe it either. It happened two days ago.

Maybe it's because Carl first started talking with me for a bit that afternoon. And then I let both of them get their review first although I arrived earlier than them but I only did that because their appointment with the professor was supposed to be before mine.

I got their attention while I had my review after theirs because of the drawings that I came up with for my building and they couldn't stop looking at it and yes, I felt flattered but soon after that I forgot about them and just concentrated on my work.

And then later on while we were having our group review in the evening, they came to look at our layout and stayed to look especially when it came to my part because of all the materials that I had. Heck, they even played with the models I made. Well, not played but you get the gist.

Before the review though, they were already looking at them again and Carl asked me a really stupid question.

Carl: Beth, what's the function of this thing? *points to the roof plan

Me: It's a roof of course. What else could it be?

And Prince chuckled a bit at my blunt sarcasm and I felt a bit surprised. But anyway.

The conversation happened as I was packing up my models which were next to where they were sticking tape to their boards. Prince suddenly came near me and I didn't really pay attention to him because I just assumed that he was only going to look again but then he suddenly spoke up.

Prince: How did you do your models?

Carl: Yeah, did you get someone to help you hold them while you put them in place?

Me: No, I wish I had three hands at that time hahaha.

We talked for a few minutes but basically the conversation revolved around the models and how Prince had tried to do it before but he couldn't. I was surprised that I wasn't having irregular and fast heartbeats so I guess I am pretty much over him which somehow saddens me a bit though I don't know why.

When I left I thanked both of them for their suggestions and Prince smiled. I couldn't help but just look at him every time I held a conversation with both of them. Guess I'm still a bit disgusted and disturbed with Carl and I just can't help feeling that way about him sadly.

Anyway, I want to talk about Ken for a bit, if you guys still remember him.

I really think he is such a sweet guy and I really think I would have fallen for him if I hadn't restrained myself and if I thought that I had a chance with him because I know that I don't.

On the same day that I talked with Prince, I had a few encounters with Ken.

One was when a friend of mine had borrowed a pen and I walked away after that so later on when he wanted to give it back to me I just asked him to throw it and as expected, I couldn't catch it. Ken happened to be in the middle and when he saw the pen drop, he stooped to pick it up despite it being further away from him than me but I managed to pick it up before him and I felt too embarrassed to look at him to even thank him for his attempt so I just moved away.

And then I needed to go to the front of the class for some reason but one path was blocked so even though I didn't want to go near Ken (because I'm overly conscious of him and I'm sure he'd realise it if I went near him) I had to go through the path he was at.

So since he was blocking it I decided to go behind him but he instead stepped back so I could move in front of him and then we kind of danced on the spot, trying to give each other a way to pass or to stand in place and in the end he kind of chuckled and stepped in front and I also smiled and giggled a bit as I passed by him. (I know chuckled and giggled sounds so ugh but it did happen OTL).

He saw me being utterly shameless by trying to get over a table in a skirt but I pretended that he couldn't see anything. I hope he didn't.

And on one occasion he sat next to me as we both listened to a group getting their review. I also went to see him get his review which was a bit embarrassing cause I was kind of the only one doing that but it's all cool.

And I think that he noticed that I was staring at him a lot. I think he even caught me staring at some times but oh well.

And thus ends my so-called adventures with Ken.

A long post after a long hiatus. Amazing huh? But I guess since I'm trying not to focus too much on finding love, I didn't have much to say. It will come in it's own time and I really believe in that.