My brain just loves to think it's in love

Okay, to keep things short; I told Tia two weeks or so ago that I kind of felt attracted to Ken.

Yesterday, the meter escalated a bit more because I saw him for two days in a row and I couldn't help but just stare at him. A slightly perverted thing happened also on Monday while I was fixing my model.

I was bending and gluing my model, paying no attention whatsoever to the people around me when I heard someone say 'Sorry' and when I looked up I saw that Ken needed to pass behind me. Since I was practically in the middle of a tight alley made by tables on either side, my only option was to press myself forward because I needed to protect my model in order for him to pass.

And I'm sure you guys can guess what it looked like when he passed behind me and the thing is he kind of laughed or chuckled or something like that but quietly; so quiet that I almost didn't hear it.

But I didn't really give much of a reaction because I was super panicked about my model.

And then throughout the rest of the day and the day after that, my eyes followed him and I shamelessly sat next to him on one occasion but that is it.

Okay, back to the main topic.

I went to a dinner party yesterday and somehow or another, I ended up staying till 6 am because we were playing Truth or Dare. Now, during the party, I was busy telling Tia how afraid I am to pursue anything further because I know I'm not good enough for him when a friend of mine's boyfriend leaned in to listen and started guessing his name and when he found out he was all up for it to give me tips.

Needless to say, some other people found out that I like him, even a friend of mine who is a close friend of his so I still feel pretty embarrassed about it until now.

Oh gosh. I would like something to happen but at the same time I'm hoping for nothing to happen.

Okay I really need to sleep.

After almost a year

Would you believe that Prince finally initiated a conversation with me? 

Nope, I couldn't believe it either. It happened two days ago.

Maybe it's because Carl first started talking with me for a bit that afternoon. And then I let both of them get their review first although I arrived earlier than them but I only did that because their appointment with the professor was supposed to be before mine.

I got their attention while I had my review after theirs because of the drawings that I came up with for my building and they couldn't stop looking at it and yes, I felt flattered but soon after that I forgot about them and just concentrated on my work.

And then later on while we were having our group review in the evening, they came to look at our layout and stayed to look especially when it came to my part because of all the materials that I had. Heck, they even played with the models I made. Well, not played but you get the gist.

Before the review though, they were already looking at them again and Carl asked me a really stupid question.

Carl: Beth, what's the function of this thing? *points to the roof plan

Me: It's a roof of course. What else could it be?

And Prince chuckled a bit at my blunt sarcasm and I felt a bit surprised. But anyway.

The conversation happened as I was packing up my models which were next to where they were sticking tape to their boards. Prince suddenly came near me and I didn't really pay attention to him because I just assumed that he was only going to look again but then he suddenly spoke up.

Prince: How did you do your models?

Carl: Yeah, did you get someone to help you hold them while you put them in place?

Me: No, I wish I had three hands at that time hahaha.

We talked for a few minutes but basically the conversation revolved around the models and how Prince had tried to do it before but he couldn't. I was surprised that I wasn't having irregular and fast heartbeats so I guess I am pretty much over him which somehow saddens me a bit though I don't know why.

When I left I thanked both of them for their suggestions and Prince smiled. I couldn't help but just look at him every time I held a conversation with both of them. Guess I'm still a bit disgusted and disturbed with Carl and I just can't help feeling that way about him sadly.

Anyway, I want to talk about Ken for a bit, if you guys still remember him.

I really think he is such a sweet guy and I really think I would have fallen for him if I hadn't restrained myself and if I thought that I had a chance with him because I know that I don't.

On the same day that I talked with Prince, I had a few encounters with Ken.

One was when a friend of mine had borrowed a pen and I walked away after that so later on when he wanted to give it back to me I just asked him to throw it and as expected, I couldn't catch it. Ken happened to be in the middle and when he saw the pen drop, he stooped to pick it up despite it being further away from him than me but I managed to pick it up before him and I felt too embarrassed to look at him to even thank him for his attempt so I just moved away.

And then I needed to go to the front of the class for some reason but one path was blocked so even though I didn't want to go near Ken (because I'm overly conscious of him and I'm sure he'd realise it if I went near him) I had to go through the path he was at.

So since he was blocking it I decided to go behind him but he instead stepped back so I could move in front of him and then we kind of danced on the spot, trying to give each other a way to pass or to stand in place and in the end he kind of chuckled and stepped in front and I also smiled and giggled a bit as I passed by him. (I know chuckled and giggled sounds so ugh but it did happen OTL).

He saw me being utterly shameless by trying to get over a table in a skirt but I pretended that he couldn't see anything. I hope he didn't.

And on one occasion he sat next to me as we both listened to a group getting their review. I also went to see him get his review which was a bit embarrassing cause I was kind of the only one doing that but it's all cool.

And I think that he noticed that I was staring at him a lot. I think he even caught me staring at some times but oh well.

And thus ends my so-called adventures with Ken.

A long post after a long hiatus. Amazing huh? But I guess since I'm trying not to focus too much on finding love, I didn't have much to say. It will come in it's own time and I really believe in that.

Guys in Milan

I think I'm developing a small crush on Ken now but this time I know that it's just a crush, an attraction based on shallow facts, and whether I like it or not, I'm not going to allow myself to take this seriously because for someone like me who feeds off romanticism and such, I'm ready at all times to fall into love which is really pathetic.

Also, while my group mates and I were waiting for our turn to have our desk critique yesterday, I walked inside the room (which isn't our usual one) and saw a guy who was just sitting there at the table, reading. He looks Japanese to me but Yu thinks he's Chinese because he had an electronic pocket dictionary with him.

He just fascinated me, the way that he was so absorbed in the book, reading each page carefully as if to fill up his thoughts with each word. He had black hair which was a bit shaggy and long so that they covered his eyes but he is pretty cute. The major turn-off is the fact that he smokes which I caught him doing while I was looking outside. Oh well, no one's perfect.

I think that Ken knows me, at the very least, and that he recognises me. I felt that he looked at me at certain points while his group was having their pin-up but I didn't dare rest my eyes on him for too long because if he caught me staring I wouldn't know what to do so instead I just stared at his other group mates. As he was leaving, he said 'ciao' to one of his friends which is also my friend and my tutor and my friend said 'ciao' back to him and in Italian culture, whether you've met that person for the first time or not, you would normally say 'ciao' back. So yeah, I feel a bit sad that I didn't.

Nevertheless, this isn't something serious so it's okay.

Got to sleep now, I'm really tired.

It's all just attraction

Well I have a tiny crush on Ken now and it's just a crush, rest assured, not a real feeling. I think whenever I write these things I'm doing my best to convince myself that it's just a crush and not a real thing because otherwise I'll confuse both of them up.

I don't know, I just like the way he holds himself. When he presented his work to the class yesterday with the rest of his group mates, he didn't even interject them while they said their part (and my group mates kept interrupting me even though I never interrupted them) and when the professors were giving their opinion on the project, he just listened to them and slightly raised his eyebrows but overall he didn't even raise his voice or went against them.

I just think that he's sweet. He even stayed for a bit to look at our presentation and smiled when a joke was cracked but he left after that.

But I know that this is just a crush and that I have no chance whatsoever with him because I'm not a hot Italian girl, I can't speak a lot of Italian, and I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend because he is too cute and well-mannered to not have one.

In any case, I'm not going to hunt for romance here in Italy because I really can't trust the people and myself here. I might end up going against my own beliefs and I somehow feel that it's much more safer in Asia than here, for goody-two shoes type girls like me.

So for now I'm just going to content myself by thinking of Lay. He always makes me more inspired and makes me feel more happier.

I really wish I could meet him or a guy like him in real life. I'm just going to have to believe that this is possible.

To not step beyond the border

To keep things short and simple (cause I need to go do my work after this) I will sum everything up that happened to me last Friday night during my friend's birthday party even though originally I wanted to make a long post. Anyway, let's see how this post will turn out.

Technically on that day I got a little bit more tipsier than usual but don't worry, I was still able to think clearly and to notice certain things around me.

I was dancing most of the time after the food and I noticed that guys were looking at me, in particular some of my Italian coursemates who never even talked much to me in the previous semester, and I wasn't even dancing like some sexy girl and I'm sure my moves were extremely uncool. My friends said it was because I had a tremendous amount of energy.

So tremendous that the entire room was staring at me. =-= Yeah, I'm still embarrassed as hell about it because one, that wasn't even a club but more like a bar.

And two, some guy just came over and started dancing with me. At first I thought he was dared to do so but apparently he wanted to dance with me because I was alone which happened a lot because my friends always left me. =-= I tried to stop several times but they wouldn't allow me to sit.

Those situations just made me more aware about what men, in general, wants. It makes me fear relationships even more and I really would just like to remain single for now. Their eyes really terrified me.

Anywho I'm going to go to another party this weekend (wow, I'm so popular suddenly OMG) and I hope that I won't cause something like that to happen again and yes, I'd love to dance again but I'd rather dance for myself than for other people. I don't mind dancing in a corner and being alone as long as I can dance.

Truthfully, I only started getting into dancing ever since I began liking Lay. I will do my best for him. My Chinese has also been going well. I really do hope that I can meet him and talk to him in Chinese but that's a long way from now.

Okay I will go take my shower soon, play a few games of candy crush, read and research, study Chinese, and then sleep. I have a feeling I'll only be sleeping at 2 but that's okay. :)

On a side note, I've become more wary of an Italian guy in my class, let's call him Ken, and I somehow think it's because of his personality. He's really quiet among people but more open to his friends and he doesn't boast and he is ready to admit his mistakes. It's also a bonus that he is quite cute; blonde hair and blue eyes. Although he is on the shorter side (I keep falling for guys shorter than me or those who are around my height :|), he really is attractive.

Rest assured though, I won't let this get to me. I have Lay already for that and I'll be waiting for someone like him. :)

And Carl on the other hand (just to let you guys know) is the complete opposite of Ken. He made a mistake during the pin-up review and when the professor corrected him, yet again, he refused to admit his fault.

Well anyway, that's all for now. I need to get my act together and to push harder for my dreams!

PS. Did I mention that the party this weekend will be partly for Carl?????????? Initially I decided to click the 'join' button on Facebook because it was to celebrate one of my guy friend's birthday but suddenly it became Carl's one as well. Let's just hope that I don't talk much with him.

An edge

Well I stayed up late last night to read Strobe Edge and I spent 3-4 hours today to finish it but all in all, I'm happy with the ending.

Also, today I talked with Tia about living arrangements with a guy after the engagement and before marrying him and she asked me this question: "Would you be able to refrain yourself from not doing anything if you were to be alone with one of the guys from your computer?"

What she meant by computer is my desktop wallpaper cause I have a lot of pictures of Lee Jong Hyun, Kai, Ray and Joseph Gordon-Levitt that keeps changing on it.

And those two together made me wonder; is it possible to actually find guys who are more for the emotional and spiritual than the physical???

I somehow assume that 80% of guys these days expect sex to happen somewhere somehow during the girlfriend-boyfriend phase and that made me wonder whether or not I'll ever find a guy who also shares the same views as me, a traditional and platonic view.

Yes, I'm really naive, traditional and foolish for thinking like that but I don't want to go against God.

I just think that it isn't worth giving up a precious part of yourself for something that could be temporary.

That's also one of the reasons why I prefer Asian guys over those who aren't and yes, I know that Asian guys have those urges and many have actually acted on those urges already but compared to other guys, the percentage of Asian guys who sleep with their girlfriends is more likely lower as opposed to other guys.

I'm not saying that it's true, I could be wrong, but from what I can see, Asian people tend to be a bit more traditional so if something like that should happen, the guy will definitely take responsibility. In most cases that is. Not all Asian guys are chaste.

I probably have the impossible dream, I know, but I'd like to think that I'll be able to reach it and make it a reality one day.

Dear God, I am praying for a guy like that to appear who will like me and who I can like back.

Oh my high school way of thinking, when will you ever mature?

Wariness

I really do believe that Prince knows that I liked him. Still not sure if the word 'like' is a past-tense for me but it seems safer to go with it although at some points today I felt like I was falling for him again. Not just today though, for the previous days as well but nevertheless, I won't do anything irrational.

Why do I believe in that fact?

Today in class, he sat behind me instead of in the middle as usual because some other people were occupying his usual spot where he sits with one of my guy friends (again we have the same circles but we can never seem to make our own :|).

When the morning lecture ended, I turned around in my seat to try and locate Tia because I needed to talk with her about our project and when I did, Prince turned to look at me but I didn't want to make eye-contact with him so when I found Tia, I got out from my seat and went to her place which was the row immediately behind Prince's.

Then I began talking with her about the project in a normal tone and every now and then, it seemed as though he was listening in to the conversation and he even turned a bit I think.

Also at the end of the day, I said bye to Yu and he turned to look for a bit but since I don't usually say 'bye' to him or to my other guy friend, I didn't bother to.

In a way, I guess you can say that I'm avoiding him though I don't really know why. There're a couple of good reasons in my head but somehow they don't seem to fit into the way I'd like to express the reason for this constant evasion.

Most probably because he treated me a bit harshly (oh how dramatic) or I'm just too lazy to try to build a friendship but regardless of all of that, I somehow know he's wary of me.

I also talked a bit with the Australian guy and I really thought that I'd get attracted to him or something since he's a pretty boy (which is somehow almost always the kind of guy that I'd go for) but I didn't get any of those nerve-wrecking feelings.

Which in fact manifested in small quantities today when I thought about Prince.

But anyway, I wonder when will be the next time that I'll get these feelings again. Life seems too still without them.

Fishes in the sea

That's just it.

It took me a couple of guys to figure it out but when it all boils down, you realise that there are other guys out there.

And why am I saying this?

I went skiing last weekend and I made friends with some Singaporeans (of which, I initiated the conversation so that's a big step for me :)), 2 guys and 3 girls.

We met that morning while they were asking questions about which bus to take but my other friend, Ave, didn't seem too interested to talking with them so even though I wanted to continue talking with them, I couldn't.

On a side note, a guy from China was hitting on my friend and then moved on to me when she didn't respond to him and because I was trying to be friendly, he got attached to me.

And how did I know he was hitting on me?

He asked me the type of guy girls from my country usually like and I said dark skinned people (he's fair XD) and even said that they were dark because they played basketball (lame, I know) and then he went on to say that  he plays basketball as well and that he should go to my country to play it.... =-= He even made me compare heights with him, just to show me that he's tall.

Anyway, I talked more with the girls so he didn't bother me, thank goodness.

But continuing on the main topic here, I realised that I get interested in guys easily.

Well, not exactly. Okay, maybe yes.

When I first saw Adam I was intrigued because even though he looked Chinese (he is Chinese XD) he spoke to me in English. The next time we spoke, he didn't really pay much attention and he played with his phone most of the time. As time increased though he'd talk more and he got excited over certain subjects which I couldn't pursue since Ave wouldn't have much to talk about then since there wouldn't be much similarities.

He is pretty average looking; facial scars, tall, skinny, black hair, big eyes.

Woah, I just realised I never described how Law or Prince looked like. Not properly anyway.

Law: Short, black hair, fair, skinny, small eyes, big smile
Prince: Tall, skinny athletic build, dark, black hair (he changed his hairstyle today XD), wears spectacles (sometimes), really cute smile (and that's the truth!)

Okay, continuing on again, Adam was pretty nice to me the whole time.

I sat next to him at dinner and on the way to the "student party" and we talked but not a lot and he tried to not make it awkward so that was good.

I got a bit tipsy (and I only had a few drinks and one shot). I could still think but I felt more loose and I just wanted to be loose because I needed a break from all the studying (and now I understand why people party hahaha, but I won't do it a lot to be sure) so I danced a lot.

I feel bad though because they didn't really have a lot of fun so I took on the role of the clown, providing them some entertainment but they had to take care of me most of the time. People were pushing everywhere and at times I felt like hitting on him but since he checked his phone a lot, I assumed he has a girlfriend so I didn't and we only made physical contact once when I was almost pushed on to him. Other than that, I kept my distance.

The next day I kept falling down and looking pathetic while learning how to ski (I managed it in the end! :D) and at one really pathetic point he was nice enough to ask if I was okay and I'm not sure how I replied but I most probably smiled.

At the end of the trip, if I didn't have Ave with me, I would've probably sat next to him since the girl I first talked to, Laurel, was sitting with the other guy, Stan, and he was alone but I didn't which is probably a good thing as well. It'll probably be the last time I'll see him again though.

So moral of the story, I can be attracted to other guys so I must not only set my eyes on Prince and keep opening my eyes and mind to other possibilities.

I think the reason why I find Adam interesting is his personality cause I only acknowledged this interest after getting to know him a bit better.

Well, that's it for Adam.

I went back to classes today and I saw Prince and again I realised that he doesn't really have people to hang out with which I find a bit sad. I wish I could be his friend but I have my own group as well so I can only approach him if I'm alone and if he's alone.

At times today, like at the end of each lecture, he would look in my direction and I don't know why, but I didn't really make any eye contact. In the afternoon, he initially sat behind me but he moved away after that, one more row behind. I got bored in the middle of the lecture and began looking around me and I looked behind me to see a graffiti on the wall and he immediately shifted in his seat so I think he was looking at me.

Maybe I'll talk with him tomorrow, who knows? I can't plan these kinds of things. I can only hope we'll end up being in the same studio.

I will bath now, come back and do some research on my homework or learn Italian before I sleep. My new roommate, Xia (Chinese! :D), sleeps and wakes up very early and I want to adjust my life slightly to be like hers. I hope that I will grow up and really change for the better.

And another

I dreamt about him again last night but I completely forgot all the details.

Wow, am I really that attracted to him or something? I mean, this never did happened for me when I liked Law.

I chatted with a guy friend of mine on Facebook and when I talked about Prince, I didn't get as hyper as I used to be when I used to like Law. I guess I'm finally coming to my senses about this whole romantic thing.

When I get back though I'll be focusing more of my attention on studying a lot so hopefully nothing will distract me too much.

To bed now. Good night. :)