Almost became stupid

I don't know why but I started being oh-so-self-important today but I think it's probably because I'm even more aware of Ken now.

I know it's just me but I feel like he has started to notice me a bit and I felt like he looked my way once or twice.

Why do I feel like that? Well, let me just type it out so that I will remember the stupidity I almost did.

After our group had our presentation (which I almost blew OTL), I began to draw on my laptop and somehow, I felt like someone was looking at me and when I briefly glanced up, I noticed Ken in front of me and I don't know why but I just assumed he was the one looking at me drawing.

Because, after I noticed that, he suddenly moved over behind the row of chairs (we're in an auditorium style classroom except we're on flat ground) and he stood in the same row as I was sitting. There was nothing between us and I didn't hear him talking with anyone else so I just felt like he was watching me.

It was just a feeling though as I couldn't really turn to look.

So I decided to show off my really amateur drawing skills by zooming out on the drawing I was working on but I just tried to keep it cool. Seriously, palm face to the max.

At one point when I was getting my friend's attention, he turned to look at me but it wasn't anything important.

I should probably mention that I've also been looking at someone else; not that I find him hot or attractive, but he's just interesting to me because he's a Chinese Australian, complete with the accent, so I don't think he mixes too well with the Chinese people in my class who are from China. Let's call him Henry.

Well at one point, Yu and I were sitting outside, discussing our project (Prince was right next to us hahaha), when I noticed that since we were directly sitting in front of the ajar front door, he was in my line of vision so I don't know why but I just looked at him while I listened to Yu.

He almost caught me looking a few times though and we made brief eye-contact once but in my defense, I really felt like he looked at me at some points. But it could have been my imagination, really.

Nevertheless, I will make sure to not fall in love and just to focus on drawing and on my uni assignments.

After almost a year

Would you believe that Prince finally initiated a conversation with me? 

Nope, I couldn't believe it either. It happened two days ago.

Maybe it's because Carl first started talking with me for a bit that afternoon. And then I let both of them get their review first although I arrived earlier than them but I only did that because their appointment with the professor was supposed to be before mine.

I got their attention while I had my review after theirs because of the drawings that I came up with for my building and they couldn't stop looking at it and yes, I felt flattered but soon after that I forgot about them and just concentrated on my work.

And then later on while we were having our group review in the evening, they came to look at our layout and stayed to look especially when it came to my part because of all the materials that I had. Heck, they even played with the models I made. Well, not played but you get the gist.

Before the review though, they were already looking at them again and Carl asked me a really stupid question.

Carl: Beth, what's the function of this thing? *points to the roof plan

Me: It's a roof of course. What else could it be?

And Prince chuckled a bit at my blunt sarcasm and I felt a bit surprised. But anyway.

The conversation happened as I was packing up my models which were next to where they were sticking tape to their boards. Prince suddenly came near me and I didn't really pay attention to him because I just assumed that he was only going to look again but then he suddenly spoke up.

Prince: How did you do your models?

Carl: Yeah, did you get someone to help you hold them while you put them in place?

Me: No, I wish I had three hands at that time hahaha.

We talked for a few minutes but basically the conversation revolved around the models and how Prince had tried to do it before but he couldn't. I was surprised that I wasn't having irregular and fast heartbeats so I guess I am pretty much over him which somehow saddens me a bit though I don't know why.

When I left I thanked both of them for their suggestions and Prince smiled. I couldn't help but just look at him every time I held a conversation with both of them. Guess I'm still a bit disgusted and disturbed with Carl and I just can't help feeling that way about him sadly.

Anyway, I want to talk about Ken for a bit, if you guys still remember him.

I really think he is such a sweet guy and I really think I would have fallen for him if I hadn't restrained myself and if I thought that I had a chance with him because I know that I don't.

On the same day that I talked with Prince, I had a few encounters with Ken.

One was when a friend of mine had borrowed a pen and I walked away after that so later on when he wanted to give it back to me I just asked him to throw it and as expected, I couldn't catch it. Ken happened to be in the middle and when he saw the pen drop, he stooped to pick it up despite it being further away from him than me but I managed to pick it up before him and I felt too embarrassed to look at him to even thank him for his attempt so I just moved away.

And then I needed to go to the front of the class for some reason but one path was blocked so even though I didn't want to go near Ken (because I'm overly conscious of him and I'm sure he'd realise it if I went near him) I had to go through the path he was at.

So since he was blocking it I decided to go behind him but he instead stepped back so I could move in front of him and then we kind of danced on the spot, trying to give each other a way to pass or to stand in place and in the end he kind of chuckled and stepped in front and I also smiled and giggled a bit as I passed by him. (I know chuckled and giggled sounds so ugh but it did happen OTL).

He saw me being utterly shameless by trying to get over a table in a skirt but I pretended that he couldn't see anything. I hope he didn't.

And on one occasion he sat next to me as we both listened to a group getting their review. I also went to see him get his review which was a bit embarrassing cause I was kind of the only one doing that but it's all cool.

And I think that he noticed that I was staring at him a lot. I think he even caught me staring at some times but oh well.

And thus ends my so-called adventures with Ken.

A long post after a long hiatus. Amazing huh? But I guess since I'm trying not to focus too much on finding love, I didn't have much to say. It will come in it's own time and I really believe in that.

Guys in Milan

I think I'm developing a small crush on Ken now but this time I know that it's just a crush, an attraction based on shallow facts, and whether I like it or not, I'm not going to allow myself to take this seriously because for someone like me who feeds off romanticism and such, I'm ready at all times to fall into love which is really pathetic.

Also, while my group mates and I were waiting for our turn to have our desk critique yesterday, I walked inside the room (which isn't our usual one) and saw a guy who was just sitting there at the table, reading. He looks Japanese to me but Yu thinks he's Chinese because he had an electronic pocket dictionary with him.

He just fascinated me, the way that he was so absorbed in the book, reading each page carefully as if to fill up his thoughts with each word. He had black hair which was a bit shaggy and long so that they covered his eyes but he is pretty cute. The major turn-off is the fact that he smokes which I caught him doing while I was looking outside. Oh well, no one's perfect.

I think that Ken knows me, at the very least, and that he recognises me. I felt that he looked at me at certain points while his group was having their pin-up but I didn't dare rest my eyes on him for too long because if he caught me staring I wouldn't know what to do so instead I just stared at his other group mates. As he was leaving, he said 'ciao' to one of his friends which is also my friend and my tutor and my friend said 'ciao' back to him and in Italian culture, whether you've met that person for the first time or not, you would normally say 'ciao' back. So yeah, I feel a bit sad that I didn't.

Nevertheless, this isn't something serious so it's okay.

Got to sleep now, I'm really tired.

The Forever Train - Story II

You inhale and open your eyes.

The first thing you notice is the empty seat across you; the sunlight and shadows playing a game amongst themselves in a rapid tempo. Taking a look outside, you see foliage of various green shades and just beyond that you can make out hills and meadows.

Laughter fills the air and you can hear people chattering away. Of course, there’s someone crying, although why you had to reason it with an ‘of course’ leaves you wondering why. Regardless of the situation you are in and how you surprisingly feel like you have been sitting there forever, you have no clue how you got there.

As you sit pondering there, your hands neatly folded on your lap and your eyes entertained by the passing view, you notice a figure moving towards you and you look up.

It’s a boy with headphones in his ears wearing a black cap and a grey hoodie. He pauses for a while in the aisle, right next to the empty seat across you, and you find yourself hoping he will sit down. After all, all the other seats in this carriage are occupied but he moves on and disappears into the next car. Funny how the seating arrangements are two seats facing each other and not the usual four.

It strikes you as odd; you’ve never been on a train like this, but you didn’t have much time to think over this as a pretty boy with a fair complexion approaches you.

Again you find yourself hoping he will sit down since you’re starting to feel a little bit out of place, being the only soloist in the carriage, but he passes by again.

A third guy enters the carriage and starts looking around.

You sit straighter and realise your hair is a mess so you straighten it up a bit and pat your skirt neatly. As he walks down the aisle, you make eye contact with him and both of you exchange smiles.

“Hello.” You say.

“Hi.” He responds.

Before you can get another word out though, his attention is brought elsewhere and he spies an empty chair in the corner. He leaves without a word and you feel sad. It could have been him.

You turn your attention back to the passing scenery. No more hoping for someone to take the seat.

Other guys pass by in the corridor and some even pause near you but they don’t look like good company with that bottle of beer in his hand or that noisy looking toy in his pocket. Not once did you look up when they stopped until they finally leave but you just give them a quick glance before looking back at the scenery.

I have had enough for today.

You close your eyes as you feel the warmth of the sunshine bathing you in a sleepy stupor.

“Excuse me.”

Your eyes fly open and it takes a moment for you to register what is happening. The bright yellow light now pale yellow with, if you were seeing things right, flecks of gold and orange. A mysterious light indeed. Next to the empty seat across from you stands a guy in a grey jacket.

“Is this seat taken?”

You shake your head and smile at him, hoping it’d put him at ease and that he will occupy the seat. He returns the smile and placing his bag in the overhead compartment, he takes the seat across from you.

Both of you make eye contact and exchange smiles again before you both look out of the window.

You didn't get a clear look at his face but you remember that he has dark brown eyes and a dimple on his right cheek. Glancing from the corner of your eyes, you see that he has dark brown hair as well. In his hand he holds a book.

Looking down into your own hands, you realise you’re holding a book as well. Why didn’t I notice this before? Looking back up, you see that he is completely absorbed in nature’s beauty. You settle back in your chair and look outside again.

“Where are you going to?” Did he just ask you a question?

“Sorry, are you talking to me?”

“Well, you’re the only one here aren’t you?”

Until then, you didn’t realise that the entire carriage was empty except for the small compartment that both of you occupied. Somehow, that makes you feel happy. But then you also realise that that wasn’t the only thing that you didn’t notice.

“I don’t know actually.” He turns to look at you, his eyes wide in surprise.

“You don’t have a destination?”

“I have a ticket. That much I know, but I never checked it again after I got on here.”

“Guess you just know when you have to get off, huh?” He smiles at me and leans back in his seat. “Same here.”

He has big eyes and a straight nose. His lips look really full and he scratches his head when he forgets what he’s about to say. You like the flow of the conversation and in the mysterious golden light, he looks like a god. This stranger makes you feel comfortable.

At every moment you find yourself trying to sit straighter and you play with your hair constantly as words are exchanged. He mirrors your movements, straightening his jacket and fiddling with his hair.

“Hungry?” You ask and take out a wicker basket from under your seat, surprised you knew that it was there. He nods his head, never taking his eyes from the basket which produced a variety of sandwiches and a thermos filled with sweet tea. There is a slice of cake as well which the both of you polished off as soon as the sandwiches disappeared.

“Thank you,” he says with a childish grin. You can’t help but smile back. “You’re welcome.”

Silence fills up the space between both of you again as nightfall approaches and you find yourself getting sleepy and your head keeps bobbing up and down.

“Can I read what’s in your book?” His question catches you off-guard and you find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat despite not knowing the contents of the book exactly. You hesitate and look at him.

“Only if I can read yours.”

Striking a deal, an exchange of books took place and for the next hour or so, both of you poured your souls into reading the book in your hands.

“I’m sorry.” You look at him with tears in your eyes. He gives you a tired smile and places your book in his backpack. It doesn’t bother you that he just took it without asking you. You did the same anyway, keeping it in your backpack. “I’m sorry too.”

As the train pulls into a station both of you get out of the carriage and walk out of the building towards a quiet town.

In the shadows of the trees, walking down a familiar looking path, both of you continue to stride easily, side-by-side.

It appears you have arrived at a sea.

Both of you sit down on the sand and watch the white moonlit waves rolling, the wind making a mess of your hair, your hands entwined and your head on his shoulder. Silence again.

“I love you.”

He shifts slightly and you feel his fingers on your face, gently turning it so that your eyes meet again and as he lowers his lips to yours, you hear the words you know you have been searching for.

“I love you too.”

Do unicorns exist?

I really believe that SME is extremely good at giving their idols very good images. Ordinary fans and new fans will be immediately enchanted by the good boys and good girls who are extremely gorgeous and talented. Sasaeng fans know better on the other hand.

I read up some more facts about EXO now and although most of the facts all show them in a good light, I know that there's no way that they can be that perfect.

But I have no idea why I keep on seeing Lay in a good light.

I tried to look for bad stuff about him in vain and overall he really does sound like a perfect guy.

Is it because he's Catholic?

That's another rumour that has yet to be confirmed but so far, that's what everyone says.

But if he is so good and mature and kind... I don't know. It makes me think that he's really really really like a unicorn, an example of a very rare guy.

I don't know why but I kind of give up on the idea of ever dating, not like I want to.

Because seriously, despite my good personality, skills and above average looks, what guy would date me if they knew that I completely refuse the idea of sex before marriage?

Call it general stereotyping, but isn't it true that most guys are in relationships because they want to have sex?

Well, in general, Western guys are more open about it than Asian guys but I don't know. I still think Asian guys are more conservative and are against the sex before marriage thing.

Maybe that's why I'm only attracted to Asian guys. Because of the conservative thing.

Lately whenever I pass by people while walking, the thought that they've all already, probably, have slept with someone if they're already above the age of 13 pops into my head.

It gets even worse when I see guys because all that I ever think is that they just can't wait to get inside someone's pants, regardless of gender according to their own preference.

It's a really bad and judgemental thought but I can't help but think that way. It's really hard to force yourself to think in a nicer manner once you've got that thought running in your head.

And so, only for the moment hopefully, I am completely turned off at the idea of getting a boyfriend, much less if some guy likes me.

I'm currently content with just thinking that Lay is a perfect guy and that I'm in an imaginary relationship with him.

Maybe that's why I'm attracted to guys who look like girls and have such an innocent and awkward image. It's because I think that their sexual drive is lower, not like that's for sure or anything.

Assumptions, assumptions.

I will turn 20 in less than three months and I can then officially say that I have never had a relationship while I was in my teens, which is what most of my friends had already.

Yes, I feel sad at that thought because I can't ever do any of those things that I read in mangas or watch in animes or movies or dramas but I feel a bit happy knowing that I didn't have to suffer intense heartbreaks and stuff.

But I really do feel sad that I never went out on a date during my teens.

No scenes of me shyly holding a guy's hand, or a first kiss, or excitedly texting someone, or calling each other till late at night. When will I ever get to do any of those things?

Is it too much to ask for a guy who's conservative, who I find attractive (physically, personally etc.) and will actually like me?

I'm pretty pathetic aren't I?

All my siblings, older and younger than me, has been in or is still in a relationship and yeah, I do feel left out.

But I don't want a boyfriend in order to fit in, please don't think like that.

.............................

I'm really going to live through life alone aren't I? I really hope not.

People I didn't want to meet

Lo and behold, I got the same design studio as Carl and Prince.

I came into class a bit late and I almost sat next to them but luckily I spotted them early and decided to change my seat to go to the other side.

They did notice me though, especially since my hair was previously super long and now it's super short, and Carl kept passing by me and coming near me. I think he wanted to talk to me but I was talking with other people and I really didn't want to talk with him so we never did.

On the other hand, I kept feeling like Prince was looking at me and at one point when the professor said something both of us turned to look at each other.

I really do think that we have the same brainwave length but I don't feel attracted to him anymore.

In fact, if I see anyone that resembles him even from the back, I feel fear shooting through my veins and I don't know why.

Yesterday I hung out with some of my friends and we somehow got around to the topic of whether we liked anyone in our course or not and I just said his name and one of the girls said that it's good that I moved on from him because he's the type who isn't looking for something serious.

And surprisingly she said that I was way better than him and that I should deserve someone better.

Any how I don't want to fall for anyone at the moment, only YiXing. It'll help me concentrate better.

Of pheromones and hormones

Good evening reader who stumbled upon this page or to the very few readers that I do have.

It's been about two months since I last posted anything up, mainly because I hardly went online as I am still having my holidays in Malaysia and I rather spend all my time with my family. After all, I'll be all alone again with this laptop (got a new one! XD) as soon as I get back.

But someone who's an extreme stranger to me caught my eye and has been on my mind for the past three days so I knew I just needed to get this off my chest before it gets viral in my head and I start to believe that I have sincere feelings for him.

Which brings me to a new conclusion that I have summed up for myself.

I believe that attraction is caused by a sudden rush of a mixture of our hormones when we get affected by another's pheromones and somewhat unfortunately, I get trapped by these pheromones for too long so it takes a long time for them to wear off whereby in the mean time, my mind convinces itself that it is in "love".

So let me just get this guy out of my head, heck, I don't even know his name.

All that I do know is that he is a hairdresser.

And that he's probably gay.

I first saw him when I followed my sisters and brother to get their hair done at the salon. He did my brother's hair and he somehow got my attention, most probably because he looks like Prince (he even had almost the same hairstyle).

I thought he was cute and I was only slightly vocal about it but I forgot about him a few hours later.

Then, two days ago, my sister and I went to cut our hair and as soon as we sat down, a chatty guy started to work on her hair so I just awkwardly thumbed through a fashion magazine since I didn't have any paper I could use to draw with so I tried to entertain myself with the feature story.

And then he came up behind me and started attending to me and I really did try to make myself act cool but I could feel myself like being all shy and awkward which always happens when I'm around the guy I like.

It was already bad enough that I tried to avoid eye-contact while he was washing my hair but I just had to be all awkward when he tried talking to me in a somewhat quiet voice.

"Did you dye your hair or is it natural?"

"Uh..-it...-it's dyed"

Yes my lovely humans. Cringe in my honour. I don't think I did enough of it to suffice.

And then I really tried my best to not make eye-contact with him, even when he asked me how I wanted my fringe to be cut like and oh my gosh I really wanted to smack myself then.

"So... How do you want your fringe cut?"

"Erm... er..."

"Sideways? Straight?"

"... I-R'know..."

Facepalm. Facepalm. Facepalm.

Please don't follow my lead by trying to say "I don't know" while you're stammering.

It was so obvious that I wanted to get out from there, to get away from him before he sees me in an even worse state. I tried escaping from my chair twice and he wasn't even done yet but in my defence, I thought he was. I swear he was laughing on the inside.

He wasn't at the counter when both of us were paying up but just as my sister was about to pay, her hairdresser and mine came up and she started talking with her guy and I felt so uncomfortable that I bowed (in his direction) and said "Thank you" and then I went out because I supposedly wanted to buy something from the stationary shop nearby which happened to be closed on that day.

And I saw him at lunch but I pretended not to see him.

...

I feel much more relieved now. I really really really don't want to develop feelings for anyone for the next year or so because I want to concentrate on my dreams and studies, except for the occasional fangasm for my K-Pop biases.

And to add to the previously mentioned subject, I attended MTV World Stage Live in Malaysia 2013 (which I lined up for for 7 hours and then continued to stand for 4 hours) and I got to see EXO in the flesh! I was super close to the stage like only 4 metres or less away from them.

And I feel so good cause I waved to Lay and tried to yell for his attention but the crowd drowned out my voice but still he turned in my direction, made eye-contact with me and then waved and it was only to me I'm positive of that (I sound like one of those crazy fans but I assure you, at the very least I didn't leave right after they finished their performance to go stalk them like the other fans around me =-=;). We made eye-contact again just after they finished performing 'HISTORY' and really, it felt like a dream come true.

And now I have to get back to packing. Going to be heading off to the airport in 4 more days and I'm so not looking forward to it. When did I start hating aeroplane rides?

P.S. I had a minor crush on a guy who made us sushi in a restaurant as well just because he said "Excuse me" in perfect English. Brain, you sure are a strange creature.

An edge

Well I stayed up late last night to read Strobe Edge and I spent 3-4 hours today to finish it but all in all, I'm happy with the ending.

Also, today I talked with Tia about living arrangements with a guy after the engagement and before marrying him and she asked me this question: "Would you be able to refrain yourself from not doing anything if you were to be alone with one of the guys from your computer?"

What she meant by computer is my desktop wallpaper cause I have a lot of pictures of Lee Jong Hyun, Kai, Ray and Joseph Gordon-Levitt that keeps changing on it.

And those two together made me wonder; is it possible to actually find guys who are more for the emotional and spiritual than the physical???

I somehow assume that 80% of guys these days expect sex to happen somewhere somehow during the girlfriend-boyfriend phase and that made me wonder whether or not I'll ever find a guy who also shares the same views as me, a traditional and platonic view.

Yes, I'm really naive, traditional and foolish for thinking like that but I don't want to go against God.

I just think that it isn't worth giving up a precious part of yourself for something that could be temporary.

That's also one of the reasons why I prefer Asian guys over those who aren't and yes, I know that Asian guys have those urges and many have actually acted on those urges already but compared to other guys, the percentage of Asian guys who sleep with their girlfriends is more likely lower as opposed to other guys.

I'm not saying that it's true, I could be wrong, but from what I can see, Asian people tend to be a bit more traditional so if something like that should happen, the guy will definitely take responsibility. In most cases that is. Not all Asian guys are chaste.

I probably have the impossible dream, I know, but I'd like to think that I'll be able to reach it and make it a reality one day.

Dear God, I am praying for a guy like that to appear who will like me and who I can like back.

Oh my high school way of thinking, when will you ever mature?

Maybe a jump at the chance?

Due to several factors, I believe that Yu and I won't work as groupmates for the next exercise and I learnt this from Xia because Xia and Yu want to pair up together and naturally I feel a bit left out but I'm taking this as an experience to learn more from other people.

Thus, I found myself wanting to team up with Prince and it isn't because I still hold extremely deep feelings for him but because I actually find him an interesting person to work with and I do hope he holds the same regards for me.

Today for our second exercise's evaluation, Yu and I got an 'A' while he and Carl got an 'A/B' this time so in a way, I do think he might think of me as someone good to work with.

Initially I planned to ask him face to face but I decided to just ask him tonight via Facebook so at the very least we both won't be physically there to feel the awkwardness.

I was definitely not looking my best today so when I met him I did feel a bit embarrassed but that bit only sank in after he left me.

We were passing each other in the hallway and since he was going the opposite direction, I said "Hey" and smiled at him on instinct ad he looked surprised (as per usual) and I think he said a soft "Hey" and a mid-smile and I actually wanted to stop right there at the vending machine but he was still there so I pretended to walk ahead again.

We made eye-contact several times today accidentally and there was still that weird eye-contact thing going on. I do believe that this means that he is especially wary of me.

After the evaluation, he and Carl went over to our place to check the model out and he came over first but since we were talking with another girl, he left after a bit but he came back later when Carl came over.

I addressed both of them in general to show that I won't bite (cause I always have this feeling that they think I do) and when that happened, Prince moved in closer to have a look cause I'm sure that he was just waiting for the signal from me or something like that to have a look hahahaha. Carl was quite rude to me on the other hand, payback maybe? He kept talking to me though and it was a bit annoying.

In a way, I feel a bit sorry for Yu because I don't think she can talk with Prince so easily now, not like they've talked much, but I kind of decapitated their friendship.

So whether I get rejected by Prince later or not (which is only a 1% possibility I think), I'll just use the outcome to make me a better person. The rejection bit will help me to prepare for future rejections and I will really need to get acquainted with it I believe.

Also, on a different note, a 40-something year old guy was hitting on me last night, inviting me over to his single-roomed house and everything, and he asked me whether or not I've had sex before and I said "No" and he began saying stuff like if it happens, let it happen and up until then, I didn't realise his intentions.

Which is pretty stupid of me I guess but I just thought that he was being friendly.

It makes me wonder if every single guy out there is in it only for sex and I have been told that Italian men are notorious for this kind of attitude, which is probably the reason why I lean more towards Asian guys because they are in a sense more polite about it.

The guy hitting on me wasn't Italian by the way, I think that he just adopted that kind of behaviour after living here for several years.

After I made a kind of speech about guys having to respect my principles before even sleeping with me, he immediately lost all his friendliness and was brisk and I just pretended to be my usual jolly self and I pretended to go offline after that. Oh, such a classic.

That's it for now. Going to enjoy my salads now hahahaha. I haven't had a real break from my assignments and exams in a long time and I will enjoy it to the fullest but I will do my best to prepare myself for the coming ones. A bit sick today as well so I definitely did not look good today hahahahaha.

A passing thought

I'm actually just procrastinating on work here but this thought really did go through my head several times in class since last Friday.

Prince is seriously good looking.

You have no idea how many times I caught a short glimpse of him and wondered "Wow, since when did we have such a hot guy in our class?" only to realise who this "hot guy" was several seconds later and seriously, I'm not lying.

Is it because I forgot how his face looked like, especially since he's using a photo with his sunglasses on for his Facebook profile picture?

HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SHEEP THIS IS HILARIOUS.

But yeah, he is really the type to catch anyone's attention with his looks. I'm really considering as to whether I should draw a manga version of him and to upload it on here. Maybe I should even do it for all of the other previous guys.

And manga version because it'd be pretty unlucky for me if someone I knew came across this blog and think "Hmm... Doesn't this look like ******???" and no I wouldn't want that. I'm pretty happy with only having two readers who I actually know in real life.

I find it quite funny that I used to look forward to go to uni so much but now I'd rather stay at home or go buy a new book and read it in a restaurant while having my lunch. That to me sounds like heaven now.

Also, we're going to have a gathering for Malaysians in Milan and Al was invited but he can't go because he's going to France (according to a self-translation minus Google and a dictionary) so I did feel a bit down but not too much. He'll probably not go for the beach gathering either hahahaha.

And another funny thing, he was added to the Malaysians in Italy group despite being an Italian. No, I'm not being racist and close-minded, it's just a bit funny although not a 'HA-HA-HA' kind of funny. The rest of the other guys weren't added though. :|

One thing that made me interested in him is the fact that he's a Capricorn, just like me, so I wondered whether or not we shared the same qualities.

If I'm not reading too much into it (which I always do), he is a bit like me but unlike him who's probably just a genuine smiley person who is really friendly, I have to keep an act up so that people won't think I'm arrogant just cause I don't smile a lot.

Okay. I really need to get back to work. I wasted a good 17 minutes on this hahahaha.

Exhaustion

So for the past few days I've only been getting around 4 hours of sleep or so in order to complete my assignments so as soon as I reached my dorm today, I conked out for 3 hours and I will go back to sleeping soon haha.

Prince didn't come for the morning lecture and I will be guessing that he won't attend that class for the rest of the semester haha. He came for the afternoon class and surprisingly he wasn't late this time.

At first he went to his friend's row (which was right in front of my friends and I) but they were slow to react so in the end he sat in front.

On a different note, I couldn't really focus my attention as I was too tired to understand much and I did my best to take down whatever I could decipher and understand.

During the break time I went out of class and I noticed all the smokers going to the open area and I wondered if he smokes as well but I passed by him in the hallway on my way back to class so I take it that he doesn't.

I remained in the hall for the rest of the break and Yu tried to teach me the correct ways to pronounce Chinese words. I felt that Isa was a bit left out and I tried to include her in but somehow she didn't really try to. Prince came up to his friend's place and he stood near me haha but I was too tired to pay attention to both him and Yu so I just continued talking with Yu.

Then, I saw him collect his things and he came up to the row and sat there and at that point Yu and I were getting hysterical over my pronunciation and he turned to look at me and that I was pretty sure of. 

But then again, I always become a bit more hyper when he's around haha.

I realised that people who like interacting with others will tend to look at someone when someone is talking so I know that at least he knows my existence and that it won't be much of a problem to begin speaking with him.

Wow. It's 2.00 am already. o.o

Okay, continuing on.

Well... there isn't much anyway. Just that when I lingered back a bit, he kind of did the same but I went out earlier than him in the end.

I'm just pleased cause even though he skips some classes, I know that he is actually a bright person. If he likes a subject then he will attend that particular class. He asked a lot of questions today haha.

Okay then, good night. :)

A compliment

Wow, it's been a really long time since I last posted anything here!

I guess you can say that I have moved on from Law. I mean, he's a really nice guy and I might still have feelings for him but I understand that he likes someone else and that I can't do anything about that.

In the past month, I've passed a really important exam and so now I'm studying in a university in Italy and things are going pretty great. :)

Initially, I thought I wouldn't be able to make friends but I'm slowly becoming someone who isn't afraid to speak, especially with guys haha. :D

Although I still like and prefer Asians more than those who aren't, I still get a good share of eye-candy everyday. :)

One guy (who has a girlfriend already, sadly  XD ) I find interesting because he's really nice and when I cut my hair today and gave myself some bangs, he was the only who complimented me and said I looked great.  :D

That was, I think, the first compliment I have ever got from a guy regarding my appearance.

Another guy I haven't seen in a week since he was spending time with his family before his family went travelling and he'll be coming back in two days. Hopefully, he'll think I look pretty. :)

I cooked noodles for my friends and they loved it so I am just happy cause I love to cook for people. :D

I've seen loads of Asians but only some are hot, sadly.

And yes, I like looking at the eye-candy but I think that Law has changed me. And I still don't know if it's for the better or for the worse.

I no longer get butterflies in my stomach and even though my heart wants to get those feelings, my mind puts my heart down so much it doesn't dare to.

All I'm capable of now is to have one-sided crushes and daydreams, mainly about Joseph Gordon-Levitt. XD

I'd love to meet him one day and talk with him!

My roomie, on the other hand, has someone obviously head-over-heels in love with her but she's friend-zoning him since he's leaving for France next month and so she said it's no use. :( I feel sad for him.

And I guess that's all for now. No one interesting yet.

I'm just happy that I have friends at the moment. :)

After a month

Hey there. :)

I haven't posted anything up in a month and it's not like I'm not experiencing any love-ish related subjects but because, well partly, I've been busy studying and getting ready to go to Milan, Italy to sit for my entrance exams there for a university and well, I need to work hard.

The other reason is, well, I've been trying to distract myself from Law. Like really.

I tried to look at other guys and I must admit, I make myself get really high and all but that feeling is only for a moment, nothing that I've experienced when I liked Law.

So...

I didn't even dare to look at his Facebook page after the last time that I texted him.

And I just went to look at it a few moments ago cause I thought I was brave enough for, I don't know, anything that'll disappoint me cause, I mean, it's already been a month, it should be okay right?

The first thing I saw was a couple of status updates and I was all cool and okay.

And then, I saw him taking a picture with Ivy and I just know that they are together already.

I won't go into much detail but let's just say that she's part of his group already.

And even though it's been more than a month, my heart still beat fast and I was really disappointed.

I felt upset. Crestfallen. Sad. Whatever other sad word that you can put in here.


And wow my song player just had to give me a sad song right now haha.

The song is called "Kissしたまま、さよなら" by 東方神起 (Tohoshinki). I love this song, really.


Anyway, whenever I tried to look at another guy or whenever I was a within a close proximity with any of them, my heart never did beat hard for them and I did not get whatsoever butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, I got high when I was near them, but not for the reasons that I got high whenever I was near Law.


I found out someone liked me, even during the time when I was like super ugly, and yes, that's flattering but I just can't seem to like him. Interested is probably as close as I can get to right now.

I tried liking this guy, whom June penned "Broccoli" but whom I shall coin Victor, and yes he's sweet and all and he and I actually talk but I know he isn't interested in any relationship at the moment cause he wants to concentrate on his studies and all and I also don't feel anything much for him.


And wow again, my song player is now playing 東方神起's With All My Heart which is a sad song as well.


Anyway, I just can't seem to forget him that easily. Just like Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines haha. 

Never thought I could really relate to that poem but hey ho I just did!

I keep thinking about that photo of him and Ivy but I will do my best to forget it.


And so, I also found another distraction, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I've had a crush on him ever since I saw him in 500 Days of Summer and I watched him in Inception as well but I just started to admire him even more in The Dark Knight Rises.

He owns this company called hitRECord which I intend to join once I'm partly satisfied with my skills and when I have the time to.

I'm actually supposed to be studying now... but Law just set me off.

Anyway, this "regular Joe" inspires me to be myself and to become better and I really hope that I'll get to meet him one day and impress him. :)


There was something that I wanted to say but I forgot haha. Never mind.

But I plan on posting a post about every single text between Law and I before I leave and I know I still like him cause even though I just got a smartphone (woohoo for me), I still cherish my old Sony Ericsson. I still can't bring myself to delete the texts.

And I just remembered what I wanted to say.

I'm now more afraid and cautious when I try to like someone and now, more than ever, I feel so discouraged to like any guy cause I feel like I don't deserve anyone or that I don't deserve to be liked by anyone.

Not like I'm going to turn into a lesbian but I now am leaning more to one sided crushes (i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lee Jong Hyun) cause it's safer cause I won't be anywhere near them embarrassing myself and not making any weird moves to get closer to them.


And that's about it for now I guess. I'm still going to update from time to time and I will definitely be more of myself haha.

It'll really take some time for me to heal but hopefully, I will.