A wave

Don't be sad that it has past.

Be happy that it actually happened.

But human nature causes us to want even more and now I'm sorry that I wasn't a more avid fan.

I pray that I will get another chance in the future.

In a sea of people

He didn't attend the lecture today which makes me feel partially relieved but now I do think the friendship between him and I as well as with Carl is quite strained and I need to fix that. I don't like having any strained relationships with anyone.

I like going for classes because then I'm not alone with my thoughts and at the very least I can pretend to be okay in front of people.

I told Rosa today and she said she felt sad for me. Talking with her made me feel a bit more better.

Here comes those 'if only's, running through my mind.

But I won't type them out, don't worry.

I hope things will go okay tomorrow. At the very least, I don't want any awkward silences. Let's see if I can play a puppet again tomorrow. A cheerful one that is.

Attached

I guess I really have no idea how much I like him. In fact, I still don't even want to type out the word "liked" instead of "like".

I got a dream of him last night and yet again, it just revolved around the both of us talking like we were really good friends and it felt really comfortable talking with him and yes, as wrong as this sounds, it felt really right that we were talking.

Can I be extremely, tremendously selfish for once and wish that he would like me?

No, I can't. The guilty feeling that I get after wishing for that is too heavy to bear.

I mean, his girlfriend must really like him and he must really treasure her as well. I can't go about ruining two other people's happiness for the sake of my own.

I actually felt quite okay last night about not being able to have gotten closer with Prince in the past months but whoosh here comes those feelings of regret again.

"Why?"

There're too many 'why's in my head now and I'd really like to drown them all out but it's really hard.

It got so bad this morning that there was a point where I really felt like I was about to cry.

"If only."

There're too many of those too. I keep thinking about the quote I read yesterday by Albert Einstein "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" which goes to say that the next time I am attracted to someone, I actually have to do some action, a different one from the ones I did before.

I think it took me roughly 3 months to get over Law but that was easy to do I guess since I hardly saw him throughout the time I liked him, I hardly talked with him, and he wasn't in college anymore when I started to become more obvious. This time, I have no idea how long I will keep this feeling in me before I feel it's okay to let go.

I really don't want to do anything productive now.

I still wonder if whether or not he was ever interested in me. I regret not sitting next to him during the Elements of Architecture exam but everything happens for a reason so I must just continue to look forward as often as I can.

Confirmed

Yesterday when Yu and I were making our model in the laboratory, Prince and Carl walked in and at first they tried to look for another place to sit but since only Yu and I's table were free, they had to settle there. Prince sat closest to me but I wasn't there most of the time anyway.

We only talked a bit at the end, like regular classmates, but he looked like he wanted to say something to me as he was leaving.

I have no idea whether or not he hates me for liking him but to be sure, I know for sure that he has a girlfriend.

When Carl came over to me today and started to talk with me, I asked where Prince was.

"Oh, he went to Torino."
"For what?"
"Oh we went to Torino with his girlfriend."

There you go.

Tia overheard the conversation and she tried to console me as much as she could even though she was so tired as she didn't sleep yesterday due to our assignment (the deadline was thankfully pushed to this coming Tuesday).

I have no idea what I'm doing now.

Now that I don't have much to occupy my time with, I am more aware of this fact more than ever.

If only I freaking had the courage to talk with him last year or even earlier on this year since he just got together with her or something like that.

Oh gosh why. Why why why why why don't I learn from my past mistakes?????????????

At this moment I am having an emotional war between my rational and sensible side (there are other guys in this world) and my crazy and stupid side (WHY WAS I SO STUPID TO NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH HIM LAST YEAR????)

Okay, I really can't afford to rant everything out here and neither can I produce any tears now. They're all just in one big heap of a mixture inside me and I feel like I have temporarily lost any motivation and hope to live.

I will come around soon, hopefully.

I guess for now I just need to find something to distract me.

And I guess it's too late to say this but Prince, I like you.

Something you will regret 20 years later

Today was their graduation day and I was a bit scared on the prospect of even seeing him.


So, I reached the venue a bit late and all my committee members were in a blur cause they had no idea what to do so I asked them to wait for awhile whilst I went to get our teacher advisor since we were the Procession Committee.


I actually saw him just a few minutes after I reached there but I didn't dare to approach him.


Anyway, I was calling one of my members when I realised that my member was behind him and when I started yelling, he turned to look at me but then I pretended that I didn't notice.


I passed him by so many times before and during the ceremony.


After the ceremony though, I did my best to avoid meeting him but then again, almost everywhere I went, he seemed to be there as well.


We also took a group photo together for the Election Board. This time though, I didn't get to stand next to him.


But, the most important part of today was when Ms Dee suddenly approached me and I somehow knew why.


It was because she wanted to know if anything happened between Law and I and then I began talking to her.


She then asked me to go and say "congratulations" to him and then confess to him but I was mortified at the very idea of even approaching him.


I said I'd do it, although at that time, I didn't want to.


But then, I remembered the speech that Susie gave today whereby she quoted Mark Twain which went about almost like this: 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. 

Explore. Dream. Discover.

And so I did the bravest thing I have done yet in my life.

I hung about for 10 minutes, trying to look busy, waiting for an opportunity to walk up to him and congratulate him cause he was standing with Angel and some more other friends.

Finally, I couldn't wait any longer so I went over to one of the seniors and congratulated him and shook his hand.

Then I went up to Law.

Me: Law! *He turns around to face me* Congratulations!

Then, we shook hands.

Law: Haha, thank you! Good luck!

Me: For what?

Law: In your future career.

And then I grinned, turn around and walked out as calmly as I could before bursting into squeals.

I had to go early cause I didn't know if my sisters were waiting for me or not.

Naturally, I felt quite happy that we are indeed slightly more than just acquaintances because of that event and I felt really happy throughout the rest of the day.

His hand is really soft.

It's like he's really a girl. XD

I went of early cause my sisters and I planned to celebrate my brother's birthday but then, Summer had a study date or something at Sutera Harbour and so we couldn't fulfill the plan.

Skye and Rainie didn't and still doesn't like what she did since we planned this since last Friday.

But, I must thank Summer for doing that cause if that hadn't happened, the next event wouldn't have happened.

After going to church, my siblings and I went to Citymall to carry out our plan to surprise him.

I was supposed to be on the pretext of buying CCs for Dragon Nest (which are actually for him) and that my brother would help me find them while my other three siblings went to get a boutique cupcake or an ice-cream cake.

So I followed behind him as we walked into the store.

And then I went back out 3 seconds later, literally.

As soon as I turned to my left to go into the shop, I saw Law standing there.

He was wearing his Leadership Camp blue pajamas that he walked about in for almost a day and leafing through the assortment of game discs.

Later on, my brother, Kai, told me that my as soon as I saw Law, my whole face turned red.

Anyway, continuing on, I rushed to my sisters to tell them that Law was there and then they kept egging me on to go and talk to him and I kept refusing.

Then, Summer went into the shop and stood next to him (according to Rainie) and then they forced me to go in but as we were about to make the commotion even worse, he suddenly walked out and he saw me just as Rainie and Skye said "GO TALK TO HIM!"

After that, the three of them left me and Kai alone so we went around looking for the CC cards.

And then, I just decided to send him a text saying that I was sorry and if I made the situation awkward.

He replied back, very surprisingly and I was really happy and shocked.

I was muttering away the whole time with Kai and looking like a crazy human when my message tone rang.

He said that it was okay and then he produced a different subject so I took that as a sign that it was okay for me to text with him.

We sent quite a few back and forth before he stopped replying.

In one of them, I asked if he read the messages, and he did.

He didn't seem to have a problem with my message and I feel good.

Also, while I was texting with him, Skye said that they saw him eating steamboat with his parents so I was texting with him while he eating.

But, he never did mention in his texts that he was eating so I feel kind of good because I know that at least I rank together with food and that he didn't really mind texting me. He was very nice cause he actually replied.

He actually went out of the way from eating to text me. :)

My sisters were initially screwing me for not talking with him but when they found out that I was texting with him, they became a bit more quiet.

I feel so blessed that God gave me this beautiful opportunity.

I really hope that I will talk with him even more tomorrow.

One of these days, I'll post up a blog post containing all the texts we've sent each other back and forth.

Must go to sleep now. :)

Thank you God for this beautiful, amazing and surprising blessing.

The Grin

Okay.


Let me go through this chronologically and I hope that I'll get to remember every single detail as tired as I am right now.


During the second break, Law had to take his class photo wearing an office outfit and somehow, I really wanted to see him in that kind of outfit because, that was kind of what he wore when I first met him at the Mooting competition last year.


So as I was going down the stairs to the ground floor, I saw that he was standing in front of the staircase, talking with his friends and so I looked at him.


And then, he looked at me as well.


And as usual, I averted my eyes but when I looked back at him, he was looking elsewhere so I just took a deep breath and continued walking towards the canteen.


Then, I chose a seat where I could see him from the canteen and then Elva and Jean joined me.


Then, June came up to me and said "You guys should come and sit over here where Anne (another friend of mine who knows about Law) is. She's alone."


I must tell you, I was torn between remaining at my seat and sitting with Anne and June but then I remembered what Barney said and I quote "Bros before hoes" so I got up and dragged Jean with me to sit with Anne and June.


We made small talk after that but we kind of focused on eating lunch.


Then, I saw Law pass by and he sat at a table two tables away in front of me with his back facing me cause he was talking with his friends.


When I looked away to my left, I saw Susie (one of my seniors who took care of my group during the Leadership Camp) and then I got all happy and stood up, clutching Catching Fire in my hands.

Me: Susie! *She turned around and looked at me* Here you go!

Susie: Oh! Thank you so much!

Me: Your welcome! I'm so sorry I had it for such a long time and I only gave it to you now.

Susie: Oh, it's okay.

Me: I 'll give you Mockingjay as soon as I finish reading it and I'm very close to finishing it already.

Susie: Oh, thank you!

Jean: Oh, you like Hunger Games as well?

Susie: Yes.

Me: Are you going to go watch it this Thursday? I think the weekends are probably fully booked already.

Jean: Thursday's the premier right?

Me: Ya, but I only got us the third show at 6.10 pm.

Susie: Oh, I'm going to watch it on Friday.

And somehow, it got a bit awkward cause I was talking with Susie and Jean was kind of interrupting our conversation so in order to not make it awkward I said "Bye" to Susie in a happy voice and she smiled back before walking away.

To Law's table.

I have no idea why I was just staring at her from the moment she walked away but when she sat down beside Law and started talking about stuff, it took me a full minute to realise she was talking with him.

And that he was holding Catching Fire with his two hands.

I think she handed it to him before she sat down and began talking with him.

And I also have no idea why, but, I just kept on looking at the both of them talking and smiling and laughing.

And that was when the unexpected happen.

Law did a full 180 degree turn to face behind him and then he looked at me.

And he gave me a huge grin.

It took my brain a long time to process this thought and I'm still not sure what emotion was portrayed on my face when that happened (most probably shock).

But the next thing I knew, I bent my head down and I sought for the shelter of the crook of my arm.

And I was blushing.

Since I'm not really fair or anything, when I blush, it's not really that obvious but when I finally looked up (the head bending thing probably lasted for only 5 seconds but it felt like hours), my cheeks were feeling hot.

I know that I wasn't dreaming because June and Anne were there.

The minute he grinned at me, both of them said "OMG BETH HE'S SMILING AT YOU."

And then they both proceeded to console me by saying that he indeed looked at me and smiled at me.

I knew my blush was serious because June said to me "OMG BETH YOU'RE BLUSHING!!!" and when I reached up to touch my cheeks, they were extremely hot. 

My whole face was hot.

And they remained hot all the way till school ended.

Now when I touch my cheeks, I'm wondering, how the hell did they get so freaking hot?!

Law turned to face the front after that and began reading the book by opening the pages slightly and he continued to hold it when Susie went to buy her food up till the moment Susie returned with her food.

Anyway, when Law got up to leave and passed by me, I realised that I needed to find Angel to give her her invitation to the party on Saturday so I got up and after sending my plates to the basin, June and I began to walk to the main entrance.

I thought that Law would be way ahead of me by then but there he was, right in front of me as we were climbing up the stairs.

He got off at the third floor with his friends though while June and I continued to go up but I somehow felt like I was being watched but I didn't dare to look down.

And that's that.

I can't believe I acted so stupidly like a huge fool in front of him.

I should've smiled back at him, give him two thumbs up (which is what I normally do) and then I should have tried to strike up a conversation with him regarding Catching Fire.

That book now has his essence all over it. XD

But in a way, I was being me but I just hope that he doesn't think I'm rude.

Because there are two possible things that he might have thought of then.

A] He thought I was rude and weird.

B] He knows I like him.

I was clutching my face and head so much that another one of my seniors (let's call her Blair) had to ask me if I was under stress or something. So I told her about what happened in a summarised form but I left out his name.

Then she said, "Why don't you just say "Hi!" the next time you see him?" to which I responded by saying "He-He's a scary guy."

And then I turned around and fled.

Okay, I'll just stop here for now cause it's almost 12.30 am and I'm getting my SPM results in 10 hours and I need to look presentable at least.

I hope that I'll get another chance like this and I pray that I won't be stupid then.

His smile really made my day and just thinking about what happened makes me super happy. :)


PS. I actually really wanted to give Susie the book yesterday but looks like it was a good thing I didn't. God had different plans for me. My lecturers told me that I will be awarded with happiness while we were attending morning prayer. Looks like it came true! :)


Also, June said I look a bit like Ivy. Whaaaaaaat?

I don't want to regret

I am praying, seriously praying, that Law will stayback tomorrow and that we'll get the chance to talk cause it'll be the second last day for us to work with each other.


When I re-read that sentence, my heart just dropped. Twice.


I don't know when I'll ever get to approach him again and be able to get the chance to talk to him.


Today, I only got to see him at the end of the first break since I had my back turned to him and I had to finish typing the minutes for the club meeting we had earlier on during the first break.


And even then, we were walking up the stairs so I couldn't exactly always look up to look at him.


I'm praying for a chance to be able to talk to him tomorrow.


Please.


I won't waste any chance that I can get ever again.


Thinking back to last Thursday and all the chances I had, I feel so stupid for having let them pass by me just like that.


I can't tell you how many times I've palm-faced myself because I regret not having taken the first step in making a conversation with him.


I fail as a girl.


But I'll go into that subject another time.


Please, please, please let Law and I talk with each other tomorrow and for all the other days after that.


PS. Here are my "fortunes" for tomorrow.


Judgment - Resurrection (Orthotopic) Fortune - Love This period of time, you two will find ways to love from previous mistakes. You will reunite with your former lovers. For singles, your love will be blessed by the love messenger and create a miracle of love. You will have great luck.


I'm really praying that that's true.


The Sun: Prosperity in relationships and career is possible now. Sun God present and shining down upon you. A good time to plant new crops or begin new projects from the ground up. Negativity of Moon's influences gone and cycle can begin anew. Truth and revelation. Good health, recovery and happiness. Time out in the sun is called for, perhaps a vacation to a warm place is warranted. All things bright and out in the open.

I don't understand myself sometimes

So first I'll just tell a bit about what happened to myself in general before I go on to talking about Law.


I was asked by one of my seniors if I was interested in becoming the Graduation Chairperson and I really didn't expect  that I'd get asked with that question.


My heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was lightheaded but I managed to calm down and asked if I could confirm with him tomorrow cause my parents aren't really that excited about me being very involved in extra-curricular activities.


But, I managed to convince them just now and now because of that, I feel like I need to study even harder for my parents so that I'll get good results for my A-Levels.


I will not disappoint them.


Okay, now about Law. :)


I didn't get to see him during the Fixed Campaign but during the Election Board meeting I saw him for a bit but of course I did my best to not stare at him.


When I got back to the lecture hall, for some unknown reason, my group mates were discussing about him and I wanted to join in but I just knew I'd end up embarrassing myself so I didn't.


I told one of my newly made friends that I liked Law and she said that she knew another person who admired him but according to her "My friend only thinks he's pretty and cute. XD"


=-=;


A lot of people say he's pretty but I don't think so.


He's hot.


Reminds me, I finally told Elva that I liked Law.


I got around to telling her cause she said she was interested in some people also. Law included.


But, she said that she only admired him and that it's obvious that what I'm feeling for Law is more deeper than her interest in him.


And then when she asked me why I liked him, I couldn't really point out any reason.


I mean, I know why I like him but I can't express them using words.


So I ended up saying "Because.... he's hot."


And then I screamed the place down cause I've never ever ever called any real guy that I liked "hot". X|


Okay, back to Law now.


I kind of expected that he wouldn't stayback today because he didn't yesterday but he did and I was quite happy that I'd get to work with him because tomorrow, I won't be able to work with him at all.


That part got me down a bit but then I just told myself to be patient.


Anyway, we started to carry tables to and fro different halls and there was one part where I was waiting for people to enter the hall before I could exit the hall whilst I carried two tables when Law suddenly said "Let the people carrying the tables pass through first."


At least he was kind enough to help me. :)


After that, I tried to keep my distance away from him so as to not distract myself too much but I noticed that while he was distributing stationary, he approached my station first before he gradually went away.


And then, when our leader asked some people to go to the other hall to help with the preparation, I went ahead and I didn't expect that he'd come as well.


He was with some friends and they were all joking with each other and laughing their heads off and I couldn't join them as much as I wanted to so I started to do my work.


I was alone at first but then one of the seniors came over to help me so I practiced talking to people older than me   and I'm happy  to say that our conversation went quite well although slightly awkward. At least both of us tried to keep the conversation alive. :)


When we were "finished", they began joking over the newspaper articles and there was one part when he came over to where I was and I think that he was "talking" to me (or rather, the other guys around us) and he said "A youth group? You mean like a church thing?" and then it got slightly silent and I was about to say something but then that moment passed.


There was one part when we were about to clean up and I was picking up newspapers that I think that he noticed me doing the tidying up.


He said something like "You okay? Do you need help-?" and he was about to come over and help me when one of my peers stepped in to help me. =-=;


SO CLOSE.


Another part was when I was beginning to wrap more tables and initially I was alone but then one of my seniors came over to help me and I noticed that Law also wanted to help but he hovered around awkwardly before going back to sit down.


WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I INVITE HIM???!!!!!!!


I regret that part A LOT.


After that, I just tried to act normally and talked with the other senior and I noticed that Law was always quite close by.


But there was one occasion when we almost bumped into each other and for some unknown reason, I felt a tense atmosphere between the both of us.


He used a different car today. I think it's his dad's one. All my seniors and him went to eat dinner together after that.  =-=;  So lucky!


Am I thinking too much?


Were all of those events just coincidences?


I really really really hope that I'll at least get to talk to him for a bit tomorrow cause tomorrow is kind of like my last chance to ever work with him in any way.


I MUST NOT HOLD BACK AND JUST GO FOR IT.


If not, who knows when my next chance will be?


I remember when Elva asked me how much I liked him (before she found out who Law was) I answered "I like him so much that if I don't see him at all for one day at school, I'll get really depressed."


As sappy as that sounds like, it's true.


Please please please let tomorrow be magical and miraculous for the both of us.