The life goal

You know, all my life up till today, I could never figure out what my goal in life really is.

It finally dawned on me during the class field trip that we had today.

I never did get to ask Prince whether he wanted to team up together with me or not because I'm just a terrible coward. I asked Tia instead, before Carl could ask me, and I could see that he wanted to.

Oh, I told Tia about this blog as well. Funny how I thought I'd never be able to tell anyone else apart from June and Helen about this blog. Not even Yu knows the existence of this blog.

Anyway, during some parts of the trip, I stole some glances at Prince and it felt like he knew I was looking at him so I did cut back a lot on trying to be near him and all of that.

And even though I said that I no longer have strong feelings for him, I'm starting to doubt that certainty a bit now.

It's not as though I think about him a lot anymore these days compared to the previous months and it's not as though I try to talk to him a lot and try to be closer with him but I can feel that somewhere inside me there's still a part that's holding onto the feeling of like that I have for him.

I know that he isn't a perfect guy. He likes to waste his time and he isn't really disciplined either but the way how he gets really absorbed into architecture is kind of the reason that makes me like him. I guess this is also the reason why I still haven't been able to make any move towards Al, because I still hold unresolved feelings for Prince.

For all I know, this feeling that I have for him will last for months more, or even years.

As if I'd stand a real chance, I know.

Then all of this made me realise that goal that I've wanted to achieve; a really shallow goal that is extremely selfish.

I want to be in an amazingly wonderful relationship.

No, it doesn't need to be rose-tinted. It doesn't need to be all roses and chocolates. It doesn't need to be about fancy dinners and materialistic gifts. It doesn't need to be dates at amusement parks and strolls by the beach.

Just a relationship with a guy where the both of us can be totally free to express ourselves. Where we can talk for hours without ever getting tired of each other's voice. Where we can fight and make mistakes but learn more from the bitterness and become closer. Where we can't wait to be together.

And somehow, my sick and irrational mind thinks that I can achieve that if I was to be with Prince.

Seriously, brain, what is wrong with you??? He freaking has a girlfriend already, do you really want to have a one-sided feeling for a guy? Can't you see that it'll only be a burden to him? You barely know this guy.

Thus, I feel like not liking anyone at the moment, if that makes any sense at all. I'm just tired of this, liking someone but never having my feelings reciprocated.

For my siblings, whomever that they are interested in, almost always the other person also likes them. Amazing huh?

But because I don't feel like liking anyone at the moment, it makes me unable to feel really happy, to live life to the fullest.

Because I lost a goal to reach.

For now I'm feeding off energy from romance mangas. I think the reason why I want to be a mangaka is to be able to create delusional worlds for myself. This is just sad hahaha.

Maybe I'm not even sure of my own feelings for Prince.

Regardless, I hope that I'll be able to find a real purpose to live.

So easily

As fired up as I was today to talk with him, he didn't come for the class so I felt like all the energy from my body depleted to a very minimum level (especially since I only got 3 hours of sleep last night).

At this point, at this moment, I start to doubt whether or not I'll get the courage to talk with him the next time I see him. I really do hope I will and that things will be smooth sailing after that.

And also I'm really being a mean person now to Carl. Well, I'm mean but I'm still being polite because I don't want him to like me. Really.

Like today, at first I was talking with some friends regarding me and Yu's project and because that is kind of his circle as well, he walked over so fast and began talking with him but my lack of sleep made me feel very uncomfortable so I couldn't act very friendly and I avoided his gaze a lot.

Why does this always happen to me? Why can't the guy I'm interested in be interested in me for once?

Okay, I'm seriously procrastinating on work now so I've got to get moving.

P.S. I feel like reading back all my posts about Prince. Maybe I'll do that to stay awake as I draw. Hopefully I can finish it all by tomorrow.

It's half and half

I'm slightly disappointed that I didn't get chosen as the Graduation Chairperson but I'm sure that there's a good reason that God didn't want that to happen to me.


I didn't get to see Law today which, in a way, was a relief cause I'm pretty sure I made a complete fool of myself in front of a lot of people.


More people know about Law now.


I hope this doesn't spread.


I was feeling a little sad just now about whether or not I should still continue to like him.


But, at this stage where I am right now, I constantly think about him even though the subject matter right in front of me doesn't really connect with him.


Somehow, he'll just appear in my mind.


I'm sure that I've been thinking too much over the past few days so now I must try to control my thoughts.


I can't let them get to me.


I've been using this "Love Prediction" application on Facebook and I always get amused by the things they come up with.


Today's one is "Next weekend you'll be pleasantly surprised by your admirer."


I've been getting a lot of predictions regarding my "admirer"s and I'm highly amused by all of them.


I should post them up in here whenever they get too amusing.


I must sleep now. I've got to wake up early for church tomorrow.

Honestly thinking...

Up until I got my first follower, I really really thought that I was just talking and crapping and ranting to myself since if I did all those stuff to my siblings, they'd all get bored with my rantings about Law.


Example: Last night, I told my sisters that Law is so effing cute cause he doesn't curse and they all just went "Meh." =-=;


The other day, I chatted with June via Facebook and she and I ranted to each other about Law and her guy (whom I shall call Sam).


The following is a snippet of our conversation. (Please don't mind our English grammar. We were just ranting and our Malaysian slang came out XD)

June: ... Law is cute for you XD

Me: Why you say that???????

June: Hahahaha IDK but ngam (he is suitable for) you la.

Eh, he's shorter than you right?

And then I kept on denying my height. But I think that it's kind of true.

But I'm praying that it's not true.

But, when I searched for the average height for Malaysians just now I discovered that the average height for a Malaysian woman is 153.3cm while for a Malaysian man it's 164.5cm.

I am freaking 163cm.

I used to want to be 165cm because that's the height that Lee Jong Hyun wants his girlfriend to be. :)

But now it's like a curse.

I remember once a conversation between one of my elder twin sister (Sky).

Me: I hope I'll be able to grow tall until 165cm.

Sky: Ei, don't la. Being tall is a curse. There aren't that many guys here who are tall.

You'll be sorry when you realise you're taller than the guy you like.

So true. So effing true.

Reminds me, during badminton practice today, I almost cursed cause I sucked so badly.

I was like "PHAAAAAAA~!" which sounds almost similar to "FUUUUUUUU~!" and one of the guy seniors looked at me weirdly.

I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to do that! I'm really trying to be a female after years of not being one!

Must be the 9GAG influence!

But right now, somehow, I really am doubting that I'll ever be in a love kind of relationship with any guy.

We'd probably end up as friends or something.

Cause I think I'm more a guy than a girl so most probably they'll think of me as a guy.

That doesn't mean I'm turning to girls now.

Going to sleep soon with these thoughts in my head. I need to wake up early for driving class tomorrow.