Hanging

It's already bad enough that I have to give up on Prince because he has a girlfriend.

I really don't need him to make it worse for me, even though it's highly unintentional.

There I was with Tia, about to go to our project's site to do another thorough survey, when Carl and Prince suddenly appeared in front of us.

Naturally I felt a bit happy that Prince was there but Carl kind of spoilt it in a way.

Carl kept talking to me and by habit I gave eye contact and I just talked with him normally, if not almost without a care.

I'm glad that Prince said a few more words than usual and he spoke a bit more louder. It seems as though we could become friends with Carl being our only link sadly.

And then while Carl was still talking, Prince said that he needed to go away to do something and almost immediately Carl got up and followed him. And up until then, I thought that they were just being friendly and I thought that Carl already gave up on me.

Oh gosh why. Why why why why why???

Why can't it happen that the guy I like actually likes me and not some other kid that I have no interest in at all?????

They didn't even bother to talk to Tia which is quite rude but it shows that they actually wanted to approach me, even if it was for the wrong reasons.

Never mind. I'll just wait for someone that I find interesting to me to come along.

All the way home

And no, I don't mean it in the sexual way hahahaha.

I honestly, honestly thought that today would be a very bad day. Why? I only got two hours or so of sleep and I didn't have much for breakfast.

When I got to class, the professor wasn't there (she came late, typical Italian timing) and by the time I got in line so that she could check my work, I was number 12 and I wanted to finish early so that I could go back home fast and sleep.

Well, guess what?

I gave up my 12th spot to another for the 19th and again from the 19th to the 24th. Why? Because I rather see myself suffer than see others in torture, especially if they have better things to do than me.

But I actually felt less depressed and much better after doing those small tiny acts of kindness. I even gave a homeless woman some coins because I'm sure she's way more hungry than I am. It felt good to give back to the world.

Also, I talked with both Tia and Rosa today (on separate occasions that is) about Prince and they both thought that he wasn't pissed off with me, just that he was in a bad mood. Tia even went so far as to think that he's interested in me and he's in a conflict with a girl or with Carl about me and yes, that would be a fantasy but I highly doubt it. It really made me feel better to talk about these things with someone, although I was positively blushing the whole time. I can't believe that I can blush so easily these days. I never could when I was a child and oh how my younger self wished she could and now she can. You happy now?

But anyway, how does all of this relate to Prince?

First off, he came only in the afternoon and I didn't want to believe it at first (since I got such a short glimpse of him) but I know that I can't mistake him for another person. He confirmed his presence for me though, by writing his name on the blackboard.

I have a feeling that he kind of overheard my conversation with either Tia or Rosa but I also doubt it since we were talking in low voices in front of the class while he was sitting at the back.

After my turn, I just knew I wanted to talk and apologise to him. It's because I watched a YouTube video last night, a motivational one, about how we can make ourselves better by thinking "How do I make today the best day of my life?" so I was eager to try it out.

Besides, my lack of sleep prevents any rational thinking so it was the perfect time despite the rising fear in my heart.

I actually had two choices.

1. To exit through his side (since he was sitting next to the main door).
2. To exit through the back door. Which has Carl. Who suddenly came back. After having finished his turn 2 hours ago. =-=;

Naturally I actually wanted to avoid Prince's door but thanks to Carl, I chose option 1. Luckily.

So I was opening the door, carrying a heck load of things with me, thinking that Prince would probably not notice me but he actually stopped to look at me and my insane amount of baggage for awhile and I took that as a 'Go' sign to talk with him. And thus, I did.

I can't remember exactly how it went but I'm sure I opened it up with a "Prince, I'm really sorry about yesterday." and I probably added "I'm sure you were in a bad mood" and "I'm sorry for always annoying you" to that mixture as well to which he responded in mumbles of "No, no" and I think I even heard him say either "It was my fault" or "It's not your fault".

But what made me smile all the way home was the fact that the second I spoke to him, he grinned and his eyes were the same friendly looking eyes like last time.

It really seemed like the smile of an angel's and if I had been alone in the hallway, I tell you I would've cried in relief and joy.

Really.

I immediately felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders and I felt my face lighting up and I smiled back at him and the eye contact we made was magical again.

He had very positive body language as well; his whole upper part turning to face me as we talked.

I forgot to mention two things about the Switzerland trip.

While we sat side-by-side on the first night, he had a very open body language with me, sitting with his legs wide apart and him sinking in his seat so I know that he was comfortable sitting next to me.

Also, I had a really long dream about him that first night and I don't know about what. I had another dream about him last night as well but I don't know about what either.

But anyway, I am just super relieved and happy and glad and overjoyed that he grinned at me.

And I will stop here for today because I am tired and I think I will cook dinner now and then sleep and then wake up and take a shower before working. I really need to rest and I think my body clock is seriously out of whack now.

Thank you so much, God, for today. :)

So easily

As fired up as I was today to talk with him, he didn't come for the class so I felt like all the energy from my body depleted to a very minimum level (especially since I only got 3 hours of sleep last night).

At this point, at this moment, I start to doubt whether or not I'll get the courage to talk with him the next time I see him. I really do hope I will and that things will be smooth sailing after that.

And also I'm really being a mean person now to Carl. Well, I'm mean but I'm still being polite because I don't want him to like me. Really.

Like today, at first I was talking with some friends regarding me and Yu's project and because that is kind of his circle as well, he walked over so fast and began talking with him but my lack of sleep made me feel very uncomfortable so I couldn't act very friendly and I avoided his gaze a lot.

Why does this always happen to me? Why can't the guy I'm interested in be interested in me for once?

Okay, I'm seriously procrastinating on work now so I've got to get moving.

P.S. I feel like reading back all my posts about Prince. Maybe I'll do that to stay awake as I draw. Hopefully I can finish it all by tomorrow.

Despite it all

Well, something really small (very extremely tiny) happened today between me and Prince but I am currently stuck in a blue situation and even though I may not realise it, I am tired. But I will do some studying after this until hopefully 1 am and maybe I'll be able to at least study 3 lectures. Make notes of them that is.

Moving on to the real subject, the main purpose of this blog that is, I will now record the things about what happened today regarding Prince.

As you may well see, if you've been reading my posts all this while, he doesn't come much for lectures, only once or twice a week. And since today we were going to have Urban Planning, I knew for sure that he was going to attend class.

Yu, Isa and I sat at the back as usual but we chose the side that we didn't usually sit on, which is near the door, and I felt a bit sad because I kind of knew that Prince liked to sit at the seats located nearest to the door. And lo and behold, he did. Yu immediately gave me 'the look' but I managed just a smile because of this whole sadness thing.

He sat at the same row as the girl that I think likes him but he didn't sit near her and they didn't talk at all, from what I could see, so their friendship must have stretched out a bit. 

I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I asked a question in class, Prince (and a couple more of people) turned around immediately to look at me but I concentrated on looking at the lecturer. I can understand him being surprised if I never ask questions in class but he didn't look too surprised when other people began asking questions.

During break, while I was feeling even more down, he didn't leave the hall even once and started talking with his friend instead. A girl again haha. But he ended up sitting on our side of the class after break since that friend of his was sitting in front of us.

During the lecture, I got really really sleepy but I did my best to stay awake. On one of the times that I was conscious, I noticed that our lecturer showed us a map and somehow it seemed really familiar to me so I said to Yu in a small voice "Haven't we already seen that before?"

And when I said that, Prince turned around to look at me although no one else (not even Yu =-=)  did. I don't think my voice was that loud. Well, at least I hope so. At least I know he knows that I am present in that class as well.

Then when we were going back, I expected him to leave really early but instead he began talking with another guy (one of the few guys that I talk with haha). I wanted to hurry home so I rushed my things and said my good-byes to Yu and Isa.

At the same time that I was about to reach the door, Prince also stopped talking with his friend so when I went out, he was coming out too. So I pushed the door back a bit for him before I went off. I didn't even look at him haha. Why didn't he use the other door, I wonder. It was nearer to him.

When I was going down the stairs, I looked back, but he wasn't behind me so I just wore my earphones and set off.

I needed to withdraw cash so I had to cross the road and I wanted to take a short cut but it seemed really unladylike (cause I'd have to climb over two fences) so I began walking to the zebra crossing.

And that was when he suddenly walked past me and it somehow made me stop in my tracks and I found myself hoping that he needed to cross the street as well but it turned out that he didn't have to so we parted there. When I reached the other side of the road, I looked back and watched him walk away and I couldn't help thinking that he must've been cold because he wasn't wearing a jacket and I myself felt really really cold.

So that's about it for today.

I must really get on to studying now. :)

I pray that God will be able to help me now and guide me through these difficult times and hopefully I'll become more mature.

Exhaustion

So for the past few days I've only been getting around 4 hours of sleep or so in order to complete my assignments so as soon as I reached my dorm today, I conked out for 3 hours and I will go back to sleeping soon haha.

Prince didn't come for the morning lecture and I will be guessing that he won't attend that class for the rest of the semester haha. He came for the afternoon class and surprisingly he wasn't late this time.

At first he went to his friend's row (which was right in front of my friends and I) but they were slow to react so in the end he sat in front.

On a different note, I couldn't really focus my attention as I was too tired to understand much and I did my best to take down whatever I could decipher and understand.

During the break time I went out of class and I noticed all the smokers going to the open area and I wondered if he smokes as well but I passed by him in the hallway on my way back to class so I take it that he doesn't.

I remained in the hall for the rest of the break and Yu tried to teach me the correct ways to pronounce Chinese words. I felt that Isa was a bit left out and I tried to include her in but somehow she didn't really try to. Prince came up to his friend's place and he stood near me haha but I was too tired to pay attention to both him and Yu so I just continued talking with Yu.

Then, I saw him collect his things and he came up to the row and sat there and at that point Yu and I were getting hysterical over my pronunciation and he turned to look at me and that I was pretty sure of. 

But then again, I always become a bit more hyper when he's around haha.

I realised that people who like interacting with others will tend to look at someone when someone is talking so I know that at least he knows my existence and that it won't be much of a problem to begin speaking with him.

Wow. It's 2.00 am already. o.o

Okay, continuing on.

Well... there isn't much anyway. Just that when I lingered back a bit, he kind of did the same but I went out earlier than him in the end.

I'm just pleased cause even though he skips some classes, I know that he is actually a bright person. If he likes a subject then he will attend that particular class. He asked a lot of questions today haha.

Okay then, good night. :)

Somewhat neutral I think

Was late for class but I managed to get a seat cause my friends saved me a seat in the back row. Good thing is that Prince came for class (50 minutes late haha) and he sat behind me, sort of.

At first I was a bit nervous because in order to take my colour pens I had to turn to my left repeatedly (because I placed my pens on the desk next to mine) and I was scared that I'd try to catch a lot of glimpses of him but I got more comfortable towards the end and I could act more normally.

I kept on hoping that he sat behind because he wanted to be near me but I don't think so since one of his friends (the girl that I think likes him) sat in the same row.

I didn't talk with him because even though there could've been an opportunity, I couldn't see it as I was (and still am) too tired since I slept at 4 am last night and woke up at 9 am.

I did what I normally do whenever I'm around him, which is to talk a bit louder (=-=;) and become more giggly and all that but yeah, I just couldn't bring myself to talk with him.

Also, even though the lecture was better than usual (and actually understandable and easy) I really felt tired and I sighed a lot. He was also sighing a lot and in some weird way, I felt like we were communicating with each other. In my case though, I was sighing to try to initiate a conversation cause I'm too shy to approach him but yeah.

But what really concerns me is that he doesn't seem to really have a group of guys to hang out with. Like the guys avoid him on purpose or something.

And I don't know why but this attraction I have towards him is turning more into an interest into becoming his friend cause I want to know him. Like really know him.

For me, he is a really interesting person.

I felt like he was looking at me from time to time (naturally cause I was sitting in front of him) and I think he was also looking when one of my guy friends gave me a pen he bought because he lost the pen I borrowed to him.

I guess that's it for now.

I will do a bit of my work and sleep early tonight. I must not give in to this tiredness of mine!

PS. I forgot to add this bit haha. Most of the back row people were getting tired of the people asking irrelevant questions in front so when another question was asked, Prince said "What the f***" and I was a bit shocked cause he swore but nothing too surprising there (he's a guy after all) but what was a bit sad was that even though it was only audible to those around us, no one showed much reaction (as far as I know) even though he spoke English, meaning, he wanted someone to respond.

I'm thinking too much and I'm tired. Going to sleep now. Night.

This is a risk

Well, today was a very gossip filled day.


During lectures, I always sit next to June and another friend, Allie, and today, Allie told me a whole lot of gossip.


She said that she used to like a guy but then she lost interest in him but before that interest disappeared, a lot of people questioned her whether or not she liked him, including one of that guy's guy friend.


It's probably cause I was completely fixated on Law but I was completely oblivious to the fact that she liked this guy.


And I sit right next to her for heaven's sake!


I kind of knew she liked someone but I never figured out who.


But the main point here is that if her crush for the guy was so not obvious and people found out by themselves, what about my feelings for Law?


I didn't realise it but when Jean pointed it out to me during first break, I finally realised that Law must already know that I like him cause I am so obvious and rumours do get around very fast in school.


But still, he doesn't seem to mind it.


And I kind of think that he's interested... In me.


I was talking to Jean, Elva and Sasha about this topic (Law was sitting in front of me at 11 o'clock) and I couldn't help it. I started going crazy.


I always get crazy when I'm in front of him and when I get super nervous.


So I decided to go back up before he did (but he left before me anyway) but I had to see Angel to collect money for the party.


I thought that he'd be long gone by then so that I wouldn't bump into him.


But then, I saw him standing at the main stairs, looking at a bulletin board that was posted up so that anyone can write "Good Luck!" to our seniors and friends who'll be leaving this year.


He got only one post-it so far.


I passed by him with my head down and with hurried steps.


During the second break, I got held up in class a bit and I got really crazy then cause I really wanted to see him and not waste anymore time so by the time I came down, I was slightly disoriented.


I saw that Law was sitting at the table which was in front of the table I sat in during the first break so I picked a table that was a table away to his left before I went to find Helen, June and Elva.


The four of us just chatted and talked about random stuff and one by one, people left the cafeteria but he was still hanging around there.


I wonder if it's just in his nature to just stay back in the cafeteria so late or if there's some other reason.


He got up to leave before we did though cause we were busy laughing over food and how we trooped off to the counter to find it and buy it.


Then, Helen told me the Chuck Norris joke.

Helen: Beth! Listen to this Chuck Norris joke! It's so disgusting! (She was Twiting)

Me: Okay, what is it?

Helen: When Chuck Norris died, his sperm was preserved and made into a liquid now known as Red Bull.

Me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

And at that exact same moment that I said "EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!", Law passed by me and turned to look at me and I could've given him a reaction or something (cause he looked so shock) but I pretended to be so absorbed into Helen's joke.

Stupid fool.

Why am I like that?!

I had to go to his lecture hall again to collect money (and I must do that again tomorrow) and he was busy talking to his friends so I didn't even bother to do anything to try to get his attention.

A senior caught a glimpse of my white book filled with post-its about Law but then I grabbed them away from him.

Earlier on, I also asked Blair if she saw any folded up paper and she said no. Where are they???!!

A lot of people saw my white book already. =-=;

But I am done and am tired of waiting.

If he's not going to do anything, then I will.

I'm going to write him a post-it and stick it onto the bulletin before he comes to school tomorrow cause there' a bigger probability that he'll check it tomorrow instead of Friday (which was the day that I initially planned to do it).

Better sooner then later right? Cause I might regret not doing it at all.

And besides, I got a good prediction for that.

Apparently if I write him a post-it, he'll give a good reaction to it, according to my prediction.

Ten of Cups - Fulfillment. Satisfaction. Completion of a happy cycle and a good ending. Deep connection with family, friends and community. Celebration that goal has been reached. Enjoy this moment for you have worked hard for it. Get-togethers and parties. Let go of your burdens and the time to carry them is finished. You have found the love you have searched for. Retirement.

Okay, now I'm going to write it and hopefully, something good will happen.

:)

PS. Really loving CNBLUE's EAR FUN album. All the songs are really awesome! I especially like Dream Boy the most somehow. :)

Mixed feelings

Before going to take my SPM results, I kind of made a wish.


If I saw Law before going to take my results, I'll be okay.


So, when we were let off from Chemistry 15 minutes early, I took my time in leaving cause Law's break was in 15 minutes time as well.


When I got down, I hung around a bit and I kept looking up to see if he was coming down already or not.


The next time I looked up, I noticed his shoes (the ones he always wear) and then when I fully looked up, he was facing in a different direction so I was like "At least I got to see him. :)"


Then, after a bit, June and I proceeded to go out and I still tried to keep a lookout for him but I couldn't see him.


In the car, June asked if I saw him and I said yeah so she asked if I saw him looking at me or not and I thought she meant the time that he came down from the stairs so I said "No, I was the only one looking at him when he was going down".


Then she shook her head.


Apparently, she saw him turning around to look at me as we passed by behind him on the way to the entrance and she said it was so obvious and she wondered how I could not have seen it.


I'm wondering if he really did that and if he did, did he only look at me cause I was all weird yesterday?


Or is it something else?


Anyway, he tagged Ivy in a post in Facebook so I got kind of sad after that.


And my SPM results did little to alleviate my sadness too.


I got 5 A+, 4 As, 1 B+ and 1B.


I'm just thankful that all my science subjects got an A.


I wonder if that's the reason why I can't sleep.


It's 2.00 am here right now and I'm not in the mood to personalise this entry so I'm leaving it in blue.


PS. I just baked 2 cakes just now. Maybe that's why I feel so waned out. 

Drained

I wonder why I feel so tired today.


Maybe it's cause I didn't get to see Law at all today so it's been three days since I last saw him.


I arrived at school late because of my doctor appointment and all my friends raved on to me about how Law had his hair cut and I really did want to see how he looks like now but I couldn't.


I want to see him.


And I feel super super super sad cause this Friday will be the last official Election Board activity which is to clean up the reception room before it disbands.


And what's even worse is that they'll start to clean around 12.20 pm and I'll only be let off at 2.50 pm and by that time, everything would have been clean and Law would have gone home.


I don't even think I'll get to go to the review meeting this Thursday cause I'm a year one.


So, I'll basically have small hope of meeting Law and talking to him.


I just feel glad that at least I've added him on Facebook and that, you know, he knows me. :)


I shall try my best to feel content with just that.


For now, I'll just let the seeds fall where ever it is that they're meant to fall to.


My sister, Skye, said that if there really is something between us, then he should be the first to make the move to approach me, not me because I might end up making the situation worse.


But, I think it'd be okay to smile at him. :)


Besides, there were a couple of incidents where he approached me so I should think that all of those counts.


Tomorrow, I hope that I'll get more encounters with him so that I can smile at him and maybe, maybe get to talk with him.


Please God. I'm praying.


P/S. I just played with the tarot app on Facebook again just for fun and I asked whether or not if Law is interested in me or not and I got this.


The Chariot - Victory (Orthotopic) Relationship between lovers will develop rapidly without hinder, but you two need more sweet talks and communication. The relationship will be a vigorous true love that overcomes difficulties. Being single, you will encounter someone you like. He is good at controlling his affections, in such, you should not hold back. It is because he has a warrior character that does not indulge his emotions. Thus you will need to take the initiative to strive for what you want.


It sounds a lot like Law so I will use it to motivate myself for tomorrow.


I must say "Hey!" and smile to him.


I must.


Even if I might regret the way how I said it later, I won't regret saying it.


I won't.

Is it me or just another crush?

David Archuletta's song, Crush, suddenly popped into my mind yesterday and I'm still thinking about it till now.


I used to think "The lyrics are so crappy. Do these things really happen?"


Well, look who's the crappy, mushy one now?


I only saw him once today and that made me feel slightly depressed but on a lighter note, I'm actually having no problem at all talking with guys.


I just hope that when I get to talk to him, no cat has my tongue.


I'm really tired now but I must push myself a bit to complete my Maths homework (which actually isn't much) and to finish drawing some stuff for our banner.


One of our seniors commented on how nice it looked and I felt really pleased. :)


Please, God, let me be able to talk to Law.


I can't believe it's so early and I feel so sleepy already.


I must finish my Maths tutorial by tonight.


I must finish it!