Before you go

Well, nothing happened at all today. Nothing.

He came in late (the test started later, thank goodness for him) and he proceeded to sit at the back row next to the girl that I thought had a crush on him since the front was full. Somehow, I could feel the icy atmosphere between both of them.

He went to sit in the front row after that though (since there had to be at least one table between two candidates) and because of that, towards the end of the test, I couldn't concentrate. I waited around for him to leave when I should've left first and when I got started on an unneeded paragraph and saw him standing up, I quickly cancelled it out and got up to leave. A fool, I know.

He was easily disturbed throughout the test. Whenever someone came in front to hand in their paper, he'd look up before he looked back down.

I felt really disappointed that I didn't get to talk with him today. The heaviness hung tightly around my heart as I walked home surrounded by the icy cold wind. Yeah, sounds like a bunch of crap, but that's how I really felt.

I won't be able to see him for a long time and I don't know when I'll get to see him next because I don't know when he'll be coming back for school, if he's going to go back to his hometown that is.

Not in the best of moods now. I will sleep now.

After a month

Hey there. :)

I haven't posted anything up in a month and it's not like I'm not experiencing any love-ish related subjects but because, well partly, I've been busy studying and getting ready to go to Milan, Italy to sit for my entrance exams there for a university and well, I need to work hard.

The other reason is, well, I've been trying to distract myself from Law. Like really.

I tried to look at other guys and I must admit, I make myself get really high and all but that feeling is only for a moment, nothing that I've experienced when I liked Law.

So...

I didn't even dare to look at his Facebook page after the last time that I texted him.

And I just went to look at it a few moments ago cause I thought I was brave enough for, I don't know, anything that'll disappoint me cause, I mean, it's already been a month, it should be okay right?

The first thing I saw was a couple of status updates and I was all cool and okay.

And then, I saw him taking a picture with Ivy and I just know that they are together already.

I won't go into much detail but let's just say that she's part of his group already.

And even though it's been more than a month, my heart still beat fast and I was really disappointed.

I felt upset. Crestfallen. Sad. Whatever other sad word that you can put in here.


And wow my song player just had to give me a sad song right now haha.

The song is called "Kissしたまま、さよなら" by 東方神起 (Tohoshinki). I love this song, really.


Anyway, whenever I tried to look at another guy or whenever I was a within a close proximity with any of them, my heart never did beat hard for them and I did not get whatsoever butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, I got high when I was near them, but not for the reasons that I got high whenever I was near Law.


I found out someone liked me, even during the time when I was like super ugly, and yes, that's flattering but I just can't seem to like him. Interested is probably as close as I can get to right now.

I tried liking this guy, whom June penned "Broccoli" but whom I shall coin Victor, and yes he's sweet and all and he and I actually talk but I know he isn't interested in any relationship at the moment cause he wants to concentrate on his studies and all and I also don't feel anything much for him.


And wow again, my song player is now playing 東方神起's With All My Heart which is a sad song as well.


Anyway, I just can't seem to forget him that easily. Just like Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines haha. 

Never thought I could really relate to that poem but hey ho I just did!

I keep thinking about that photo of him and Ivy but I will do my best to forget it.


And so, I also found another distraction, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I've had a crush on him ever since I saw him in 500 Days of Summer and I watched him in Inception as well but I just started to admire him even more in The Dark Knight Rises.

He owns this company called hitRECord which I intend to join once I'm partly satisfied with my skills and when I have the time to.

I'm actually supposed to be studying now... but Law just set me off.

Anyway, this "regular Joe" inspires me to be myself and to become better and I really hope that I'll get to meet him one day and impress him. :)


There was something that I wanted to say but I forgot haha. Never mind.

But I plan on posting a post about every single text between Law and I before I leave and I know I still like him cause even though I just got a smartphone (woohoo for me), I still cherish my old Sony Ericsson. I still can't bring myself to delete the texts.

And I just remembered what I wanted to say.

I'm now more afraid and cautious when I try to like someone and now, more than ever, I feel so discouraged to like any guy cause I feel like I don't deserve anyone or that I don't deserve to be liked by anyone.

Not like I'm going to turn into a lesbian but I now am leaning more to one sided crushes (i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lee Jong Hyun) cause it's safer cause I won't be anywhere near them embarrassing myself and not making any weird moves to get closer to them.


And that's about it for now I guess. I'm still going to update from time to time and I will definitely be more of myself haha.

It'll really take some time for me to heal but hopefully, I will.

Pause and analyse carefully

Okay, before I go on, I must just rant about Hunger Games.


Don't waste your money on watching the movie.


The book is a million times better.


I was so disappointed in how the movie turned out and I can't believe that it actually got good reviews because the way it turned out was so different from the book it's as though the director never read the book thoroughly to get the real message.


For starters, Haymitch was so not Haymitch.


He was a completely different person.


And then there was the weird guy in the beard who was never in the book in the first place.


And then President Snow kept on making appearances that were not even necessary when in the book he only started to really come into the picture towards the end of the book.


There are so many other things I'd like to point out but I'll just set those aside and keep them to myself but the way the movie was made was so superficial like the director focused solely on the "good side and evil side" and not on the sufferings of the people in the district, Katniss's opinions and so forth.


Okay, I'm feeling slightly better now.


Time to talk about Law. :)


Today I saw Law early in the morning cause I stayed downstairs in the cafeteria as I was waiting for Helen to photocopy my Physics practical exercise but I didn't dare to look at him properly.


I was really excited to have my first break because I wanted to let my friends sample two cakes that I made in preparation for the Election Board party this Saturday but then I found out that I had to attend a meeting because I'm part of the crew for the blood donation drive tomorrow so I got a bit sad.


Nevertheless, I rushed through the meeting cause the briefing was basically being read off the paper that was being handed around.


When I went to the cafeteria I saw Law but I couldn't find anyone else and I was about to give up and just go back upstairs cause Helen was holding my cakes when Elva showed up so I had a friend. Then, Helen showed up and gave me the containers of cake and June also showed up.


Helen had to go back to her group of guy friends that she was hanging out with so only Elva, June and I sat at the left side of the canteen which was quite far away from Law's table and in a way, I was quite happy with that cause I felt that I would just blush if we were sitting near him.


Then, as three of us were talking, I noticed that Law was walking towards us but then he turned around and walked back. Then, he turned around again and walked towards us but he made a turn to his right behind Elva to throw rubbish into the rubbish bin before he made his way back to his friends.


Then, when the bell rang, he and his friends got up and if I'm not mistaken or imagining it, the whole gang passed by us with Law and another guy walking in front of me behind Elva and another gang going around the table to my right.


"Why would this be of any significance?" you may ask.


For one, there was another rubbish bin that was nearer to Law so why did he have to walk all the way to where we were sitting?


Also, there are more than one way to pass by us so why did they kind of crowd around us?


Then June told me that while they were all passing by, Law looked at me for awhile before he went.


Also, during the second break (which I could not enjoy due to another meeting), June had to sit alone and she was sitting near Law's table and she saw him look towards her table.


June thinks that he might have been checking to see if I was coming or not and she wished that I could've come.


I wanted to so badly but I was being held back. =-=;


Earlier on, I passed by him on the stairs and it felt a bit weird and one of my friends,Queenie, suggested that I should've asked him to come and watch Hunger Games since I had an extra ticket but I said no cause I don't have the guts to do that.


Anyway, I have to sleep soon cause I want to donate blood tomorrow.


I hope that I won't faint or anything.

Is it me or just another crush?

David Archuletta's song, Crush, suddenly popped into my mind yesterday and I'm still thinking about it till now.


I used to think "The lyrics are so crappy. Do these things really happen?"


Well, look who's the crappy, mushy one now?


I only saw him once today and that made me feel slightly depressed but on a lighter note, I'm actually having no problem at all talking with guys.


I just hope that when I get to talk to him, no cat has my tongue.


I'm really tired now but I must push myself a bit to complete my Maths homework (which actually isn't much) and to finish drawing some stuff for our banner.


One of our seniors commented on how nice it looked and I felt really pleased. :)


Please, God, let me be able to talk to Law.


I can't believe it's so early and I feel so sleepy already.


I must finish my Maths tutorial by tonight.


I must finish it! 

We should never cry for more bread when our baskets are filled with loaves

How should I put this?


It's awesome and everything for me to go on liking Law but that doesn't mean he'll return my feelings for him.


I'm blaming the cause of this small state of slight depression on the Magic Crystal Ball application on Facebook.


I know it's all just crap and everything but still.


I was occupied with a whole lot of quiz, horoscopes, predictions and love calculators just now cause I'm kind of procrastinating before I get on with my homework which isn't much anyway.


Both of the love calculator and horoscope match contradicted each other to the max.


According to the calculator, my chances with Law is pretty slim but according to the horoscope match, he is the perfect match for me.


Highly amusing, as usual.


My love prediction for today is "Your admirer will approach you soon" or something like that cause I closed the browser before I had the chance to copy and paste the prediction.


Amusing, again.


Today, my sisters and I went to a newly opened library in town and I saw some Star Wars books and out of curiosity, I started reading one of them because Law likes Star Wars and the story seemed interesting enough so I became a member of the library and borrowed the book.


I borrowed the oldest copy that I could find.

Published in 1995

I just saw a couple of reviews about it just now and things didn't look to peachy.

Apparently, it's a book from a disappointing series.

I wanted to take Star Wars:Fate of the Jedi, BACKLASH initially but the font was too huge and if Law caught me reading that book, I'd look like a kid.

At least the book I borrowed has small font.

But the latter looks more interesting. 

I'll get started on reading the former after I finish my maths homework (not a lot thank goodness).

Law's actually indirectly getting me to read again which is a hobby I've not cultivated seriously in a long time.

I must not be afraid of taking risks if any opportunity (that isn't stupid) cause this will be the last week for the both of us to be working together.

I'm praying that I'll get to work together with him.

Now, I must study.

It's half and half

I'm slightly disappointed that I didn't get chosen as the Graduation Chairperson but I'm sure that there's a good reason that God didn't want that to happen to me.


I didn't get to see Law today which, in a way, was a relief cause I'm pretty sure I made a complete fool of myself in front of a lot of people.


More people know about Law now.


I hope this doesn't spread.


I was feeling a little sad just now about whether or not I should still continue to like him.


But, at this stage where I am right now, I constantly think about him even though the subject matter right in front of me doesn't really connect with him.


Somehow, he'll just appear in my mind.


I'm sure that I've been thinking too much over the past few days so now I must try to control my thoughts.


I can't let them get to me.


I've been using this "Love Prediction" application on Facebook and I always get amused by the things they come up with.


Today's one is "Next weekend you'll be pleasantly surprised by your admirer."


I've been getting a lot of predictions regarding my "admirer"s and I'm highly amused by all of them.


I should post them up in here whenever they get too amusing.


I must sleep now. I've got to wake up early for church tomorrow.

Undecided

Today, I humiliated myself in front of the entire cafeteria.


So let me rewind back to the beginning.


I told my friends in the morning about what happened between Law and I yesterday and then I left.


During the first break, when I sat down next to them, all of them went like "Guess who's sitting near us?"


I did know. I could recognize his back from across a hall but I did my best to not look at him too much unlike my friends.


Then, after he left, I suggested that all of us should go back to class so Jean decided to walk with me.


When we got to the stairs, Law was standing near the further staircase so I took the one nearer to where I was standing but Jean just had to start dragging me to the other side and I panicked.


I panicked and dragged her back too the cafeteria.


And I screamed shrieked.


I bet he noticed that.


And suddenly all my friends (the ones who knows about Law) appeared out of nowhere and began teasing me because Law was buying food and they kept on asking me to go and buy food too.


But after that when I started my duty, he was neutral with me like he didn't notice the commotion which is good.


We worked together during the cleaning up time and were quite near each other but that's about it.


After that when we went back to the hall, we had to clean up more stuff and be briefed and he sat quite near to me. :)


Then, we had to take down more newspapers and because I wanted to, I punched through one of the newspaper sheets and I was about to punch another side when he went "Wait wait wait! I want to punch too!" and then he punched the side I wanted to punch.


He grinned so taking all of my friends advice, I grinned and giggled. 


Ugh. =-=;


But at least that was something.


I'm doing my best to practice talking with my seniors especially guy ones.


But, why did Law have to come up to me?


I'm pretty sure there were ones that were closer to him.


I didn't get to work with after that and even though I planned to stay back a bit late to do my homework and maybe get the chance to talk with him, I didn't.


It was because my driver came way too early.


I told my friends that morning that I'd get the courage to talk with him but I never did.


Now they're going to help me although I don't know how. XD


But for the last bit of today, I felt really sad cause I couldn't get the chance to talk to him.


But on a good side, I still have the chance to work with him next week! :)


I got nominated for the Graduation Chairperson post in the Student Council.


I am really shocked. Really.


Maybe I'll be able to get closer to Law in this way???


Anyway, I have to sleep now even though my hair isn't dry yet in the least.


I need to prepare myself for the interview tomorrow and even though I think I'm prepared, I'll just run through my self-introduction speech and a couple of Q&A they might ask me tomorrow on my way to school tomorrow.


I hope that I'll be able to get closer to him.

Pixie Dust

Is what I really need.


I keep on looking at the "Add as Friend" button and I can't help thinking "If only, if only."


Why do I always like guys I know I can never ever talk to?


Feeling very low today but I can't let it show.


I really really really hope I'll get to be friends with him.


And I also really really hope that I'll get to become even more prettier.


And if we really do become friends and I begin to develop real feelings for him, I hope that whatever happens, I'll still be happy and be able to move on in life.


Seriously though, why did I fall for him??? TT^TT

Who would have known?

I came to school extra early today cause my brother had to be at his school by 6.30am so I was at school by 6.40am even though school only started at 8.00am.


But the main thing here is that for the first time since school started, I didn't see Law at all today.


I didn't think I'd get upset over such a menial matter but here I am feeling disappointed that I didn't get to look at him.


But come to think of it, I won't get to see him for a whole week because of our school break for Chinese New Year.


And I'm sure that since he's Chinese, he must have took an early leave for a vacation.


I already knew I wouldn't have been able to see him during the first break due to a meeting but even when I had to attend a short camp meeting, I didn't see him either.


I really do feel disappointed.


I didn't think it was obvious but then even people who I don't really talk to asked why I looked so sad and right then and there I thought to myself, "Does Law really affect me?"


I couldn't really focus in class today.


I keep on replaying the chances I had on my birthday to say "Hi!" to him but I missed them all.


I screwed up.


Who knows when I'll get the chance to actually talk to him cause I already promised to myself that if I got to talk to him for a few more times, I'd pluck up the courage to add him on Facebook.


I told my sisters last night. They didn't give much of a reaction cause they said they expected it.


You know, all those mangas I read make crushes-turned-into-true-love look so easy.


How the hell do those girls and guys pluck up the courage to even start to talk to each other???!


It's so hard just to even look at him.


I sometimes wish I wasn't so shy.


I'm sure I'd have talked to him more by now.


I wonder if he knows I am interested in him?


Please, please, please give me the chance to be able to have a normal conversation with him so that we can get to know each other better.


I also really really really want to look prettier.


I freaking wish I was pretty enough for him.


Sometimes, I wish I was so freaking beautiful that people would turn to look. I really want to know how that feels like.


Law is really a shining, radiant creature (note: not a vampire) and I really don't know how someone of my stature will ever get the chance to become his friend.


I hope, I really really hope that he'd notice me and take an interest in me.


I am really jealous of my sister cause for both of the times that she had a crush on two different people, both of them also fell for her and one of them is still going strong with her. The first one was a little complicated.


I just wonder how they all do it.


All my siblings have such radiant personalities.


And they are all really hot or pretty or gorgeous.


I always feel like the runt of the litter no matter how many times they say I'm the prettiest.


Cause let's face it, my face is not as captivating as theirs.


I don't even have an outstanding personality cause I always am the person who is backstage, never front stage.


All of them have been front stage.


For once, I'd really like something that I want to happen to me actually happen to me.


Please, please, please let Law suddenly talk to me and when he does, please please please let the both of us hit it off.

If we get to see tomorrow

I feel slightly sad that I can't go to school tomorrow cause then I wont get to see him and make my day. :)


During the audition today, due to my resume, my seniors kept on asking me to join the Student Council.


I kept giving excuses, some of course were real but others were based on Law.


I can't believe I actually let people down cause I wanted to be closer to Law.


I'm really sorry, but I'd like to be happy too.


I wasn't in the same room as Law and at first I was slightly upset but then once I thought about it, I guess it's not too bad cause then I wouldn't be able to face him the next time I see him if I did see him.


I really really really hope they'll pick me to be part of their team.


And I'm not praising myself or anything, but compared to other interviewees, I was less noisy and controllable. Do they really want people who can't even control themselves run the Election Board?


I hope hope hope I'll get chosen.


Because then, I wouldn't have much opportunities left to get to know him.


That was what I was thinking throughout the time they kept asking me why I wanted to join their board so badly.


I couldn't have just said "Oh, it's cause there's a guy there that I'm interested in so I want to get in so I can get to know him better." Although those words were on the tip of my tongue.


I haven't told anyone yet that I like Law.


I guess I'm afraid of being judged.


Usually I tell my sisters everything but I feel like I need to hold back a bit until the time when I actually get to know him.


I only saw him once today during the first break because I had to go to the First Aid Team meeting so I was slightly disappointed.


But on a positive note, I didn't stare at him today. :)


I Google-d him just now for the heck of it and I hardly came up with anything. Just a couple of pictures.


Okay, I've got to go bath and sleep early. :)


Must study hard and revise two weeks worth of notes and lectures tomorrow!!!! :D 6 HOURS! MUST!