Under an abstract umbrella

I now positively believe that there's something wrong with me.

Somewhere, somehow, along last week's timeline, I lost all my emotions.

In the daytime and through electronic means of communicating, I act oh so joyful and bubbly and cheerful while housing a white emptiness inside, like a Russian doll. It gets worst at night and sometimes I feel really lonely as I curl up under my blankets and think blankly before I fall asleep.

So I really thought that this had something to do with Prince since I always get the urge to talk with him whenever I see him online on Facebook.

So I chatted him up today, exactly a month since we last chatted on Facebook, asking about our project and how to get to an airport. He was nice as usual, although his responses were sometimes a bit slow, but he wasn't as warm as he used to be. Did I not show interest in him so he lost interest in me? Or is it because of Carl?

Well, regardless of that, I am a stubborn person so I will continue to keep this interest in him although I can feel that it's slowly starting to fade away.

Now why did I chat with him?

As I was walking from the print shop just now (in the rain, how lucky) I couldn't help but theorise that maybe I wanted something to happen, good or bad, so that I could evoke some emotion in me.

And I think that I was a bit depressed initially but as time went on, it wore off and here I am, feeling blank again in a way.

Not that I'm complaining much I guess, since being blank helps me to work on my projects, but it would be nice to be human again.

I keep going out with people but I don't know, I just can't feel anymore warmth.

I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow.

After a month

Hey there. :)

I haven't posted anything up in a month and it's not like I'm not experiencing any love-ish related subjects but because, well partly, I've been busy studying and getting ready to go to Milan, Italy to sit for my entrance exams there for a university and well, I need to work hard.

The other reason is, well, I've been trying to distract myself from Law. Like really.

I tried to look at other guys and I must admit, I make myself get really high and all but that feeling is only for a moment, nothing that I've experienced when I liked Law.

So...

I didn't even dare to look at his Facebook page after the last time that I texted him.

And I just went to look at it a few moments ago cause I thought I was brave enough for, I don't know, anything that'll disappoint me cause, I mean, it's already been a month, it should be okay right?

The first thing I saw was a couple of status updates and I was all cool and okay.

And then, I saw him taking a picture with Ivy and I just know that they are together already.

I won't go into much detail but let's just say that she's part of his group already.

And even though it's been more than a month, my heart still beat fast and I was really disappointed.

I felt upset. Crestfallen. Sad. Whatever other sad word that you can put in here.


And wow my song player just had to give me a sad song right now haha.

The song is called "Kissしたまま、さよなら" by 東方神起 (Tohoshinki). I love this song, really.


Anyway, whenever I tried to look at another guy or whenever I was a within a close proximity with any of them, my heart never did beat hard for them and I did not get whatsoever butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, I got high when I was near them, but not for the reasons that I got high whenever I was near Law.


I found out someone liked me, even during the time when I was like super ugly, and yes, that's flattering but I just can't seem to like him. Interested is probably as close as I can get to right now.

I tried liking this guy, whom June penned "Broccoli" but whom I shall coin Victor, and yes he's sweet and all and he and I actually talk but I know he isn't interested in any relationship at the moment cause he wants to concentrate on his studies and all and I also don't feel anything much for him.


And wow again, my song player is now playing 東方神起's With All My Heart which is a sad song as well.


Anyway, I just can't seem to forget him that easily. Just like Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines haha. 

Never thought I could really relate to that poem but hey ho I just did!

I keep thinking about that photo of him and Ivy but I will do my best to forget it.


And so, I also found another distraction, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I've had a crush on him ever since I saw him in 500 Days of Summer and I watched him in Inception as well but I just started to admire him even more in The Dark Knight Rises.

He owns this company called hitRECord which I intend to join once I'm partly satisfied with my skills and when I have the time to.

I'm actually supposed to be studying now... but Law just set me off.

Anyway, this "regular Joe" inspires me to be myself and to become better and I really hope that I'll get to meet him one day and impress him. :)


There was something that I wanted to say but I forgot haha. Never mind.

But I plan on posting a post about every single text between Law and I before I leave and I know I still like him cause even though I just got a smartphone (woohoo for me), I still cherish my old Sony Ericsson. I still can't bring myself to delete the texts.

And I just remembered what I wanted to say.

I'm now more afraid and cautious when I try to like someone and now, more than ever, I feel so discouraged to like any guy cause I feel like I don't deserve anyone or that I don't deserve to be liked by anyone.

Not like I'm going to turn into a lesbian but I now am leaning more to one sided crushes (i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lee Jong Hyun) cause it's safer cause I won't be anywhere near them embarrassing myself and not making any weird moves to get closer to them.


And that's about it for now I guess. I'm still going to update from time to time and I will definitely be more of myself haha.

It'll really take some time for me to heal but hopefully, I will.