After a month

Hey there. :)

I haven't posted anything up in a month and it's not like I'm not experiencing any love-ish related subjects but because, well partly, I've been busy studying and getting ready to go to Milan, Italy to sit for my entrance exams there for a university and well, I need to work hard.

The other reason is, well, I've been trying to distract myself from Law. Like really.

I tried to look at other guys and I must admit, I make myself get really high and all but that feeling is only for a moment, nothing that I've experienced when I liked Law.

So...

I didn't even dare to look at his Facebook page after the last time that I texted him.

And I just went to look at it a few moments ago cause I thought I was brave enough for, I don't know, anything that'll disappoint me cause, I mean, it's already been a month, it should be okay right?

The first thing I saw was a couple of status updates and I was all cool and okay.

And then, I saw him taking a picture with Ivy and I just know that they are together already.

I won't go into much detail but let's just say that she's part of his group already.

And even though it's been more than a month, my heart still beat fast and I was really disappointed.

I felt upset. Crestfallen. Sad. Whatever other sad word that you can put in here.


And wow my song player just had to give me a sad song right now haha.

The song is called "Kissしたまま、さよなら" by 東方神起 (Tohoshinki). I love this song, really.


Anyway, whenever I tried to look at another guy or whenever I was a within a close proximity with any of them, my heart never did beat hard for them and I did not get whatsoever butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, I got high when I was near them, but not for the reasons that I got high whenever I was near Law.


I found out someone liked me, even during the time when I was like super ugly, and yes, that's flattering but I just can't seem to like him. Interested is probably as close as I can get to right now.

I tried liking this guy, whom June penned "Broccoli" but whom I shall coin Victor, and yes he's sweet and all and he and I actually talk but I know he isn't interested in any relationship at the moment cause he wants to concentrate on his studies and all and I also don't feel anything much for him.


And wow again, my song player is now playing 東方神起's With All My Heart which is a sad song as well.


Anyway, I just can't seem to forget him that easily. Just like Pablo Neruda's Tonight I can write the saddest lines haha. 

Never thought I could really relate to that poem but hey ho I just did!

I keep thinking about that photo of him and Ivy but I will do my best to forget it.


And so, I also found another distraction, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I've had a crush on him ever since I saw him in 500 Days of Summer and I watched him in Inception as well but I just started to admire him even more in The Dark Knight Rises.

He owns this company called hitRECord which I intend to join once I'm partly satisfied with my skills and when I have the time to.

I'm actually supposed to be studying now... but Law just set me off.

Anyway, this "regular Joe" inspires me to be myself and to become better and I really hope that I'll get to meet him one day and impress him. :)


There was something that I wanted to say but I forgot haha. Never mind.

But I plan on posting a post about every single text between Law and I before I leave and I know I still like him cause even though I just got a smartphone (woohoo for me), I still cherish my old Sony Ericsson. I still can't bring myself to delete the texts.

And I just remembered what I wanted to say.

I'm now more afraid and cautious when I try to like someone and now, more than ever, I feel so discouraged to like any guy cause I feel like I don't deserve anyone or that I don't deserve to be liked by anyone.

Not like I'm going to turn into a lesbian but I now am leaning more to one sided crushes (i.e. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lee Jong Hyun) cause it's safer cause I won't be anywhere near them embarrassing myself and not making any weird moves to get closer to them.


And that's about it for now I guess. I'm still going to update from time to time and I will definitely be more of myself haha.

It'll really take some time for me to heal but hopefully, I will.

I've been punked?

Cutting things short (cause it's late and all my initial happy energy had disappeared), Law replied my text literally the minute he got out from his test.


This was how it went.

Me: Good luck for your trials tomorrow Law. :) You can do it!

Law: Haha thanks im gonna need it. Trials was hell lol. Good luck for your too, abit late haha but it would have to do.

Me: I bet it was since it was Chemistry. XD In what way is it late? Our exams haven't started. Thank you! :)

The end.

The amazing thing is that when Angel replied to my "Good Luck" text, she only said "Thank you!!!  :) ".

Why is that amazing?

It's cause I've talked more and communicated more with Angel then I have with Law and he replied me with a long text and he even wished me good luck even though I'm not sitting for any test currently.

And the text that I sent Angel was even longer than the one that I sent to Law.

And so I got excited and I thought that he'd reply me but he didn't.

Was it because I said "Thank you!!!" at the end, which could imply that I don't want to text with him anymore?

But I asked him a question didn't I?

And again, how sure can I be that he knows it's me? I mean, does he know that that's my number? Shouldn't he know that only the year twos are having trials now? So, does that mean he thinks I'm someone else?

But in my first message, I already implied that it was "his" trials and not mine so shouldn't that say that I'm not taking my test?

Yes, these thoughts were plaguing my mind and now it has me thinking that he's pranking me.

But he's a really nice guy and I don't think that he'd do that.

But yet again, the words he used to text me were slightly different then usual that is, if I compare them to the comment he made on my status.

Also, I just found out that I'm no longer the only year one from the Election Board who's his Facebook friend and I feel quite upset because of that.

Maybe that's the girl who likes him as well.

You know what? Maybe I'm over thinking too much.

I'm just going to think believe that he knows it was me who sent the text and that he's too busy studying to reply.

Also, since he did reply to the text, this means that it'll be okay if I comment on certain stuff that he posts up and like them (not all the time of course) and this also means that he doesn't hate me and that I can say "Hi" to him at school.

Summer said that him sending me a long text is a good sign but it's too early to say anything for sure.

She said "If some random person texted me 'Good Luck' I would have said 'Haha thanks' but that would be all."

I must think good thoughts about him!

Even my prediction says so: Happiness can be found with someone near when you look closely and discover the good in their heart.

I must remember how happy I felt when I got his text.

I literally rolled around and squealed to June and then I told Jean, Lee Anne, Elva, Sasha and another girl who is Elva's classmate and Jean, Lee Anne and Sasha kept on complaining that I only listened to Ariel (the classmate whom I always sit with in class and who knows about Law) because thanks to her, I got the courage to text Law.

Anyway, I must sleep now cause it's almost half-past two in the morning.

Night.

Must not think too much!!!!!

Just when you've seen the edge of the cliff

Today is a Sunday.


It is also the first of April.


The first of April is also known as April Fools Day.




When I woke up in the morning, I already felt so down and depressed about the whole Law thing and I kept on thinking whether or not I should continue to like him.


After church, we went to eat at a shop that served us very late so my mood kind of went down.


And my dad made the situation worse by yelling at the waiter.


Then, my family and I went to the PC fair but I couldn't find any graphic designing tablet so my mood got even more sour.


We only bought a printer.




When we came home, we installed the printer and then I went online to Facebook.


I saw that Law was online 3 hours ago so I felt slightly relieved but Ray was online so I just went on with checking my usual stuff and then I decided to update my status.


"Pikom fair this year by far the most disappointing one."


Then I continued to look for more stuff to waste my time on.




And that was when I got a notification but I felt too lazy to check it but then I checked it in the end.


And I got the shock of my life.




Law commented on your status update: "Really? Luckily I don't have anything to look for."




The second I saw his name, my heart started to beat really fast and my hands were shaking and when my hands flew to my face, my cheeks were hot (and they still are).


I got so excited I laughed out loud (literally) which caused Summer to look at me in bewilderment.


"You scared me!"


That's what she said to a hopping me who was already on her way to call Helen and June but then they didn't pick up their phones so I was in the middle of texting Helen when she texted me and asked if I was okay and then I told her everything.


Then June called and I told her everything.


Actually, I don't know whether or not I replied to his comment first or if I called both of them first but I think it's the former.


And at least my comment wasn't like immediately after he commented but roughly 1 minute and 45 seconds after his comment.




Okay, now my common sense has kicked in a tiny bit.




Why did he comment on my status?


Why was his language so super formal compared to when he texts me or when he comments on other people's status or when he posts stuff up.


Is this a prank??????




I must keep my mind open to this and I'm so thankful I didn't immediately reply to his comment.




Regardless of my paranoia or if this is true, I'm still happy that he commented.


And if he wants to play with my feelings (that is if he knows that I like him) then two can play at that game.




But then again, I could be over analysing things so I'm going to check my page one more time before I do my Malaysian Studies project.


Cause for all I know, it's Ray who's playing this prank on me.


So I must watch out.

Justify

As I was walking home today, I made myself use that time to think and analyse what truly happened yesterday.


Somehow, there was one particular sentence that kept on playing in my head throughout that entire time. It was the part where all my seniors kept on asking me to just spit out the truth about who I like.


While I was still having an internal quarrel with myself as to whether or not I should just spit out Law's name, Ray suddenly spoke up.


"Just say his name. A lot of people in school has the same name."


At first, I didn't give much thought to his words but they somehow managed to resurface just now.


So...


What does he mean by those words?????


If I were to really analyse the way he used his words, it's mean he knows that I like Law.




I. Am. Feeling. Kind of. Nervous.






Does this mean that Law knows as well????????????


Ray was kind of expecting me to answer somehow. I just felt it.


Okay, I'm going to study maths now and I don't want to think about this too much.