Of pheromones and hormones

Good evening reader who stumbled upon this page or to the very few readers that I do have.

It's been about two months since I last posted anything up, mainly because I hardly went online as I am still having my holidays in Malaysia and I rather spend all my time with my family. After all, I'll be all alone again with this laptop (got a new one! XD) as soon as I get back.

But someone who's an extreme stranger to me caught my eye and has been on my mind for the past three days so I knew I just needed to get this off my chest before it gets viral in my head and I start to believe that I have sincere feelings for him.

Which brings me to a new conclusion that I have summed up for myself.

I believe that attraction is caused by a sudden rush of a mixture of our hormones when we get affected by another's pheromones and somewhat unfortunately, I get trapped by these pheromones for too long so it takes a long time for them to wear off whereby in the mean time, my mind convinces itself that it is in "love".

So let me just get this guy out of my head, heck, I don't even know his name.

All that I do know is that he is a hairdresser.

And that he's probably gay.

I first saw him when I followed my sisters and brother to get their hair done at the salon. He did my brother's hair and he somehow got my attention, most probably because he looks like Prince (he even had almost the same hairstyle).

I thought he was cute and I was only slightly vocal about it but I forgot about him a few hours later.

Then, two days ago, my sister and I went to cut our hair and as soon as we sat down, a chatty guy started to work on her hair so I just awkwardly thumbed through a fashion magazine since I didn't have any paper I could use to draw with so I tried to entertain myself with the feature story.

And then he came up behind me and started attending to me and I really did try to make myself act cool but I could feel myself like being all shy and awkward which always happens when I'm around the guy I like.

It was already bad enough that I tried to avoid eye-contact while he was washing my hair but I just had to be all awkward when he tried talking to me in a somewhat quiet voice.

"Did you dye your hair or is it natural?"

"Uh..-it...-it's dyed"

Yes my lovely humans. Cringe in my honour. I don't think I did enough of it to suffice.

And then I really tried my best to not make eye-contact with him, even when he asked me how I wanted my fringe to be cut like and oh my gosh I really wanted to smack myself then.

"So... How do you want your fringe cut?"

"Erm... er..."

"Sideways? Straight?"

"... I-R'know..."

Facepalm. Facepalm. Facepalm.

Please don't follow my lead by trying to say "I don't know" while you're stammering.

It was so obvious that I wanted to get out from there, to get away from him before he sees me in an even worse state. I tried escaping from my chair twice and he wasn't even done yet but in my defence, I thought he was. I swear he was laughing on the inside.

He wasn't at the counter when both of us were paying up but just as my sister was about to pay, her hairdresser and mine came up and she started talking with her guy and I felt so uncomfortable that I bowed (in his direction) and said "Thank you" and then I went out because I supposedly wanted to buy something from the stationary shop nearby which happened to be closed on that day.

And I saw him at lunch but I pretended not to see him.

...

I feel much more relieved now. I really really really don't want to develop feelings for anyone for the next year or so because I want to concentrate on my dreams and studies, except for the occasional fangasm for my K-Pop biases.

And to add to the previously mentioned subject, I attended MTV World Stage Live in Malaysia 2013 (which I lined up for for 7 hours and then continued to stand for 4 hours) and I got to see EXO in the flesh! I was super close to the stage like only 4 metres or less away from them.

And I feel so good cause I waved to Lay and tried to yell for his attention but the crowd drowned out my voice but still he turned in my direction, made eye-contact with me and then waved and it was only to me I'm positive of that (I sound like one of those crazy fans but I assure you, at the very least I didn't leave right after they finished their performance to go stalk them like the other fans around me =-=;). We made eye-contact again just after they finished performing 'HISTORY' and really, it felt like a dream come true.

And now I have to get back to packing. Going to be heading off to the airport in 4 more days and I'm so not looking forward to it. When did I start hating aeroplane rides?

P.S. I had a minor crush on a guy who made us sushi in a restaurant as well just because he said "Excuse me" in perfect English. Brain, you sure are a strange creature.

The theory of relativity

I felt so out of place today just because I didn't see him the whole day.


Yes, I'm supposed to be ignoring him as much as I don't want to but I feel bad because I have to do something so vile.


For the first time in three months, I spent one of my breaks inside the lecture hall.


It was only for the first break though cause no one else wanted to go downstairs and I didn't want to be alone.


I really did feel awkward in there.


Previously, 20 minutes was really not enough for me for a break.


Today, it felt like a million years.


He really did preoccupy a lot of my thoughts and... whenever I was near him, time flew by in a nanosecond.


I can't focus too much on him next week cause I'll be having my tests in a fortnight.


I am really behind in my studies because I've been thinking about him too much in the past month so I must do my best to focus at the important task at hand.


I rejected the scholarship today and it felt good.


I sincerely hope he doesn't hate me.


Hoping that as time passes by, this whole thing would just clear up. It should anyway.


Going to become more patient.


Need to study a lot tomorrow. And do my projects as well.

I don't understand myself sometimes

So first I'll just tell a bit about what happened to myself in general before I go on to talking about Law.


I was asked by one of my seniors if I was interested in becoming the Graduation Chairperson and I really didn't expect  that I'd get asked with that question.


My heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was lightheaded but I managed to calm down and asked if I could confirm with him tomorrow cause my parents aren't really that excited about me being very involved in extra-curricular activities.


But, I managed to convince them just now and now because of that, I feel like I need to study even harder for my parents so that I'll get good results for my A-Levels.


I will not disappoint them.


Okay, now about Law. :)


I didn't get to see him during the Fixed Campaign but during the Election Board meeting I saw him for a bit but of course I did my best to not stare at him.


When I got back to the lecture hall, for some unknown reason, my group mates were discussing about him and I wanted to join in but I just knew I'd end up embarrassing myself so I didn't.


I told one of my newly made friends that I liked Law and she said that she knew another person who admired him but according to her "My friend only thinks he's pretty and cute. XD"


=-=;


A lot of people say he's pretty but I don't think so.


He's hot.


Reminds me, I finally told Elva that I liked Law.


I got around to telling her cause she said she was interested in some people also. Law included.


But, she said that she only admired him and that it's obvious that what I'm feeling for Law is more deeper than her interest in him.


And then when she asked me why I liked him, I couldn't really point out any reason.


I mean, I know why I like him but I can't express them using words.


So I ended up saying "Because.... he's hot."


And then I screamed the place down cause I've never ever ever called any real guy that I liked "hot". X|


Okay, back to Law now.


I kind of expected that he wouldn't stayback today because he didn't yesterday but he did and I was quite happy that I'd get to work with him because tomorrow, I won't be able to work with him at all.


That part got me down a bit but then I just told myself to be patient.


Anyway, we started to carry tables to and fro different halls and there was one part where I was waiting for people to enter the hall before I could exit the hall whilst I carried two tables when Law suddenly said "Let the people carrying the tables pass through first."


At least he was kind enough to help me. :)


After that, I tried to keep my distance away from him so as to not distract myself too much but I noticed that while he was distributing stationary, he approached my station first before he gradually went away.


And then, when our leader asked some people to go to the other hall to help with the preparation, I went ahead and I didn't expect that he'd come as well.


He was with some friends and they were all joking with each other and laughing their heads off and I couldn't join them as much as I wanted to so I started to do my work.


I was alone at first but then one of the seniors came over to help me so I practiced talking to people older than me   and I'm happy  to say that our conversation went quite well although slightly awkward. At least both of us tried to keep the conversation alive. :)


When we were "finished", they began joking over the newspaper articles and there was one part when he came over to where I was and I think that he was "talking" to me (or rather, the other guys around us) and he said "A youth group? You mean like a church thing?" and then it got slightly silent and I was about to say something but then that moment passed.


There was one part when we were about to clean up and I was picking up newspapers that I think that he noticed me doing the tidying up.


He said something like "You okay? Do you need help-?" and he was about to come over and help me when one of my peers stepped in to help me. =-=;


SO CLOSE.


Another part was when I was beginning to wrap more tables and initially I was alone but then one of my seniors came over to help me and I noticed that Law also wanted to help but he hovered around awkwardly before going back to sit down.


WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I INVITE HIM???!!!!!!!


I regret that part A LOT.


After that, I just tried to act normally and talked with the other senior and I noticed that Law was always quite close by.


But there was one occasion when we almost bumped into each other and for some unknown reason, I felt a tense atmosphere between the both of us.


He used a different car today. I think it's his dad's one. All my seniors and him went to eat dinner together after that.  =-=;  So lucky!


Am I thinking too much?


Were all of those events just coincidences?


I really really really hope that I'll at least get to talk to him for a bit tomorrow cause tomorrow is kind of like my last chance to ever work with him in any way.


I MUST NOT HOLD BACK AND JUST GO FOR IT.


If not, who knows when my next chance will be?


I remember when Elva asked me how much I liked him (before she found out who Law was) I answered "I like him so much that if I don't see him at all for one day at school, I'll get really depressed."


As sappy as that sounds like, it's true.


Please please please let tomorrow be magical and miraculous for the both of us.

Over the moon and then down in the dumps

Today our school held a talent show with the objective to showcase our students and lecturers talents as well as to break the ice between the students even more.


Our group got 2nd place and honestly, I was a bit shocked cause we only really started to practice seriously last night.


And we only practiced for two hours. Really.


I kept glancing at Law who stood quite close by although I don't know why.


It's not like he'll suddenly look at me or anything.


Anyway...


Before I go on, I'll just write down a bit about what happened to me just a few seconds ago.


My mom was looking at me, typing away, when she asked me why I wasn't studying as hard as used to last time.


I can't blame her for wondering but honestly, doesn't she care about anything else other than me and my studies?


It's really good that she's expressing and stressing such great concern but I would like her to know that the only reason why I type things out in this blog is because I can't really tell anyone here how I honestly feel without any fear whatsoever.


One of the reasons why I attend all kinds of practice is to meet new people and who knows, I'll get to find "the friend".


Maybe she's feeling this way because she likes being a loner?


But then again, it's not like she's never experienced what I'm experiencing now.


I'm quite sure she went out a lot when she went to college.


I'm not going to dwell too much on this though cause this blog isn't supposed to be related to problems like this but I'm not  exactly in the mood to open up my other blog and type in there too.


Okay, back to the main point. :)


Law had to keep going back in and out cause he was on duty but his duty didn't require him to do much so he could basically do anything he liked.


Like when other people were performing and if he was bored, he just went out of the hall.


There were a couple of occasions where I bumped into him and it was slightly awkward I guess.


It's probably because of the text I sent him yesterday.


But when our group performed, he actually stayed to watch. :)


It's not like I was on stage or anything (I was working backstage) but knowing that he stayed to watch our group made me feel slightly excited.


At times, I felt like he purposely stood in places so that I could look at him.


But then again, it's just my thoughts.


I will do my club work tomorrow and now I must go study so that my mom won't be so worried about me academically.


Amazing how I can feel so high up and happy one day and then get all down and soggy the next.


I must stick to my new year resolutions.