Maybe a jump at the chance?

Due to several factors, I believe that Yu and I won't work as groupmates for the next exercise and I learnt this from Xia because Xia and Yu want to pair up together and naturally I feel a bit left out but I'm taking this as an experience to learn more from other people.

Thus, I found myself wanting to team up with Prince and it isn't because I still hold extremely deep feelings for him but because I actually find him an interesting person to work with and I do hope he holds the same regards for me.

Today for our second exercise's evaluation, Yu and I got an 'A' while he and Carl got an 'A/B' this time so in a way, I do think he might think of me as someone good to work with.

Initially I planned to ask him face to face but I decided to just ask him tonight via Facebook so at the very least we both won't be physically there to feel the awkwardness.

I was definitely not looking my best today so when I met him I did feel a bit embarrassed but that bit only sank in after he left me.

We were passing each other in the hallway and since he was going the opposite direction, I said "Hey" and smiled at him on instinct ad he looked surprised (as per usual) and I think he said a soft "Hey" and a mid-smile and I actually wanted to stop right there at the vending machine but he was still there so I pretended to walk ahead again.

We made eye-contact several times today accidentally and there was still that weird eye-contact thing going on. I do believe that this means that he is especially wary of me.

After the evaluation, he and Carl went over to our place to check the model out and he came over first but since we were talking with another girl, he left after a bit but he came back later when Carl came over.

I addressed both of them in general to show that I won't bite (cause I always have this feeling that they think I do) and when that happened, Prince moved in closer to have a look cause I'm sure that he was just waiting for the signal from me or something like that to have a look hahahaha. Carl was quite rude to me on the other hand, payback maybe? He kept talking to me though and it was a bit annoying.

In a way, I feel a bit sorry for Yu because I don't think she can talk with Prince so easily now, not like they've talked much, but I kind of decapitated their friendship.

So whether I get rejected by Prince later or not (which is only a 1% possibility I think), I'll just use the outcome to make me a better person. The rejection bit will help me to prepare for future rejections and I will really need to get acquainted with it I believe.

Also, on a different note, a 40-something year old guy was hitting on me last night, inviting me over to his single-roomed house and everything, and he asked me whether or not I've had sex before and I said "No" and he began saying stuff like if it happens, let it happen and up until then, I didn't realise his intentions.

Which is pretty stupid of me I guess but I just thought that he was being friendly.

It makes me wonder if every single guy out there is in it only for sex and I have been told that Italian men are notorious for this kind of attitude, which is probably the reason why I lean more towards Asian guys because they are in a sense more polite about it.

The guy hitting on me wasn't Italian by the way, I think that he just adopted that kind of behaviour after living here for several years.

After I made a kind of speech about guys having to respect my principles before even sleeping with me, he immediately lost all his friendliness and was brisk and I just pretended to be my usual jolly self and I pretended to go offline after that. Oh, such a classic.

That's it for now. Going to enjoy my salads now hahahaha. I haven't had a real break from my assignments and exams in a long time and I will enjoy it to the fullest but I will do my best to prepare myself for the coming ones. A bit sick today as well so I definitely did not look good today hahahahaha.

A passing thought

I'm actually just procrastinating on work here but this thought really did go through my head several times in class since last Friday.

Prince is seriously good looking.

You have no idea how many times I caught a short glimpse of him and wondered "Wow, since when did we have such a hot guy in our class?" only to realise who this "hot guy" was several seconds later and seriously, I'm not lying.

Is it because I forgot how his face looked like, especially since he's using a photo with his sunglasses on for his Facebook profile picture?

HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SHEEP THIS IS HILARIOUS.

But yeah, he is really the type to catch anyone's attention with his looks. I'm really considering as to whether I should draw a manga version of him and to upload it on here. Maybe I should even do it for all of the other previous guys.

And manga version because it'd be pretty unlucky for me if someone I knew came across this blog and think "Hmm... Doesn't this look like ******???" and no I wouldn't want that. I'm pretty happy with only having two readers who I actually know in real life.

I find it quite funny that I used to look forward to go to uni so much but now I'd rather stay at home or go buy a new book and read it in a restaurant while having my lunch. That to me sounds like heaven now.

Also, we're going to have a gathering for Malaysians in Milan and Al was invited but he can't go because he's going to France (according to a self-translation minus Google and a dictionary) so I did feel a bit down but not too much. He'll probably not go for the beach gathering either hahahaha.

And another funny thing, he was added to the Malaysians in Italy group despite being an Italian. No, I'm not being racist and close-minded, it's just a bit funny although not a 'HA-HA-HA' kind of funny. The rest of the other guys weren't added though. :|

One thing that made me interested in him is the fact that he's a Capricorn, just like me, so I wondered whether or not we shared the same qualities.

If I'm not reading too much into it (which I always do), he is a bit like me but unlike him who's probably just a genuine smiley person who is really friendly, I have to keep an act up so that people won't think I'm arrogant just cause I don't smile a lot.

Okay. I really need to get back to work. I wasted a good 17 minutes on this hahahaha.

Story I

It's been 3 weeks since she last saw him and for a second she wondered whether he still remembered her; or was she someone so easy to forget? She pretended to busy herself by fixing her bag's strap and when she finally willed herself to look up, she made eye-contact with sky-blue eyes that she thought she saw gleam for a second causing a rusty orange to glint and then disappear.

"Buongiorno."
"Buongiorno."

She mentally cursed herself for not taking the Italian class at the start of the semester. Understanding it was one thing. Speaking words apart from 'ciao' and 'grazie' and making sentences was another. Realising that her mind spaced out, she zoned back into the real world and realised that he was grinning at her.

"Cosa?" Another handy Italian word. He pointed in one direction and it dawned on her that someone was calling her which caused pink flushes to appear on her cheeks as she bowed a quick bow in thanks before rushing off to the person who called her.

He knows how to speak in English, she knew that, but she had been so adamant to speak to him in Italian prior to knowing this info that it kind of seemed impossible for him to speak to her in English. That was all from her perspective anyway, she didn't know the real reason why he never talked to her in English.

And like always, she spent almost half her time trying to catch a glimpse of the boy with the curly hair and her peers probably caught her on one or two occasions but they joked lightly about it and thankfully he wasn't anywhere near them.

Around sunset she got tired and joined the group who were gathered around a fire and she plopped down next to a pile of beach towels. Everyone was talking in a mixture of Italian and English but it was mainly Italian and she did her best to keep up with the rapid flow of words and gave the occasional necessary laugh here and there so as not to seem too out of place.

A hoodied figure sat next to her so that the towels were now between them and when she looked to her right, she realised it was him. Her heart thumped just a notch faster and she pulled herself into a crossed-leg sitting position on instinct which caused their knees to bump and she immediately apologised but he said it was fine so she sat frozen for the next two minutes, trying to calm herself down and not thinking too much about the fact that their knees are touching each other.

He didn't say anything or move away but instead conversed naturally with the rest of the people so she was able to relax after awhile and started to tune back into the conversation again. Leaning back, she used her hand and arm to support herself by planting them into the towels and then she started adding bits of words to the conversation, mainly content just by listening to the sentences flowing freely around them.

Drowsiness started to attack her eyes (and apparently everyone else's) and she was about to doze off when something warm made contact with her hand and at once her eyes popped open and the object jumped slightly. It was his hand.

She wasn't looking at him but she knew that he was definitely looking the other way as well and she felt grateful that in the partial dimness of the evening, her blush was concealed.

Her hand remained where it was, unmoving, and as much as she denied it to herself, she realised that she wanted to hold  that hand, the one that was still hovering on top of hers, the one that she could feel was slightly trembling. The atmosphere between them was tense but it seemed as though no one else felt it and those few seconds of hesitation felt like centuries.

When he eventually realised that she wasn't going to move or flinch away, his hand settled on top of hers, his palm fitting neatly with the back of her hand. It paused just a second longer before settling down as though to give her a chance to flee, uncertain with what this meant to her.

Beer was handed out but she refused while he accepted a plastic cup. No one noticed their hands clasped together beneath the beach towels. Now, with the beer having found its way into several stomachs, the conversation was reignited and everyone suddenly had more stories and jokes to share. All she did was smile and laugh though, as weak as the laughs were, while he contributed some of his own almost as easily as before but now with a small touch of something like shyness or embarrassment in his tone.

It felt wonderful, the sensation that was ripping through her from the mere touch of his skin and when their fingers grazed slightly, she felt certain that her blush turned a shade darker. Him? She had no idea. She didn't dare to look in his direction.

She suddenly felt the pressure on top of her hand decrease slightly and in a moment of subconscious panic, she held onto his fingers with her own, causing his hand to stop and to shiver slightly. When she realised her daring act, she promptly let go and bowed her head even lower, certain that her face looked like a tomato.

So when his fingers slipped between hers a second later, she turned her head towards him in surprise and they caught each other's eyes shining with a pinch of hope. He gave her a reassuring grin before turning his slightly blushing face away, tightening his grip on her and she responded by gently brushing her thumb against his several times.

She liked the warmth which seemed to seep out from his hand to hers and back to him in a cycle, a small dance of pulsating heartbeats which made the flurries in her stomach turn into tornadoes.

She enjoyed the fact that this was a small secret they both shared even though it was noticeable had anyone paid any attention to them. They were in their own world, silently realising their mutual feelings for each other.

And although both of them didn't know it, they were both hoping that this moment could be elongated just a bit more, that maybe there will be more chances like this to encounter after this one ends.
_______________________________________________________________________

And how was that for storytelling eh? I could probably make some money by writing trashy love novels that only giggly teenagers would read if I do say so myself.

I have no idea why I really wrote that story out. It's the first time that I've ever done that and I don't even really like him or find him really interesting. If anything, I should have written a story about one of the deep crushes I had for celebrities but no.

It's not like I'd even know how I'd react if that would ever happen to me but I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll get to experience something similar.

I feel sick from eating too much Nutella. =-=;

I really need to work out tomorrow hahahaha, even if I don't really feel like it tomorrow morning.

I saw him online several times on Facebook today in the chat box (which is a first) but as tempted as I was to start a conversation with him, I kept thinking that he must be chatting with someone else more important and I'd only be a bother to him. Besides, Skye told me to not do the first move and I'll listen to her even though Rainie asked me to do the exact opposite.

"It all depends on the situation."

He shared a picture of a really sexy girl in the afternoon and I somehow felt jealous and it made me feel like I should really try to get a good body. The only good thing that I can somewhat conclude from that is that he's single cause I'm pretty sure that taken guys wouldn't do that on the account of disapproval from their girlfriend but you just never know.

Okay, it's time to sleep and wow is it early. Hopefully I will work harder to become more beautiful on the inside out. And to stop snacking on Nutella too much hahahahaha.

If I was someone else

I seriously couldn't care about my assignments. Probably going to pull an all nighter today to finish whatever I can.

So I read a couple of mangas just now and it made me think, 'If I had a different family, if I lived in a different environment, or if I had met different friends but still held the same principles and values, would I have been the person I am today?'

Naturally you and I know that the answer is 'Yes'.

No. I meant 'No'.

But really, I wish I could have someone's personality just for one day, the type who doesn't think too much and is reckless in her decisions. Someone who's the direct opposite of my character.

Someone who'll throw caution to the winds and just date around and not wait for the right guy to come along.

And when I think about that, I start to think 'What if I wasn't a Christian?'. Then I would be "free", in a way, to sleep around and do all those kinds of things that's forbidden in Christianity because as a human I'm naturally curious.

But when those thoughts appear in my head, I naturally feel guilty. It's probably cause I'm freaking traditional as well, also maybe one of the reasons why I never had a boyfriend, because I never asked any guy out.

Then I start thinking 'Should I make the first move to talk with Al?' and then I crush that thought out not even a minute later.

All of these thoughts get mucked up into my brain and ruin my concentration. I can't perform any duties out properly at the moment.

How can I sort this mess out?

Haunted

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I still have feelings for Prince and it's just that I am denying them even though I really don't think I do.

I mean, for instance on Friday during our Math lecture, he stood really near me, talking with Carl and one of my friends, and I didn't even feel bothered or anything. It was more of a 'meh' kind of situation. Or maybe I was just too fixated on the test that day but then again I didn't really care about the test so it couldn't have been that.

I do know that he at least acknowledges my presence. He turned to look at me when I went to ask the professor some questions when he was in front of the class with Carl, checking out their session for the exam later on in the afternoon.

The reason why I wonder about my feeling towards him is because I think I keep getting dreams about him.

Think.

I highlighted that part because most of the times after I wake up, I would have completely forgotten about who was in my dream but I will be able to remember that a significant guy played a major role in them. And I don't even know what my dreams were about.

I just have a nagging feeling that says that it's Prince and somehow, that doesn't settle quite so well in my mind.

I tried to get obsessed over Al (some people are even encouraging me to make the first move) but I just couldn't.

Just now though, I got to a point where I felt like my heart was beating for him but then I realised it's only because I long to feel the proximity of someone special so that there is real skinship between us.

But that short feeling for him manifested into a short story that I wasted an hour on. It sounds incredibly yucky I must tell you but I really didn't care about how I wrote it out because I just wanted to express the emotions that I wanted to feel, even if it wasn't in a very literature-esque manner. If I feel like it, I will post it up here, for laughs, cause I might lose that notebook one day and it'd be a shame to let such a silly piece of imagination to have gotten lost.

Out of my four sisters, I firmly believe that I'm the biggest romantic and thus it goes by some contradicting rule that they have all experienced relationships and I have not. Oh the world is a funny place. Sometimes I even think that it's okay to be single forever and to have never experienced a thing.

But I know that I really want to experience that kind of floral sensation.

And now back to my ventilated crawl spaces. Life isn't exciting at the moment but I guess it's to prepare me for something extremely happy or the other way round.

Sedimentation

I guess you can say that things are finally settling down between Prince and I. I no longer feel such a strong attraction to him and neither do I feel so sad when I see him online. It took me a month so I guess that's pretty fast. :)

We do have a weird kind of relationship though, hovering between acquaintances and friends.

After the lecture today was over, I Facebook messaged him the correct deadline date since he wasn't there and he replied with an "ok, thanks!!" and I didn't reply after that either cause I figured it'd be best to leave it there.

Funny how we can almost chat normally on Facebook but not so in real life.

I have a mathematics exam tomorrow which I will start to study soon but really, I couldn't care less. Maybe I will tomorrow but I really believe that I burnt out around the time that I found out he had a girlfriend.

Carl tried to approach me today but I was very brisk when I talked with him. Maybe that's why he didn't stay in class today.

Whenever it is that love will come for me, I will just have to be patient.

And since I'm getting slightly lazier to post in here, I have no idea how frequent I'll update this place. We'll just have to see.

Not ready

I myself know that I'm not ready to start liking anyone just yet, especially since I still harbour negative thoughts, but I find myself forcing my mind to like Al.

He is quite a decent guy, if I may so myself.

For me he's quite good looking (blue eyes and amazing smile) and he likes poems, has a witty sense of humour and he takes up martial arts so he's strong. The only con that I know about him so far is that he's an atheist but he's an open atheist.

One of the friends that I met during the exhibition (we'll call her Pim) is slowly encouraging me to just say "Hi" to him on Facebook but seriously, what am I supposed to use to follow that up? I mean, we didn't even speak to each other in Italian, much less English so yeah, it'd definitely will be odd.

I wanted to post stuff up in here yesterday but I attended my flatmate's birthday party and it was pretty good actually although I really don't understand why people do this all the time. Pretty tiring indeed.

Anyway, yesterday during the lecture, I was actually surprisingly civil and nice to Carl and I even smiled and laughed and whatnot and it's probably because of the events that happened during the exhibition but I will keep this good look up and hope that he doesn't misunderstand me.

While that was going on though, Prince was nearby and all he did was watch and he approached me and Yu sometimes but I did my best to not stare at him although I stole some glances now and then. I felt he did the same though but I never caught him in the act.

Maybe he was just a tiny bit jealous that I didn't talk with him. But that's fantasy world talking.

So it came as a surprise to me, while I was chatting with Pim on Facebook, that I got a message from Prince asking about the deadline for one of our projects so after a few sentences we broke it off.

I didn't get any butterflies but I did feel happy that even though some of his other friends (who are also our classmates) were online, he chose to ask me. He could've asked that question in the group page as well but he didn't so I guess that he considers me as slightly more than an acquaintance.

I do hope that this means that our friendship is slowly being repaired again. :)

Throughout that grieving period I gained a lot of weight but I will slowly lose it, using Al as a fake goal I guess.

I tried to imagine how it felt like being hugged by him and getting kisses from him but the memory is very blurry. I can't exactly remember anything so I'm just depending on my blog entry for that.

I'll have to go soon.

P.S. Pim told me that she saw Al taking a lot of pictures of me while I was drawing and I found that a bit surprising hahahaha.