And it happens only now?

I finally dreamt about Lay properly today. Yes, not last night but today, when I went back to sleep after I snoozed my alarm clock.

What I remember clearly is that I was with some people (presumably my sisters and friends) when someone said it was time to greet the crowd so we went on stage and EXO was there too. I really have no idea why my sisters, friends, and I were there since I somehow knew it was a special stage for EXO but we got ushered in front so there we stood. Initially I was standing at the back but I got pushed forwards until I was in the front line and in the middle at that.

Then someone asked me to say the greeting and so I said it surprisingly enough, in Mandarin. And as soon as that happened, I heard someone snigger and I turned around to look and it was Lay and soon enough, everyone was laughing. And strangely enough, instead of what happens in typical Korean dramas, I laughed along and it was a pretty hearty laugh.

And that's when I heard someone say "How can you do that to your girlfriend?" and Lay was apologizing while still trying to hold back his laugh and just like that I felt this weird sense of clarity in me, as though I really thought I was his girlfriend.

I can't remember much now since it's late but yeah, it was pretty nice to get a dream about him.

And now to work.

If dreams were real

I'd be in seventh heaven now.

I dreamt about Lay last night (and the rest of the EXO members as well) and I dreamt that we had feelings for each other.

The weird thing about the dream was that instead of me being in the position of the third person (looking at Lay and a projection of myself) I was really the one who was in my own shoes and I could feel real feelings surging in me.

The part that I remembered was that I was performing a hideous but comical dance on stage with 4 or 5 other girls when a crowd entered to watch because it was a school event apparently and he was there as well.

At the end of the dance, people clapped and laughed at our performance when suddenly something like a bidding auction started and they were like "Who wants to take Beth?" and surprisingly a lot of people had their hands up.

That's when I noticed that the EXO members were nudging Lay and were saying "Lay, go on! You like her don't you?! And she likes you too!" and I felt really embarrassed but happy at the same time. In an instant, most of the people put their hands back down and that's when Lay walked up to the stage so I covered my face and shamelessly held out my hand which he took.

"Let's go."
"Okay."

Then as we were making our way to the back of the crowd where the exit was he said "I need to tell you something... But I'll only say it when we get behind the school." and all I could do was nod and somehow we both knew that we really had strong feelings for each other.

Well, we never really made it to the back of the school cause I got woken up by my mom.

And the funny thing is that Lay looked like Tao at first but when I realised it, I did my best to change his looks.

Maybe I'll dream about him again tonight. That'd be great.

Haunted

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I still have feelings for Prince and it's just that I am denying them even though I really don't think I do.

I mean, for instance on Friday during our Math lecture, he stood really near me, talking with Carl and one of my friends, and I didn't even feel bothered or anything. It was more of a 'meh' kind of situation. Or maybe I was just too fixated on the test that day but then again I didn't really care about the test so it couldn't have been that.

I do know that he at least acknowledges my presence. He turned to look at me when I went to ask the professor some questions when he was in front of the class with Carl, checking out their session for the exam later on in the afternoon.

The reason why I wonder about my feeling towards him is because I think I keep getting dreams about him.

Think.

I highlighted that part because most of the times after I wake up, I would have completely forgotten about who was in my dream but I will be able to remember that a significant guy played a major role in them. And I don't even know what my dreams were about.

I just have a nagging feeling that says that it's Prince and somehow, that doesn't settle quite so well in my mind.

I tried to get obsessed over Al (some people are even encouraging me to make the first move) but I just couldn't.

Just now though, I got to a point where I felt like my heart was beating for him but then I realised it's only because I long to feel the proximity of someone special so that there is real skinship between us.

But that short feeling for him manifested into a short story that I wasted an hour on. It sounds incredibly yucky I must tell you but I really didn't care about how I wrote it out because I just wanted to express the emotions that I wanted to feel, even if it wasn't in a very literature-esque manner. If I feel like it, I will post it up here, for laughs, cause I might lose that notebook one day and it'd be a shame to let such a silly piece of imagination to have gotten lost.

Out of my four sisters, I firmly believe that I'm the biggest romantic and thus it goes by some contradicting rule that they have all experienced relationships and I have not. Oh the world is a funny place. Sometimes I even think that it's okay to be single forever and to have never experienced a thing.

But I know that I really want to experience that kind of floral sensation.

And now back to my ventilated crawl spaces. Life isn't exciting at the moment but I guess it's to prepare me for something extremely happy or the other way round.

As busy as a bee

I find my brain so terribly masochistic. I got a dream about Prince yesterday and I completely forgot what happened in the dream but I do know for sure that my hopes got raised up high in that dream so that when I woke up in real life they came crashing back down.

It is pretty surprising though that I got that dream of him yesterday when I wasn't even thinking about him a lot yesterday since I was busy as hell, helping out at the exhibition... As a bride.

Oh gosh, the sheer embarrassment of having to sit down on a chair on stage with a fake as hell smile and do nothing is absolutely painful.

But there are tiny perks here and there (people saying 'sayonara' and 'konichiwa' to me because they think I'm Japanese, kids thinking I'm a princess, people calling me pretty; which to be honest I don't mind but I do know they're lying).

But this blog is about guys (more or less) so I will skip all of the events regarding those situations and go on to the apparently more "important topics".

Maybe it's just because of the thick make-up (concealing bad skin and eye bags), or the pink outfit, or the heels, or the hair but people kept looking at me, Asian guys in particular.

Our performance group was passing by the stall representing China when I happened to look at a couple of guys there and I noticed that one guy was staring at me like I was some kind of ghost or something (probably a right assumption there) and then he said something to his other friends and they began to turn around and look at me. I gave them another glance and then our group left.

So on that occasion, I thought I got their attention because of my heels and pink dress and I immediately squashed my hopes using that.

When we finally reached our stall, I changed after a few minutes so that I could go and walk around with one of my friends (I was the youngest volunteer there, the next youngest one being 32) and then I went out of the changing room and I waited around for her and that was when I noticed that the Chinese lion dance group was sitting at one of the tables at the mess hall in front of us.

I was about to avert my gaze when I noticed that a guy was looking at me and again he said something to his friend and his friend turned in my direction and looked as well. Surprisingly, they kept looking for a long time, longer than I expected, and they still kept looking after my friend and I left.

So on that occasion, I think that I got their attention because I still had my make-up on.

Oh the shock they'll get when they see how I really go about in real life. They'll probably leave me  within 10 seconds.

The big surprise here is that I don't feel flattered by this, rather a bit sad.

Why?

Because it further confirms that Prince had no interest in me because he never looked at me in that way and for the rest of evening, that was one of the few things that remained in my mind.

I'm scared that I'll see him there and how I'll react if I do.

I kept imagining that he's in the crowd, worst yet if he's with his girlfriend.

I'm sure as hell that my reaction will be priceless.

I do find that I can get attracted to people quite easily (my 17-year-old Italian fake spouse for example) as long as I think of them several times but somehow I just can't allow myself to do so at the moment.

Nevertheless, I'm going to sleep now and then I'll wake up early to do some Math exercises hopefully.

Slowly reverting

I kind of feel like things are slowly starting to go back to how they used to be between Prince and I and I am quite happy with that.

For one, he sat in front of Yu and I today and I got to be near him on several occasions when the professor was doing the reviews today. He and Carl also stayed back a bit after class ended to discuss things so in that room there was only them, Yu and I, and two other people.

Yu and I wanted to leave for lunch first but we decided to go and sit with the other two people, one guy of which is Prince's friend, and as Prince and Carl was about to leave, they came by that table to say bye and at that moment we made eye-contact as we said "Ciao".

And when I mean eye-contact, I mean the kind of eye-contact that we used to exchange, the one with some kind of weird aura and tension but as soon as I said "Ciao" and held his gaze for one second, I looked away and he walked out of the classroom.

I do think that Carl is getting over me as well which is good. I didn't even look in his direction when he left.

In fact, I pretty much felt like I was trying to vie for his attention or that I was trying to get a glimpse of him most of the time which is really sad actually.

And that's when I realised that my feelings for him are just too deep, so deep that I can't dig it back out.

For the most part, I really don't think that I am capable of falling for anyone at the moment (obviously) and in the long run; and by long run I mean probably a couple of months, years maybe, who knows?

I'm not sure how deep these feelings are for him because for all I know they are just a temporary facade that I think will last for a long time.

I will have to go soon for a dinner with my friends and I'm Skyping with June at the moment as well.

Ah well, I wonder where life will lead me in the coming days.

P.S. I had a weird dream this morning about Prince writing a post on my Facebook wall saying something like "I'll try to love you" and for a minute I really thought that it was real but when I woke up I knew it wasn't. I felt really shocked somehow because it was the first time that I've ever actually dreamt that the guy I liked (in my dream or in reality) used the word 'love'. Oh reality, you're such a bubble breaker. But today was a nice day anyway hahaha.

A little too late

I was in a really weird mood the whole day.

I bought a book and ate lunch by myself while reading it after meeting up with Yu for awhile and somehow, I couldn't relax on the contrary, I got more tensed up and agitated while reading the book. It's called 20 Fragments of a Ravenous Youth by Xiaolu Guo. I plan to do more excursions like these every week, hopefully.

But anyway, the reason I was like that is most probably because of the odd dream that I had today.

And why was it odd?

Usually, when I dream of guys, I usually find myself being the one who chases after them but the one I had today was sort of like the opposite.

I dreamt that I was in some kind of class and I got talking with a guy who is the brother to a guy that I was interested in, in that dream that is. Funny thing is that the guy I was interested in kind of shape-shifted every now and then between a guy that has no resemblance to any guy I've ever seen or met before and Prince.

I talked with the brother because it didn't seem as though the guy I was interested in was interested in me so I was like "It's okay, whatever, just go with the flow." My sisters soon joined in the conversation and they exchanged sly looks among themselves and I couldn't really get why.

Until the guy I was interested in came over and just sat down in front of me and we began to talk.

Come to think of it, he looked a bit like Ray from C-CLOWN as well hahaha.

Anyway, it got to the point where we were both alone and then he asked me out so I asked for his number and told him that I would miscall him so that he would have my number and then we arranged a date which I sort of think we set it for today, the 17th of April, after my meeting with Yu.

How easy it is for me to mix up fantasies and real life hahahaha.

But I never did call the guy and when I woke, I found myself regretting that I didn't.

It kind of bothered me the whole day I guess.

Looking to find me ranting about Prince? Sorry to let your hopes down today but I don't really feel like going to that place for now. Those feelings are still hanging on, sadly, and all I can do is have regret nagging away my sanity.

Yeah, typing that out just made me space out a few seconds.

Hopefully tomorrow goes well and I can strengthen our friendship just a tiny bit more.

Attached

I guess I really have no idea how much I like him. In fact, I still don't even want to type out the word "liked" instead of "like".

I got a dream of him last night and yet again, it just revolved around the both of us talking like we were really good friends and it felt really comfortable talking with him and yes, as wrong as this sounds, it felt really right that we were talking.

Can I be extremely, tremendously selfish for once and wish that he would like me?

No, I can't. The guilty feeling that I get after wishing for that is too heavy to bear.

I mean, his girlfriend must really like him and he must really treasure her as well. I can't go about ruining two other people's happiness for the sake of my own.

I actually felt quite okay last night about not being able to have gotten closer with Prince in the past months but whoosh here comes those feelings of regret again.

"Why?"

There're too many 'why's in my head now and I'd really like to drown them all out but it's really hard.

It got so bad this morning that there was a point where I really felt like I was about to cry.

"If only."

There're too many of those too. I keep thinking about the quote I read yesterday by Albert Einstein "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" which goes to say that the next time I am attracted to someone, I actually have to do some action, a different one from the ones I did before.

I think it took me roughly 3 months to get over Law but that was easy to do I guess since I hardly saw him throughout the time I liked him, I hardly talked with him, and he wasn't in college anymore when I started to become more obvious. This time, I have no idea how long I will keep this feeling in me before I feel it's okay to let go.

I really don't want to do anything productive now.

I still wonder if whether or not he was ever interested in me. I regret not sitting next to him during the Elements of Architecture exam but everything happens for a reason so I must just continue to look forward as often as I can.

Like a fluffy piece of cotton

My sister, Rainie, finally came! :D And surprisingly, or not, I wasn't a socially awkward penguin with her friends. I guess I am making some progress in the social area. :)

On the train ride from Bergamo to Milan, Rainie began to publicly discuss about Prince and even though I did mind it a bit, I wasn't pissed or anything like that. In fact, even when she and her friend began to say that Carl was really cute (since he's European) and that I should choose him since he's interested in me and that Prince wasn't really that cute, I didn't mind it at all.

I proved them wrong however about Prince. I showed them another picture of him and they began showering compliments, saying that he looks like a Hong Kong singer (that was Rainie's friend and she doesn't know that he is from Hong Kong). AHAHAHAHAHAHA. XD

Rainie was a bit worried for me about that because it seems as though I'm the only one initiating things (conversations and Facebook chats) and I can't blame her for that. In fact, sometimes I wonder if he even views me as a friend.

Just now though, while I was drawing away and doing my assignment, Rainie suddenly spoke to me.

Rainie: Beth. Beth!

Me: What?

Rainie: Prince commented on your photo.

Me: Huh? Really?

Rainie: Ya! Check it now!

And so I did and yeah he did.

It was a picture that I uploaded two hours ago that I tagged Yu in since it had the measurements for the building that we're studying now so I typed in "Measurements! :) Have a good holiday!" because she's taking off for France tomorrow.

Prince typed "pain in the ass". XD

I am shocked really, that he commented. This means that he does at least view me as someone he can communicate with through Facebook and I am happy about that.

I typed "Hahaha I know but what to do?"

When Rainie said that he commented on my photo I felt some kind of cotton candy like happiness forming inside me and amazingly, I didn't go into a hysterical euphoria unlike the time I liked Law and when he commented on my status. I'm experiencing more of a soft kind of joy somehow.

Speaking of which, I got another dream of Prince yesterday. I can't remember the content but I just know that I talked a lot with him. Funny how most of my dreams about him revolves around the both of us just talking.

Well, at least I know that he didn't forget me. I thought he already did. Really.

However, Rainie pointed out that he doesn't call me by my name. 

"So how does he know you?" 

Very true Rainie, very true. I have yet to hear him say my name.

I read back the early parts of my blog about Prince the day before yesterday and I can't help but feel a bit proud of myself for having come so far that it slightly scares me now, but I will not falter.

I will sleep now. It's late and I need to sleep and get some rest.

Thank you, God, for making me able to move forward step-by-step in the social arena.

Maybe the weather controls me

I wanted to post this up yesterday but my wifi was being crazy with me again so ha-ha-ha. =-=

Actually, nothing much happened yesterday.

He sat in the front row for once (I'm actually even more surprised that he turned up for that lecture) and he sat to  my north east but I controlled myself from looking at him too often.

During the break, he went in front to talk with the lecturer while I stayed at my desk because I wanted to finish my sketch for the tea house that we have to design.

One thing that I'm certain is that he doesn't hate me or anything like that because (and yes, even though this fact is insignificant) he leaned against the table next to mine. Then, he went of with some friends.

When break time was ending, I rubbed my hands together since it was starting to get really chilly and when he walked in and sat down, he also did the same and I felt like he was copying me. Also, I heard him crack his knuckles and that was the first time I ever heard anyone else except me cracking their knuckles. (I sound crazy, I know, for noticing all these tiny things).

I also felt like he wanted me to approach him at the end of the morning lecture but the feeling wasn't strong. In the afternoon though, he didn't sit in front and I thought that he didn't go for the lecture but when the lecture ended and I went in front of the classroom, I think he came along as well but I'm not sure about that since I didn't look at him at all but the next time I did, he was gone.

We both wore hoodies yesterday hahaha. A faded dark blue one at that. And most certainly, I did not look good at all yesterday.

I wasn't in the best of moods either yesterday and the weather then was really cold, wet and not really comfortable to be in.

But today, I felt different, at the very least, I felt a bit more happier than yesterday.

Maybe it's because I baked profiteroles today (I feel happy when I bake :D) or maybe because the sun was shining brightly today, but I just felt like no matter how crappy I'll be today, I'll be able to take things in a stride and be happy by the end of this day.

He came late for class but it didn't really matter since he was there. I felt like he looked at me every now and then and I came close to him and retreated from him at intervals as well.

And as much as I want to deny it, I baked the profiteroles for him, so that he could taste them. But I kept giving them out to people and so by the time I only had one left, he was just passing by a metre in front of me so I called out "Prince! Have one!" and stretched out my hand that was holding the container and he took the last profiterole and I don't remember him saying anything (maybe he said "Thanks") because I just remember making eye contact with him and looking at him slowly forming a smile, though it wasn't a big one.

He then walked back to the group he was talking with and I just watched him take a bite out of it and I had to look away otherwise I'd be smiling and grinning too stupidly. Tia also texted me, thanking me for the profiterole, and said "Prince is going to enjoy it :)" not knowing that I did give it to him and I just squealed for goodness knows what. Thank goodness I was already at home that time.

To get my nerves out though, I offered one to Carl and then he began talking with me about Bamboo tablets (It was around this time when Prince passed by in front of me). I actually thought that he lost interest in me already but looks like my suspicion has been raised to 80% already. I'm treating him nicely like a friend though. I treat all guys the same way.

But now, I honestly couldn't care what other people might say, I want to pay a bit more attention to Prince when I talk with him. I want to talk with him more and even if he can obviously see that I'm interested in him, I won't care too much and just persevere. One must be brave in facing risks, even if it will hurt you.

Also, I got a dream about Prince again last night. I really can't remember how it went but I am thankful that I got that dream somehow. I hope that it means something good.

Almost slipped my mind

Yeah, I almost forgot about this.

I dreamt about Prince last night and I knew I was dreaming and I kept promising to myself to remember all the details that was so crystal clear in the dream but when I woke up I was in a daze.

So from what I can recall, we were in a big lecture theatre with steep rows and somehow after the lecture we ended up sitting next to each other with a couple of friends. Gradually the whole class emptied and it was just the two of us.

And again, I wasn't sure what our relationship was although my mind keeps saying it was something like marriage but for what I'm sure of, we weren't just friends.

And again, I just remember talking to him for such a long time and I really can't remember about what. I just knew that we were really having fun and that we laughed a lot.

And that's basically it.

I'm getting more dreams about him compared to the time when I liked Law. Maybe it's because I see him more than I see Law.

But yeah, that's it for now hahaha.

Almost crystal clear

I got another dream about him and this time it was almost crystal clear and I can still remember parts of it despite the fact that I've been awake for an hour now which is odd cause I'm one those people who forgets almost everything she dreamt of.

June said to me that when you dream about someone it means that that person is thinking of you and as much as I'd like to believe that it is true I'm sure you'd agree that it's actually the other way round.

So here's how it went, or at least, the beginning of what I can remember.

He was with me and my family on an outing but my mom wasn't there and my dad wanted to go around by himself so he was in charge of all of us. I think all my other siblings were younger versions of themselves but the both of us were at our present age.

What I do remember the most is that it was like a Japanese fireworks festival setting, with all the open air stalls and lanterns and I could see shrines and it was late evening or maybe it was night.

So we walked around a lot, the rest of them being playful like kids while he and I just talked and it felt so so so comfortable talking with him. It felt so real and our words just flowed easily.

When it was time to go back, my siblings pestered him to buy something for them (I think it was a cake) and I joined in as well and somehow all my informal slang came out as well and he was pretty amused. We didn't buy anything though so we walked up some stone steps to where our dad was and then we all got into the car.

Both of us sat in the back with Summer and at first we were talking but my dad demanded silence so he started texting with me. We were talking about books if I'm not mistaken and I was teasing him a bit. In the end we both just whispered and smothered our laughs.

I woke up after that and I felt much more refreshed compared to the previous mornings I woke up.

Also, I don't think I will give up on him easily. Why?

Last night I was wasting time on Omegle and I began chatting with a nice enough guy who was interesting. But even though he was, I just kept thinking of Prince the whole time.

I asked the guy questions regarding relationships and he told me that if a guy does make a first move like chat you up first, there is something in you that he's interested in. Physically, mentally, I have no idea.

Sometimes I wish I sat next to Prince during the exam but if I did, I'd have never been able to do last minute studying on the topic that I thought she wouldn't ask me but she did.

Maybe he was waiting for me to talk? I don't know.

I can only hope that I'll be able to talk with him the next time I see him.

Short

Saw him briefly today and when I came in he looked up for awhile but quickly looked back down.

I was afraid of sitting alone but luckily I saw Isa so I sat next to her and he was in front of us. And yeah, I didn't talk with him because I didn't know what to say.

I feel a bit sorry for him though cause he didn't sit with a group of people. Maybe it's because he doesn't come to class often that he isn't able to bond with other people well enough. I think I'd like to be his friend. He seems nice.

Also, I had a dream about him last night but they were like bits and pieces and I just remember seeing his name everywhere.

That's it for now. I need to study.

Why hello... Again

I had another dream about Prince again last night and I have no idea why.

Maybe it's cause just before I went to sleep, I checked out his Facebook page but that was it. I didn't meet him and neither did I think about him all day (cause I was too preoccupied with watching danisnotonfire videos XD).

Strangely enough, I can remember this dream a bit more vividly than the previous ones that I had.

I think the dream started off by him sleeping over at our grandparent's place and him and my siblings (and I think my cousins) slept on the floor in the kitchen house (technically a house that has our kitchen and as royal as that sounds, it's pretty small).

I remember waking up and looking outside through huge windows and I saw the universe, like literally the universe. But they were mosaic-like and for some weird reason, everyone could see everything clearly but I couldn't cause I was the only one who saw these mosaic-like things. It was still beautiful and I got really mesmerized by it.

I think throughout his stay there, I talked with him a couple of times but I'm not exactly sure what about.

What I do remember most is that while I was looking at the universe, he called my name out loud and I turned to look at him and he smiled and I couldn't help but think "Wow, he knows my name and this is the first time that he initiated a conversation."

Of course I didn't realise it was a dream but I was happy all the same and we talked more after that.

There was also a part when my grandpa's spirit possessed me (he's not dead yet in real life, thankfully) but that is a whole different story hahaha.

It's at moments like these that I think back to that day when he came over to my table with one of my guy friends before he left. I still wonder why he did that.

Also, I can't help but feel that around the time that we just became Facebook acquaintances and I posted a YouTube video up, he also posted one up and said "Say something about this." And I don't know why but I felt like he was talking with me. 

Felt.

Doesn't mean that it's true.

I wonder if he will even remember me the next time we see each other. I have no idea really.

I really find him interesting, to be very honest. He doesn't seem like the type to smoke and he really does have this overall good aura around him.

I just wish that there was a way for me to actually get to know him properly, not only by ways of reaching out to the people around him.

Maybe a bit out of hand

Maybe it's cause I saw Acia unexpectedly on the bus yesterday (she was going to go clubbing with some other guys from our class), or maybe I've just been thinking about Prince too much that I got another dream about him. And not just any normal dream.

In the past, whenever I had dreams about people that I am interested in, the events that unfold in the dreams were somewhat like a day to day experience like meeting them outside of school and whatnot but in all of them, I never dreamt that I was their girlfriend or anything special like that.

And last night, I dreamt I married Prince.

Oh my sick brain. What the hell is wrong with you.

In that dream, I knew it was a dream and I could remember every single event clearly but when I woke up, it's as though someone placed a veil over that part in my memory so that even the colours seem dark and blurry.

From what I can remember, and sadly not much...

.........

Oh gosh, I can't remember at all! TT^^TT

I think I have a basic storyline and I can only remember one certain event but it isn't much good.

I think that we were somewhere outside at night and my sisters were there and I was talking with him. Then, the next thing I know, we're getting married (although I don't think I remember us having a ceremony).

I think that we liked each other before getting married, it was just that we didn't know how to reach each other so when we married, it was slightly awkward since we barely had time to get to know each other well but we both held on to it.

The one event that I remember is that we were in a house (not sure who's one) and then he was going to go down the stairs and I said something to him, adding the word "Darling" before the sentence, just to see how he would respond.

Then he stopped and smiled and looked at me and said "Maybe we're not ready for that yet but I think we'll be able to do that in the future." Then he continued down before he stopped again, looked up, stretched out his hand to touch mine and said "I'll miss you."

I think I stretched out my hand as well but I really can't recall whether or not I took his hand.

There're certain things that I remember, like me being very close to him or like the both of us holding hands, him smiling and grinning.

The weird thing about this dream is that it went on for a long time, even though this summary is super short.

It even continued when I woke up twice and went back to sleep, the first time was because I wanted to sleep (and I didn't expect the dream to continue) and the second time was because I wanted to see if I'd still get the same dream.

Yeah, it's a pity I'm such a coward.

Probably because I'm back in Italy

Or maybe it's cause I can't wait to see him.

Again, I got another dream about him last night and the only thing different about it this time was that I got to see his face more clearly.

It was a split second moment though and the only thing I can remember is looking at his face profile before we made eye contact and that was when I woke up at 5.30 am because of jet lag.

I just hope that I will get the chance to talk with him one day but of course I'm not going to focus too much on him. Exams are coming in February and I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

It'd be nice to see him again, that much for sure.

So it's either I'll get to see him on Wednesday or maybe the next since I have no idea what he did for his holidays, where he went, and when he'll be coming back.

Until then, I must become even more pretty for him.

Dependency

I have the feeling that I am just hitting puberty at this age right now. What a laugh.

Suddenly I'm buying feminine clothes I would have normally run away from this exact moment last year. And now I actually care how I look.

That being said, I definitely don't want to gain anymore than I already have. Hopefully I'll be able to lose weight in the coming year, at least by 5 kg.

Anyway, coming to the real subject here, I got a fairly odd dream last night and it wasn't about Prince or even Law or Red or Victor or about any other guy in this blog.

It was about a guy in the hunger camp I went to in August who was the leader of that camp.

The main thing that I remember is that he liked me, or something like that, and he wanted to show me around his campus. While he was doing that, he had his arm around me the whole time and my head was on his chest the whole time.

Sick, I know.

But I felt really secure... somehow?

I think it's cause all this time, people have always been relying on me (even when they're supposed to be the one to lead the way) and I have never felt comfortable putting a job in anyone's hands since I can't trust people to handle certain things easily.

For instance, with Isa and Yu, I can't trust them with our group project even though they're both older than me.

When I think about the dream I had last night, I can't help but wonder how it'll feel like to finally be able to depend on someone else and to feel like they can take care of me.

Mainly speaking about guys here.

But I guess this feeling will have to prolong for a while longer since I must concentrate on my studies.

I'll be able to see Prince soon! :) And for that I am really thankful for.

I must do my best to look prettier for him! :)

Third time's a charm, among other things

I meant to post this up earlier but I didn't get to.

The thing here is, I dreamt about Prince again. And that was the night after the night I had the second dream. In other words, I dreamt about him 3 days in a row. Seriously, am I that attracted to him?

However, when I get back to university life, I am definitely not going to spend too much of my time focusing on him because I really want to study hard and I have so many things to attend to. I feel like crying and all but really there's no use to that.

In the wee morning hours of Boxing Day, my sisters and I became house elves (because we were clearing the dishes away and putting the house straight after the Christmas dinner) and we began talking about relationships and all of that since all of them are currently (more or less) in a relationship and they all have a whole lot of experience.

Yeah, initially I felt jealous and whatnot but then Skye said that we shouldn't expect things too much and one way or another, the right one will come along. Rainie also chimed in since it really happened to her. Somehow, their words put me at rest.

Thus, and I hope, I won't be too shallow minded and I will not concentrate too much on these things. As much as I want to be in a relationship, if it isn't meaningful and if it doesn't improve myself, then there isn't much use for me to be in one.

I think, for now, it's okay to harbour a minor crush on Prince but I really shouldn't expect too much unless something does happen. And, I guess, it's okay to hope for something but I shouldn't really expect for something to suddenly happen.

I shall now go off to sleep and hopefully I'll be able to do my project tomorrow.

And another

I dreamt about him again last night but I completely forgot all the details.

Wow, am I really that attracted to him or something? I mean, this never did happened for me when I liked Law.

I chatted with a guy friend of mine on Facebook and when I talked about Prince, I didn't get as hyper as I used to be when I used to like Law. I guess I'm finally coming to my senses about this whole romantic thing.

When I get back though I'll be focusing more of my attention on studying a lot so hopefully nothing will distract me too much.

To bed now. Good night. :)

Mysterious

I'm not sure if it's because I didn't see him for a week or if it's because yesterday was a Thursday but I got a dream about Prince. It was extremely odd and it's probably just my brain going on a hyper mode.

For some weird reason, I was back in my old primary school and there we were in a classroom with some of my past and recent classmates. Then, one of my old classmates (who was sitting next to him) went to me and asked for my help with Automation Engineering (it's not even a real subject unlike Physics =-=) and wanted me to sit next to her and explain stuff to her after we went to a mini sports festival, giving me the knowing look all the while.

I didn't want to be a chicken and run away (which is what I always do in all of my dreams) so I agreed. Then after the sports festival, we had to clean up stuff so a couple of other guys, him, and myself cleaned the place up. He went off earlier though since I was so preoccupied with talking to some other people who came along to help.

When I got back to class, I completely forgot about helping my friend and when I finally took a seat and remembered, I woke up.

It's pretty odd. :|

One of these days I'll draw a picture of Law and Prince. Just for the heck of it.

But I finally found a celebrity who looks like Law!

Introducing Ray of C-Clown! New celebrity crush! :D

Yeah, in some angles, he almost looks like Law.

Well now I have to go do some cleaning up before I get a head start on my project of which, I'm a bit worried about. Things aren't turning out the way that I wanted.

Also, I just got a haircut! Hopefully it'll grow out a bit before I go back to Milan. :)

I Will Forget You... perhaps...

A stranger on Omegle advised me to forget about Law because I'll only hurt myself by wrapping up myself in illusions.


What he said is true but I just want to be his friend for now, not become his girl friend.


Funny thing is, last night after I decided that I'd try to at least let him fade a bit to the back of my memories, I immediately got another dream about him.


For some reason, he was jealous and there's more to the whole story (Angel was there too) but the important bit was that someway or another, we eventually began talking with each other.


We talked at top speed about a whole lot of things, like we were finally making that connection.


I don't really remember what it was that we were talking about but I just remember that both of us sat in armchairs, side-by-side, looking at each other and chattering away excitedly.


There was an umbrella between us and somehow, our fingers met underneath that umbrella and I could really feel his fingers in my dream. They were really soft.


I wonder if I should text him this coming Sunday. I feel like I made it a kind of ritual already.


I know that he doesn't care much about me, but, I would really like to become his friend, not only a junior he knows. That isn't really too much to ask is it?


But I know, deep inside me, I still do like him. I really do.


And it hurts to think that there is a possibility that I might have to let go of him.