It's already bad enough that I have to give up on Prince because he has a girlfriend.
I really don't need him to make it worse for me, even though it's highly unintentional.
There I was with Tia, about to go to our project's site to do another thorough survey, when Carl and Prince suddenly appeared in front of us.
Naturally I felt a bit happy that Prince was there but Carl kind of spoilt it in a way.
Carl kept talking to me and by habit I gave eye contact and I just talked with him normally, if not almost without a care.
I'm glad that Prince said a few more words than usual and he spoke a bit more louder. It seems as though we could become friends with Carl being our only link sadly.
And then while Carl was still talking, Prince said that he needed to go away to do something and almost immediately Carl got up and followed him. And up until then, I thought that they were just being friendly and I thought that Carl already gave up on me.
Oh gosh why. Why why why why why???
Why can't it happen that the guy I like actually likes me and not some other kid that I have no interest in at all?????
They didn't even bother to talk to Tia which is quite rude but it shows that they actually wanted to approach me, even if it was for the wrong reasons.
Never mind. I'll just wait for someone that I find interesting to me to come along.
Showing posts with label progress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label progress. Show all posts
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Skirts
Boy do I have a heck load of assignments to finish! In fact, I shouldn't even be on here but I want to update this blog since I won't be here for the next three days since I'll be in Switzerland and Liechtenstein for our class trip. I really do hope Prince and I will be able to become more friendlier and more comfortable with each other.
I went to class very early today because I wanted to do a wire transfer before going to class but I couldn't because it can only be done online (which I am slightly panicking about now since I don't have a specific card that I really need now).
I wore a very nice outfit today, one that I had planned to wear to class since December (sad I know right?). It consists of a cream white cardigan, a black top, a short white skirt with gold flowers on it and grey tights along with my old Converses.
And yes, I felt pretty good about my appearance today and my confidence got a little boost from Xia because she said I looked very sweet today.
I was the first one in class and I began reading some Physics notes which I need for one of my assignments and somehow I caught myself thinking "What if Prince doesn't come today? It'll be such a waste for a good outfit!" and I am really not the type of girl who normally thinks like that. All I wanted was for him to see me looking good.
Much to my surprise, he came very early, earlier than Yu and Xia even. I think he was third person to enter the classroom and at first he sat in front of me, his usual seat but then he moved far away.
And immediately I felt really sad and depressed and tired, like the all-nighter I did last night went to waste.
You can 100% bet that my spirits immediately sank and I began thinking that he really hated me and was avoiding me.
During the break, I really did want to go talk with him, especially since Carl wasn't there, but I just couldn't so I hung out around Tia instead who was sitting quite near him.
My mood got worse when I saw him talking a lot with Carl and I just felt really mad with myself.
For that whole morning, I really felt like there was a really bad energy between us. We didn't even make eye-contact when we each had to present our idea for our project in class which is odd since we almost always do.
It was as though there was something between us and I don't know about him but I was aware of it.
Like when we standing across each other, we sometimes copied each other's movements and I really felt that he glanced my way once or twice but we were kind of wary of each other.
By lunch break I couldn't stand it anymore. I was being so pitiful with myself and that was when I realised that I was just as foolish as those manga heroines that I always curse since they don't attempt to clear up the situation so I decided that I wanted to talk with him.
So I stood up and walked over to his place (Carl had already gone home and Prince was taking his time to pack up) and I asked him if he was going home already and he said no and we talked for awhile about the lecture that afternoon and I felt like my English was becoming slightly less formal and he was relaxing as well.
He smiled a lot and we even kind of made a small joke and I sure am pretty obvious now because when he said that he was coming back later I said to him "See you later!" before I left him standing there, most probably dumbstruck by how obvious I am being.
I really observed him while I was being depressed though and I kept thinking: "Why the hell did I fall for him?" He isn't very hot and he isn't a very good speaker but something in him just attracts me somehow because I feel like he is kind of like the guy version of myself.
You see, the only reason why I actually dared to go and talk to him during the lunch break is because he looked at Yu and I's drawing as he was re-entering the classroom (I was sitting right in front of the class next to the door) and it was obvious that he was looking so when that happened I couldn't help but smile and sigh in relief. If it was me, I think I would've done the same to show someone that I don't hate them. Assuming he doesn't hate me that is.
So after lunch break I really wanted to go over and talk to him because he was alone (he and Acia really don't talk a lot anymore) but I couldn't since I was already talking with some other people so I kept waiting and by the time I had the courage to, Carl was back and I didn't want to go there anymore. Carl shaved his hair off by the way.
After that, everyone left just looked at drawings and when I finally felt brave enough (because there were so few people there) I stood next to him but after that I had to go since Yu was calling me.
Yu and I had to go out though while another group was presenting their project to discuss ours and I was really a bit disappointed cause I wanted to talk with Prince, I really did.
Carl came out of the room while Yu and I were talking and he glanced our way and my heart cheered that he was going home without Prince but no, he just had to turn back after walking down the hall and he walked back inside the classroom and then he came out with Prince and he said "Good bye, Beth" and Prince mumbled something but honestly, need I say who I was actually looking at?
I said "Good bye, guys! See you tomorrow!" and at that point both of them turned around, Carl a major turn while Prince did a minor one.
However, I only looked at Prince and yet again, he had the uncertain look on his face although he was smiling slightly. I don't know, maybe he was expecting me to talk with him, I just don't know.
I hope that I'll get to sit somewhere near him on the bus tomorrow. :)
That's it for now, I have to go take a shower and get right into drawing!!!!!
Busy busy busy. But I sure am progressing and hopefully in the right way.
I would like to think that we have some kind of secret bond that only the both of us know but that is just wishful thinking.
P.S. I can't believe I missed out this part. And it's the title of my blog post as well haih... But anyway, due to the fact that I was wearing a skirt and tights, people (guys, generally) kept on looking at my legs and I don't know if that is because they look good or if they're just thick but it felt reassuring to know that I can get people's attention with the outfit I'm wearing.
The important part here is that I know that even though Prince cares about his looks and style, he is definitely not gay.
How?
At the beginning of the lunch break, while the professor was talking with some girls about their models, I had to go over to the professor to ask some questions and Prince and Carl were both approaching the professor as well.
I think it's because it's the first time that he's ever seen me in anything else but jeans and skinnies so when I stood next to the professor, awaiting my turn impatiently while fidgeting my leg up and down, I saw from the corner of my eyes that as Prince was approaching, his eyes looked down and he looked at my legs. For quite some time. So I shifted my legs and turned my head and he quickly looked away.
The fact that he looked doesn't really gross me out somehow. Maybe it's cause it's him. Maybe it's because the way that he was looking at them wasn't like the gaze of a molester, more like someone in shock.
Yeah, I sound so full of myself right now and I hate it but I'm just typing out the truth. And now I really got to get moving.
I went to class very early today because I wanted to do a wire transfer before going to class but I couldn't because it can only be done online (which I am slightly panicking about now since I don't have a specific card that I really need now).
I wore a very nice outfit today, one that I had planned to wear to class since December (sad I know right?). It consists of a cream white cardigan, a black top, a short white skirt with gold flowers on it and grey tights along with my old Converses.
And yes, I felt pretty good about my appearance today and my confidence got a little boost from Xia because she said I looked very sweet today.
I was the first one in class and I began reading some Physics notes which I need for one of my assignments and somehow I caught myself thinking "What if Prince doesn't come today? It'll be such a waste for a good outfit!" and I am really not the type of girl who normally thinks like that. All I wanted was for him to see me looking good.
Much to my surprise, he came very early, earlier than Yu and Xia even. I think he was third person to enter the classroom and at first he sat in front of me, his usual seat but then he moved far away.
And immediately I felt really sad and depressed and tired, like the all-nighter I did last night went to waste.
You can 100% bet that my spirits immediately sank and I began thinking that he really hated me and was avoiding me.
During the break, I really did want to go talk with him, especially since Carl wasn't there, but I just couldn't so I hung out around Tia instead who was sitting quite near him.
My mood got worse when I saw him talking a lot with Carl and I just felt really mad with myself.
For that whole morning, I really felt like there was a really bad energy between us. We didn't even make eye-contact when we each had to present our idea for our project in class which is odd since we almost always do.
It was as though there was something between us and I don't know about him but I was aware of it.
Like when we standing across each other, we sometimes copied each other's movements and I really felt that he glanced my way once or twice but we were kind of wary of each other.
By lunch break I couldn't stand it anymore. I was being so pitiful with myself and that was when I realised that I was just as foolish as those manga heroines that I always curse since they don't attempt to clear up the situation so I decided that I wanted to talk with him.
So I stood up and walked over to his place (Carl had already gone home and Prince was taking his time to pack up) and I asked him if he was going home already and he said no and we talked for awhile about the lecture that afternoon and I felt like my English was becoming slightly less formal and he was relaxing as well.
He smiled a lot and we even kind of made a small joke and I sure am pretty obvious now because when he said that he was coming back later I said to him "See you later!" before I left him standing there, most probably dumbstruck by how obvious I am being.
I really observed him while I was being depressed though and I kept thinking: "Why the hell did I fall for him?" He isn't very hot and he isn't a very good speaker but something in him just attracts me somehow because I feel like he is kind of like the guy version of myself.
You see, the only reason why I actually dared to go and talk to him during the lunch break is because he looked at Yu and I's drawing as he was re-entering the classroom (I was sitting right in front of the class next to the door) and it was obvious that he was looking so when that happened I couldn't help but smile and sigh in relief. If it was me, I think I would've done the same to show someone that I don't hate them. Assuming he doesn't hate me that is.
So after lunch break I really wanted to go over and talk to him because he was alone (he and Acia really don't talk a lot anymore) but I couldn't since I was already talking with some other people so I kept waiting and by the time I had the courage to, Carl was back and I didn't want to go there anymore. Carl shaved his hair off by the way.
After that, everyone left just looked at drawings and when I finally felt brave enough (because there were so few people there) I stood next to him but after that I had to go since Yu was calling me.
Yu and I had to go out though while another group was presenting their project to discuss ours and I was really a bit disappointed cause I wanted to talk with Prince, I really did.
Carl came out of the room while Yu and I were talking and he glanced our way and my heart cheered that he was going home without Prince but no, he just had to turn back after walking down the hall and he walked back inside the classroom and then he came out with Prince and he said "Good bye, Beth" and Prince mumbled something but honestly, need I say who I was actually looking at?
I said "Good bye, guys! See you tomorrow!" and at that point both of them turned around, Carl a major turn while Prince did a minor one.
However, I only looked at Prince and yet again, he had the uncertain look on his face although he was smiling slightly. I don't know, maybe he was expecting me to talk with him, I just don't know.
I hope that I'll get to sit somewhere near him on the bus tomorrow. :)
That's it for now, I have to go take a shower and get right into drawing!!!!!
Busy busy busy. But I sure am progressing and hopefully in the right way.
I would like to think that we have some kind of secret bond that only the both of us know but that is just wishful thinking.
P.S. I can't believe I missed out this part. And it's the title of my blog post as well haih... But anyway, due to the fact that I was wearing a skirt and tights, people (guys, generally) kept on looking at my legs and I don't know if that is because they look good or if they're just thick but it felt reassuring to know that I can get people's attention with the outfit I'm wearing.
The important part here is that I know that even though Prince cares about his looks and style, he is definitely not gay.
How?
At the beginning of the lunch break, while the professor was talking with some girls about their models, I had to go over to the professor to ask some questions and Prince and Carl were both approaching the professor as well.
I think it's because it's the first time that he's ever seen me in anything else but jeans and skinnies so when I stood next to the professor, awaiting my turn impatiently while fidgeting my leg up and down, I saw from the corner of my eyes that as Prince was approaching, his eyes looked down and he looked at my legs. For quite some time. So I shifted my legs and turned my head and he quickly looked away.
The fact that he looked doesn't really gross me out somehow. Maybe it's cause it's him. Maybe it's because the way that he was looking at them wasn't like the gaze of a molester, more like someone in shock.
Yeah, I sound so full of myself right now and I hate it but I'm just typing out the truth. And now I really got to get moving.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Like a fluffy piece of cotton
My sister, Rainie, finally came! :D And surprisingly, or not, I wasn't a socially awkward penguin with her friends. I guess I am making some progress in the social area. :)
On the train ride from Bergamo to Milan, Rainie began to publicly discuss about Prince and even though I did mind it a bit, I wasn't pissed or anything like that. In fact, even when she and her friend began to say that Carl was really cute (since he's European) and that I should choose him since he's interested in me and that Prince wasn't really that cute, I didn't mind it at all.
I proved them wrong however about Prince. I showed them another picture of him and they began showering compliments, saying that he looks like a Hong Kong singer (that was Rainie's friend and she doesn't know that he is from Hong Kong). AHAHAHAHAHAHA. XD
Rainie was a bit worried for me about that because it seems as though I'm the only one initiating things (conversations and Facebook chats) and I can't blame her for that. In fact, sometimes I wonder if he even views me as a friend.
Just now though, while I was drawing away and doing my assignment, Rainie suddenly spoke to me.
On the train ride from Bergamo to Milan, Rainie began to publicly discuss about Prince and even though I did mind it a bit, I wasn't pissed or anything like that. In fact, even when she and her friend began to say that Carl was really cute (since he's European) and that I should choose him since he's interested in me and that Prince wasn't really that cute, I didn't mind it at all.
I proved them wrong however about Prince. I showed them another picture of him and they began showering compliments, saying that he looks like a Hong Kong singer (that was Rainie's friend and she doesn't know that he is from Hong Kong). AHAHAHAHAHAHA. XD
Rainie was a bit worried for me about that because it seems as though I'm the only one initiating things (conversations and Facebook chats) and I can't blame her for that. In fact, sometimes I wonder if he even views me as a friend.
Just now though, while I was drawing away and doing my assignment, Rainie suddenly spoke to me.
Rainie: Beth. Beth!
Me: What?
Rainie: Prince commented on your photo.
Me: Huh? Really?
Rainie: Ya! Check it now!
And so I did and yeah he did.
It was a picture that I uploaded two hours ago that I tagged Yu in since it had the measurements for the building that we're studying now so I typed in "Measurements! :) Have a good holiday!" because she's taking off for France tomorrow.
Prince typed "pain in the ass". XD
I am shocked really, that he commented. This means that he does at least view me as someone he can communicate with through Facebook and I am happy about that.
I typed "Hahaha I know but what to do?"
When Rainie said that he commented on my photo I felt some kind of cotton candy like happiness forming inside me and amazingly, I didn't go into a hysterical euphoria unlike the time I liked Law and when he commented on my status. I'm experiencing more of a soft kind of joy somehow.
Speaking of which, I got another dream of Prince yesterday. I can't remember the content but I just know that I talked a lot with him. Funny how most of my dreams about him revolves around the both of us just talking.
Well, at least I know that he didn't forget me. I thought he already did. Really.
However, Rainie pointed out that he doesn't call me by my name.
"So how does he know you?"
Very true Rainie, very true. I have yet to hear him say my name.
I read back the early parts of my blog about Prince the day before yesterday and I can't help but feel a bit proud of myself for having come so far that it slightly scares me now, but I will not falter.
I will sleep now. It's late and I need to sleep and get some rest.
Thank you, God, for making me able to move forward step-by-step in the social arena.
Friday, March 8, 2013
A process
I felt like posting this up yesterday but my apartment's wifi refuse to cooperate with me so here I am in the living room, my laptop attached to the router with a cable and I don't like this because I'm exposed to my other flatmates... Haih... But beggars can't be choosers so I guess this will also help me to not waste too much time online and to focus on studying and designing.
Anyway, I'm gradually making small progress in becoming friends with Prince.
Yesterday I came earlier than him and I wanted to sit next to either Yu or Xia but both of the seats next to them were taken so I had no choice but to sit a table apart from them. While I was talking with another classmate, Prince came in and took the seat in front of me so I felt a bit happy.
When I took my seat, I think he glanced behind for a second or so before he looked in front again. Then, while we were waiting for the lesson to start, I gathered my guts to ask him a question regarding one of the assignments we have for another course and, again, I called him by his name to get his attention and yeah, I feel a bit awkward about that but it's getting better.
I talked with him for a short while only since the guy next to him (one of my guy friends) joined in the conversation. Somehow I think that guy, Carl, is interested in me or something because he kind of stole the conversation away from Prince and he kept trying to make conversation with me and all that but it's too early to tell.
Prince didn't really talk much with me. Maybe it's because he was sick and that was one of the times I wish that I had tissues with me which is a girly nature I never seem to be able to keep.
But he talked some with other people, mainly guys, but he talked with Yu for a short while as well and I couldn't help but feel jealous. =-=
I also didn't want to seem too eager to talk with him so I asked Carl a question instead of him at one point even though I know that he has more experience than Carl.
Also at another point, both of them were chatting but I didn't pay too much attention to it while I was drawing but then they both turned behind so I took off my earphones and asked them what they wanted and then Carl asked me some stuff about the exercise while Prince just kept quiet. Then, Prince turned in front so I was left talking with Carl.
Well, from what I can analyse, Prince is okay with approaching me but not yet at the part where he can just talk to me freely, but, I guess that's okay and that it'll only take time before we get any closer to each other.
There's going to be a class field trip for 3 days and 2 nights around the North East side of Italy and we're even going to Austria if I'm not mistaken. I hope that something good will come out of this, not only academic-wise but also in becoming Prince's friend.
I forgot to mention that Acia is also in our class. I can already see that Prince, Acia, and another girl, will become one group together and because of that I'm envious of her and I can only hope that I will be able to get closer to Prince, more than her.
I don't know why but I just hope Prince realise that I'm interested in him, of course not like Law's case but hopefully in a much more nice turnout, like, at least he'll still think of me as a friend or something like that.
I wonder if I'm good enough for him. I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. I wonder if he finds me interesting.
It will be the day when he'll be the one to come up to me and to begin a conversation with me but until then I guess it'll just be me trying to subtly and gradually close this gap between us.
And even though this was meant to be a short post, my flatmate's girlfriend just came out and is eating breakfast so I just wanted to appear busy, typing away. XD Yeah, it's pretty funny because she doesn't know about me writing/typing this down while she's over there, munching on something that I don't know of because I'm afraid to look up and make eye contact.
I guess some things about me will never change and I will do my best to be the best me that I can ever be. :)
P.S. I just realised something. I think both of my flatmates are going out with each other. That's why the girlfriend went inside the other room. Oh gosh I'm so ignorant. =-=
Anyway, I'm gradually making small progress in becoming friends with Prince.
Yesterday I came earlier than him and I wanted to sit next to either Yu or Xia but both of the seats next to them were taken so I had no choice but to sit a table apart from them. While I was talking with another classmate, Prince came in and took the seat in front of me so I felt a bit happy.
When I took my seat, I think he glanced behind for a second or so before he looked in front again. Then, while we were waiting for the lesson to start, I gathered my guts to ask him a question regarding one of the assignments we have for another course and, again, I called him by his name to get his attention and yeah, I feel a bit awkward about that but it's getting better.
I talked with him for a short while only since the guy next to him (one of my guy friends) joined in the conversation. Somehow I think that guy, Carl, is interested in me or something because he kind of stole the conversation away from Prince and he kept trying to make conversation with me and all that but it's too early to tell.
Prince didn't really talk much with me. Maybe it's because he was sick and that was one of the times I wish that I had tissues with me which is a girly nature I never seem to be able to keep.
But he talked some with other people, mainly guys, but he talked with Yu for a short while as well and I couldn't help but feel jealous. =-=
I also didn't want to seem too eager to talk with him so I asked Carl a question instead of him at one point even though I know that he has more experience than Carl.
Also at another point, both of them were chatting but I didn't pay too much attention to it while I was drawing but then they both turned behind so I took off my earphones and asked them what they wanted and then Carl asked me some stuff about the exercise while Prince just kept quiet. Then, Prince turned in front so I was left talking with Carl.
Well, from what I can analyse, Prince is okay with approaching me but not yet at the part where he can just talk to me freely, but, I guess that's okay and that it'll only take time before we get any closer to each other.
There's going to be a class field trip for 3 days and 2 nights around the North East side of Italy and we're even going to Austria if I'm not mistaken. I hope that something good will come out of this, not only academic-wise but also in becoming Prince's friend.
I forgot to mention that Acia is also in our class. I can already see that Prince, Acia, and another girl, will become one group together and because of that I'm envious of her and I can only hope that I will be able to get closer to Prince, more than her.
I don't know why but I just hope Prince realise that I'm interested in him, of course not like Law's case but hopefully in a much more nice turnout, like, at least he'll still think of me as a friend or something like that.
I wonder if I'm good enough for him. I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. I wonder if he finds me interesting.
It will be the day when he'll be the one to come up to me and to begin a conversation with me but until then I guess it'll just be me trying to subtly and gradually close this gap between us.
And even though this was meant to be a short post, my flatmate's girlfriend just came out and is eating breakfast so I just wanted to appear busy, typing away. XD Yeah, it's pretty funny because she doesn't know about me writing/typing this down while she's over there, munching on something that I don't know of because I'm afraid to look up and make eye contact.
I guess some things about me will never change and I will do my best to be the best me that I can ever be. :)
P.S. I just realised something. I think both of my flatmates are going out with each other. That's why the girlfriend went inside the other room. Oh gosh I'm so ignorant. =-=
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