Delusional

Prince just keeps shocking me day by day. He turned up for the morning lecture today as well, although he was really extremely late but he was there alright.

During the afternoon lecture, he sat at one side of the hall while I sat at the other.

I really felt like utter crap today so when our lecturer asked us to make groups of five or six, I just gave up completely on being the first to make the move but luckily, for once someone came to find me and I got into a reasonably enjoyable group in the end.

When the time came for us to present it, my group pestered me to go and present it but I didn't want to. When I was finally pushed out to do it, the lecturer didn't want me since I had already presented it the last time.

It was at that time that I noticed that Prince looked in my direction. He looked again when the lecturer asked my friend and I to sit and we automatically squatted and he got pissed at us and asked us to sit normally. Some people laughed but I just took it in stride.

For the assignment this time, Prince presented the topic for his group and he did a good job and he really looks like he knows what he's talking about so I think that he may have gotten a good score after all for his exam.

While he was presenting his points, he looked up in my direction and we made eye contact but it was like for one nanosecond. I think he only looked in that direction anyway because he wanted to face more people.

At the end of the lecture, our lecturer called us out individually to give comments on our mid-term exam papers and while I was talking with him, Prince came up and waited for his turn so whatever I said was within his ear-shot and automatically I began being just a tiny bit silly but I wasn't extreme this time, thank goodness.

The last encounter was when I was talking with some friends and I happened to look at him talking with our lecturer and at the same time he looked up so we both made eye contact again, and then we both broke it at the same time.

I can't help but look at him from time to time but at least this time round, I'm not looking at him frequently.

I finally got to look at him face front and I thought I'd get disappointed but no.

I'm harbouring just a tiny bit of hope, but just a smidgen.

I really have to get to work now. I must cover a lot of pages today.

I should be excited and happy

And yes, I was, initially.

Prince turned up for the morning lecture today, which he normally doesn't.

He sat next to Isa, who was sitting on the other side, and I was on the other side of the hall. For some reason, Isa doesn't sit with me and Yu during that subject. But yeah, I was a bit shocked that he came for that lesson.

But anyhow, that afternoon, Prince turned up again.

At first he sat in one of the front rows and yeah, I wished he'd sit in the empty row in front of us.

And suddenly, he switched seats and sat in front of us haha.

Yeah, I was nervous and all but as usual, my cowardly self couldn't bring myself up to speaking with him.

Yeah, I'm a freaking coward.
Yeah, I'm ruining all chances of having a boyfriend.
Cause I freaking don't know how to talk to him.
Or to any other guy for that matter.

In my head, I was all up to talk with him.

But.

He got low marks for the test and he was studying during the break. And he didn't talk much with people.

And that got me to thinking, maybe, just maybe, he's a bit like me. Someone who readily opens up to friends and is someone who requires someone to initiate conversation.

Well lucky me. I just happen to be extremely afraid of stuff like that.

So yeah.

You can pretty much tell I'm in a crappy mood.

I got so nervous when Prince was in front of me, well technically not directly in front, but yeah.

Well, here's to another failure and for more to come.

I should go.

Hello again

I didn't expect to see him today at all.

At one point during the lecture, I turned to my left and I saw him sitting at the other side of the room and I think I turned again, slightly, for a second time just to make sure and I think that he noticed me turning during the second time.

I didn't, however, look at him as much as I normally do. Maybe it's cause I'm just in a sucky mood today.

He talked with the girl that I think likes him today.

I really should give her a name. I've mentioned her so many times already.

I think I'll call her Acia. I think that name is quite cool and she is a really cool person. She just has that aura about her.

I think he'll be coming for the future lectures for that subject since we now have a different lecturer.

I think I lost hope also.

I don't stand out in a good way among the girls and I feel like I don't have much attributes and qualities that are worth anyone's time. I was actually okay for a moment with the thought of being single for life.

My confidence falters bit by bit, day by day.

I wonder when my time will come.

Probably because I'm back in Italy

Or maybe it's cause I can't wait to see him.

Again, I got another dream about him last night and the only thing different about it this time was that I got to see his face more clearly.

It was a split second moment though and the only thing I can remember is looking at his face profile before we made eye contact and that was when I woke up at 5.30 am because of jet lag.

I just hope that I will get the chance to talk with him one day but of course I'm not going to focus too much on him. Exams are coming in February and I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

It'd be nice to see him again, that much for sure.

So it's either I'll get to see him on Wednesday or maybe the next since I have no idea what he did for his holidays, where he went, and when he'll be coming back.

Until then, I must become even more pretty for him.

Sudden

And that is the best way that I can put it.

Today I went to Helen's house to spend some quality time with her before I left for Italy and I felt a bit shy and awkward at first (since I'm really bad at one-on-one conversations) but the atmosphere lightened up after a couple of minutes. Helen really knows how to put me at ease. :)

And so while we were chatting away in her kitchen (over tea, and as the British would have exclaimed, "Splendid!") her mom said something that I couldn't quite catch but she somehow understood what her mom said and she went to the entrance so I assumed some people came to see her.

At first, I thought it was some of my high school friends since I could hear her exclaiming that I was here so I decided to get up and go to the entrance and right when I reached the small kitchen, Helen walked in.

And so did Victor/Broccoli.

I had the initial shock of realising that he was there, of course, but somehow I knew this would happen.

Like the minute I got into the car before going to her place, I knew I'd get to see Victor. I can't really remember the last time I saw him. I think it was when I left college and he said "Bye".

And of course there was another guy with him, whom I have only conversed with quite properly only today. The other guy (let's call him Sean), was actually pretty okay and funny and I think that he is less scared of me now haha. XD I always get the impression that guys are afraid of me.

So when all four of us were in the small kitchen, Helen served them water and soya bean milk because that was the reason why they crashed there in her house as they were cycling to people's homes and just crashing there. Kind of cool, really, the cycling bit.

Then, Sean wanted to leave but Helen managed to persuade them to stay so we moved on to the bigger kitchen where we all chatted quite well.

I was really afraid of talking with them but I did my best to not let that show and whenever there was an awkward moment, all of us did our best to fill it and I'm glad for that. :)

Victor in particular was really helpful in filling up the silence and I'm not sure if he acted stupid on purpose or if he is really that goofy haha. At one point we were making so much fun of him that he turned red and since he was sun burned, I couldn't tell the difference but I realised his ears were bright pink. So cute! :D

There was one part when I was talking with Helen only about how I was going to miss seeing her when Victor suddenly chimed in.

Me: I'm going to miss you so much when I go!

Helen: It's okay ba, we can Skype with each other!

Victor: I have Skype also!

Sean: Me as well.

So I'm not really sure if he wanted to Skype with me as well (since I am a real social retard and I don't get most social hints) but I played on the safe side and was pretty mean by only addressing Helen as to be the one that I will Skype. Helen's going to give me Victor's ID though so maybe I'll get the chance? Hahahahahahahaha.

Then, Helen asked Victor to teach her brother in their studying room so all of us went there where we made more noise and the brother kind of just gave up studying and listened to us laughing but Victor really managed to teach her brother well. Victor is really smart haha.

They left before I left and it wasn't so awkward. He took his time to go and he even made a turn in the road so I could see him before he and Sean cycled away.

Helen kept saying it was fate and I'd like to think so too but I think it was a mere lucky coincidence. :)

Victor and I kept making weird eye contact with each other but that was about it. Thank goodness I looked quite decent when I went to Helen's house haha.

And something made me think just now.

Roy (the guy who used to like me) and I had been texting a bit before I left for Italy about him and a girl and somehow I told him that I liked Victor. And now, I get the feeling that Victor knows about that.

I don't think I have any strong feelings for him anymore though. I was happy and excited that I got to see him and there were pleasant butterflies in my stomach but that's about it.

It made me realise somehow that I really need to get to know someone first before I actually like them.

On a different note, I texted with a guy I had a small thing for three years ago and I didn't want to believe it since the texts were coming from my friend's iPhone but somehow, there was evidence to show that it was him. I kind of think that he also had a small thing for me but he gave up very quickly haha.

Okay, it's almost 1.30 am and I need to send/see Skye off tomorrow with everyone else so I shall sleep soon.

Today was a surprisingly good day. :)

Points to ponder

There are those times when I know that I shouldn't think about him and during those times, I'm able to hold myself back. In other situations, I fail to exercise self control.

Sometimes, I just want to curl up in my bed and just think about him and then wonder and regret things that I should have done.

The big question here is "Why do I like Prince?"

If I think about it long enough, he isn't even spectacularly hot.

He is, however, someone who just stands out without any obvious intention clinging to it. I like him for the aura he carries around him (again, just like the Law case =-=).

I had another theory the other day, while going through my posts.

I noticed that he usually sits somewhere near the girl that I think likes him so maybe he likes that girl. And if this hypothesis is true, I will just suck it up like what I did last time.

Another thing to wonder about.

I wonder how many guys I'll write about in here till one of them actually has some feelings for me.

Currently, I've only wrote seriously for two guys and I've mentioned around four other more guys but yeah, when I like someone, I'll stay loyal to that someone. And that makes me sound like a stalker but really, I have the most outrageously puny skill in stalking so there's no way that I could be a stalker.

I shall now sleep since I only had three hours of sleep last night as I had to wake up early to visit the dentist.

P.S. I finally made my New Year resolutions and the list is a whole lot more shorter than my previous ones. Hopefully I'll get to fulfill most of them. :)

I wonder

If I'll be able to control myself from liking him too much without even getting to know him first.

If this year will change my direction towards the darkened valley.

If I'll be able to really love myself.

Because, I think that in order to really love someone, you have to love yourself first and I know that I am not on good terms with myself. I have been getting better at accepting myself but not so much on the loving.

I know I probably won't have as much drive as I used to have (because I get most of the drive from liking someone), but I hope that I'll still try to do my best.

Liking guys has always brought out the better side of myself, oddly enough.

Whatever happens this year, I hope that I'll be able to make it out alive and well.