I just watched Happy Camp, a show that airs in China, that had invited EXO to be on the show and throughout the whole time I couldn't help but notice just how unique Lay is.
I really don't know why but he carries such a pure and passionate aura around him and despite the fact that he is
One, when the host asked 'Who think's they're the main dancer?' he didn't even step out despite the fact that he is the main dancer for EXO-M.
And then in another segment when the host asked 'Who thinks they're the least (Edit: most, I meant most!) popular among girls?' he practically rushed to the last place but when other people wanted to take that place, he just gave it up to them and found somewhere else to sit.
So basically I noticed that he is extremely modest... But I really find that an amazing and rare quality to find in a guy. Most of the guys that I know to date are really full of themselves.
Not to mention, the way that he moves and holds himself and look out for others is just... Indescribable.
Seriously, I feel so happy when I just think of him, as though his pheromones reached me and yet I'm not even within the range of 100 km from him. Does that make sense?
Seeing him not only brightens my day but it also cheers me on to become a better person.
Right.
I will finish my work up after this and then I will practice writing some Chinese characters.
He really makes my day. :)
I just wish I could see more of him without being a sasaeng.
First and foremost, I am truly sorry and I apologise for anything I type after this. Allow me to be a freaking selfish and pitiful pig that's still growing up and knows no better even though I pretty much am sure I'm going to regret typing all of it out.
Dear Prince,
I have no freaking idea why I freaking like you so so so much that I find myself unable to programme normally because you used to be the only thing in my mind and somehow, you became the goal that I strove to reach.
When I learnt that you have a girlfriend, a recent one at that, I became really devastated and I pretty much believe that it's even more worse compared to the time that I liked Law.
I just learnt to hide this emptiness better.
I can't even believe the things I still want to do.
I still want to approach you. To talk to you. To become closer to you.
To stubbornly refuse to give you up and to give up this feeling that I have for you.
Oh, and did I mention that I get so freaking, annoyingly jealous of Acia because you are so much more closer to her and I don't even have the right to do so. If anything, it's my fault for not having approached you first last year.
And the time when we talked? Yeah, I missed out on so many things to say. Why the hell was I such a bad conversationalist then? Not like I'm a master or anything at the moment but I only just recently started learning how to make a good conversation and I freaking regret not having done so earlier so that maybe I could've still held your interest.
In fact, I went against my own guts when talking with you and I bet if I had only listened to my intuition, we would have been at least more closer than what ever strained relationship we have now.
Why the hell did I rush things??? Why do I get so excited so easily over the smallest things????????????
Tell me, do you hate me? Would you hate me even more if I attempted to talk with you? Do you even think of me, even the slightest bit?
I bet you don't give a single damn about anything that's related to me.
I bet you freaking regret making contact with a freak like me.
And I freaking hate the fact that I care too much about what you think of me.
I don't even know why I think you're the perfect guy despite knowing the fact that you're only human, a human who is sure to err and to bend to the temptation of sin.
Let me go ahead and say that I have imagined holding your hand. Imagined my fingers running through your black hair before they trace your jaw and cheekbones. Imagined an embrace so close that it'll be impossible to tell who's body's warmth belongs to who.
Imagined winter dates where we'll walk side by side, not necessarily holding hands, but enveloped in a comfortable silence, a world of our own.
Imagined looking deep into your eyes and doing nothing else but.
The truth? I think you're the sexiest guy I have ever met in real life. Red doesn't have a patch on you.
Who is this wonderfully lucky girl that got the privilege to be cherished by you???
If things don't go too well with her, will you ever consider me?
Yeah, I apologise for pursuing you. It's more masculine than feminine and I bet it freaking looks desperate but I seriously can't control that part of me too well. Blame my late puberty.
I tried writing out a short story about my feelings for you but I just couldn't bring myself to make a happy ending since I already know the actual truth of reality.
I can no longer sleep normally. I can't think straight. Nothing is arranged chronologically in my mind and the days pass by as if I were in a coma.
I'm so tired of having these thoughts running constantly through my mind and I wish I had the will to make it stop but I just can't find myself doing so.
Please... Please... Please give me a chance to become your friend once again. I'm sorry I screwed up.
Truly,
Me.
I freaking hate myself for expecting that he will suddenly chat with me just because we're online at the same time on Facebook and I blame my high school girl mind for thinking like that.
For all I know he's chatting with his girlfriend. Boom.
I'm currently forcing myself to think like that but the annoying thing is that my mind refuses to believe in that and goes into fantasy mode instead. Why doesn't it ever learn???
For a second there, I opened up the chat window and then I immediately closed it and at the same time, he went offline as well so I panicked slightly, thinking that he knew what I just did but I decided to chill out and to just remain online for a short while and soon enough he came back on and after a few seconds, I closed the tab and I went here instead.
A little rant about my friends.
Yu considers herself as my best friend and in order not to hurt her, I didn't say anything because I don't consider her as one since I can't tell absolutely everything to her.
She also doesn't notice that I am still quite upset with this matter. Either that or she just doesn't care.
Okay, enough about that for now.
I really hope that I'll be able to keep my head up tomorrow, if Prince comes that is.
Now to watch a couple of videos before finishing my work.
Dear Prince,
Sometimes I feel like this feeling of like that I have for you is too big that I feel so compelled to just blurt it out to you to the point that the way that I'll do it is crazy and enables me to get a free ticket into the nearest mental hospital.
Like just pulling you aside and confessing.
Or screaming your name out loud in class.
Or posting "I like you" on your wall. Repetitively.
Oh gosh, energy drinks are really not good for people like me at this hour. Got to get back to real work now. Hopefully things will be okay later on in the day.
Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I feel when I see him online.
I thank God that I'm not so shy anymore and that I'm taking small baby steps in socialising, but I'm still not at the level where I can just Facebook chat anyone randomly without feeling a bit awkward when I see them.
That's why whenever I see Prince online, I get just a bit more sad.
Adding him made me realise just how big my fantasy is. Again, this is one of the reasons why I didn't want to add him, so that I could keep making up things without falling to the concrete floor and breaking my head and heart.
I'm dealing with this fall better than last time but I can still feel some thunder clouds in my head. Or maybe it's just cause I'm tired.
Either way, I just wish that for once the guy I have an interest in will be interested in me as well or that someone will make the first move to get to know me since I'm the one who initiates things.
It so hard to crack through this unapproachable aura that's sheltering me.
There are those times when I know that I shouldn't think about him and during those times, I'm able to hold myself back. In other situations, I fail to exercise self control.
Sometimes, I just want to curl up in my bed and just think about him and then wonder and regret things that I should have done.
The big question here is "Why do I like Prince?"
If I think about it long enough, he isn't even spectacularly hot.
He is, however, someone who just stands out without any obvious intention clinging to it. I like him for the aura he carries around him (again, just like the Law case =-=).
I had another theory the other day, while going through my posts.
I noticed that he usually sits somewhere near the girl that I think likes him so maybe he likes that girl. And if this hypothesis is true, I will just suck it up like what I did last time.
Another thing to wonder about.
I wonder how many guys I'll write about in here till one of them actually has some feelings for me.
Currently, I've only wrote seriously for two guys and I've mentioned around four other more guys but yeah, when I like someone, I'll stay loyal to that someone. And that makes me sound like a stalker but really, I have the most outrageously puny skill in stalking so there's no way that I could be a stalker.
I shall now sleep since I only had three hours of sleep last night as I had to wake up early to visit the dentist.
P.S. I finally made my New Year resolutions and the list is a whole lot more shorter than my previous ones. Hopefully I'll get to fulfill most of them. :)
