A wave

Don't be sad that it has past.

Be happy that it actually happened.

But human nature causes us to want even more and now I'm sorry that I wasn't a more avid fan.

I pray that I will get another chance in the future.

People I didn't want to meet

Lo and behold, I got the same design studio as Carl and Prince.

I came into class a bit late and I almost sat next to them but luckily I spotted them early and decided to change my seat to go to the other side.

They did notice me though, especially since my hair was previously super long and now it's super short, and Carl kept passing by me and coming near me. I think he wanted to talk to me but I was talking with other people and I really didn't want to talk with him so we never did.

On the other hand, I kept feeling like Prince was looking at me and at one point when the professor said something both of us turned to look at each other.

I really do think that we have the same brainwave length but I don't feel attracted to him anymore.

In fact, if I see anyone that resembles him even from the back, I feel fear shooting through my veins and I don't know why.

Yesterday I hung out with some of my friends and we somehow got around to the topic of whether we liked anyone in our course or not and I just said his name and one of the girls said that it's good that I moved on from him because he's the type who isn't looking for something serious.

And surprisingly she said that I was way better than him and that I should deserve someone better.

Any how I don't want to fall for anyone at the moment, only YiXing. It'll help me concentrate better.

XOXO for 张艺兴

How to tell whether or not I like someone?

I will definitely draw them. I will most certainly definitely draw them.

Whether it be in manga form or a sketch, I will draw them.

So what can I do when I really like someone who is far away from me?

Well if you haven't been paying attention, the answer is that I will draw them.

So before I post my drawing up, let me just say my birthday speech to him.

I know you have probably forgotten me although we made eye contact a couple of times during the concert especially since I was your only fan that was right in front of you at that time but I truly hope I somehow stayed somewhere in your thoughts.

Just by looking at the way you hold yourself, whether you're dancing or just even standing, I feel much better and calmer and more ready to tackle any challenge I have head on. You had it, maybe still have it, harder than me and that alone inspires me to work harder.

I hope that you have truly found what you really are looking for and that you are happy.

And I pray that you have enough of everything; tears, laughter, pain, rest etc. that you will continue to live a blessed life and that you will never change yourself because you are really one of a kind and I always wish that I could've been someone that was close to you before you were even a celebrity. I am most certainly not attracted to your celebrity fame.

I am attracted to you.

One day, I will meet you and I will then tell you how much you have changed me; for the better. Thank you for everything. 

Happy birthday 张艺兴. :) <3

With love, from the girl who fell for you at first sight.

Sweet guys

Oh gosh I'm really falling for Lay now.

My new friend, Winnie, says that I have a chance but I know that I have a close to 1% chance of ever getting together with him.

Man, I really wish that I could.

Positive thoughts... Positive thoughts...

Okay, I should stop dreaming hahahaahaha.

This is going to be a not so usual post because I normally separate the contents of my blog; this one for crushes and the like and another for my life in general. Somehow, for today that is, I felt like I should leak a bit of how my mind works, rest assured if you came here for the love stuff, my points will be touching those.

And I'm keeping things short as I'm typing this on my phone and not my laptop. 

Since I have so much free time now, my mind is currently filling itself up with EXO related stuff, mainly about Lay.

I really felt like crying for his behalf just now as I read how hard his life as a trainee was but as usual the tears wouldn't come and you have no idea how much it sucks to not be able to have a good cry when you want to. 

He really worked hard and I couldn't help but think, why can't I find a guy like that? Who's just as sweet and as caring as him. Naturally I don't know his bad traits but it doesn't seem like he puts on a fake front in front of the cameras and he is so amazing, really, I don't know why he doesn't have as many fans as the other members.

Seeing his face alone makes me realise just how hard he worked. He lost a heck load of weight and sometimes he can't even hide how tired he is. Instead of a glamorous life, he gets chased down like a rat by sasaeng fans and has to constantly make sure he's doing a good job of representing SM.

I know I'm not worthy enough for a guy like him but I would do my best to make him happy.

And then I start to complain after all that.

I honestly feel that I am a nice girl who is kind and who has enough brains to know how to do well in her studies and to make the right decisions so as not to bring her family's image down. I am really a jack of all trades but master of none and even though I am so socially awkward and retarded, I do my best to be a really good friend to the people who accept me as a friend in their life. Looks-wise, I am above average and I get loads of catcalls and have been told that I am pretty or beautiful.

And yes that sounds a hell lot like I'm bragging but I'm just telling the truth so it's up to you whether or not to believe it because I am tired of always caring too much about what other people think.

Why can't nice guys who are my type ever go for me? I don't think I have hyper unrealistic standards.

For one, it really doesn't matter if they're rich, has a super muscular physique, is tremendously stylish, is an Oxford graduate etc.

When it comes down to the facts I would say I would like a sweet guy with a face that I think is beautiful even though others might not. A guy who is smart enough so that we can converse and well off enough that I don't need to give him pocket money.  A guy who pays more attention to neatness and loves his family and God a lot. Needless to say, he is a hard worker and is passionate in chasing his dreams.

Too much to ask? I think not.

He wouldn't need to always call me and buy me stuff. He wouldn't need to cart around my shopping bags because in the first place, I really think a date where only one person goes shopping is a horrifying date. I would be loyal to him and I will expect him to be loyal to me.

Now someone please tell me where can I find a guy like this?

Okay I'm tired now so I'll be hitting the sack, praying for a miracle to happen. 

If dreams were real

I'd be in seventh heaven now.

I dreamt about Lay last night (and the rest of the EXO members as well) and I dreamt that we had feelings for each other.

The weird thing about the dream was that instead of me being in the position of the third person (looking at Lay and a projection of myself) I was really the one who was in my own shoes and I could feel real feelings surging in me.

The part that I remembered was that I was performing a hideous but comical dance on stage with 4 or 5 other girls when a crowd entered to watch because it was a school event apparently and he was there as well.

At the end of the dance, people clapped and laughed at our performance when suddenly something like a bidding auction started and they were like "Who wants to take Beth?" and surprisingly a lot of people had their hands up.

That's when I noticed that the EXO members were nudging Lay and were saying "Lay, go on! You like her don't you?! And she likes you too!" and I felt really embarrassed but happy at the same time. In an instant, most of the people put their hands back down and that's when Lay walked up to the stage so I covered my face and shamelessly held out my hand which he took.

"Let's go."
"Okay."

Then as we were making our way to the back of the crowd where the exit was he said "I need to tell you something... But I'll only say it when we get behind the school." and all I could do was nod and somehow we both knew that we really had strong feelings for each other.

Well, we never really made it to the back of the school cause I got woken up by my mom.

And the funny thing is that Lay looked like Tao at first but when I realised it, I did my best to change his looks.

Maybe I'll dream about him again tonight. That'd be great.

Of pheromones and hormones

Good evening reader who stumbled upon this page or to the very few readers that I do have.

It's been about two months since I last posted anything up, mainly because I hardly went online as I am still having my holidays in Malaysia and I rather spend all my time with my family. After all, I'll be all alone again with this laptop (got a new one! XD) as soon as I get back.

But someone who's an extreme stranger to me caught my eye and has been on my mind for the past three days so I knew I just needed to get this off my chest before it gets viral in my head and I start to believe that I have sincere feelings for him.

Which brings me to a new conclusion that I have summed up for myself.

I believe that attraction is caused by a sudden rush of a mixture of our hormones when we get affected by another's pheromones and somewhat unfortunately, I get trapped by these pheromones for too long so it takes a long time for them to wear off whereby in the mean time, my mind convinces itself that it is in "love".

So let me just get this guy out of my head, heck, I don't even know his name.

All that I do know is that he is a hairdresser.

And that he's probably gay.

I first saw him when I followed my sisters and brother to get their hair done at the salon. He did my brother's hair and he somehow got my attention, most probably because he looks like Prince (he even had almost the same hairstyle).

I thought he was cute and I was only slightly vocal about it but I forgot about him a few hours later.

Then, two days ago, my sister and I went to cut our hair and as soon as we sat down, a chatty guy started to work on her hair so I just awkwardly thumbed through a fashion magazine since I didn't have any paper I could use to draw with so I tried to entertain myself with the feature story.

And then he came up behind me and started attending to me and I really did try to make myself act cool but I could feel myself like being all shy and awkward which always happens when I'm around the guy I like.

It was already bad enough that I tried to avoid eye-contact while he was washing my hair but I just had to be all awkward when he tried talking to me in a somewhat quiet voice.

"Did you dye your hair or is it natural?"

"Uh..-it...-it's dyed"

Yes my lovely humans. Cringe in my honour. I don't think I did enough of it to suffice.

And then I really tried my best to not make eye-contact with him, even when he asked me how I wanted my fringe to be cut like and oh my gosh I really wanted to smack myself then.

"So... How do you want your fringe cut?"

"Erm... er..."

"Sideways? Straight?"

"... I-R'know..."

Facepalm. Facepalm. Facepalm.

Please don't follow my lead by trying to say "I don't know" while you're stammering.

It was so obvious that I wanted to get out from there, to get away from him before he sees me in an even worse state. I tried escaping from my chair twice and he wasn't even done yet but in my defence, I thought he was. I swear he was laughing on the inside.

He wasn't at the counter when both of us were paying up but just as my sister was about to pay, her hairdresser and mine came up and she started talking with her guy and I felt so uncomfortable that I bowed (in his direction) and said "Thank you" and then I went out because I supposedly wanted to buy something from the stationary shop nearby which happened to be closed on that day.

And I saw him at lunch but I pretended not to see him.

...

I feel much more relieved now. I really really really don't want to develop feelings for anyone for the next year or so because I want to concentrate on my dreams and studies, except for the occasional fangasm for my K-Pop biases.

And to add to the previously mentioned subject, I attended MTV World Stage Live in Malaysia 2013 (which I lined up for for 7 hours and then continued to stand for 4 hours) and I got to see EXO in the flesh! I was super close to the stage like only 4 metres or less away from them.

And I feel so good cause I waved to Lay and tried to yell for his attention but the crowd drowned out my voice but still he turned in my direction, made eye-contact with me and then waved and it was only to me I'm positive of that (I sound like one of those crazy fans but I assure you, at the very least I didn't leave right after they finished their performance to go stalk them like the other fans around me =-=;). We made eye-contact again just after they finished performing 'HISTORY' and really, it felt like a dream come true.

And now I have to get back to packing. Going to be heading off to the airport in 4 more days and I'm so not looking forward to it. When did I start hating aeroplane rides?

P.S. I had a minor crush on a guy who made us sushi in a restaurant as well just because he said "Excuse me" in perfect English. Brain, you sure are a strange creature.