The letter that will never reach you

First and foremost, I am truly sorry and I apologise for anything I type after this. Allow me to be a freaking selfish and pitiful pig that's still growing up and knows no better even though I pretty much am sure I'm going to regret typing all of it out.

Dear Prince,

I have no freaking idea why I freaking like you so so so much that I find myself unable to programme normally because you used to be the only thing in my mind and somehow, you became the goal that I strove to reach.

When I learnt that you have a girlfriend, a recent one at that, I became really devastated and I pretty much believe that it's even more worse compared to the time that I liked Law.

I just learnt to hide this emptiness better.

I can't even believe the things I still want to do.

I still want to approach you. To talk to you. To become closer to you.

To stubbornly refuse to give you up and to give up this feeling that I have for you.

Oh, and did I mention that I get so freaking, annoyingly jealous of Acia because you are so much more closer to her and I don't even have the right to do so. If anything, it's my fault for not having approached you first last year.

And the time when we talked? Yeah, I missed out on so many things to say. Why the hell was I such a bad conversationalist then? Not like I'm a master or anything at the moment but I only just recently started learning how to make a good conversation and I freaking regret not having done so earlier so that maybe I could've still held your interest.

In fact, I went against my own guts when talking with you and I bet if I had only listened to my intuition, we would have been at least more closer than what ever strained relationship we have now.

Why the hell did I rush things??? Why do I get so excited so easily over the smallest things????????????

Tell me, do you hate me? Would you hate me even more if I attempted to talk with you? Do you even think of me, even the slightest bit?

I bet you don't give a single damn about anything that's related to me.

I bet you freaking regret making contact with a freak like me.

And I freaking hate the fact that I care too much about what you think of me.

I don't even know why I think you're the perfect guy despite knowing the fact that you're only human, a human who is sure to err and to bend to the temptation of sin.

Let me go ahead and say that I have imagined holding your hand. Imagined my fingers running through your black hair before they trace your jaw and cheekbones. Imagined an embrace so close that it'll be impossible to tell who's body's warmth belongs to who.

Imagined winter dates where we'll walk side by side, not necessarily holding hands, but enveloped in a comfortable silence, a world of our own.

Imagined looking deep into your eyes and doing nothing else but.

The truth? I think you're the sexiest guy I have ever met in real life. Red doesn't have a patch on you.

Who is this wonderfully lucky girl that got the privilege to be cherished by you???

If things don't go too well with her, will you ever consider me?

Yeah, I apologise for pursuing you. It's more masculine than feminine and I bet it freaking looks desperate but I seriously can't control that part of me too well. Blame my late puberty.

I tried writing out a short story about my feelings for you but I just couldn't bring myself to make a happy ending since I already know the actual truth of reality.

I can no longer sleep normally. I can't think straight. Nothing is arranged chronologically in my mind and the days pass by as if I were in a coma.

I'm so tired of having these thoughts running constantly through my mind and I wish I had the will to make it stop but I just can't find myself doing so.

Please... Please... Please give me a chance to become your friend once again. I'm sorry I screwed up.

Truly,
Me.

I don't want to regret

I am praying, seriously praying, that Law will stayback tomorrow and that we'll get the chance to talk cause it'll be the second last day for us to work with each other.


When I re-read that sentence, my heart just dropped. Twice.


I don't know when I'll ever get to approach him again and be able to get the chance to talk to him.


Today, I only got to see him at the end of the first break since I had my back turned to him and I had to finish typing the minutes for the club meeting we had earlier on during the first break.


And even then, we were walking up the stairs so I couldn't exactly always look up to look at him.


I'm praying for a chance to be able to talk to him tomorrow.


Please.


I won't waste any chance that I can get ever again.


Thinking back to last Thursday and all the chances I had, I feel so stupid for having let them pass by me just like that.


I can't tell you how many times I've palm-faced myself because I regret not having taken the first step in making a conversation with him.


I fail as a girl.


But I'll go into that subject another time.


Please, please, please let Law and I talk with each other tomorrow and for all the other days after that.


PS. Here are my "fortunes" for tomorrow.


Judgment - Resurrection (Orthotopic) Fortune - Love This period of time, you two will find ways to love from previous mistakes. You will reunite with your former lovers. For singles, your love will be blessed by the love messenger and create a miracle of love. You will have great luck.


I'm really praying that that's true.


The Sun: Prosperity in relationships and career is possible now. Sun God present and shining down upon you. A good time to plant new crops or begin new projects from the ground up. Negativity of Moon's influences gone and cycle can begin anew. Truth and revelation. Good health, recovery and happiness. Time out in the sun is called for, perhaps a vacation to a warm place is warranted. All things bright and out in the open.

It's just a feeling

First of all, I'm currently eating HobNobs, one of my all-time favourite brand for biscuits.

HOBNOBS!!!

Just a short note: I don't own any of the pictures that I've posted up in my blog. They belong to their rightful copyright holders.

HobNobs are just so freaking good and delicious and I'm eating quite a lot cause Lent is in two days and then I'll have to fast since I'm 18 already.

I'm going to fast seriously and abstain from going online a lot.

But, as always, the main focus here is about Law.

I couldn't see him during the first break because I had to go to an Election Board meeting and directly after that, I had to go to our Public Speaking club meeting.

Towards the end of the first break, though, I saw that he came into the assembly hall where we were having our meeting and when the bell rang, I wanted to walk behind him as we went to class but I held of the urge for a few seconds to get some space between us.

When we were about to reach the top floor, he suddenly turned around and went downstairs and naturally I gave him some space to pass by.

End of the first break encounter.

During the second break, I went to the cafeteria and sat next to June and one of June's classmates cause I must learn to be friendly and learn how to initiate a conversation. Then, I went to buy lunch.

As I sat down, I noticed that Law was going to pass by our table on my side but of course I didn't dare to look at him.

June, on the other hand, just continued to stare at him as he was in her line of vision but I didn't want to turn around and take a peek.

And so, I just thought that our break today would go on pretty normal and everything but then Jean just had to start a commotion.

She was sitting at the table beside our table when she called out to me.

Jean: Hey Beth (that's me :)), I think you'd enjoy the view if you sat right here next to me. [She could see him in her line of vision]

Me: No thanks. I think I'd prefer if I just enjoyed the view over this side better for today.

Jean: That's not what I mean!

Well, she didn't say that but you could tell that's what she meant from her facial expression.

Cause the next thing I knew, she pointed directly at him.

She. Pointed. At. Him. In. A. Crowded. Cafeteria. With. A. Lot. Of. People.

And then something came over me and I just stood up, screamed yelled, and was about to go to her table but then I noticed people were looking so I calmed myself down and sat back in my place.

Then, June told me that when I stood up, Law looked at me.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

Now he must think I'm some kind of psycho lunatic.

Then, he switched places and went to sit in a place where it was in my line of vision and I did my best to not look at him.

June said he was smiling and looked in my direction when he stood up to leave at the end of the break but I can't really take her word for it. It could have been a trick of the light for all she knows.

But why did he switch his seat?

I bumped into him again on my way to my practical session but I didn't (or couldn't) look at him cause I was carrying a truckload of things and I needed to watch my step.

Well, that's about it for today.

But now that I think about it, didn't my love prediction yesterday mention something like this?

"Your admirer will approach you."

Anyway, I got more amusing predictions and tarot readings (not the real ones, mind you) for my day today (which is  Tuesday).

First, "Your admirer will react well to your sense of humor and kindness next time you meet".

Indeed, very funny.

Second, "The World - Completion (Inversus) The two of you should seriously communicate with each other. Do not cause each other pain. You are rewarded from your effort, but you have forgotten how to sustain of his (her), so that he (she) will stay with you."

Yes, we should communicate with each other but as far as I know, I'm the only one who wants to.

Third, "Communication is always a two way street and involves both speaking from a place of truth and authenticity, but also involves listening. While you've had the resources for several weeks now to not only open the communication lines but to take this to a whole new level, today's New Moon asks that you make a commitment and that you take responsibility. You're the one with the advantage, so it may mean that you're the one that needs to reach out."

Why is it that all of the readings are referring to the word "communication"?

Well, if I do get the chance to talk with him, I wouldn't know how to start a conversation with him but I do know for sure, I won't let go of the opportunity.

I won't, ever again.

Okay, I need to sleep now soon.

PS. I properly stalked Law yesterday on Facebook XD and I don't know if I mentioned this before but, he is single! :D

At least I know that I have a chance.

Undecided

Today, I humiliated myself in front of the entire cafeteria.


So let me rewind back to the beginning.


I told my friends in the morning about what happened between Law and I yesterday and then I left.


During the first break, when I sat down next to them, all of them went like "Guess who's sitting near us?"


I did know. I could recognize his back from across a hall but I did my best to not look at him too much unlike my friends.


Then, after he left, I suggested that all of us should go back to class so Jean decided to walk with me.


When we got to the stairs, Law was standing near the further staircase so I took the one nearer to where I was standing but Jean just had to start dragging me to the other side and I panicked.


I panicked and dragged her back too the cafeteria.


And I screamed shrieked.


I bet he noticed that.


And suddenly all my friends (the ones who knows about Law) appeared out of nowhere and began teasing me because Law was buying food and they kept on asking me to go and buy food too.


But after that when I started my duty, he was neutral with me like he didn't notice the commotion which is good.


We worked together during the cleaning up time and were quite near each other but that's about it.


After that when we went back to the hall, we had to clean up more stuff and be briefed and he sat quite near to me. :)


Then, we had to take down more newspapers and because I wanted to, I punched through one of the newspaper sheets and I was about to punch another side when he went "Wait wait wait! I want to punch too!" and then he punched the side I wanted to punch.


He grinned so taking all of my friends advice, I grinned and giggled. 


Ugh. =-=;


But at least that was something.


I'm doing my best to practice talking with my seniors especially guy ones.


But, why did Law have to come up to me?


I'm pretty sure there were ones that were closer to him.


I didn't get to work with after that and even though I planned to stay back a bit late to do my homework and maybe get the chance to talk with him, I didn't.


It was because my driver came way too early.


I told my friends that morning that I'd get the courage to talk with him but I never did.


Now they're going to help me although I don't know how. XD


But for the last bit of today, I felt really sad cause I couldn't get the chance to talk to him.


But on a good side, I still have the chance to work with him next week! :)


I got nominated for the Graduation Chairperson post in the Student Council.


I am really shocked. Really.


Maybe I'll be able to get closer to Law in this way???


Anyway, I have to sleep now even though my hair isn't dry yet in the least.


I need to prepare myself for the interview tomorrow and even though I think I'm prepared, I'll just run through my self-introduction speech and a couple of Q&A they might ask me tomorrow on my way to school tomorrow.


I hope that I'll be able to get closer to him.

So just pull the trigger

I don't know if it's cause I'm just too exhausted or I'm tired of waiting for something to happen but I just shot myself in the head.


Because, I just pressed the "add as friend" button on Facebook.


I am really screaming inside right now because somehow, I felt feel kind of stupid for doing that.


I mean, I actually did some prior practice (like adding other seniors) before I added Law but it doesn't feel the same.


I added him cause we've already sent each other a few texts back and forth even though it's only regarding school matters and we do know each other already and we have worked with each other.


So I'll just type down what happened at school today before I go off to sleep.


I was supposed to meet him during the first break but I used up the first half of the break celebrating my friend's birthday after which I texted him and asked him where I could find him.


By the time the bell rang, he didn't reply so I just texted him saying it's okay and I asked if I could pass the papers to him during the second break when we had our Election Board meeting and he said it was okay. He said sorry also cause he had his phone on silent.


I was really tempted to reply him but then I didn't want to look stupid so I just left it like that.


But then, I didn't pass it to him during the meeting because he went out as soon as the meeting finished so I passed it to Angel instead and she was really nice and all. :) Thank goodness.


We had our rehearsal for the campaign tomorrow after school and at first I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't see him but then when I went down, I saw him at the assembly area so I felt slightly happy that I got to see him.


He had to stayback a bit with some friends to talk about the campaign tomorrow.


Throughout that time, I just sat down and tried to finish doing our house's banner which I think I can finish drawing by this Friday, hopefully. :)


I saw him looking in my direction once for quite some time but I will not think too much about it cause it could have been a coincidence.


He went home quite late today and while I was talking with another senior, he had to wait for our conversation to finish cause he was sending the senior back home.


I kind of feel this weird atmosphere between us.


I think it's cause he knows I'm interested in him and he doesn't know what to do.


I feel stupid for adding him.


What if he doesn't accept it????!!! =-=;


I don't want to stress too much over this small thing and I need to concentrate more on my studies and other duties.


Tomorrow's Valentine's Day in case you guys forgot.


I'm truthfully a little excited since this is the first time in 12 years that I've attended a co-ed school and I wonder how it'll be like tomorrow.


I'm quite certain some of my friends will get a couple of confessions cause they're all so pretty and nice. :)


As for me, I'm definitely not going to confess unless something stupid overpowers me and then I'll know I'll regret my future words and actions in the future.


Okay, I've got to go to sleep now.

I'm supposed to be very busy now

But I really need to get certain things off my chest.


Really. =-=;


I'm so freaking disturbed and distracted now I can't concentrate in class cause half the time I'm looking at the slideshow, my mind is over-working itself by thinking and "rationalising" certain events to the point that I can make myself feel depressed.


Seriously.


I found out last Monday from a friend that on the night I told my dorm mates that I liked Law, Law's friend was right outside the door.


No wonder they were all looking at me the next morning.


I bet, I really really really bet, that every single human knows already.


Especially him.


Like this morning, when I was coming out from the room where we have our morning prayer, one of my seniors smiled at me.


And that's a first kind of thing you know.


I wasn't even sure how I was supposed to react to that but I just smiled back.


You see? My mind just over-thought that situation out.


Again.


Anyway, Law's friend (*Angel), added me on Facebook last Monday.


And I did accept it since she is a very prominent figure in school and I even wrote thanks on her wall which I really really really hope doesn't look pathetic or anything!!!!


When I told my siblings they all immediately said, "Now she's going to stalk you cause she knows!!!!"


I am so freaking scared.


And I don't even know why.


I mean, it's okay to like someone right? It's our own freedom to like someone.


Today during the Election Board meeting, I made a fool of myself again especially with me being sick and all.


I did my best to be normal and not stare at him all the time and when I did, I only stared at him at the appropriate time and for an appropriate duration of time.


Funny thing is... it's like they were holding some kind of secret.


Like when I walked in, they were holding back a laugh like I was a fool or something.


Like they all knew.


And there I go again, getting paranoid over the smallest detail.


What can I say, it runs very strongly in my family's blood.


Especially my mom and she and I have the same blood type so I bet I have a serious case of paranoia.


I wish wish wish I could just give up on him but then again, I want to see what will happen if I just stuck on.


Well, I did stick on didn't I? And look at where I am now. He's one of the seniors that I do communicate with, well, kind of. :) (Edited on the 7th of April 2012)


A broken heart can be nursed back so what I should do is take a risk.


But I've never been much of a risk taker either.


I don't think he's really a cold and scary person. People just need to get to know him before they say anything.


I feel like I have some  things in common with him and even if we never have that kind of relationship, I just know that he will be a really awesome friend to have. :)


Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm planning to bake cookies for my friends cause I'm too chicken to give it to him.


I like spoiling my friends too at every chance that I can get. :)


I hope that I won't turn into an attention seeker.


Please no.

Word of the day: FOOLISH

I must do my best to not be distracted by Law throughout Leadership Camp.


Or else, I'll look like some idiotic, pathetic, fool.


I didn't see him during the first break even though I tried hard to find him. Turns out, my back was facing him so obviously, I couldn't see him. =-=;


At least I didn't stare at him.


As for our second break, I did catch a few glimpses of him now and then but since our table was unusually full today, I was busy communicating with all of my friends so I didn't pay too much attention to him.


Honestly, today really felt like a really long day.


When the bell rang for the second break, I thought it was time to go home already but of course that was my own false alarm ringing.


When the real final bell rang, I waited for one of my friends before going to the Election Board meeting but even though we took our time to reach there, we both were early so I think we gave off the impression of being super excited. And not in the good way.


Law was already in the room so I didn't want to enter just yet until one of my seniors gave the green light.


And I did my first foolish thing by bowing 90 degrees when I entered the room.


Law just stared and I bet he was thinking, "That girl again? Why the hell did she bow down?"


I feel like hitting myself for always doing stupid things that probably other people will remember and use to laugh or scoff at.


I blame myself for being influenced by all those Korean variety and music shows where they always bow down at the beginning and end of every show.


When they asked us to help around, I reacted unusually slow today.


I was slightly preoccupied because I was texting my music teacher because I had to quit going for my piano lessons. TT^TT


I would have normally just went out to find a rag to wipe down the banner but I was being a fool today. Of course.


Law just went out and came back with a rag and even though the other seniors asked him to ask us year ones to do it he was like "It's okay. I'm feeling nice today."


Another senior handed another piece of cloth and I grabbed at it (like a fool) but my other friend got it so she got to help Law out.


Throughout the meeting, I did my best to not always turn and stare at him but I think he knows.


He's not a fool.


So tomorrow, I won't stare at him. I can't afford to.


All I did was ask questions like an idiot. 


I bet they all think I'm an idiot.


For one, I was the only nerd taking down notes about everything the seniors dictated. =-=;


But after the meeting, when I felt like every senior hated me, one of them smiled at me and another one of my friends so I feel like I still have hope to not make everyone hate me.


I hope that I'll get closer to all my seniors, not only Law, throughout the camp.


I wish someone could tell me what to talk about and how to have a conversation with people older than me cause I always have this fear of people older than me unlike kids these days.


I hope that I won't be all awkward and everything.


I need to turn my switch on and be a dandy and optimistic girl throughout this camp.


I must make everyone happy and do my best to not look like a fool in front of everyone (especially Law) and hopefully, I'll get more self-confidence and be able to communicate with everyone better and more effectively. :)


Please God, please.


Give me a miracle.