The letter that will never reach you

First and foremost, I am truly sorry and I apologise for anything I type after this. Allow me to be a freaking selfish and pitiful pig that's still growing up and knows no better even though I pretty much am sure I'm going to regret typing all of it out.

Dear Prince,

I have no freaking idea why I freaking like you so so so much that I find myself unable to programme normally because you used to be the only thing in my mind and somehow, you became the goal that I strove to reach.

When I learnt that you have a girlfriend, a recent one at that, I became really devastated and I pretty much believe that it's even more worse compared to the time that I liked Law.

I just learnt to hide this emptiness better.

I can't even believe the things I still want to do.

I still want to approach you. To talk to you. To become closer to you.

To stubbornly refuse to give you up and to give up this feeling that I have for you.

Oh, and did I mention that I get so freaking, annoyingly jealous of Acia because you are so much more closer to her and I don't even have the right to do so. If anything, it's my fault for not having approached you first last year.

And the time when we talked? Yeah, I missed out on so many things to say. Why the hell was I such a bad conversationalist then? Not like I'm a master or anything at the moment but I only just recently started learning how to make a good conversation and I freaking regret not having done so earlier so that maybe I could've still held your interest.

In fact, I went against my own guts when talking with you and I bet if I had only listened to my intuition, we would have been at least more closer than what ever strained relationship we have now.

Why the hell did I rush things??? Why do I get so excited so easily over the smallest things????????????

Tell me, do you hate me? Would you hate me even more if I attempted to talk with you? Do you even think of me, even the slightest bit?

I bet you don't give a single damn about anything that's related to me.

I bet you freaking regret making contact with a freak like me.

And I freaking hate the fact that I care too much about what you think of me.

I don't even know why I think you're the perfect guy despite knowing the fact that you're only human, a human who is sure to err and to bend to the temptation of sin.

Let me go ahead and say that I have imagined holding your hand. Imagined my fingers running through your black hair before they trace your jaw and cheekbones. Imagined an embrace so close that it'll be impossible to tell who's body's warmth belongs to who.

Imagined winter dates where we'll walk side by side, not necessarily holding hands, but enveloped in a comfortable silence, a world of our own.

Imagined looking deep into your eyes and doing nothing else but.

The truth? I think you're the sexiest guy I have ever met in real life. Red doesn't have a patch on you.

Who is this wonderfully lucky girl that got the privilege to be cherished by you???

If things don't go too well with her, will you ever consider me?

Yeah, I apologise for pursuing you. It's more masculine than feminine and I bet it freaking looks desperate but I seriously can't control that part of me too well. Blame my late puberty.

I tried writing out a short story about my feelings for you but I just couldn't bring myself to make a happy ending since I already know the actual truth of reality.

I can no longer sleep normally. I can't think straight. Nothing is arranged chronologically in my mind and the days pass by as if I were in a coma.

I'm so tired of having these thoughts running constantly through my mind and I wish I had the will to make it stop but I just can't find myself doing so.

Please... Please... Please give me a chance to become your friend once again. I'm sorry I screwed up.

Truly,
Me.

The honest and painful truth

I feel like a complete fool now. Like a total complete fool.


Rainie and Summer already asked me to ignore him already for the rest of my time in college but I just had to text him one more time.


But how am I supposed to ignore him when I hardly talk or SMS with him in the first place?


That's one of the lame reasons why I decided to text him.

Me: Hope today test wasn't too hard. :) Rest well and study hard!

Law: Its physics paper 5. Kinda like peka but abit harder cause you gotta plan yourself. Its not bad though since there is alof of freedom. (Grammar errors I know)

Me: Hate that paper the most. It's like practical and I suck at that. The freedom bit got its cons cause then you don't know if you're right or wrong.

I waited for thirty minutes before I texted him but now I regret it.

Cause maybe, I was playing too hard to get.

Regardless, I'm really going to ignore him on Thursday. For real. At least there's an excuse for me to ignore him now.

Cause I can't do it tomorrow as there's no school tomorrow.

Also... I really do think that he and Ivy is together.

She spammed his timeline with kitten videos again and he commented two minutes before I went online.

And then, I found out that I couldn't see his activity in the activity slot on the right side panel.

June wasn't very supportive with how I felt but in a way, that's good I guess.

I really.... I really feel sad and upset right now.

This really seems like Sumire no Blue but I know that I won't end up with him.

And somehow, knowing that hurts me really bad.

I honestly feel like crying but I can't cause my mom's right in front of me.

Want to know what my love prediction says???

Your efforts will soon bring wonderful - well earned - success and happiness.

Thank the universe for all the love you will receive and soon you will start to see the wonderful changes.

What a laugh. I really don't see how any of them will happen.

Was I too late in acting and doing anything?

I don't know. I have no idea.

The worse bit is that I still am holding onto this small bit of hope in my heart that keeps telling me to just hold on.

I thought the second time I'd like a guy (that I actually know and talk to) and get pushed away would be less painful.

But it hurts even more.

It does.

I think I'm going to call Helen before I go to sleep.

Cause I'm too ashamed of myself to call my sisters. But maybe I will later.

Can't tell Summer cause she's stressed out about her school activities now.

After exercising just now, I felt really better but now...

It just sucks like hell.

Grabbing a hold of herself

Well... June saw the comment that I typed after Law typed his comment.


And he didn't reply to the comment which is quite okay with me cause at least there was some progress. :)


And I probably got too excited so I liked a post that he posted on his wall.


Maybe I'm just a bit too excited?


Anyway, now thanks to my stupidity, I don't know how to react tomorrow when I see him.


All that I do know is that I'm going to act cool as though seniors (who are guys) normally comment on my status update.


Which actually never very rarely happens.


I'm not going to avoid him though (as shy and as awkward as I am) cause that'd make the whole situation even more awkward.


Regardless, I'm just going to kick back and be myself.


No use getting all worked out over nothing.


Must be normal!!!!

So just pull the trigger

I don't know if it's cause I'm just too exhausted or I'm tired of waiting for something to happen but I just shot myself in the head.


Because, I just pressed the "add as friend" button on Facebook.


I am really screaming inside right now because somehow, I felt feel kind of stupid for doing that.


I mean, I actually did some prior practice (like adding other seniors) before I added Law but it doesn't feel the same.


I added him cause we've already sent each other a few texts back and forth even though it's only regarding school matters and we do know each other already and we have worked with each other.


So I'll just type down what happened at school today before I go off to sleep.


I was supposed to meet him during the first break but I used up the first half of the break celebrating my friend's birthday after which I texted him and asked him where I could find him.


By the time the bell rang, he didn't reply so I just texted him saying it's okay and I asked if I could pass the papers to him during the second break when we had our Election Board meeting and he said it was okay. He said sorry also cause he had his phone on silent.


I was really tempted to reply him but then I didn't want to look stupid so I just left it like that.


But then, I didn't pass it to him during the meeting because he went out as soon as the meeting finished so I passed it to Angel instead and she was really nice and all. :) Thank goodness.


We had our rehearsal for the campaign tomorrow after school and at first I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't see him but then when I went down, I saw him at the assembly area so I felt slightly happy that I got to see him.


He had to stayback a bit with some friends to talk about the campaign tomorrow.


Throughout that time, I just sat down and tried to finish doing our house's banner which I think I can finish drawing by this Friday, hopefully. :)


I saw him looking in my direction once for quite some time but I will not think too much about it cause it could have been a coincidence.


He went home quite late today and while I was talking with another senior, he had to wait for our conversation to finish cause he was sending the senior back home.


I kind of feel this weird atmosphere between us.


I think it's cause he knows I'm interested in him and he doesn't know what to do.


I feel stupid for adding him.


What if he doesn't accept it????!!! =-=;


I don't want to stress too much over this small thing and I need to concentrate more on my studies and other duties.


Tomorrow's Valentine's Day in case you guys forgot.


I'm truthfully a little excited since this is the first time in 12 years that I've attended a co-ed school and I wonder how it'll be like tomorrow.


I'm quite certain some of my friends will get a couple of confessions cause they're all so pretty and nice. :)


As for me, I'm definitely not going to confess unless something stupid overpowers me and then I'll know I'll regret my future words and actions in the future.


Okay, I've got to go to sleep now.