Sumire no Blue

I felt like reading Obata Yuuki's Sumire no Blue just now.


I haven't read mangas in a long time so it took awhile for me to get adjusted to it.


But all in all, I can finally relate to that story. Like for real.


I could never understand the whole "I like him, I hope he doesn't hate me" and "I won't give up on liking him" and all that.


For girls who are in a bit of a love dilemma and for those who are uncertain about what to do to act on your feelings, you guys will be able to relate to this manga very well.


I know I did. I got several heartcramps and I almost felt like crying.


Cause I know, I really do know, exactly how she felt.




But why did I really feel like reading that?




Well, today, I felt like I just had to text him after I saw what Ivy posted on his timeline.




I saw him early in the morning with Ray at the assembly hall, studying for their trials today and I did my best to not look in his direction. Then, when June came, we both went upstairs but then after we placed our bags in the lecture hall, we went back down cause I needed to buy paper clips and sweets (they keep me awake during lectures).


So when we were going back, I stopped by the table where I usually sit at in the morning while waiting for everyone to come to show Helen my sweets.


And she confiscated them.


So I got a little bit crazy cause I really needed to keep myself awake with them but she only gave me three sweets.


And I fell asleep during Biology because of that. Haha.


Anyway, June and I went back up after that.




Then, I asked June whether or not I should text him but she discouraged me saying that it would be too obvious and she gave other reasons as well so my courage faded and I got disheartened.


I went to the washroom towards the end of the second lecture and when I came out, Sasha also happened to come out and she smiled at me.

Sasha: Hey. :)

Me: Hey hey. :)

Sasha: Did you know what happened when you went up just now?

Me: Huh?

Sasha: When Helen was confiscating your sweets?

Me: What happened?

Sasha: When you went up, he kept on looking at our table.

Me: Are you sure?

Sasha: Yes.

And then I got so much energy and positive feelings from all of those.

So during the first break, I sat with Helen and a couple of other friends (although I'm not really close with those guys) as well as Roy and also with another one of my friends who knows about Law, Trish.

I updated Trish abut Law and then she said that I should just text him.

I typed out a text and my thumb was hovering around the 'send' button so Helen got impatient and she just pressed my thumb.

And then I hid my phone.

And when I heard my message tone, I didn't even bother to check cause I just squealed.

Helen checked it for me and she confirmed that it was indeed him.

Here are the few texts that we sent each other back and forth.

Me: Hey hey.  :)  How was exam just now?

Law: Physics... Killer.... My god it was worst than chemistry.

Me: What paper was it oh? Paper 2? Can't imagine anything worse than chemistry. :S

Law: Its paper 4 which is kinda like paper 2. We dont have objective anymore...

Me: That sucks like bad. At least you got Wednesday!  :)  So no test for one day. Darnigans. Just realised you're in exam now.

Okay, you should know something.

I only got brave enough to do that cause I thought that he would have left college as soon as the first paper ended.

But he didn't.

And I got the shock of my life when I saw that he was still standing outside the exam hall so Trish and I walked immediately into our lecture hall which is right across the exam hall.

When I told Ariel what I did, she told me that before I came and after I went into the lecture hall, he seemed to be always staring in the lecture hall's direction.

And he was one of the last ones to go inside the hall together with Ray.

His last message came at 10.27 am and his exam was supposed to start at 10.10 am.

Was he waiting for my reply???

For now, I can confirm that he really does know that it's me who's sending the messages.

Just remembered something, when he was talking with Ray while I was on my way up with Trish (after I replied him) when I saw him and he was smiling and grinning together with Ray.

He replied to me when I got inside the lecture hall.

I was blushing throughout that whole time.

I really don't know what to think of my situation now.

I'm currently talking with one of my old primary school mates, Mandy. Amazing how we can still talk very much like how we used to (except on a much more grown up level) and I'm telling her about Law cause she saw my journal on deviantart.

Also, my Chinese horoscope for today was this: Your love life is about to get extremely interesting today. If you are still single, you may meet someone whose religious beliefs, values or moral traditions are different from yours. Keep an open mind, they might not be as different as you think.

And tomorrow it's this: It's a very romantic day today. You will be a bit scattered and day-dreamy, with your head in the clouds. Fortunately for you there is an old fuddy-duddy in your family who grabs you by the ankles and pulls you back down to earth at moments like this.

And supposedly, throughout this week, it's a very good romantic week.

I must not think too much. Really.

But Sumire no Blue really gave me hope.

Like I shouldn't give up on him.

I'll just see where all of this falls into place.

I've been punked?

Cutting things short (cause it's late and all my initial happy energy had disappeared), Law replied my text literally the minute he got out from his test.


This was how it went.

Me: Good luck for your trials tomorrow Law. :) You can do it!

Law: Haha thanks im gonna need it. Trials was hell lol. Good luck for your too, abit late haha but it would have to do.

Me: I bet it was since it was Chemistry. XD In what way is it late? Our exams haven't started. Thank you! :)

The end.

The amazing thing is that when Angel replied to my "Good Luck" text, she only said "Thank you!!!  :) ".

Why is that amazing?

It's cause I've talked more and communicated more with Angel then I have with Law and he replied me with a long text and he even wished me good luck even though I'm not sitting for any test currently.

And the text that I sent Angel was even longer than the one that I sent to Law.

And so I got excited and I thought that he'd reply me but he didn't.

Was it because I said "Thank you!!!" at the end, which could imply that I don't want to text with him anymore?

But I asked him a question didn't I?

And again, how sure can I be that he knows it's me? I mean, does he know that that's my number? Shouldn't he know that only the year twos are having trials now? So, does that mean he thinks I'm someone else?

But in my first message, I already implied that it was "his" trials and not mine so shouldn't that say that I'm not taking my test?

Yes, these thoughts were plaguing my mind and now it has me thinking that he's pranking me.

But he's a really nice guy and I don't think that he'd do that.

But yet again, the words he used to text me were slightly different then usual that is, if I compare them to the comment he made on my status.

Also, I just found out that I'm no longer the only year one from the Election Board who's his Facebook friend and I feel quite upset because of that.

Maybe that's the girl who likes him as well.

You know what? Maybe I'm over thinking too much.

I'm just going to think believe that he knows it was me who sent the text and that he's too busy studying to reply.

Also, since he did reply to the text, this means that it'll be okay if I comment on certain stuff that he posts up and like them (not all the time of course) and this also means that he doesn't hate me and that I can say "Hi" to him at school.

Summer said that him sending me a long text is a good sign but it's too early to say anything for sure.

She said "If some random person texted me 'Good Luck' I would have said 'Haha thanks' but that would be all."

I must think good thoughts about him!

Even my prediction says so: Happiness can be found with someone near when you look closely and discover the good in their heart.

I must remember how happy I felt when I got his text.

I literally rolled around and squealed to June and then I told Jean, Lee Anne, Elva, Sasha and another girl who is Elva's classmate and Jean, Lee Anne and Sasha kept on complaining that I only listened to Ariel (the classmate whom I always sit with in class and who knows about Law) because thanks to her, I got the courage to text Law.

Anyway, I must sleep now cause it's almost half-past two in the morning.

Night.

Must not think too much!!!!!

3 Months

It's been three months since I started liking him.


And now, I feel a bit more mature in the sense that I actually really want to be his friend before I let this feeling get any stronger.


Also, I texted him good luck just now for his trials tomorrow.


Yes, it took a lot of courage and hesitation and optimism.


It could break or make my day but I will survive past any disappointment. :)


My hands were shaking and I had to take deep breaths and after texting him, I had to calm myself down by rolling on the bed.


And then I hid my phone because I couldn't bring myself to look at it, to check for any reply.


I had practiced sending a couple of texts to seniors before texting him to make myself a bit more confident.


I hardly saw him today at school.


I only saw him for a few minutes during the first break.


As for the second break, I only saw him for a moment at the end as I had a meeting.


He was walking with Ray and I was on the phone (purposely on the phone =-=;) and I was about to muster the courage to greet him when Elva began talking with me.


So I didn't get the chance.


At least all my doubts about his friends hating me have cleared cause they waved at me and I waved back (Ray included).


Okay, I'm going to go and check my phone now and I will do my best to not be disappointed.


Also, I'm also going to start to diet seriously starting from tomorrow because I want to look good for our college's prom night.

At a nonplus

I saw him sitting at a distance in front of me during the first break with a different group of friends and I felt like he looked my way a couple of times but then again I was too busy finishing up my Malaysian Studies assignment to even ogle at him.


I couldn't wait for second break to come any faster.


The minute I got out of English class, I went to pick June up in her class and then we went downstairs to buy lunch.


I placed my miscellaneous items on a table quite near where Law was sitting during the first break cause I figured that he wouldn't sit in the same place again.


So I went to buy lunch and when I came back, Sasha was sitting with one of my international friends, Lee Anne, at the table where I placed my things so I just sat down with them. Presently, June and Jean came around and sat down as well.


Then, when I had just begun to eat, I saw that Law walked by to my left (even though my sight was slightly blocked by Lee Anne and June who were sitting to my left) and that he sat down at the table right next to us.


After that, I couldn't really pay attention to what I was scooping into my mouth and I'm pretty sure I looked like a mess.


Throughout that time, my cheeks were burning up and it was so hot I actually wondered if I had a fever.


Sasha said to me "And again, another good location." I started to blush even harder and I looked away.


June also said that she saw Law looking at our table as if to see who was sitting there.


I've never seen him do that.


I hope I can trust June's sight.


Helen came to our place and started to tell me that she had lost something and naturally I listened to her but then she got up and went cause she said she needed to find some people.


I continued to sit there with the rest of them before I got up and went to buy ice creams with June and when we sat back down, Jean, Sasha and Lee Anne started to get up.


And so it was down to the both of us.


Over at his table as well, two of his friends (the couple) left and it was down to him, another guy friend and Ray who somehow kept on going to Law's table throughout break.


And then it became really tense cause almost every table around us was empty.


Then, June announced that we should go so I complied and I followed her to the sink where she washed her hands.


Then, Helen called me to tell me that she had found the thing that she lost and I began talking to her.


I noticed that Law and his friends also got up but then he started walking towards the main stairs so I felt slightly relieved.


But then, just as I took a step towards the hallway to the main stairs, he turned around and made his way towards me and I think he wanted to say something, I really do.


But I was fool cause I was too scared and nervous that I kept on saying to Helen on the phone "Wait! No! Wait! No! Wait! No!" repeatedly.


And we just passed by each other.


He and a friend was right behind me and Helen as we walked up the stairs.


I had to go to their lecture hall after that to meet some seniors and I think he was a bit surprised at that cause he kept on looking in my direction when I was there.


But tell me, if you weren't interested in that person, would you still continue to look at them?


I wish I could just text him right now or call him and talk to him.


But so many people is asking me to wait.


Like this prediction: Stay on the course, keep looking for the good and things will go your way in the long run - even if they don't appear to be working out in the short run.


And I admit, I was pretty shocked at one of the horoscope readings which went:


Mercury's retrograde phase brought him back into your communication sector on the 24th March, creating a second chance to give the past and unsaid words a voice. As Mercury turns direct today hold onto that opportunity and take this with you into the future, learning from past experience. This comes just as Venus returns to your work sector and when finding a balance between your personal and professional lives becomes a lot more important. You can't achieve the right balance without communication.


That was the day of the Election Board party and the day he first talked to me about something other than school.


How did it know???!


So I asked whether or not we'd be able to talk tomorrow and I got this:


Reactions positive to what you are seeking. Trying is not needed, only desire to do.


So you know what? I'm just going to take another risk of looking stupid and I'm going to greet him tomorrow with a smile and a "Hi" and hopefully, he won't hate me.

It hurts

Because I can't say what I really want to say to him.


I couldn't even write down what I really wanted to say to him in the post-it.


What I wanted to write is that I'd really love to be by his side, helping him with his studies while getting to know him better.


I wanted to reassure him with SMS-es and phone calls.


But I'm just too shy and cowardly to do any of those.


I saw Ray looking at me during the first break when I was scanning the crowd to look for Law but I pretended to not notice.


During the second break, I was sitting alone waiting for my friends and waiting for Law to show up with his friends (cause I really wondered how how his reaction would be to my post-it) when I suddenly heard his voice to my left in the table directly next to mine but I didn't dare to look there.


When I finally did, I didn't see him so I thought that I was going crazy.


But, the next time I glanced, I saw that he was indeed sitting there.


I passed him by a few times to deposit my plate into the provided plate basin as well to buy ice creams with June.


I felt a bit awkward but I just kept quiet.


When they all stood up to leave, I noticed that he hung back quite a bit and kept on looking in my direction, I think, while he waited for his friends to buy ice creams.


I felt like he wanted to talk to me.


But I had no idea how to react.


And once again, I only saw his back as we walked back up the stairs.


I only have two more days.


And I'm going crazy.


I really want to do something on impulse but I'm such a freaking coward.


I feel really sad today.


Going to sleep now.


I can't believe that I really like him so much.


I just wish that I could talk with him.


Oh yeah, my love prediction for today.


The flame has been lit - note the interest in your admirer when he's near.


If only that were real.


I just want to know who he thinks is the most attractive female Year One in the Election Board.


And I also want to know what he thinks of me.


I want to know if he likes me.

The girl who can't be moved

My prediction for today was this: 


Queen of Swords - A woman that considers only the absolute truth of a situation without regard to mitigating circumstances. A quick and decisive woman. Someone able to understand the hidden motives behind others' thinking. A candid and frank person, sometimes at the expense of others' feelings. A funny and irreverent sort of woman that makes others laugh. You may not always agree with this woman, but her wisdom is absolute.


I didn't expect it to come true but it did.


The Queen of Swords was June.


I was telling her how I felt about being so uncertain of what I should do next and she gave me the best piece of advice ever.


"Don't hope too much. Cause, if nothing happens you won't get too hurt but if something does happen, you will truly be happy. Just wait for it because I believe something will happen and when the chance comes, take it."


Her words got me thinking.


It's not like it's the end of the world if Law doesn't respond to how I feel.


And I sure as hell won't ever repeat the same mistake over and over again.


Another prediction:


Five of Swords - You've suffered a loss or defeat but can now regroup. New confidence and verve. Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan. Be a little more sure of yourself and others will join you. You don't need anyone's approval in the way you live your life. You have been a little too giving. New friendships can be formed. People are willing to trust you.


So it seems as though tomorrow will be a good day.


Again, another one:


The Hermit - Exploration (Inversus) You are taking a conservative attitude towards love. You are suspicious of your lover. You might be experiencing a frivolous affair. Your high standard in love life causes many ups and downs in the relationship. You are afraid to confess to your love, and therefore there is no way to further develop this relationship.


And then that got me wondering, should I really take the first move and plainly show him that I like him?


And the next one confirmed it for me.


"Tell him how you feel. Changes will come."


And now that makes me wonder, should I really take the initiative to make the first move?


That prediction really really amused me.


I think one of the reasons why I like to read my predictions is cause I like to analyse and interpret things a lot which, in certain ways, are good but in other ways are downright terrible.


Today, when I went down for my only break (which was during the first break), I couldn't find Law anywhere in the cafeteria as hard as I tried to look for him.


I guessed that he went to the IT lab or something so I had to settle down and I tried to keep myself cool and composed.


Oh yeah, remember the guy that I said that I think is interested in me?


Let's call this dude Roy.


He sat across me at a different table today and I kind of noticed that he got all awkward around me but I did my best to show that I'm not interested in him.


June thinks it's funny though.


Urgh.


I hope I'll be sane enough to not go after him.


Anyway, I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to see Law but then again, I kept repeating June's advice to myself.


And, if Law was really interested in me, he'd still be interested in me even though he didn't see me.


And if he isn't, then it's okay for me cause at least I didn't look like a fool in front of him.


Which reminds me, yesterday while we sat behind him, I mentioned Hunger Games and how June and Helen and all our other friends should go out and watch it after getting out SPM results and I kind of talked too loud I think.


It's probably cause I wanted him to hear that I wanted to watch it since he's a big fan of it.


Stupid.


Somehow, I knew Law would go down for the second break but unfortunately I couldn't go down for the second break cause I had a meeting to attend to. (Did I mention that I am now the Extra Curricular Activities' Secretary and the Graduation Committee Vice Secretary? I seem to have become some kind of secretary figure this year. XD)


When I finally got out, I had to rush to get to class cause I had a Malaysian Studies test after that.


The second I walked out from the office, I heard his voice.


I looked up but I didn't see anyone so I said to myself "You must be going crazy".


Needless to say, I still kept on looking at the flights of stairs to see whether or not he was there just to make sure.


And then suddenly, I saw him and he also looked at me.


And then, I just had to do what I always do which is to look away and continue to walk.


You know, these situations always happens in my dreams.


I always run away when I'm about to approach the person I like.


I have to learn to be braver and to just look him back in the eye and smile but as easy as that sounds, I have a huge problem executing it out.


I must not be afraid.


I shall now go to sleep.


PS. My face is freaking horrible now cause of my allergies. I got the attack after I ate food from one of the cafeteria stalls so now I have to be conscious and try out the other stall. If I still get these reactions, I'll have to start bringing food from home which in a way is good cause then I'll get to showcase my culinary skills.  XD  

So just pull the trigger

I don't know if it's cause I'm just too exhausted or I'm tired of waiting for something to happen but I just shot myself in the head.


Because, I just pressed the "add as friend" button on Facebook.


I am really screaming inside right now because somehow, I felt feel kind of stupid for doing that.


I mean, I actually did some prior practice (like adding other seniors) before I added Law but it doesn't feel the same.


I added him cause we've already sent each other a few texts back and forth even though it's only regarding school matters and we do know each other already and we have worked with each other.


So I'll just type down what happened at school today before I go off to sleep.


I was supposed to meet him during the first break but I used up the first half of the break celebrating my friend's birthday after which I texted him and asked him where I could find him.


By the time the bell rang, he didn't reply so I just texted him saying it's okay and I asked if I could pass the papers to him during the second break when we had our Election Board meeting and he said it was okay. He said sorry also cause he had his phone on silent.


I was really tempted to reply him but then I didn't want to look stupid so I just left it like that.


But then, I didn't pass it to him during the meeting because he went out as soon as the meeting finished so I passed it to Angel instead and she was really nice and all. :) Thank goodness.


We had our rehearsal for the campaign tomorrow after school and at first I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't see him but then when I went down, I saw him at the assembly area so I felt slightly happy that I got to see him.


He had to stayback a bit with some friends to talk about the campaign tomorrow.


Throughout that time, I just sat down and tried to finish doing our house's banner which I think I can finish drawing by this Friday, hopefully. :)


I saw him looking in my direction once for quite some time but I will not think too much about it cause it could have been a coincidence.


He went home quite late today and while I was talking with another senior, he had to wait for our conversation to finish cause he was sending the senior back home.


I kind of feel this weird atmosphere between us.


I think it's cause he knows I'm interested in him and he doesn't know what to do.


I feel stupid for adding him.


What if he doesn't accept it????!!! =-=;


I don't want to stress too much over this small thing and I need to concentrate more on my studies and other duties.


Tomorrow's Valentine's Day in case you guys forgot.


I'm truthfully a little excited since this is the first time in 12 years that I've attended a co-ed school and I wonder how it'll be like tomorrow.


I'm quite certain some of my friends will get a couple of confessions cause they're all so pretty and nice. :)


As for me, I'm definitely not going to confess unless something stupid overpowers me and then I'll know I'll regret my future words and actions in the future.


Okay, I've got to go to sleep now.

I'm supposed to be very busy now

But I really need to get certain things off my chest.


Really. =-=;


I'm so freaking disturbed and distracted now I can't concentrate in class cause half the time I'm looking at the slideshow, my mind is over-working itself by thinking and "rationalising" certain events to the point that I can make myself feel depressed.


Seriously.


I found out last Monday from a friend that on the night I told my dorm mates that I liked Law, Law's friend was right outside the door.


No wonder they were all looking at me the next morning.


I bet, I really really really bet, that every single human knows already.


Especially him.


Like this morning, when I was coming out from the room where we have our morning prayer, one of my seniors smiled at me.


And that's a first kind of thing you know.


I wasn't even sure how I was supposed to react to that but I just smiled back.


You see? My mind just over-thought that situation out.


Again.


Anyway, Law's friend (*Angel), added me on Facebook last Monday.


And I did accept it since she is a very prominent figure in school and I even wrote thanks on her wall which I really really really hope doesn't look pathetic or anything!!!!


When I told my siblings they all immediately said, "Now she's going to stalk you cause she knows!!!!"


I am so freaking scared.


And I don't even know why.


I mean, it's okay to like someone right? It's our own freedom to like someone.


Today during the Election Board meeting, I made a fool of myself again especially with me being sick and all.


I did my best to be normal and not stare at him all the time and when I did, I only stared at him at the appropriate time and for an appropriate duration of time.


Funny thing is... it's like they were holding some kind of secret.


Like when I walked in, they were holding back a laugh like I was a fool or something.


Like they all knew.


And there I go again, getting paranoid over the smallest detail.


What can I say, it runs very strongly in my family's blood.


Especially my mom and she and I have the same blood type so I bet I have a serious case of paranoia.


I wish wish wish I could just give up on him but then again, I want to see what will happen if I just stuck on.


Well, I did stick on didn't I? And look at where I am now. He's one of the seniors that I do communicate with, well, kind of. :) (Edited on the 7th of April 2012)


A broken heart can be nursed back so what I should do is take a risk.


But I've never been much of a risk taker either.


I don't think he's really a cold and scary person. People just need to get to know him before they say anything.


I feel like I have some  things in common with him and even if we never have that kind of relationship, I just know that he will be a really awesome friend to have. :)


Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm planning to bake cookies for my friends cause I'm too chicken to give it to him.


I like spoiling my friends too at every chance that I can get. :)


I hope that I won't turn into an attention seeker.


Please no.