Coward

I have to stop being a coward and just say "Good Morning!" to him when I see him in the morning.


I can't afford to lose anymore time.


And if he doesn't respond, well, at least I know that I can slowly let my feelings fade away for him.


But then;


Strength - Will (Orthotopic) You will conquer your lover with your softness and inner beauty. For couples, you two will overcome the difficulties, and stay together forever. You are the leader of love. If you continue to held hope for love, there will be a delightful outcome.


That was one of the predictions for today.


The other: One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes.


Reminds me, just now during Maths, a guy I knew but am not really close to suddenly came and sat down beside me for the entire period.


There was also this one part when I got up to answer a question (which I did wrongly!) and he screamed my name out loud.


And he was the only one.


Never mind.


The Election Board members will be taking group photos tomorrow. :)


Maybe I'll get the chance to talk to him more then?


On another note, I cut my fringe today and it turned out quite good!


It was pretty expensive though just for a fringe cut.


Okay, for now, I won't hope too much but when I do get the chance, I will do my best to not waste it! :)

The girl who can't be moved

My prediction for today was this: 


Queen of Swords - A woman that considers only the absolute truth of a situation without regard to mitigating circumstances. A quick and decisive woman. Someone able to understand the hidden motives behind others' thinking. A candid and frank person, sometimes at the expense of others' feelings. A funny and irreverent sort of woman that makes others laugh. You may not always agree with this woman, but her wisdom is absolute.


I didn't expect it to come true but it did.


The Queen of Swords was June.


I was telling her how I felt about being so uncertain of what I should do next and she gave me the best piece of advice ever.


"Don't hope too much. Cause, if nothing happens you won't get too hurt but if something does happen, you will truly be happy. Just wait for it because I believe something will happen and when the chance comes, take it."


Her words got me thinking.


It's not like it's the end of the world if Law doesn't respond to how I feel.


And I sure as hell won't ever repeat the same mistake over and over again.


Another prediction:


Five of Swords - You've suffered a loss or defeat but can now regroup. New confidence and verve. Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan. Be a little more sure of yourself and others will join you. You don't need anyone's approval in the way you live your life. You have been a little too giving. New friendships can be formed. People are willing to trust you.


So it seems as though tomorrow will be a good day.


Again, another one:


The Hermit - Exploration (Inversus) You are taking a conservative attitude towards love. You are suspicious of your lover. You might be experiencing a frivolous affair. Your high standard in love life causes many ups and downs in the relationship. You are afraid to confess to your love, and therefore there is no way to further develop this relationship.


And then that got me wondering, should I really take the first move and plainly show him that I like him?


And the next one confirmed it for me.


"Tell him how you feel. Changes will come."


And now that makes me wonder, should I really take the initiative to make the first move?


That prediction really really amused me.


I think one of the reasons why I like to read my predictions is cause I like to analyse and interpret things a lot which, in certain ways, are good but in other ways are downright terrible.


Today, when I went down for my only break (which was during the first break), I couldn't find Law anywhere in the cafeteria as hard as I tried to look for him.


I guessed that he went to the IT lab or something so I had to settle down and I tried to keep myself cool and composed.


Oh yeah, remember the guy that I said that I think is interested in me?


Let's call this dude Roy.


He sat across me at a different table today and I kind of noticed that he got all awkward around me but I did my best to show that I'm not interested in him.


June thinks it's funny though.


Urgh.


I hope I'll be sane enough to not go after him.


Anyway, I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to see Law but then again, I kept repeating June's advice to myself.


And, if Law was really interested in me, he'd still be interested in me even though he didn't see me.


And if he isn't, then it's okay for me cause at least I didn't look like a fool in front of him.


Which reminds me, yesterday while we sat behind him, I mentioned Hunger Games and how June and Helen and all our other friends should go out and watch it after getting out SPM results and I kind of talked too loud I think.


It's probably cause I wanted him to hear that I wanted to watch it since he's a big fan of it.


Stupid.


Somehow, I knew Law would go down for the second break but unfortunately I couldn't go down for the second break cause I had a meeting to attend to. (Did I mention that I am now the Extra Curricular Activities' Secretary and the Graduation Committee Vice Secretary? I seem to have become some kind of secretary figure this year. XD)


When I finally got out, I had to rush to get to class cause I had a Malaysian Studies test after that.


The second I walked out from the office, I heard his voice.


I looked up but I didn't see anyone so I said to myself "You must be going crazy".


Needless to say, I still kept on looking at the flights of stairs to see whether or not he was there just to make sure.


And then suddenly, I saw him and he also looked at me.


And then, I just had to do what I always do which is to look away and continue to walk.


You know, these situations always happens in my dreams.


I always run away when I'm about to approach the person I like.


I have to learn to be braver and to just look him back in the eye and smile but as easy as that sounds, I have a huge problem executing it out.


I must not be afraid.


I shall now go to sleep.


PS. My face is freaking horrible now cause of my allergies. I got the attack after I ate food from one of the cafeteria stalls so now I have to be conscious and try out the other stall. If I still get these reactions, I'll have to start bringing food from home which in a way is good cause then I'll get to showcase my culinary skills.  XD  

Stuck

I really don't know what to do with my limited courage and unimpressive communication skills to get to talk to him.


Today, I thought he wasn't going to come to school but then June went and checked in his lecture hall and lo and behold, he was there.


She's got guts that girl.


Did I mention that she actually read this entire blog in one day the minute I gave her the link?


Thanks for reading this. And thank you so much for finding it interesting! :)


So about Law...


I felt like he purposely sat at a place where he was facing me during the first break.


Ray usually sits next to him and I noticed that when he was about to join Law, he gave me a look.


Most probably it's because I was sitting alone as all my other friends had to sit for their Malaysian Studies examination so they skipped the first break to study.


When that break was over and I placed my dishes into the basin, I went to the main stairs and started to go up slowly while reading the Star Wars book.


As I was going up the third flight of stairs, I heard one of my senior's voice from behind so I naturally went to the side to let him pass by but strangely enough, it took him quite some time to pass by.


When he did, he passed by with Law.


I bet I freaking looked like a nerd.


During the second break, June said that he smiled at her at the beginning of the break and I have no idea why.


He sat right in front of me with his back turned at the opposite table but I noticed that he kind of kept on turning his head to the back after turning to face his back once and throughout that time, he was smiling and grinning a lot.


Then, we had to leave early so I felt a bit sad.


I went after June to tell her that Helen and I had to go up first and after I told her, I turned around and I think I saw that Law was looking at me but I can't be too sure.


Now, I'm in a position where I don't know if I should still like him or not or make the first move or not.


Cause the sooner I delay this, the more depressed I'll get, the more crazier I'll become and then I might do something I might regret.


Prediction of the day: The Star - Hope (Orthotopic) You will encounter an ideal candidate and start of a sweet romance. Both of you are dedicated to the relationship. And at the same time, the friendship between you two will transform into the spirit of love.


Apparently, tomorrow will be a good day for me with Virgos (namely Law).


Let's hope it'll end up that way.

The first letter

Dear Law,


I noticed that you didn't go to school today.
Either that or I just couldn't find you.
I somehow think it's the former because I couldn't sense you at school.


So, you must be wondering how I'm holding up with that right?


Bad.


Very bad.


When I realised that I couldn't see you for one day today, I freaked out and I got really sad.


I got so sad I started laughing at everything and just smiled and smiled and smiled even though I felt like I was crumbling up into pieces on the inside.


I wonder if you know how much being able to see you just once a day means to me.


And today, when I realised this, I panicked even more.


Why?


You'll be gone in 18 days cause you wouldn't be obliged to come to school anymore as you'll be on a study break.


This means, I only have 18 days to see you around in school and get the chance to talk to you.


When I typed out that sentence, you really have no idea how much my heart hurt just now from a really huge cramp.
It was as though a giant had taken my heart and compressed it with his gigantic hands.


I'll be very busy this week as well so I won't be able to even see you during the first and second break that much and honestly, those combined 50 minutes of being able to be somewhere near you makes my day.


You know what?


Just seeing you for 10 seconds is already enough to give me the drive to go on and be happy throughout the entire day.


I finally gathered up the courage to smile at you and say "Hey, good morning!" today but when you didn't come, I felt a slight disappointment.


I'm not blaming you for not coming to school today.


For all I know, you're sick or something urgent came up so I have no right to blame you.


In fact, I blame myself the most.


Why do I have to be such a shy person who can't even make a move within 2 months?


I replay all the times I could have talked to you and that just makes me feel even worse.


Why?


Because, today I talked with one of my seniors (i.e. one of your friends/classmate) just fine and it could have been you if only the both of us had worked together side-by-side that day.


But no.


I was too scared to make a move.


Even if you had the slightest interest in me, it'll be gone soon because you will forget me cause I know that I'm easy to forget.


I'm not pretty or smart or remotely unique.


I really don't think that I'm worthy enough to even look at you.


Why did I have to fall for you???


Still, I feel so lucky to have fallen for you and that even the small coincidences and interactions that we had together really really made me happy.


What the hell, it still makes me happy.


When I read your writing, I find them very interesting and at the same time, very cute, cause you are still such a good boy despite all these bad influence surrounding you.


You know, I typed out a SMS for you today cause I just couldn't take it anymore but I couldn't press the send button.
It's still in my drafts.


I hope that... I really hope that you'll like me.


Because, I really really really like you.


A lot.


Beth




And so ends my first letter for Law in this blog.


I'm not going to colour it because that will just take the whole point out from the message.




I asked my predictions just now; "Will he make the first move on me?"


I got: 


Recent past: Knight of Cups - A champion in love. Willing to come to the aid of one's loved ones. A defender of truth. Bravery and courage. Caught up in the fantasies associated with love. Slow and steady course. A youthful man in love. May be in love with idea of love and romance. An emotionally sensitive man in loving relationships. A skillful new lover.


Current Situation: Two of Cups - New meanings in relationships. Contracts in the creative arts. Union of hearts and minds. Possibilities to heal old wounds. New energies surging around you. Time to put creative thoughts into action. Good time for dreams and goals that have been put off to begin. Good time to begin work on new plan. All pieces are in place. First step to new future is at hand.


Future influences: King of Cups - A devoted husband and father. A man fiercely protective of his loved ones. A successful and mature man employed in the creative arts. A new connection is possible. A man capable of giving and receiving love freely without the reservations of youth. Love lessons have been learned, this man is ready for deep commitment. Appreciation for creative pursuits.


I wished that the both of us would get together.


I got: The Sun - Life (Inversus) There is a minor conflict between you and your lover, but later the conflict will be subsides, just like the clouds temporarily cover the sun. So do not say wondering words to each other, because you two are still in love with each other.


That gave me some hope and strength.


Next: Expect to plunge yourself into some new physical and emotional experiences with someone adventurous.


I really hope that I'll get to see him tomorrow.


And when I do, I will smile and greet him.


This has proven very effective cause the last time I did it to a senior, I became quite okay with that senior.


I shall take the first step.


Tomorrow.


Definitely.

Take the lead

Apparently, that's what I'm supposed to do.


I shall post up my daily predictions and that'll explain a lot.


"Be honest and give as much as you get."


The Emperor - Governance (Orthotopic) You will encounter a lover who is mature and responsible, but s/her does not believe in honeyed words. But instead, s/he will act as a father. s/he could be a bit authoritative but trustworthy (sounds like him), hence you will love and be scared of him/her at the same time. The relationship lacks communication, and thus more time is needed for exchanging deep thoughts. On the other hand, you might meet someone who is more favorable to you. In this relationship, you should take the initiative. Don’t miss the good opportunity because of doubt.


Ace of Swords - Need to break down the bare bones of a situation and think this through. Leave doubt behind and concentrate on the details that need your focus. Get to the heart of the matter and begin. A new business matter that needs solid planning and vision. It's time to find your inner strength and carry out your work. Logic and reason are in focus. Factual exploration may be needed.




And all of these predictions came from different applications on Facebook.


And because of those predictions, I feel like I really need to step up my game even if it's only by just a fraction.


My predictions also keeps on reminding me that I need to correct certain people's opinions towards me and I hope that if it is regarding Law, I'll be able to correct his judgement.


I don't know why I like him.


All I do know is that if I never get the chance to really show that I'm interested in him, without making a total fool of myself, I know that I'll regret it forever.


So, when I do meet him, be it at school or even out of school, I will definitely give him a nice smile and say "Hey!" or "Good morning!" cause I've missed all my previous opportunities and I don't want to miss anymore chances that I might get.


I'm feeling a bit pressured to do this because this will be the last month that I'll get to see him at school because starting from April onward, all the Year 2 A-Level science and commerce students won't be attending school anymore.


So, this means that I won't even get to see him.


My mind is really doubting me right now but I'm going to do my best to look past that pessimistic bit of me and just go with my gut feeling and intuition and just show Law that I am definitely interested in him.


That's going to take a lot of courage for sure because I am really really scared of rejection but then again this will only make me become more mature.


Naturally, of course, I won't just blurt out "Law... I like you" or anything like that but instead I'll make the effort to try and talk to him and make eye contact with him and smile at him but not really all the time of course.


Dear God, please, please, please let me be able to do this with all the courage I have.


And... I also hope and pray (and I'm really being honest and hopeful here) that he likes me too. That he's also interested in me and that he wants to get to know me better.


I'm going to sleep early-ish cause I want to see if more sleep will help me with my skin problems.


Night. :)


PS. On a different note, I didn't get to win any match for the badminton tournament today. I gave it 200%. Really, I did. I just wished that my partner had been a bit more co-operative and that she had the spirit to win and give it her all. I feel so sorry that I let my team mates down. I will definitely improve and win next year.

First Step

Last night, I had my third dream about Law.


I don't remember the exact details but I do remember that he came to see my family and then after that we got together even though initially there was this weird atmosphere between the both of us.


Is this a sign of how it's going to be like in real life?


Cause, it is kind of like that right now.


During the first break I had to eat something heavy since I had a meeting later on during the second break. The meeting was regarding the two graduations that were going to be held this year and I'm now the Vice Secretary of the Graduation Ceremony Committee. :)


So, when I wanted to find seats for June and I, I saw that he was sitting down with his friends and I knew it was him even though I only saw his back so I decided to pick a table that was a bit more further away from him even though the table right next to theirs was empty and nearer to me.


And so, June and I sat roughly a table away from him.


Then, after a minute or so, I noticed that he got up from his table and went to the table that I had wanted to sit down at.


So he was quite near us.


I wonder why he decided to change his table.


I also caught one of his friends glancing at me but that was only for a split second.


During the fire drill, I totally zoned out and I got really sleepy so by the time we all trudged down, I was all for a table and a chair so that I could sleep.


After I watched a few demonstrations, I decided to just sleep.


And I wasn't asleep for long cause one of my friends woke me up and then she and June went on about how I should stand near Law and initiate a conversation with him and then I just decided to run away to the meeting room instead.


Later on, the sleep got to me so I conked out a few times during the Biology lecture.


After that though, I got super pumped cause it was spring cleaning time.


Before the Biology lecture actually started, I prayed to God to give me the chance to talk to Law.


Really.


I really did pray.


Very hard.


When I reached the Election Board room, I only saw one senior there and I was a bit crestfallen but then, I heard his voice and I saw him so I was like "YES!" in my head.


Then, I was a bit unsure of what to do so I just stepped inside and placed my bag and stuff on the chair.


And then, I talked to him.


I really did.


Even if it was just stuff regarding the spring cleaning, I still got to talk to him.

Me: So, what should I do to begin?

Law: Actually, we don't even know where to begin. We're just cleaning up.

There was more stuff but I can't remember them now.

After that, I had to return things back to the storeroom so I lost some time with him.

I had to go back once though to ask the other senior something and when I opened the door, Law was right in front of me.

And I noticed that his eyebrows were slightly raised so my mind went like "Hmmmmm....." but it didn't stay that way for too long cause I had to make a couple of inquiries and even Law answered some of them. :)

By the time I finished that short errand, both of them were jabbering away so I didn't feel like I should interrupt them and another senior was also in the room.

Then, both of them suddenly started singing the Spongebob Squarepants theme song.

Then, the other senior, Ray, spoke to me.

Ray: Can you believe they actually sang this for one of the Leadership Camp?

Me: *extra big voice* Really?! You mean they actually had to dance to that?

Ray: Well, I don't know.

Law: *small voice* Well, I don't think you can actually dance to Spongebob....

That conversation was a bit awkward but then again, I was talking to Ray so why did Law suddenly join?

This reassures me that he doesn't really mind getting into a conversation with me. :)

He had to leave early though so I was a bit sad but overall, I feel so lucky that I got to talk to him. :)

It shows that he actually knows me. :)

I found out that he likes playing badminton.

Tomorrow, I'll be playing badminton for my sports house and I hope that I'll give a good impression even though he won't be there.

Love prediction for today! I got another prediction for today!

You've made a score today - this is a time to share and be positive with your partner.

I've got to go sleep soon to get some rest and energy. :)

I hope that this gut feeling that I have won't turn out to be the other way round.

And for once, I didn't waste my chance!!!! 


I got another prediction for today!


Your admirer is drawn to you by your adventurous spirit and openness, now you can expect bigger and better changes in your life soon. That's called the magical world of romance! Your admirer will surprise you more and more.


Please please please let it mean Law. :)

Raising one's eyebrows

Did you know?


If a guy is interested in you, he'll raise his eyebrows even if it's just a marginal fraction.


I looked that up online today after school when I was bored of taking quizzes.


Well, not exactly. I was looking up for signs that a guy is interested in you through his body language.


So, before I start ranting about Law, I'll just rant about my test today.


Today we had Mathematics and Chemistry.


Maths was quite good actually. I finished the whole paper within 45 minutes so I could check my answers twice and I really hope I didn't do any careless mistake.


Chemistry on the other hand was a bit hard (cause I forgot to read an important topic).


I had to do draw this graph:

And I foolishly did a quadratic graph.

What the hell was I thinking?!

I knew this graph!!!

I think I just panicked sightly but I now know what I shouldn't do in the future Chemistry tests.

Okay, now about Law. :)

I got to school a bit later than usual so I immediately went up to the exam hall so that I could get a bench to sit on  and study Maths. Then, as time went on, more of my friends started appearing so I began wondering when Law would come.

I kept on glancing at the staircase right in front of me to see whether or not he was there.

Then, when I glanced for the 100th time, I saw him walking up the stairs.

I'm not going to lie to you or to myself when I say this cause this is true;

He was going up the stairs within my line of vision when his head turned slightly to the back like he saw me sitting there.

And, he raised his eyebrows.

At first I thought, that wasn't a big deal but then when he was walking at the other corridor, he stopped within my line of vision yet again and he talked to one of my seniors but, he was facing towards me.

And then, he sat down right there for a few minutes.

I grabbed the chance to look at him cause a pole was blocking his sight from noticing that I was gawking at him.

Then, I think he got awkward with the other senior so he stood up and went to the end of the corridor and sat down there and began to study.

Honestly, he really is cute. :)

Then, after the whole test was done, I went to the last Election Board meeting and I didn't see him there at first but then, just as the meeting was about to start, he came in and took a seat that was kind of right in front of me.

After the meeting was done, we had a photo session for the Election Board even though not all the members were there.

I was about to go home when I noticed them gathering around to take pictures and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't.

So as we arranged ourselves, I naturally went over to the left side and he also went to the left side.

Unfortunately, there were two people between us so I felt sad.

Then, I got an ingenious idea.

One of the people between us is really tall (yes, taller than him even) so I asked her to switch places and go to the middle of the row and so she did.

So, we only had one person between us and I was quite happy with that. :)

There was a part during one of the informal shots that he had to excuse himself for awhile to make a phone call but then he came back and he stood behind me I think but I couldn't be sure because it was only for a short while.

But, the important thing here is that I got to take a picture with him again! :D

I feel happy cause there was one time that the seniors were making stupid gay jokes and it was really amusing so I grinned and that shows that I was listening to him.

So in a way, I did communicate with him on some level.

Throughout today, I did a re-evaluation on him and I realised that he really is a geek.

But, he is a smart and witty geek who is hot.

Really.

I'm not lying.

I hope that tomorrow during the big spring cleaning I'll get the chance to work with him and maybe even to talk to him.

I feel a bit more braver now because I realise he's just human as well.

Love prediction for today!

With the good choice you made all will go well.

This was the prediction for today:

As Mercury, planet of communication spends his last full day in your communication sector this makes this an important day for communication and connecting and a valuable day for making choices, decisions and plans. However, there is not the urgency or the 'now or never' feel that normally comes with this, for Mercury knows that he'll do a U turn in 10 days time and come back, with second chances ahead. 

That really did happen today.

Here's the one for tomorrow:

On the same day that Mercury, planet of communication leaves your communication sector the Moon returns to your relationship sector, where you most need the communication lines open. Yet Mercury has not left you on your own and his return to your home and family sector gives you a chance to ensure the communication lines are open on the home front. This sets the scene for a special weekend for home, family and relationship matters.

And tomorrow, my best compatibility is with Virgo again so yay! :D

Got to sleep now.