Sumire no Blue

I felt like reading Obata Yuuki's Sumire no Blue just now.


I haven't read mangas in a long time so it took awhile for me to get adjusted to it.


But all in all, I can finally relate to that story. Like for real.


I could never understand the whole "I like him, I hope he doesn't hate me" and "I won't give up on liking him" and all that.


For girls who are in a bit of a love dilemma and for those who are uncertain about what to do to act on your feelings, you guys will be able to relate to this manga very well.


I know I did. I got several heartcramps and I almost felt like crying.


Cause I know, I really do know, exactly how she felt.




But why did I really feel like reading that?




Well, today, I felt like I just had to text him after I saw what Ivy posted on his timeline.




I saw him early in the morning with Ray at the assembly hall, studying for their trials today and I did my best to not look in his direction. Then, when June came, we both went upstairs but then after we placed our bags in the lecture hall, we went back down cause I needed to buy paper clips and sweets (they keep me awake during lectures).


So when we were going back, I stopped by the table where I usually sit at in the morning while waiting for everyone to come to show Helen my sweets.


And she confiscated them.


So I got a little bit crazy cause I really needed to keep myself awake with them but she only gave me three sweets.


And I fell asleep during Biology because of that. Haha.


Anyway, June and I went back up after that.




Then, I asked June whether or not I should text him but she discouraged me saying that it would be too obvious and she gave other reasons as well so my courage faded and I got disheartened.


I went to the washroom towards the end of the second lecture and when I came out, Sasha also happened to come out and she smiled at me.

Sasha: Hey. :)

Me: Hey hey. :)

Sasha: Did you know what happened when you went up just now?

Me: Huh?

Sasha: When Helen was confiscating your sweets?

Me: What happened?

Sasha: When you went up, he kept on looking at our table.

Me: Are you sure?

Sasha: Yes.

And then I got so much energy and positive feelings from all of those.

So during the first break, I sat with Helen and a couple of other friends (although I'm not really close with those guys) as well as Roy and also with another one of my friends who knows about Law, Trish.

I updated Trish abut Law and then she said that I should just text him.

I typed out a text and my thumb was hovering around the 'send' button so Helen got impatient and she just pressed my thumb.

And then I hid my phone.

And when I heard my message tone, I didn't even bother to check cause I just squealed.

Helen checked it for me and she confirmed that it was indeed him.

Here are the few texts that we sent each other back and forth.

Me: Hey hey.  :)  How was exam just now?

Law: Physics... Killer.... My god it was worst than chemistry.

Me: What paper was it oh? Paper 2? Can't imagine anything worse than chemistry. :S

Law: Its paper 4 which is kinda like paper 2. We dont have objective anymore...

Me: That sucks like bad. At least you got Wednesday!  :)  So no test for one day. Darnigans. Just realised you're in exam now.

Okay, you should know something.

I only got brave enough to do that cause I thought that he would have left college as soon as the first paper ended.

But he didn't.

And I got the shock of my life when I saw that he was still standing outside the exam hall so Trish and I walked immediately into our lecture hall which is right across the exam hall.

When I told Ariel what I did, she told me that before I came and after I went into the lecture hall, he seemed to be always staring in the lecture hall's direction.

And he was one of the last ones to go inside the hall together with Ray.

His last message came at 10.27 am and his exam was supposed to start at 10.10 am.

Was he waiting for my reply???

For now, I can confirm that he really does know that it's me who's sending the messages.

Just remembered something, when he was talking with Ray while I was on my way up with Trish (after I replied him) when I saw him and he was smiling and grinning together with Ray.

He replied to me when I got inside the lecture hall.

I was blushing throughout that whole time.

I really don't know what to think of my situation now.

I'm currently talking with one of my old primary school mates, Mandy. Amazing how we can still talk very much like how we used to (except on a much more grown up level) and I'm telling her about Law cause she saw my journal on deviantart.

Also, my Chinese horoscope for today was this: Your love life is about to get extremely interesting today. If you are still single, you may meet someone whose religious beliefs, values or moral traditions are different from yours. Keep an open mind, they might not be as different as you think.

And tomorrow it's this: It's a very romantic day today. You will be a bit scattered and day-dreamy, with your head in the clouds. Fortunately for you there is an old fuddy-duddy in your family who grabs you by the ankles and pulls you back down to earth at moments like this.

And supposedly, throughout this week, it's a very good romantic week.

I must not think too much. Really.

But Sumire no Blue really gave me hope.

Like I shouldn't give up on him.

I'll just see where all of this falls into place.

And.... I'm not sure what to say about today

So, let's begin describing what happened today.


When I came to school, I was early as usual and when all my friends came, I told them that today was my "D-Day". Jean also finally came back from camp.


Yesterday, I texted June and said that today I'd talk to Law and she kept on reminding me that I needed to talk to Law. Today.


During the first break, June and I sat down at a table and was just minding our own business when I noticed that a girl sat at the table in front of me and I got a bit disappointed because I was kind of hoping that Law would sit in front of me at that table.


Actually, I'd draw out how the table arrangement looks like but I don't have a tablet yet so unfortunately you guys will just have to try and get what I mean.


Anyway, while I was busy finishing my Biology manual, I saw that Law sat at that particular table.


Turns out, that girl was one of his friend's girlfriend.


I felt happy, naturally, but I continued on with my work and then more people came and sat with us (including Jean).


You know how I always steal glances at him?


Well, there was this one time that I stole a glance at him and then I caught him glancing back like it was as if he was also trying to steal a glance.


We both made eye-contact for at least half a second before I looked away because I felt embarrassed cause I was caught by him although I don't know if he does know that I was looking at him.


Meanwhile, Jean and my other friends left me and June alone and then June began to plan schemes for me.

June: You must say "Hi"  to him after this.

Me: But how? I can't just go up to him and say "Hi"!

June: Here. Pretend you're throwing rubbish or something when you approach him cause for sure he'll go and wash his hands or something.

I proceeded to protest some more before I decided to just stand up and get going but June insisted for us to slow down and so I washed my hands slowly.

By then, Law was already making his way to go buy something and June began to forcefully push me towards him.

I was getting a bit more braver when he suddenly turned around and walked by so I pretended that I wanted to buy sweets at the cafeteria with June.

Then, when June and I went back up, I realised that we were walking right behind Law and his group of friends and June kept on asking me to talk to him but then I kept on saying I couldn't cause his friends were there.

At one point, he actually turned to look in our direction but I can't be too sure.

When we reached the top floor June said "Say good bye to him!" and so I said in a hushed voice "Good bye!", making sure I wasn't heard.

But then June kept on saying "Good bye!" to him and just before he entered his class she said "Good bye, Law!" out loud in an audible voice.

Naturally, I kept my cool and didn't shriek or anything (at least I don't think so) but I sure as hell made a fool of myself when we were back in our lecture hall.

Then, during the second break, Law sat at a table that was quite far away from mine and while I was a bit relieved by that fact, all my other friends (especially June and Jean) kept on searching for him and only stopped when they saw him. It's as if they're the ones with a crush on him. =-=;

When the bell rang, I felt a bit sad that we got up earlier than them cause then that meant that I couldn't walk behind him.

I followed Helen and June to where the sinks and trashcans were cause Helen was telling me some of her problems and most definitely, friends come first before guys.

June said that while I was talking with Helen, she saw Law looking at me and I'm not even sure if she's telling the truth or not cause I was really focusing on my conversation with Helen so I wasn't really paying attention to Law when he was throwing rubbish into the trashcan.

Then, when we turned to go use the main stairs, I saw a chance for me to talk with him but then I didn't dare to cause again, he was with his friends.

If he was alone, you could bet your socks that I'd have gone up to him.

Then when I started walking, he also started walking and we almost walked together because somehow, Helen had left me alone to walk in front while his friends were lagging behind but then he kind of stopped walking and I almost did the same but I continued forward only.

Then, at the stairs, Helen caught up with me and as I waited for her to take the first few steps, Law and his gang suddenly appeared behind her.

They were all smiling and laughing and talking about something but I couldn't really hear what they were saying.

Then, June appeared and said "Beth, wait for me!" and she quickly climbed up the stairs to be nearer with me.

Then, Law's whole gang began saying more stuff and laughed even more when suddenly Law announced something and I'm not even sure what before he began running past me.

Up four flights of stairs to the fifth floor.

What was that all about???? o.O

Seriously???? o.O

Whatever happened, I must say that I did amazing progress today! :D

I think he knows that I like him already.

I don't know if that's a bad or good thing.

I'll have a chance to talk to him tomorrow cause I'll be going around to ask all the Election Board members if they're coming to the party next Saturday or not.

A lot of them didn't reply my text (him included) so I must go around and confirm with everyone manually.

Anyway, at least I took the initiative to make a "kind-of first move".

I really hope that I won't end up looking too foolish and I'm doing my best to be confident.

Some readings:

Wheel of Fortune - Reincarnation (Orthotopic) You and your lover are meant to be together and it was a first sight love. You may be construed as a new beginning, this is the opportunity for you to confess and start dating. It is the right time for you to get marry because you will get a satisfactory long-term marriage.

Your social life is going to experience an exciting new trend provided you take the initiative.

I think I'm going to sleep early after this and then wake up early to study cause I'm really tired and it's better to not study at home then to fall asleep in class.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day! :D

The girl who can't be moved

My prediction for today was this: 


Queen of Swords - A woman that considers only the absolute truth of a situation without regard to mitigating circumstances. A quick and decisive woman. Someone able to understand the hidden motives behind others' thinking. A candid and frank person, sometimes at the expense of others' feelings. A funny and irreverent sort of woman that makes others laugh. You may not always agree with this woman, but her wisdom is absolute.


I didn't expect it to come true but it did.


The Queen of Swords was June.


I was telling her how I felt about being so uncertain of what I should do next and she gave me the best piece of advice ever.


"Don't hope too much. Cause, if nothing happens you won't get too hurt but if something does happen, you will truly be happy. Just wait for it because I believe something will happen and when the chance comes, take it."


Her words got me thinking.


It's not like it's the end of the world if Law doesn't respond to how I feel.


And I sure as hell won't ever repeat the same mistake over and over again.


Another prediction:


Five of Swords - You've suffered a loss or defeat but can now regroup. New confidence and verve. Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan. Be a little more sure of yourself and others will join you. You don't need anyone's approval in the way you live your life. You have been a little too giving. New friendships can be formed. People are willing to trust you.


So it seems as though tomorrow will be a good day.


Again, another one:


The Hermit - Exploration (Inversus) You are taking a conservative attitude towards love. You are suspicious of your lover. You might be experiencing a frivolous affair. Your high standard in love life causes many ups and downs in the relationship. You are afraid to confess to your love, and therefore there is no way to further develop this relationship.


And then that got me wondering, should I really take the first move and plainly show him that I like him?


And the next one confirmed it for me.


"Tell him how you feel. Changes will come."


And now that makes me wonder, should I really take the initiative to make the first move?


That prediction really really amused me.


I think one of the reasons why I like to read my predictions is cause I like to analyse and interpret things a lot which, in certain ways, are good but in other ways are downright terrible.


Today, when I went down for my only break (which was during the first break), I couldn't find Law anywhere in the cafeteria as hard as I tried to look for him.


I guessed that he went to the IT lab or something so I had to settle down and I tried to keep myself cool and composed.


Oh yeah, remember the guy that I said that I think is interested in me?


Let's call this dude Roy.


He sat across me at a different table today and I kind of noticed that he got all awkward around me but I did my best to show that I'm not interested in him.


June thinks it's funny though.


Urgh.


I hope I'll be sane enough to not go after him.


Anyway, I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to see Law but then again, I kept repeating June's advice to myself.


And, if Law was really interested in me, he'd still be interested in me even though he didn't see me.


And if he isn't, then it's okay for me cause at least I didn't look like a fool in front of him.


Which reminds me, yesterday while we sat behind him, I mentioned Hunger Games and how June and Helen and all our other friends should go out and watch it after getting out SPM results and I kind of talked too loud I think.


It's probably cause I wanted him to hear that I wanted to watch it since he's a big fan of it.


Stupid.


Somehow, I knew Law would go down for the second break but unfortunately I couldn't go down for the second break cause I had a meeting to attend to. (Did I mention that I am now the Extra Curricular Activities' Secretary and the Graduation Committee Vice Secretary? I seem to have become some kind of secretary figure this year. XD)


When I finally got out, I had to rush to get to class cause I had a Malaysian Studies test after that.


The second I walked out from the office, I heard his voice.


I looked up but I didn't see anyone so I said to myself "You must be going crazy".


Needless to say, I still kept on looking at the flights of stairs to see whether or not he was there just to make sure.


And then suddenly, I saw him and he also looked at me.


And then, I just had to do what I always do which is to look away and continue to walk.


You know, these situations always happens in my dreams.


I always run away when I'm about to approach the person I like.


I have to learn to be braver and to just look him back in the eye and smile but as easy as that sounds, I have a huge problem executing it out.


I must not be afraid.


I shall now go to sleep.


PS. My face is freaking horrible now cause of my allergies. I got the attack after I ate food from one of the cafeteria stalls so now I have to be conscious and try out the other stall. If I still get these reactions, I'll have to start bringing food from home which in a way is good cause then I'll get to showcase my culinary skills.  XD  

Stuck

I really don't know what to do with my limited courage and unimpressive communication skills to get to talk to him.


Today, I thought he wasn't going to come to school but then June went and checked in his lecture hall and lo and behold, he was there.


She's got guts that girl.


Did I mention that she actually read this entire blog in one day the minute I gave her the link?


Thanks for reading this. And thank you so much for finding it interesting! :)


So about Law...


I felt like he purposely sat at a place where he was facing me during the first break.


Ray usually sits next to him and I noticed that when he was about to join Law, he gave me a look.


Most probably it's because I was sitting alone as all my other friends had to sit for their Malaysian Studies examination so they skipped the first break to study.


When that break was over and I placed my dishes into the basin, I went to the main stairs and started to go up slowly while reading the Star Wars book.


As I was going up the third flight of stairs, I heard one of my senior's voice from behind so I naturally went to the side to let him pass by but strangely enough, it took him quite some time to pass by.


When he did, he passed by with Law.


I bet I freaking looked like a nerd.


During the second break, June said that he smiled at her at the beginning of the break and I have no idea why.


He sat right in front of me with his back turned at the opposite table but I noticed that he kind of kept on turning his head to the back after turning to face his back once and throughout that time, he was smiling and grinning a lot.


Then, we had to leave early so I felt a bit sad.


I went after June to tell her that Helen and I had to go up first and after I told her, I turned around and I think I saw that Law was looking at me but I can't be too sure.


Now, I'm in a position where I don't know if I should still like him or not or make the first move or not.


Cause the sooner I delay this, the more depressed I'll get, the more crazier I'll become and then I might do something I might regret.


Prediction of the day: The Star - Hope (Orthotopic) You will encounter an ideal candidate and start of a sweet romance. Both of you are dedicated to the relationship. And at the same time, the friendship between you two will transform into the spirit of love.


Apparently, tomorrow will be a good day for me with Virgos (namely Law).


Let's hope it'll end up that way.

The first letter

Dear Law,


I noticed that you didn't go to school today.
Either that or I just couldn't find you.
I somehow think it's the former because I couldn't sense you at school.


So, you must be wondering how I'm holding up with that right?


Bad.


Very bad.


When I realised that I couldn't see you for one day today, I freaked out and I got really sad.


I got so sad I started laughing at everything and just smiled and smiled and smiled even though I felt like I was crumbling up into pieces on the inside.


I wonder if you know how much being able to see you just once a day means to me.


And today, when I realised this, I panicked even more.


Why?


You'll be gone in 18 days cause you wouldn't be obliged to come to school anymore as you'll be on a study break.


This means, I only have 18 days to see you around in school and get the chance to talk to you.


When I typed out that sentence, you really have no idea how much my heart hurt just now from a really huge cramp.
It was as though a giant had taken my heart and compressed it with his gigantic hands.


I'll be very busy this week as well so I won't be able to even see you during the first and second break that much and honestly, those combined 50 minutes of being able to be somewhere near you makes my day.


You know what?


Just seeing you for 10 seconds is already enough to give me the drive to go on and be happy throughout the entire day.


I finally gathered up the courage to smile at you and say "Hey, good morning!" today but when you didn't come, I felt a slight disappointment.


I'm not blaming you for not coming to school today.


For all I know, you're sick or something urgent came up so I have no right to blame you.


In fact, I blame myself the most.


Why do I have to be such a shy person who can't even make a move within 2 months?


I replay all the times I could have talked to you and that just makes me feel even worse.


Why?


Because, today I talked with one of my seniors (i.e. one of your friends/classmate) just fine and it could have been you if only the both of us had worked together side-by-side that day.


But no.


I was too scared to make a move.


Even if you had the slightest interest in me, it'll be gone soon because you will forget me cause I know that I'm easy to forget.


I'm not pretty or smart or remotely unique.


I really don't think that I'm worthy enough to even look at you.


Why did I have to fall for you???


Still, I feel so lucky to have fallen for you and that even the small coincidences and interactions that we had together really really made me happy.


What the hell, it still makes me happy.


When I read your writing, I find them very interesting and at the same time, very cute, cause you are still such a good boy despite all these bad influence surrounding you.


You know, I typed out a SMS for you today cause I just couldn't take it anymore but I couldn't press the send button.
It's still in my drafts.


I hope that... I really hope that you'll like me.


Because, I really really really like you.


A lot.


Beth




And so ends my first letter for Law in this blog.


I'm not going to colour it because that will just take the whole point out from the message.




I asked my predictions just now; "Will he make the first move on me?"


I got: 


Recent past: Knight of Cups - A champion in love. Willing to come to the aid of one's loved ones. A defender of truth. Bravery and courage. Caught up in the fantasies associated with love. Slow and steady course. A youthful man in love. May be in love with idea of love and romance. An emotionally sensitive man in loving relationships. A skillful new lover.


Current Situation: Two of Cups - New meanings in relationships. Contracts in the creative arts. Union of hearts and minds. Possibilities to heal old wounds. New energies surging around you. Time to put creative thoughts into action. Good time for dreams and goals that have been put off to begin. Good time to begin work on new plan. All pieces are in place. First step to new future is at hand.


Future influences: King of Cups - A devoted husband and father. A man fiercely protective of his loved ones. A successful and mature man employed in the creative arts. A new connection is possible. A man capable of giving and receiving love freely without the reservations of youth. Love lessons have been learned, this man is ready for deep commitment. Appreciation for creative pursuits.


I wished that the both of us would get together.


I got: The Sun - Life (Inversus) There is a minor conflict between you and your lover, but later the conflict will be subsides, just like the clouds temporarily cover the sun. So do not say wondering words to each other, because you two are still in love with each other.


That gave me some hope and strength.


Next: Expect to plunge yourself into some new physical and emotional experiences with someone adventurous.


I really hope that I'll get to see him tomorrow.


And when I do, I will smile and greet him.


This has proven very effective cause the last time I did it to a senior, I became quite okay with that senior.


I shall take the first step.


Tomorrow.


Definitely.

"My heart beats faster and faster. Because of you everyday is my happy day." Love Girl - CNBLUE

He accepted it.


He accepted it.


He freaking accepted it.


RAWR RAWR RAWR RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just can't believe it.


I mean, he could be all normal about it but I'm just so freaking ecstatic now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD


I mean, this doesn't mean much but the important thing is that he did not reject it!


Which means, he's okay with me (i.e. he doesn't hate me) which was one of the things I was most worried about and that........ maybe.... just maybe..... I'm that much closer to getting to know him better!!!! XD


Previously, I could only stare at the "Add as Friend" button and my cursor could only hover over it but I'm so glad I took the risk and it paid off!


Of course, I know, this doesn't mean that we'll become close immediately or anything but just this small step towards getting to know him even better makes me happy. :)


Also, he went home roughly around 4.00 pm from school so the first thing he probably did when he got home was to go online and on to Facebook and then he approved! :D


I'm just really happy. I'm really really really happy. :)


Today, I didn't get to see much of him as during the campaign he had to be at a different venue while I was in another place which is good in a way if not, I'd get severely distracted and I wouldn't have been able to finish my duties properly.


He nearly made a girl cry.


But it is kind of his job to bomb people with questions to see if they can handle the pressure.


He really isn't that type of person.


He got some critiques though from one of the lecturers because he emphasized a bit too much on the details in the candidate's proposal (A true Virgo! The book was right).


I saw him only for a bit during the second break but I made sure my back was turned to him otherwise I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on lunch.


I found myself looking around for him a lot throughout those times. =-=;


At the end of school, I didn't really expect him to still be in school but then I saw him in the assembly hall but I did my best to not look at him too much.


I kind of knew something wasn't right but I didn't know what until I logged into Facebook and found out that his car broke down.


This also means that he might not be able to stayback tomorrow so I'm a little crestfallen but not to worry, I still feel very happy. :)


Now all I have to do is wait for an opportunity for the both of us to talk and when that time comes I must not waste it!


And now I have to go sleep cause I keep on falling asleep in class especially during Physics and Biology even though I don't intend to. I must try to not do that anymore!!!!!


Today's Valentine's Day was quite special after all. :)

So just pull the trigger

I don't know if it's cause I'm just too exhausted or I'm tired of waiting for something to happen but I just shot myself in the head.


Because, I just pressed the "add as friend" button on Facebook.


I am really screaming inside right now because somehow, I felt feel kind of stupid for doing that.


I mean, I actually did some prior practice (like adding other seniors) before I added Law but it doesn't feel the same.


I added him cause we've already sent each other a few texts back and forth even though it's only regarding school matters and we do know each other already and we have worked with each other.


So I'll just type down what happened at school today before I go off to sleep.


I was supposed to meet him during the first break but I used up the first half of the break celebrating my friend's birthday after which I texted him and asked him where I could find him.


By the time the bell rang, he didn't reply so I just texted him saying it's okay and I asked if I could pass the papers to him during the second break when we had our Election Board meeting and he said it was okay. He said sorry also cause he had his phone on silent.


I was really tempted to reply him but then I didn't want to look stupid so I just left it like that.


But then, I didn't pass it to him during the meeting because he went out as soon as the meeting finished so I passed it to Angel instead and she was really nice and all. :) Thank goodness.


We had our rehearsal for the campaign tomorrow after school and at first I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't see him but then when I went down, I saw him at the assembly area so I felt slightly happy that I got to see him.


He had to stayback a bit with some friends to talk about the campaign tomorrow.


Throughout that time, I just sat down and tried to finish doing our house's banner which I think I can finish drawing by this Friday, hopefully. :)


I saw him looking in my direction once for quite some time but I will not think too much about it cause it could have been a coincidence.


He went home quite late today and while I was talking with another senior, he had to wait for our conversation to finish cause he was sending the senior back home.


I kind of feel this weird atmosphere between us.


I think it's cause he knows I'm interested in him and he doesn't know what to do.


I feel stupid for adding him.


What if he doesn't accept it????!!! =-=;


I don't want to stress too much over this small thing and I need to concentrate more on my studies and other duties.


Tomorrow's Valentine's Day in case you guys forgot.


I'm truthfully a little excited since this is the first time in 12 years that I've attended a co-ed school and I wonder how it'll be like tomorrow.


I'm quite certain some of my friends will get a couple of confessions cause they're all so pretty and nice. :)


As for me, I'm definitely not going to confess unless something stupid overpowers me and then I'll know I'll regret my future words and actions in the future.


Okay, I've got to go to sleep now.