Little Red Riding Hood

I should've posted this up last night but I was really too tired. I have a lot on my plate these days and I really need to do my best for my studies.

Funny how I can seem to juggle my studies better when I'm having a crush on someone and make time to write in my blog as well.

But anyway, back to the main point.

For some time now, Tia and I have been giving each other dares to do which in truth is something I generally avoid but I wanted to add some spice in my life to be able to differentiate the monotonous days so I decided to just go with the flow.

And so, on Monday, Tia dared me to tell Prince the story of Little Red Riding Hood.

I couldn't sleep well that night knowing that I'd face him the next day, babbling some nonsense which he has most probably heard before and I was nervous as hell because I can't remember the last time I had a normal conversation with him without being awkward.

And I was also afraid that he would reject me again.

The next day arrived and I found myself growing even more anxious by the minute.

Carl tried to talk to me again and I did my best to be normal to him but Tia pointed out to me later on that I always seem so cold and frigid around him and that probably makes him think that I'm playing hard to get which I most certainly am not. Tia pities him and I find myself pitying him as well but I can't help but dislike guys who like me when I don't have any interest in them and when they ignore the signs of disinterest that I'm giving off.

Anyway, again, back to the story.

So it was the end of class and I really found myself dreading to speak with him because, come on, why the hell would anyone just come up to you to tell you the story of Little Red Riding Hood???? It makes no sense at all.

Tia actually dared me to do this first to Carl but I rejected the idea since it would raise his hopes up and that's the last thing I want, especially if it meant that I would be the one to initiate and engage him in a conversation, so she chose Prince which is almost equally terrifying but definitely a better option.

And so I marched up to Prince, prepared for the worse.

Me: Hey Prince, are you busy now?

Prince: Uh, Carl's on the phone now- (Why the heck did he mention Carl??? =-=; I don't want to talk with Carl and it's a good thing that he's on the phone hahahaha)

Me: It's fine, I just need 5, no, 3 minutes of your time.

Prince: Okay...?

Me: Have you heard the story 'Little Red Riding Hood'?

Prince: Yes, I know it.

Me: Okay, can I tell you the story?

Prince: What makes this one different?

Me: Because I'm telling it and you've never heard it from me. (Oh how pretentious of me, I know)

Prince: Okay...

And then I humiliated myself for the next three minutes talking about how Little Red Riding Hood found a map to where her grandma lived and how she had to eat her own grandma's flesh with Tia standing beside me and Prince with his awfully cute face just smiling away looking oh so puzzled. Tia later on told me that Prince kept looking at her with the 'What-the-hell-did-you-do-to-her?' look the whole time while I on the other hand had my eyes shut. I think he knows what's going on since he heard me tell Yu that I asked Tia to walk down the stairs and count to 10 last Friday.

And right when I finished telling the story and I was saying my 'Thank you for listening to me being an idiot' to Prince, Carl came over hurriedly but at that point me and Tia turned around to leave and all I heard him say was "What happened?" Poor guy. I saw Prince smiling as he was talking with Carl as Tia and I packed up and he was probably saying how weird and odd I was for telling him the story of Little Red Riding Hood. I said thanks to Prince again as we left the classroom and that was that.

Honestly, I feel a bit better that I talked to him and that it was nonsense so that in a way it just further shows that I won't pounce on him or anything and that I still want to be friends. Hopefully this will somehow catalyse the repair of our friendship.

And that's it for now. Let's see how things goes tomorrow.

And for Friday as well since another slice of my dignity will be eaten again in front of my course mates oh boy.

An edge

Well I stayed up late last night to read Strobe Edge and I spent 3-4 hours today to finish it but all in all, I'm happy with the ending.

Also, today I talked with Tia about living arrangements with a guy after the engagement and before marrying him and she asked me this question: "Would you be able to refrain yourself from not doing anything if you were to be alone with one of the guys from your computer?"

What she meant by computer is my desktop wallpaper cause I have a lot of pictures of Lee Jong Hyun, Kai, Ray and Joseph Gordon-Levitt that keeps changing on it.

And those two together made me wonder; is it possible to actually find guys who are more for the emotional and spiritual than the physical???

I somehow assume that 80% of guys these days expect sex to happen somewhere somehow during the girlfriend-boyfriend phase and that made me wonder whether or not I'll ever find a guy who also shares the same views as me, a traditional and platonic view.

Yes, I'm really naive, traditional and foolish for thinking like that but I don't want to go against God.

I just think that it isn't worth giving up a precious part of yourself for something that could be temporary.

That's also one of the reasons why I prefer Asian guys over those who aren't and yes, I know that Asian guys have those urges and many have actually acted on those urges already but compared to other guys, the percentage of Asian guys who sleep with their girlfriends is more likely lower as opposed to other guys.

I'm not saying that it's true, I could be wrong, but from what I can see, Asian people tend to be a bit more traditional so if something like that should happen, the guy will definitely take responsibility. In most cases that is. Not all Asian guys are chaste.

I probably have the impossible dream, I know, but I'd like to think that I'll be able to reach it and make it a reality one day.

Dear God, I am praying for a guy like that to appear who will like me and who I can like back.

Oh my high school way of thinking, when will you ever mature?

Deriving from the past

At certain moments today, I felt like I fell a bit for Prince. I guess when you're in the middle of trying to let your feelings fade away it really doesn't help if you can visibly see that person at least a couple of times a week.

Maybe it's influence from this manga I've just started reading called Strobe Edge by Sakisaka Io, a mangaka which I admire because her stories are not your typical ones.

Anyway, that manga sounds almost like my story whereby the heroine fell for a guy who's already going out with someone and that one of her classmates like her. Of course there're the differentiating elements like the sister of the classmate that likes her is actually going out with the guy she likes but that's a different story. I haven't finished reading it though although it is a completed series. Reading the manga also made me realise that I tend to fall for kind guys, like Prince. XD

But back to today. We didn't make eye-contact or anything at all but we sat relatively near each other today, almost side by side but he sat a desk behind me and an aisle separated us. We got pretty close at some points like when we were taking back our test papers but all he did was approach me quite timidly to look at my paper before going away. I need to do something to lighten the atmosphere.

Tia almost dared me to rap in front of him. XD I think I would have done it but at the moment that she dared me to I wasn't quite prepared. Ah well.

Prince and I have almost similar minds, really.

For instance if he was in my place, taking back his papers and looking through them with some friends, I would timidly approach him as well.

Also, and this was totally unexpected, we both said the same thing at the same time when the professor asked the class a question.

Well, he didn't really ask a question, he just said "So we can have smaller amplitudes and more subdivisions within this interval so the amount of subdivisions that is possible in this interval is...?"

And then Prince and I said "Infinite." XD

It was about integrals if you were wondering hahahaha. I wonder if he noticed that but I guess he wouldn't.

I do hope that he at least finds me interesting enough to become his friend.

Maybe that's possible. He could've overheard me rapping 'Love the Way You Lie' to Tia and some of my other friends. XD

And that's all for today. :)

Her face

I finally saw Prince's girlfriend's face.

I mean, I kind of knew who she was all along because there were signs here and there but to actually have it confirmed by pictures through Facebook stings a bit.

She's Italian, a brunette, pretty and has a cool aura around her. Maybe it's the triple piercings and stuff, I don't know.

People commented on her new profile picture, congratulating Prince for getting her.

And all throughout that time I really felt like something sharp pierced through me and I was stunned for several moments.

He came in class today but only for the afternoon lecture and I didn't talk with him or make any eye contact with him for that matter. The piercing feeling got a bit better throughout the day and I'm thankful for that.

Those 'what ifs' still remain but they're starting to fade now and even though it seems bleak and hopeless now, I've just got to keep telling myself that there is a guy out there that I'm much better with.

I did try to find Prince's flaws and to make them turn me off from him but it isn't working quite yet.

I still hope to become his friend though.

Shinogu

Right now, I don't know why, but there's a sickening grip on my heart as though it's about to be wrenched out from my body.

Maybe it's because of the weird mood I am in today. Or because I read a lot of romance mangas recently. Or a combination of both those things.

I haven't felt that odd feeling in a long time and it makes me wonder, who am I falling for this time?

Like every girl, I have a picture of an ideal guy inside my head and for some reason I call him Shinogu.

And today, I feel like talking about Shinogu.

From the name alone, it's obvious to see that he's Japanese even though I actually prefer Korean guys over Japanese ones. Strictly speaking, I've never actually had crushes on any Japanese celebrity, serious ones I mean.

How does he look like?

He has dark brown hair to the point that it looks as though it were black but you can definitely see the brown hues in the sunlight. It's long but short enough to be able to be kept neat and he has a fringe that partly conceals dark brown eyes that carry a constant gentle and kind albeit a little sad gaze about them and when something happy surprises him, he'll blush and his eyes will light up. He has a really soft smile and when he grins, his eyes turn a shade brighter.

He's tall but not bulky with muscles and he likes to wear baggy hoodies with baggy jeans but he keeps himself clean even though he doesn't like to dress up. And he doesn't have piercings so if anyone were to look at him, the impression you'd get is an innocent boy who somehow catches your attention.

His character is more or less the same.

Shinogu is extremely passionate in pursuing his dream and he always does his best in everything that he does. He's quite skillful in things that he loves to do but he's very humble about it. Somehow, he carries a quiet confidence about him which makes people silent whenever he speaks out which he rarely does. He's a good listener and cares a lot about his family and friends. He also really loves nature and loves trying out new things although he's afraid to sometimes. He also loves to think and talks about life and philosophy.

Naturally I left out the bad aspects but I have a feeling that he's the type that is a bit hard to talk to and who can't really express his feelings. He's probably the type to easily get jealous and to have sudden mood swings but I can't be too sure about that.

And just because I imagine him being a Japanese, it kind of makes me want to go to Japan and since Politecnico has some student exchange programmes that'll send you to Japan, I'm making that my current goal to strive for because I intend to go there in my third year.

But things could change along the way, who knows??

Wariness

I really do believe that Prince knows that I liked him. Still not sure if the word 'like' is a past-tense for me but it seems safer to go with it although at some points today I felt like I was falling for him again. Not just today though, for the previous days as well but nevertheless, I won't do anything irrational.

Why do I believe in that fact?

Today in class, he sat behind me instead of in the middle as usual because some other people were occupying his usual spot where he sits with one of my guy friends (again we have the same circles but we can never seem to make our own :|).

When the morning lecture ended, I turned around in my seat to try and locate Tia because I needed to talk with her about our project and when I did, Prince turned to look at me but I didn't want to make eye-contact with him so when I found Tia, I got out from my seat and went to her place which was the row immediately behind Prince's.

Then I began talking with her about the project in a normal tone and every now and then, it seemed as though he was listening in to the conversation and he even turned a bit I think.

Also at the end of the day, I said bye to Yu and he turned to look for a bit but since I don't usually say 'bye' to him or to my other guy friend, I didn't bother to.

In a way, I guess you can say that I'm avoiding him though I don't really know why. There're a couple of good reasons in my head but somehow they don't seem to fit into the way I'd like to express the reason for this constant evasion.

Most probably because he treated me a bit harshly (oh how dramatic) or I'm just too lazy to try to build a friendship but regardless of all of that, I somehow know he's wary of me.

I also talked a bit with the Australian guy and I really thought that I'd get attracted to him or something since he's a pretty boy (which is somehow almost always the kind of guy that I'd go for) but I didn't get any of those nerve-wrecking feelings.

Which in fact manifested in small quantities today when I thought about Prince.

But anyway, I wonder when will be the next time that I'll get these feelings again. Life seems too still without them.

Hanging

It's already bad enough that I have to give up on Prince because he has a girlfriend.

I really don't need him to make it worse for me, even though it's highly unintentional.

There I was with Tia, about to go to our project's site to do another thorough survey, when Carl and Prince suddenly appeared in front of us.

Naturally I felt a bit happy that Prince was there but Carl kind of spoilt it in a way.

Carl kept talking to me and by habit I gave eye contact and I just talked with him normally, if not almost without a care.

I'm glad that Prince said a few more words than usual and he spoke a bit more louder. It seems as though we could become friends with Carl being our only link sadly.

And then while Carl was still talking, Prince said that he needed to go away to do something and almost immediately Carl got up and followed him. And up until then, I thought that they were just being friendly and I thought that Carl already gave up on me.

Oh gosh why. Why why why why why???

Why can't it happen that the guy I like actually likes me and not some other kid that I have no interest in at all?????

They didn't even bother to talk to Tia which is quite rude but it shows that they actually wanted to approach me, even if it was for the wrong reasons.

Never mind. I'll just wait for someone that I find interesting to me to come along.