I haven't posted in here for ages and that's mainly because I started losing interest in relationships awhile back.
It started out with me just wanting to not think too much about getting into one and then in the end, I just feel like it is so much of a bother and too much effort.
Plus, I've seen my siblings change, either for the good or for the worse and I kind of dread to think that I might end up going in the wrong direction.
I mean, it kind of is happening now; not like I'm dating anyone or anything.
I started becoming friends with a Korean girl through deviantArt and over time, we grew to become very close until it got to a point where I wondered whether I liked her more than just a friend but after some thought and inspection, I've decided that I don't have that kind of feeling for her.
Yet, I find myself getting jealous when other people get all pally with her.
And I find it sad that I get upset when she comments on other people's things when she hasn't replied to my message from three days ago.
She has some eye problems now and I understand that she wants to rest them but if that is so, why won't she talk with me?
I seriously sound like some crazy girlfriend now ahahahahaha.
I find myself missing her messages and checking my page and her page for any updates or notifications.
We already swore to each other that we'd be best friends forever so I'm doing my best to have faith in this friendship but I'm so scared of being replaced.
I'm not even that good as an artist and she is way above me.
It really makes me wonder why she decided to be friends with me.
And all those other people who are pally with her are really amazing artists.
I bet she wonders why she got stuck with me.
My confidence in my own self is very low at this moment.
I never expected to invest this much emotion into this friendship.
Initially, I really tried to hold back because I have trust issues but she instead was so giving and kind to me that in the end, my wall broke down and I started to reach out again to her.
Now I just feel pathetic, waiting for her messages.
On my side, I will continue to fight for this friendship but if she ever just wants to let me go, it's her right and I won't stop her.
I'll get depressed for a few days but I'm sure I'll get over it.
So yes, I shouldn't even consider getting a boyfriend because the kind of emotions running through me right now is so bitter that I really can't stand them.
And thank goodness they haven't really affected much of me just yet.
But I feel like if I go through another day without any message from her, I'll really get down.
I still don't think this is a crush, at least I hope so.
