Saturday, October 26, 2013

Can anyone be more perfect?

I just watched Happy Camp, a show that airs in China, that had invited EXO to be on the show and throughout the whole time I couldn't help but notice just how unique Lay is.

I really don't know why but he carries such a pure and passionate aura around him and despite the fact that he is

Okay let me just list down a couple of reasons why I think he's so amazing.

One, when the host asked 'Who think's they're the main dancer?' he didn't even step out despite the fact that he is the main dancer for EXO-M.

And then in another segment when the host asked 'Who thinks they're the least (Edit: most, I meant most!) popular among girls?' he practically rushed to the last place but when other people wanted to take that place, he just gave it up to them and found somewhere else to sit.

So basically I noticed that he is extremely modest... But I really find that an amazing and rare quality to find in a guy. Most of the guys that I know to date are really full of themselves.

Not to mention, the way that he moves and holds himself and look out for others is just... Indescribable.

Seriously, I feel so happy when I just think of him, as though his pheromones reached me and yet I'm not even within the range of 100 km from him. Does that make sense?

Seeing him not only brightens my day but it also cheers me on to become a better person.

Right.

I will finish my work up after this and then I will practice writing some Chinese characters.

He really makes my day. :)

I just wish I could see more of him without being a sasaeng.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Even if he doesn't know

Even though he doesn't know that he's causing a really huge positive effect in me, I hope that at the very least he knows that he really does wonders for some of his fans.

Because of him I'm thinking and being more healthy and because of him assignments and tasks don't seem to bother me too much.

Thank you so much. I will work harder. :)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Forever Train - Story II

You inhale and open your eyes.

The first thing you notice is the empty seat across you; the sunlight and shadows playing a game amongst themselves in a rapid tempo. Taking a look outside, you see foliage of various green shades and just beyond that you can make out hills and meadows.

Laughter fills the air and you can hear people chattering away. Of course, there’s someone crying, although why you had to reason it with an ‘of course’ leaves you wondering why. Regardless of the situation you are in and how you surprisingly feel like you have been sitting there forever, you have no clue how you got there.

As you sit pondering there, your hands neatly folded on your lap and your eyes entertained by the passing view, you notice a figure moving towards you and you look up.

It’s a boy with headphones in his ears wearing a black cap and a grey hoodie. He pauses for a while in the aisle, right next to the empty seat across you, and you find yourself hoping he will sit down. After all, all the other seats in this carriage are occupied but he moves on and disappears into the next car. Funny how the seating arrangements are two seats facing each other and not the usual four.

It strikes you as odd; you’ve never been on a train like this, but you didn’t have much time to think over this as a pretty boy with a fair complexion approaches you.

Again you find yourself hoping he will sit down since you’re starting to feel a little bit out of place, being the only soloist in the carriage, but he passes by again.

A third guy enters the carriage and starts looking around.

You sit straighter and realise your hair is a mess so you straighten it up a bit and pat your skirt neatly. As he walks down the aisle, you make eye contact with him and both of you exchange smiles.

“Hello.” You say.
“Hi.” He responds.

Before you can get another word out though, his attention is brought elsewhere and he spies an empty chair in the corner. He leaves without a word and you feel sad. It could have been him.

You turn your attention back to the passing scenery. No more hoping for someone to take the seat.

Other guys pass by in the corridor and some even pause near you but they don’t look like good company with that bottle of beer in his hand or that noisy looking toy in his pocket. Not once did you look up when they stopped until they finally leave but you just give them a quick glance before looking back at the scenery.

I have had enough for today.

You close your eyes as you feel the warmth of the sunshine bathing you in a sleepy stupor.

“Excuse me.”

Your eyes fly open and it takes a moment for you to register what is happening. The bright yellow light now pale yellow with, if you were seeing things right, flecks of gold and orange. A mysterious light indeed. Next to the empty seat across from you stands a guy in a grey jacket.

“Is this seat taken?”

You shake your head and smile at him, hoping it’d put him at ease and that he will occupy the seat. He returns the smile and placing his bag in the overhead compartment, he takes the seat across from you.

Both of you make eye contact and exchange smiles again before you both look out of the window.

You didn't get a clear look at his face but you remember that he has dark brown eyes and a dimple on his right cheek. Glancing from the corner of your eyes, you see that he has dark brown hair as well. In his hand he holds a book.

Looking down into your own hands, you realise you’re holding a book as well. Why didn’t I notice this before? Looking back up, you see that he is completely absorbed in nature’s beauty. You settle back in your chair and look outside again.

“Where are you going to?” Did he just ask you a question?
“Sorry, are you talking to me?”
“Well, you’re the only one here aren’t you?”

Until then, you didn’t realise that the entire carriage was empty except for the small compartment that both of you occupied. Somehow, that makes you feel happy. But then you also realise that that wasn’t the only thing that you didn’t notice.

“I don’t know actually.” He turns to look at you, his eyes wide in surprise.
“You don’t have a destination?”
“I have a ticket. That much I know, but I never checked it again after I got on here.”
“Guess you just know when you have to get off, huh?” He smiles at me and leans back in his seat. “Same here.”

He has big eyes and a straight nose. His lips look really full and he scratches his head when he forgets what he’s about to say. You like the flow of the conversation and in the mysterious golden light, he looks like a god. This stranger makes you feel comfortable.

At every moment you find yourself trying to sit straighter and you play with your hair constantly as words are exchanged. He mirrors your movements, straightening his jacket and fiddling with his hair.

“Hungry?” You ask and take out a wicker basket from under your seat, surprised you knew that it was there. He nods his head, never taking his eyes from the basket which produced a variety of sandwiches and a thermos filled with sweet tea. There is a slice of cake as well which the both of you polished off as soon as the sandwiches disappeared.

“Thank you,” he says with a childish grin. You can’t help but smile back. “You’re welcome.”

Silence fills up the space between both of you again as nightfall approaches and you find yourself getting sleepy and your head keeps bobbing up and down.

“Can I read what’s in your book?” His question catches you off-guard and you find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat despite not knowing the contents of the book exactly. You hesitate and look at him.

“Only if I can read yours.”

Striking a deal, an exchange of books took place and for the next hour or so, both of you poured your souls into reading the book in your hands.

“I’m sorry.” You look at him with tears in your eyes. He gives you a tired smile and places your book in his backpack. It doesn’t bother you that he just took it without asking you. You did the same anyway, keeping it in your backpack. “I’m sorry too.”

As the train pulls into a station both of you get out of the carriage and walk out of the building towards a quiet town.

In the shadows of the trees, walking down a familiar looking path, both of you continue to stride easily, side-by-side.

It appears you have arrived at a sea.

Both of you sit down on the sand and watch the white moonlit waves rolling, the wind making a mess of your hair, your hands entwined and your head on his shoulder. Silence again.

“I love you.”

He shifts slightly and you feel his fingers on your face, gently turning it so that your eyes meet again and as he lowers his lips to yours, you hear the words you know you have been searching for.


“I love you too.”

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Maybe

I know this is some stupidly over-sized crush but I'm really falling for Lay now and it's partly due to my own imagination; thinking that he is what I think he is.

It's really bad. I'm at the point where I'm unable to do anything but think of him.

Hopefully it'll go away soon. This feeling that is.

I want to play the guitar so badly. I think it'd help me to forget a bit about him.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Do unicorns exist?

I really believe that SME is extremely good at giving their idols very good images. Ordinary fans and new fans will be immediately enchanted by the good boys and good girls who are extremely gorgeous and talented. Sasaeng fans know better on the other hand.

I read up some more facts about EXO now and although most of the facts all show them in a good light, I know that there's no way that they can be that perfect.

But I have no idea why I keep on seeing Lay in a good light.

I tried to look for bad stuff about him in vain and overall he really does sound like a perfect guy.

Is it because he's Catholic?

That's another rumour that has yet to be confirmed but so far, that's what everyone says.

But if he is so good and mature and kind... I don't know. It makes me think that he's really really really like a unicorn, an example of a very rare guy.

I don't know why but I kind of give up on the idea of ever dating, not like I want to.

Because seriously, despite my good personality, skills and above average looks, what guy would date me if they knew that I completely refuse the idea of sex before marriage?

Call it general stereotyping, but isn't it true that most guys are in relationships because they want to have sex?

Well, in general, Western guys are more open about it than Asian guys but I don't know. I still think Asian guys are more conservative and are against the sex before marriage thing.

Maybe that's why I'm only attracted to Asian guys. Because of the conservative thing.

Lately whenever I pass by people while walking, the thought that they've all already, probably, have slept with someone if they're already above the age of 13 pops into my head.

It gets even worse when I see guys because all that I ever think is that they just can't wait to get inside someone's pants, regardless of gender according to their own preference.

It's a really bad and judgemental thought but I can't help but think that way. It's really hard to force yourself to think in a nicer manner once you've got that thought running in your head.

And so, only for the moment hopefully, I am completely turned off at the idea of getting a boyfriend, much less if some guy likes me.

I'm currently content with just thinking that Lay is a perfect guy and that I'm in an imaginary relationship with him.

Maybe that's why I'm attracted to guys who look like girls and have such an innocent and awkward image. It's because I think that their sexual drive is lower, not like that's for sure or anything.

Assumptions, assumptions.

I will turn 20 in less than three months and I can then officially say that I have never had a relationship while I was in my teens, which is what most of my friends had already.

Yes, I feel sad at that thought because I can't ever do any of those things that I read in mangas or watch in animes or movies or dramas but I feel a bit happy knowing that I didn't have to suffer intense heartbreaks and stuff.

But I really do feel sad that I never went out on a date during my teens.

No scenes of me shyly holding a guy's hand, or a first kiss, or excitedly texting someone, or calling each other till late at night. When will I ever get to do any of those things?

Is it too much to ask for a guy who's conservative, who I find attractive (physically, personally etc.) and will actually like me?

I'm pretty pathetic aren't I?

All my siblings, older and younger than me, has been in or is still in a relationship and yeah, I do feel left out.

But I don't want a boyfriend in order to fit in, please don't think like that.

.............................

I'm really going to live through life alone aren't I? I really hope not.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

A wave

Don't be sad that it has past.

Be happy that it actually happened.

But human nature causes us to want even more and now I'm sorry that I wasn't a more avid fan.

I pray that I will get another chance in the future.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

People I didn't want to meet

Lo and behold, I got the same design studio as Carl and Prince.

I came into class a bit late and I almost sat next to them but luckily I spotted them early and decided to change my seat to go to the other side.

They did notice me though, especially since my hair was previously super long and now it's super short, and Carl kept passing by me and coming near me. I think he wanted to talk to me but I was talking with other people and I really didn't want to talk with him so we never did.

On the other hand, I kept feeling like Prince was looking at me and at one point when the professor said something both of us turned to look at each other.

I really do think that we have the same brainwave length but I don't feel attracted to him anymore.

In fact, if I see anyone that resembles him even from the back, I feel fear shooting through my veins and I don't know why.

Yesterday I hung out with some of my friends and we somehow got around to the topic of whether we liked anyone in our course or not and I just said his name and one of the girls said that it's good that I moved on from him because he's the type who isn't looking for something serious.

And surprisingly she said that I was way better than him and that I should deserve someone better.

Any how I don't want to fall for anyone at the moment, only YiXing. It'll help me concentrate better.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

XOXO for 张艺兴

How to tell whether or not I like someone?

I will definitely draw them. I will most certainly definitely draw them.

Whether it be in manga form or a sketch, I will draw them.

So what can I do when I really like someone who is far away from me?

Well if you haven't been paying attention, the answer is that I will draw them.

So before I post my drawing up, let me just say my birthday speech to him.

I know you have probably forgotten me although we made eye contact a couple of times during the concert especially since I was your only fan that was right in front of you at that time but I truly hope I somehow stayed somewhere in your thoughts.

Just by looking at the way you hold yourself, whether you're dancing or just even standing, I feel much better and calmer and more ready to tackle any challenge I have head on. You had it, maybe still have it, harder than me and that alone inspires me to work harder.

I hope that you have truly found what you really are looking for and that you are happy.

And I pray that you have enough of everything; tears, laughter, pain, rest etc. that you will continue to live a blessed life and that you will never change yourself because you are really one of a kind and I always wish that I could've been someone that was close to you before you were even a celebrity. I am most certainly not attracted to your celebrity fame.

I am attracted to you.

One day, I will meet you and I will then tell you how much you have changed me; for the better. Thank you for everything. 

Happy birthday 张艺兴. :) <3

With love, from the girl who fell for you at first sight.