Recovery

I finally thought I was over with the whole depression thing but it's still here and it hurts more than ever.


I think all of this actually started the minute I knew that Law found someone attractive among the year one Election Board committee.


Now, I wish I had just said his name out loud during the Truth and Dare game.


Anyway, during the first break today, I had to go to the cafeteria alone as June had a club meeting to attend to so I sat down in a table that was not in my usual area so that I could do my Chemistry homework in peace.


I saw that Law passed by (well, it wasn't really that nearby) but I immediately went back to my work.


Then, when I looked up to see where he was sitting, I saw that he was sitting with some friends of his that I never saw before.


And that was when one of them (the one sitting right next to him) turned around and looked in my direction.


At first I thought that he was looking at someone else behind me so after I looked at him, I went back to my work but he continued to look at me.


When he finally stopped looking, I turned around to look behind me but there was hardly anyone there that I thought he might have been looking at.


And then I further confirmed the fact that he was looking at me cause he did it again for a second time and I thought that he was looking at the people in front of me but then when that group left, he continued to look at me.


Throughout that time, Law was smiling and talking a lot with him but that guy's face was really scary.


I would normally feel happy cause I would have interpreted that situation as Law telling him something good about me but somehow I just felt like I was the joke of the whole situation.


Also, I volunteered to work in the lecture hall where the seniors would be for family hour but half the time, Law wasn't even there cause he had to go out the minute he came in to receive certificates for being in the Election Board.


There were moments when I felt like he was looking for someone in the crowd as I watched him though the projector that was connected to a camera in the other hall but I just shrugged those feelings off.


He did something really cute in front of the camera.


He came up real close and gave a huge smile and pointed upwards though I don't know why.


I laughed out loud.




Reading back all my previous posts, I realise that I've come a long way since I first started liking him.


I had hoped that he'd remember my name.


He did.


I had hoped that I'd get to add him on Facebook.


I did.


I had hoped that we'd get to talk with each other.


We did. Even if it was for a moment only.




And from another perspective, I don't think his friends hate me.




The only way I can cheer myself up now is by assuring myself that things can only improve just like it did from January until now.


I felt really sad today and I think I almost cried while I was walking around in the mall but thankfully I didn't.


Going to bath and then sleep early and then wake up early to exercise and study.


CNBLUE's "Still In Love" perfectly describes the way that I'm feeling now. You should listen to it and the other songs in their EAR FUN album.


EDIT


I posted up a very crappy status just now and now when I went to check my love prediction, I got this.


The need to be open about what's happening has caught the attention of your admirer so you can expect a positive reaction from him from now on.


I get new predictions every time.


Let's just see if this comes true or not.

Time Crisis

I was really depressed for the past two days and I think it's probably because I was hoping too much for something to happen after I stuck the post-it on.


So I went to the mall today by myself to get some thinking time.


I went to study at a cafe first where I saw some guys that I know but I didn't want to really saunter over and say "Hi!" cause I was planning to study there and it'd be super awkward with them being there and all.


One of them came over to say "Hi" though and that was really nice of him.


After that, I went to the arcade and played Time Crisis III and I must say that I'm quite good at it. Then, I played DDR as well as the huge tap tap machine.


He was really on my mind the whole time.


Do you know CNBLUE's "Don't Say Goodbye"?


It's a song about a guy who's asking his girlfriend who's already in the process of leaving him to just stay with him. He knows he should forget about her and that he could actually forget her if he tried but he doesn't want to.


I guess that's how I'm feeling now.


I want to forget him but I just can't cause somehow I just feel like we will end up together.


That's what my intuition's telling me.


My love prediction: You're falling in love with a person - this week will bring you some special moments.


I wonder if I'm really falling in love cause, you know, love is a very strong word.


I tried to test myself just now to see if I still like him or not by reading the messages that he sent me and somehow, I caught myself smiling and I found out that I also dread the thought of even deleting one of his messages.


I still like him.


I will do my best to not expect too much and to be a much happier person tomorrow. :)

It hurts

Because I can't say what I really want to say to him.


I couldn't even write down what I really wanted to say to him in the post-it.


What I wanted to write is that I'd really love to be by his side, helping him with his studies while getting to know him better.


I wanted to reassure him with SMS-es and phone calls.


But I'm just too shy and cowardly to do any of those.


I saw Ray looking at me during the first break when I was scanning the crowd to look for Law but I pretended to not notice.


During the second break, I was sitting alone waiting for my friends and waiting for Law to show up with his friends (cause I really wondered how how his reaction would be to my post-it) when I suddenly heard his voice to my left in the table directly next to mine but I didn't dare to look there.


When I finally did, I didn't see him so I thought that I was going crazy.


But, the next time I glanced, I saw that he was indeed sitting there.


I passed him by a few times to deposit my plate into the provided plate basin as well to buy ice creams with June.


I felt a bit awkward but I just kept quiet.


When they all stood up to leave, I noticed that he hung back quite a bit and kept on looking in my direction, I think, while he waited for his friends to buy ice creams.


I felt like he wanted to talk to me.


But I had no idea how to react.


And once again, I only saw his back as we walked back up the stairs.


I only have two more days.


And I'm going crazy.


I really want to do something on impulse but I'm such a freaking coward.


I feel really sad today.


Going to sleep now.


I can't believe that I really like him so much.


I just wish that I could talk with him.


Oh yeah, my love prediction for today.


The flame has been lit - note the interest in your admirer when he's near.


If only that were real.


I just want to know who he thinks is the most attractive female Year One in the Election Board.


And I also want to know what he thinks of me.


I want to know if he likes me.

This is a risk

Well, today was a very gossip filled day.


During lectures, I always sit next to June and another friend, Allie, and today, Allie told me a whole lot of gossip.


She said that she used to like a guy but then she lost interest in him but before that interest disappeared, a lot of people questioned her whether or not she liked him, including one of that guy's guy friend.


It's probably cause I was completely fixated on Law but I was completely oblivious to the fact that she liked this guy.


And I sit right next to her for heaven's sake!


I kind of knew she liked someone but I never figured out who.


But the main point here is that if her crush for the guy was so not obvious and people found out by themselves, what about my feelings for Law?


I didn't realise it but when Jean pointed it out to me during first break, I finally realised that Law must already know that I like him cause I am so obvious and rumours do get around very fast in school.


But still, he doesn't seem to mind it.


And I kind of think that he's interested... In me.


I was talking to Jean, Elva and Sasha about this topic (Law was sitting in front of me at 11 o'clock) and I couldn't help it. I started going crazy.


I always get crazy when I'm in front of him and when I get super nervous.


So I decided to go back up before he did (but he left before me anyway) but I had to see Angel to collect money for the party.


I thought that he'd be long gone by then so that I wouldn't bump into him.


But then, I saw him standing at the main stairs, looking at a bulletin board that was posted up so that anyone can write "Good Luck!" to our seniors and friends who'll be leaving this year.


He got only one post-it so far.


I passed by him with my head down and with hurried steps.


During the second break, I got held up in class a bit and I got really crazy then cause I really wanted to see him and not waste anymore time so by the time I came down, I was slightly disoriented.


I saw that Law was sitting at the table which was in front of the table I sat in during the first break so I picked a table that was a table away to his left before I went to find Helen, June and Elva.


The four of us just chatted and talked about random stuff and one by one, people left the cafeteria but he was still hanging around there.


I wonder if it's just in his nature to just stay back in the cafeteria so late or if there's some other reason.


He got up to leave before we did though cause we were busy laughing over food and how we trooped off to the counter to find it and buy it.


Then, Helen told me the Chuck Norris joke.

Helen: Beth! Listen to this Chuck Norris joke! It's so disgusting! (She was Twiting)

Me: Okay, what is it?

Helen: When Chuck Norris died, his sperm was preserved and made into a liquid now known as Red Bull.

Me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

And at that exact same moment that I said "EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!", Law passed by me and turned to look at me and I could've given him a reaction or something (cause he looked so shock) but I pretended to be so absorbed into Helen's joke.

Stupid fool.

Why am I like that?!

I had to go to his lecture hall again to collect money (and I must do that again tomorrow) and he was busy talking to his friends so I didn't even bother to do anything to try to get his attention.

A senior caught a glimpse of my white book filled with post-its about Law but then I grabbed them away from him.

Earlier on, I also asked Blair if she saw any folded up paper and she said no. Where are they???!!

A lot of people saw my white book already. =-=;

But I am done and am tired of waiting.

If he's not going to do anything, then I will.

I'm going to write him a post-it and stick it onto the bulletin before he comes to school tomorrow cause there' a bigger probability that he'll check it tomorrow instead of Friday (which was the day that I initially planned to do it).

Better sooner then later right? Cause I might regret not doing it at all.

And besides, I got a good prediction for that.

Apparently if I write him a post-it, he'll give a good reaction to it, according to my prediction.

Ten of Cups - Fulfillment. Satisfaction. Completion of a happy cycle and a good ending. Deep connection with family, friends and community. Celebration that goal has been reached. Enjoy this moment for you have worked hard for it. Get-togethers and parties. Let go of your burdens and the time to carry them is finished. You have found the love you have searched for. Retirement.

Okay, now I'm going to write it and hopefully, something good will happen.

:)

PS. Really loving CNBLUE's EAR FUN album. All the songs are really awesome! I especially like Dream Boy the most somehow. :)

To be a fool or to be a brave fool?

Guess what happened today?


Over the past few weeks, I always wrote letters to Law although I never intend to give them to him. Instead, I keep them in my white book that's decorated with post-its about Law and all of those usual girly crap.


I always write to him on Mondays cause somehow I get very upset and sad on Mondays.


But, that's not the main event of today.


As usual, after school, I sat down at a table in the assembly hall and began to write a letter to Law and just before I finished, I thought, "Hey, why don't I read back all my previous letters that I wrote to him?" So, I began flipping through the pages of my book.


And that's when I found them missing.


Both of them.


The only ones I wrote.


And one of them even had his and my initial for our first name.


That's not even the worse part.


As I had to go around collecting the money for the Election Board party last Saturday, I had to cart that white book around with me.


Never mind. I won't jump to that part yet.


I'll just start by telling all the normal things I usually say first.


I didn't attend English class cause by the time I reached school from the supposed "interview", I was late for class and I wanted to finish up the checking list for the Election Board party.


Anyway, during the first break as I was sitting down, June asked if I could see Law anywhere and I said no so she called him lazy. 


TT^TT


But then he showed up soon after she made that comment so she said he's a good boy.


:)


June said that she was looking at him the whole time he walked towards the food stalls and she saw him looking at me before he looked at her and then he turned away and looked in front.


Then, after break, I had to build up my guts to go to the year two's lecture hall to collect the money from my seniors and he was there also.


Thank goodness I didn't have to scream to get anyone's attention cause the minute I stepped in, some of them were already coming up to me to pay.


When I looked up from calculating the money, I saw that Law was already making his way towards me.

Law: Shit! I don't have enough money I think!

Senior 1: Why?

Law: I think it's cause I spent the money on chicken rice.

XD

He's so cute!

Except that he cursed but at least he didn't say "F".

Then, he handed me the money and he was about to walk away when I called him back.

Me: Law! Wait! I need your signature!

Law: My what? Signature? Where?

Me: Here. You can use my pen.

And then he signed it and went back to his seat.

But I noticed that when I was looking up and looking into the crowd to look for more seniors, he was definitely looking at me and it wasn't even for a short time only.

I mean, if you just happened to look at someone, you'd look away after like 2 seconds right?

He definitely looked at me for more than 5 seconds.

I went out after that.

2 hours later, I discovered that my letters to him were missing.

Now, where could it have went to???

Of course.

One of the possible places must be the lecture hall cause I brought the white book in there!

Initially, I felt really panicked but now, I feel like "Whatever happens, happens" and I'm not going to be some cowardly fool.

I might as well be a brave fool.

So go ahead humans, laugh at me.

It's a free country and I can like who ever I want to.

Oh, and this is my prediction for today.

A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection.

As well as this but this one's for tomorrow.

Having the Moon in your work sector is always an advantage, ensuring that you have your finger on the pulse and your ear to the ground. But as this is the Moon's last visit to your work sector before Venus returns in just 7 days time and before some important new doors start to open, it's even more important that you pay attention and that you listen to your gut, your hunches and your instincts.

So here I am. Trusting that whatever I did was right.

Going to watch The Legend of Korra after this cause one of my high school friend gave me the link and in a way, it shows that I have things in common with Law cause he watches this as well.

Not like he'll ever stalk me though to know that I'll be watching it.

I'm also jealous of some of my peers cause they got to write messages to our graduating seniors on a public bulletin board and Law got a message from someone as well. 

Something about being in the same abacus class or something.

Never mind, going to watch it now and I must study a bit before going to sleep.

Justify

As I was walking home today, I made myself use that time to think and analyse what truly happened yesterday.


Somehow, there was one particular sentence that kept on playing in my head throughout that entire time. It was the part where all my seniors kept on asking me to just spit out the truth about who I like.


While I was still having an internal quarrel with myself as to whether or not I should just spit out Law's name, Ray suddenly spoke up.


"Just say his name. A lot of people in school has the same name."


At first, I didn't give much thought to his words but they somehow managed to resurface just now.


So...


What does he mean by those words?????


If I were to really analyse the way he used his words, it's mean he knows that I like Law.




I. Am. Feeling. Kind of. Nervous.






Does this mean that Law knows as well????????????


Ray was kind of expecting me to answer somehow. I just felt it.


Okay, I'm going to study maths now and I don't want to think about this too much.

Actually, I have no idea what to do

Today was the Election Board party and it was a bit stressful but it was a success. :)


All the seniors said they had fun so I feel super relieved to know that.


Now I have to spend my whole day tomorrow with work.


I need to type reports, make a budget and study for my maths test on Monday.


I will do them all so I will sleep soon to get enough rest.




So... You must be wondering... 


Did anything happen between me and Law?




In a way... yes.


But you can say that it wasn't really anything either.




Let me just tell the small events that happened.




When he arrived, I saw that he looked at me but then I made myself busy so that I would be able to resist the urge to stare at him the whole time.


We sat far away from each other the whole time and we were in close proximity only a couple of times.


The year ones and year twos weren't mixing so I decided to make everyone play games.


While I was speaking, he was looking at me and smiling and I wanted to look at him so badly all the time but I only did a few times.


Correction, he was grinning.


He always grins whenever I talk.


Like the time when I had to make a speech in front of the Public Speaking Club to get them to make me their secretary.


And then we played a game that required us to play rock-paper-scissors with everyone. Everyone will get 5 stickers initially. People will then go around playing and the winner would get a sticker from the loser. The one with the most stickers will win.


And so that's what I did.


I was really scared to approach him.


Like super nervous.


But, somehow, we found each other.


I didn't see him coming from the front so by the time I raised my hands, I realised that I was about to play with him.


Neither of us said a word but when he won, he grinned and then I gave him a sticker saying "Here!" in a kind of angry but playful tone before I moved on.


I actually touched him.


Okay now it's truly sinking in.


I touched his left arm when I stuck the sticker on him.


Anyway, I actually pronounced him as the winner of the game and I said his name out loud but turns out, another person had more stickers so the other person won.


Moving on...


During the second game, I had to pass out balloons out to everyone and that helped me to erase some of my fears a bit so I felt a bit more confident in talking with my seniors.


Then, I came up to him and said "Law! Here you can choose one." But then he said "No, I'm not playing." Then I think I said "Oh, it's okay!" Before I went to another human. I overheard Angel asking him why he wasn't playing and he said something like he has OCD.


During the third game, we sat across from each other but I hardly looked at him. I sat next to Rainie's pet, Melrose, and I'm thankful that we sat next to each other and that we weren't awkward or anything with each other.


An open water gun war followed that and I just stepped back and laughed at the people who were going for it. Law didn't really join in either. He chose a good spot (one with a lot of electrical appliances) so no one could shoot at him.


Then, we played truth or dare.


Despite the fact that other year two seniors were playing with fireworks, he didn't even went to join them and I had a feeling that he wanted to stay on cause he wanted to know something.


When it got to his turn, he said "Truth." Apparently, he was feeling very generous today.


And then a senior asked "Do you like Tahlia?" and then he gave this weird laughing face that had this question mark on it. Everyone kept on asking who Tahlia was.


There is a girl called Tahlia from the year ones but the way that people kept on questioning, it was as if they weren't implying her.


Or at least, I hope it didn't.


Then, Ray asked him "Who do you think is the most attractive girl here?"


Law said "Angel la!" but the other guys said that he couldn't pick her so after Angel beat up the guy, Ray rephrased his question.


"Who from the year ones do you find the most attractive?"


So, Law went to the middle saying "Let me see them all first, I haven't really looked at all of them."


I didn't want to look at him at all not because I thought I'd get chosen but because I didn't want to see who he picked.


In the end though, he just asked who had a similar surname with him and then he picked the girl and both of them high-fived each other.


As he was returning to his seat, I overheard one of the seniors say to him "You're escaping."


Now that I think about it, it was the same senior who was with him last Thursday when Law kept on passing by me.


I don't want to raise my hopes.


But somehow, somehow, I felt that he meant me.


A lot of people were asking him to say the truth but he just kept quiet.


So I guess that he likes someone from the year ones but I have no idea who.


Then, I kept on waiting for my turn and every time the bottle was spun, it never got me.


Then, when I was about to give up, the bottle turned to me and I felt a bit nervous.


They asked me "Truth or Dare?" and so I said "Truth."


Everyone was racking their brains to think of a question when Blair suddenly said, "Wait, I've got a question." And then, I knew it was coming before she even said those four words.


"Who do you like?"


I tell you, my mind went blank just like that and I'm pretty sure I was stuttering all over the place.


"Well... He's a guy."


Yes, that's what I said.


When I looked up, I noticed that Law was gone and so was Angel but I don't know how to properly analyse that now so I'll just leave it at there.


And then, everyone asked "Who?" 


"Is it someone from college?"
"What's his name?"
"At least give his initials!" (This was Ray. He had to tell the name of the person he liked which is another senior who isn't in the Election Board)


My mouth kept on opening and closing and then Melrose said that she think she knew who.


Then she whispered into my ears "Is he here now?" I nodded my head.


"Is it Law?"


I shrieked.


Literally.


Law wasn't in his seat, but I could still see him.


Then, people started coming to me and made guesses so in the end, a few seniors found out.


Then Ray asked, "Is it someone here?"


It took awhile but I said yes.


Melrose then asked everyone to drop the subject cause then it would be very awkward for me so they obliged.


Blair came up to me after that saying that Law is a good guy.


Melrose on the other hand kept on asking why I liked him and I got all girly with her. I even found out that he used to like Angel (I kind of guessed that) and that another year one likes him (and I think I know who it is as well cause she also wanted to bake a cake).


Then, the cake I baked was brought out and people asked who baked it so I said it was me.


Then, while I was busy picking up rubbish and stuff, Law began talking with me.

Law: Hey Beth! (He said my name! And he pronounced it correctly!) Did you learn to make this cake through the Food Fest?

Me: Huh? What Food Fest?

Law: Oh-

Me: Oh! The Food Fest! I didn't go to it! No, I didn't get the recipe from there!

Law: So you've always baked from last time?

Me: Yeah.

Then I smiled and returned to my work even though I was dying to talk with him longer.

He actually smiled and grinned at me when we spoke but I didn't dare to look at him for too long.

He ate the cake and he took a good slice of it too so I feel really happy. :)

Then, I did my best to stay back as long as possible but my parents made it impossible.

When I finally got the courage to be near him, I had to leave already.

I had just sat down opposite him (he was standing) to observe my seniors and my lecturer play Mah Jong, and I had just begun to converse with my seniors (and Law even joined in a bit) when my phone rang.

While I talked to my parents everyone else was silent.

When I said that I'd walk to the nearby gas station so that my parents could find me easier, all of them looked terrified. Or was their look a look of awe?

Another senior drove me to the gas station even though I really wanted him to do it but I think he didn't bring his car.




So I guess this is it.


I don't know how else to improve this situation. How to get to know him better.


Cause after this week, I won't see him again and just knowing that makes me feel really really really sad.


And knowing that he possibly likes another person from the year ones makes me feel even more sad.




It's okay though.


If my feelings for him a really strong, then I'll just wait for him.


Because, I really like him.


PS. We actually called each other's name to get each other's attention. And also since he smiled and talked with me after the Truth or Dare game, I'm assuming that he doesn't know I like him (which is hard to believe) or that he's okay with me liking him.


PSS. After looking at a photo one of my seniors posted online, I knew I wasn't dreaming when I said he was smiling at me while I was telling people about the games. And, what's more, he's probably the only one smiling. The rest just had the "Whaaaaat?" look on their face so please, tell me what that means!!!!

Scared of putting too much hope

Yesterday (since it's already past 12.30 am here), I didn't see Law at school at all.


Our college was having a blood donation drive and maybe he just didn't like the thought of needles or something cause that's kind of the case for almost all the guys here.


I got to donate blood too and I only felt slightly dizzy after that but it's all good.


Anyway, today is the day that I've been waiting for. The Election Board party.


I talked to a couple of seniors just now (a huge improvement! I was the only junior talking to them! :D) and they said that they couldn't wait for it.


I wonder if Ray knows that I like Law.


I have a feeling that he does somehow.


And he's treating me quite nice so I feel a bit scared but I shouldn't over-analyse this situation.


But come on, anyone would be a fool if they didn't know I was interested in Law if they had saw or heard about my reaction towards his grin that day.


And Ray is kind of close with Law.


Somehow, everything good happens on a Tuesday.


I checked my horoscope and Law's horoscope and both of them had almost the same reading.


Apparently, today is the day that we should let our voices out or something as it will be a second chance for us to make up for lost time and all.


And, I've been checking his compatibility with mine and we never had a day where both of us were compatible with each other.


Until today.


We are each other's compatible partner today.


I'm not going to hope for much but please, let something good happen between the both of us today. Please.