Dependency

I have the feeling that I am just hitting puberty at this age right now. What a laugh.

Suddenly I'm buying feminine clothes I would have normally run away from this exact moment last year. And now I actually care how I look.

That being said, I definitely don't want to gain anymore than I already have. Hopefully I'll be able to lose weight in the coming year, at least by 5 kg.

Anyway, coming to the real subject here, I got a fairly odd dream last night and it wasn't about Prince or even Law or Red or Victor or about any other guy in this blog.

It was about a guy in the hunger camp I went to in August who was the leader of that camp.

The main thing that I remember is that he liked me, or something like that, and he wanted to show me around his campus. While he was doing that, he had his arm around me the whole time and my head was on his chest the whole time.

Sick, I know.

But I felt really secure... somehow?

I think it's cause all this time, people have always been relying on me (even when they're supposed to be the one to lead the way) and I have never felt comfortable putting a job in anyone's hands since I can't trust people to handle certain things easily.

For instance, with Isa and Yu, I can't trust them with our group project even though they're both older than me.

When I think about the dream I had last night, I can't help but wonder how it'll feel like to finally be able to depend on someone else and to feel like they can take care of me.

Mainly speaking about guys here.

But I guess this feeling will have to prolong for a while longer since I must concentrate on my studies.

I'll be able to see Prince soon! :) And for that I am really thankful for.

I must do my best to look prettier for him! :)

A week from now

I'll be preparing to go back to Milan which is a good thing although I am not exactly excited at the thought of leaving the comforts of home. I am, however, excited to finally do some work and studying cause there'll be less distractions there and I intend to be a super nerd up until the major exams.

Which means, I must do my best to not let my mind to fall into the temptation of being in a whirl because of Prince.

As cheesy as this sounds, I've been thinking about Prince everyday ever since I got back.

I'll forget him for two hours or so but then he'll suddenly reappear in my mind.

I really wish I wasn't such a shy person. I wish I could talk with him but then I don't know the right words to say and I might end up looking stupid.

Maybe I'll get the chance when I go back? Who knows?

I shall sleep early tonight. Hopefully I can get some serious work done tomorrow.

Third time's a charm, among other things

I meant to post this up earlier but I didn't get to.

The thing here is, I dreamt about Prince again. And that was the night after the night I had the second dream. In other words, I dreamt about him 3 days in a row. Seriously, am I that attracted to him?

However, when I get back to university life, I am definitely not going to spend too much of my time focusing on him because I really want to study hard and I have so many things to attend to. I feel like crying and all but really there's no use to that.

In the wee morning hours of Boxing Day, my sisters and I became house elves (because we were clearing the dishes away and putting the house straight after the Christmas dinner) and we began talking about relationships and all of that since all of them are currently (more or less) in a relationship and they all have a whole lot of experience.

Yeah, initially I felt jealous and whatnot but then Skye said that we shouldn't expect things too much and one way or another, the right one will come along. Rainie also chimed in since it really happened to her. Somehow, their words put me at rest.

Thus, and I hope, I won't be too shallow minded and I will not concentrate too much on these things. As much as I want to be in a relationship, if it isn't meaningful and if it doesn't improve myself, then there isn't much use for me to be in one.

I think, for now, it's okay to harbour a minor crush on Prince but I really shouldn't expect too much unless something does happen. And, I guess, it's okay to hope for something but I shouldn't really expect for something to suddenly happen.

I shall now go off to sleep and hopefully I'll be able to do my project tomorrow.

And another

I dreamt about him again last night but I completely forgot all the details.

Wow, am I really that attracted to him or something? I mean, this never did happened for me when I liked Law.

I chatted with a guy friend of mine on Facebook and when I talked about Prince, I didn't get as hyper as I used to be when I used to like Law. I guess I'm finally coming to my senses about this whole romantic thing.

When I get back though I'll be focusing more of my attention on studying a lot so hopefully nothing will distract me too much.

To bed now. Good night. :)

Mysterious

I'm not sure if it's because I didn't see him for a week or if it's because yesterday was a Thursday but I got a dream about Prince. It was extremely odd and it's probably just my brain going on a hyper mode.

For some weird reason, I was back in my old primary school and there we were in a classroom with some of my past and recent classmates. Then, one of my old classmates (who was sitting next to him) went to me and asked for my help with Automation Engineering (it's not even a real subject unlike Physics =-=) and wanted me to sit next to her and explain stuff to her after we went to a mini sports festival, giving me the knowing look all the while.

I didn't want to be a chicken and run away (which is what I always do in all of my dreams) so I agreed. Then after the sports festival, we had to clean up stuff so a couple of other guys, him, and myself cleaned the place up. He went off earlier though since I was so preoccupied with talking to some other people who came along to help.

When I got back to class, I completely forgot about helping my friend and when I finally took a seat and remembered, I woke up.

It's pretty odd. :|

One of these days I'll draw a picture of Law and Prince. Just for the heck of it.

But I finally found a celebrity who looks like Law!

Introducing Ray of C-Clown! New celebrity crush! :D

Yeah, in some angles, he almost looks like Law.

Well now I have to go do some cleaning up before I get a head start on my project of which, I'm a bit worried about. Things aren't turning out the way that I wanted.

Also, I just got a haircut! Hopefully it'll grow out a bit before I go back to Milan. :)

On coming home

For some really weird reason, I got super upset on the day that I left Milan. It's cause I won't get to see him for a long time.

But when I reached home, I didn't have that feeling anymore with me so I am thankful because there's always another time and, if it's not meant to be him, then there will be another guy. I can't be too closed minded about things.

I'm going to really improve myself so that the next time Prince sees me, he'll be at the very least surprised with how I look. In my dreams that'll happen but it is nice to dream.

Will sleep soon. :)

Before you go

Well, nothing happened at all today. Nothing.

He came in late (the test started later, thank goodness for him) and he proceeded to sit at the back row next to the girl that I thought had a crush on him since the front was full. Somehow, I could feel the icy atmosphere between both of them.

He went to sit in the front row after that though (since there had to be at least one table between two candidates) and because of that, towards the end of the test, I couldn't concentrate. I waited around for him to leave when I should've left first and when I got started on an unneeded paragraph and saw him standing up, I quickly cancelled it out and got up to leave. A fool, I know.

He was easily disturbed throughout the test. Whenever someone came in front to hand in their paper, he'd look up before he looked back down.

I felt really disappointed that I didn't get to talk with him today. The heaviness hung tightly around my heart as I walked home surrounded by the icy cold wind. Yeah, sounds like a bunch of crap, but that's how I really felt.

I won't be able to see him for a long time and I don't know when I'll get to see him next because I don't know when he'll be coming back for school, if he's going to go back to his hometown that is.

Not in the best of moods now. I will sleep now.

12 is my favourite number

So is 4, 7, and 19. Automatically, I think of my favourite numbers as my lucky charms and in a sense, I'm auspicious about them.

Hence, since today was the 12th of December of the year 2012, I automatically assumed that a miracle will happen to me. Nothing much happened though and as disappointed as I am, the size is insignificant compared to the disappointment that used to wallow me up last time when I used to like Law.

I should really be studying now but I can't seem to bring myself to study Urban Planning until I finish this post so hopefully after I type everything out I'll stop procrastinating.

For our morning class, a different lecturer took the place of our usual lecturer and the subject was really interesting although I couldn't comprehend it fully since it was about conceptual art and the use of it in architecture. I will definitely study and read up more about it.

During a short break (2-3 minutes short) something made me want to glance to my right and the second I did, I noticed that Prince was sitting on the other side. I think he caught me looking since I turned away immediately when he turned in our direction but I don't know for sure.

I am shocked that he attended that class cause usually he doesn't but I think he came for the special lecture.

For the afternoon lecture. he came in 5 minutes into the lesson and when he entered, he appeared to go to the other side of the hall and I found myself wishing that he'd sit at our side. He then stopped in his tracks and went over to our side and for a moment, it seemed that he hesitated to sit with some guys he knew before he sat down. It looked like he wanted to sit at the empty row in front of us but he didn't.

In the first part of the lesson, I accidentally kicked Yu's paper bag under her chair and it created a loud noise but only he turned to look in our direction. No one else seemed to care.

At another time, Yu needed to talk with her roommate through the phone so I stood up and got out of the row to let her pass through. At first, Prince didn't seem to notice but then I noticed that he suddenly turned to look behind even though the whole procedure was generally very quiet. He turned back in front after I sat down. I felt like he was checking to see whether or not I was going to leave class. I always feel like he's looking at me but then again, that's just a feeling.

He participated at the beginning of the lesson but got sleepier towards the end and by  the time the break came, he went home. I went to ask the professor some questions while he exited and somehow, it seemed like he was delaying in going back and when his friend left behind something in the place where they were sitting, he went to pick it up and even though his friend wasn't in the hall anymore, he kept calling his friend's name before he exited.

And for that I'm a bit pissed with myself because I resolved to speak with him that day but I just couldn't. I wonder why it's so hard for me to strike a conversation with him.

Anyhow, everything happens for a reason so I will just see whether I'll get the opportunity tomorrow or not. I really hope that I'll have more courage since tomorrow will be the last day that I'll get to see him as I'll be leaving for Malaysia on Friday.

Dear God, please let me be able to talk with him tomorrow, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

On the verge of exhaustion

Not been having enough sleep. Can't seem to focus mind. Haven't seen him for almost a week.

If I go into one of my hyper moods due to lack of sleep... I can only imagine what will happen tomorrow.

I'd love to get to speak with him though.

Good night. :)

A turn here and a turn there

I just re-read some of my past blog entries and somehow, I feel so much more mature now then I was then, not in general but mainly on the falling in love aspect. I was extremely childish then to believe that things will always turn out the way that I hope it to be.

I really must thank Law and my old self for having gone through that experience because if I didn't, I would have been even more obnoxious now. Thank you so much.

Anyhow, that's why despite my huge interest in Prince, I am really being wary of everything.

We had Urban Planning again today and when he walked into class, Yu immediately gave me the look and I don't know why but I felt myself forming a smile. I wasn't as cool as I was yesterday sadly. I managed to stop smiling though haha.

He sat in the same row as us but he sat on the other side of the room so I didn't have much chance to look at him but it's okay. Well, not really. Since I didn't have something to distract me I kept nodding off and I did my best to stay awake. He was in the same row and side with the girl that I thought liked him but apparently she doesn't cause she switched seats after the break.

During break time he went to our side to begin talking with his friends who were sitting in front of us and I did my best to not stare at him.

At one point I said "Yes!" loudly and he turned to look in my direction. If it was really that loud, I'm sure his friends would've turned as well but they didn't.

And as childish as this may seem, I just want to hope that he turned to look at me because he already noticed me the minute he sauntered over to our side.

Towards the end of the lecture, our lecturer began summing up the class and at one point he used me as an example (since I come from Malaysia and we have different urban regulations there) and he (and a lot of people) turned to look at me. His reaction was a bit more quick somehow.

And then when I spoke up again to ask a very lame question, he also turned to look again.

And I don't know why but I just felt that he looked over to our side every now and then but I couldn't tell for sure since I couldn't exactly turn my head to look at him. There was one time that he rested his head on his arms and his face looked like it was facing our way and by instinct I turned to look at his side and when I did, he immediately sat up and faced the other side. It could just be my imagination.

I went out earlier than him, sadly, and I walked in the direction that he did yesterday since I wanted to go to Carrefour but we didn't meet at any point.

If I do get the chance to talk with him, at least I know I won't be as nervous as last time. I will do my best to not ruin anything.

I wonder why he really interests me. Maybe it's cause he looks like a Kai and Lee Jong Hyun hybrid hahaha. I don't think that's just it though. His aura, the way he holds himself, it catches my attention a lot. He listens to Marilyn Manson and I gave the music a try (and it is really scary TT^^TT) and I thought it'd turn me off but surprisingly, he catches my attention even more.

Maybe I'll get to see him this coming Tuesday. Otherwise, I'll just have to wait for 6 more days till I get to see him.

And now I will bath and sleep early cause I want to wake up early to do my studio homework.

Despite it all

Well, something really small (very extremely tiny) happened today between me and Prince but I am currently stuck in a blue situation and even though I may not realise it, I am tired. But I will do some studying after this until hopefully 1 am and maybe I'll be able to at least study 3 lectures. Make notes of them that is.

Moving on to the real subject, the main purpose of this blog that is, I will now record the things about what happened today regarding Prince.

As you may well see, if you've been reading my posts all this while, he doesn't come much for lectures, only once or twice a week. And since today we were going to have Urban Planning, I knew for sure that he was going to attend class.

Yu, Isa and I sat at the back as usual but we chose the side that we didn't usually sit on, which is near the door, and I felt a bit sad because I kind of knew that Prince liked to sit at the seats located nearest to the door. And lo and behold, he did. Yu immediately gave me 'the look' but I managed just a smile because of this whole sadness thing.

He sat at the same row as the girl that I think likes him but he didn't sit near her and they didn't talk at all, from what I could see, so their friendship must have stretched out a bit. 

I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I asked a question in class, Prince (and a couple more of people) turned around immediately to look at me but I concentrated on looking at the lecturer. I can understand him being surprised if I never ask questions in class but he didn't look too surprised when other people began asking questions.

During break, while I was feeling even more down, he didn't leave the hall even once and started talking with his friend instead. A girl again haha. But he ended up sitting on our side of the class after break since that friend of his was sitting in front of us.

During the lecture, I got really really sleepy but I did my best to stay awake. On one of the times that I was conscious, I noticed that our lecturer showed us a map and somehow it seemed really familiar to me so I said to Yu in a small voice "Haven't we already seen that before?"

And when I said that, Prince turned around to look at me although no one else (not even Yu =-=)  did. I don't think my voice was that loud. Well, at least I hope so. At least I know he knows that I am present in that class as well.

Then when we were going back, I expected him to leave really early but instead he began talking with another guy (one of the few guys that I talk with haha). I wanted to hurry home so I rushed my things and said my good-byes to Yu and Isa.

At the same time that I was about to reach the door, Prince also stopped talking with his friend so when I went out, he was coming out too. So I pushed the door back a bit for him before I went off. I didn't even look at him haha. Why didn't he use the other door, I wonder. It was nearer to him.

When I was going down the stairs, I looked back, but he wasn't behind me so I just wore my earphones and set off.

I needed to withdraw cash so I had to cross the road and I wanted to take a short cut but it seemed really unladylike (cause I'd have to climb over two fences) so I began walking to the zebra crossing.

And that was when he suddenly walked past me and it somehow made me stop in my tracks and I found myself hoping that he needed to cross the street as well but it turned out that he didn't have to so we parted there. When I reached the other side of the road, I looked back and watched him walk away and I couldn't help thinking that he must've been cold because he wasn't wearing a jacket and I myself felt really really cold.

So that's about it for today.

I must really get on to studying now. :)

I pray that God will be able to help me now and guide me through these difficult times and hopefully I'll become more mature.